Mixed messages from SO

[SoConfused]

That must be difficult and confusing to hear from someone you love and whom professes to love you. I've never walked a day in her shoes, so judging her for crying out in this method is not something I feel comfortable with. You know your SO better than any of us, so unless you are seeing other indicators that she is suffering for deeper reasons, I agree with the posters above, just let her know how much you love and only want her, and see if you can open up a deeper discussion regarding her communication and how it hurts you.

Oh, and I wouldn't bring up ex-wives or ex-fiances unless absolutely necessary. Perhaps she feels like she's being compared, which may compromise her security. That's just my thought.

Good luck! I hope that you find clarity soon. =)

[Chris516]

She is communicating with you - but just like Piper says, she's choosing to communicate through playing games rather than through honesty. The whole basis of this issue is she's clearly not comfortable being honest yet and thinks that playing games will get her the response she's looking for in a way she's comfortable with. So actually, she IS communicating with you, she's just not communicating constructively. Obviously, you're having problems interpreting her method of communication (I'm not suggesting that her way is the correct way, I'm just saying that this is the way she's choosing to communicate) and that's something you need to talk about with her.

As gently as possible, call her out on it. The fact that she's insecure enough to be playing these games in the first place means that she's probably going to be embarrassed by you recognizing what is going on, which is why you have to be kind about it when approaching this problem with her. Let her know that it's ok to want to be reassured, but that playing the "you should find someone else" game, rather than just asking to be reassured, is confusing for you.

LDRs are confusing enough without trying to play games with each other. Communication is pretty much all you have, and if you start f*ing around with that, you're f*ing around with the one thing you rely on for all your interactions with one another.

I agree, that I need to talk to her, and reassure her.

That must be difficult and confusing to hear from someone you love and whom professes to love you. I've never walked a day in her shoes, so judging her for crying out in this method is not something I feel comfortable with. You know your SO better than any of us, so unless you are seeing other indicators that she is suffering for deeper reasons, I agree with the posters above, just let her know how much you love and only want her, and see if you can open up a deeper discussion regarding her communication and how it hurts you.

Oh, and I wouldn't bring up ex-wives or ex-fiances unless absolutely necessary. Perhaps she feels like she's being compared, which may compromise her security. That's just my thought.

Good luck! I hope that you find clarity soon. =)

She can have a tremendous 'attack of the guilts'.

As for bringing up my ex's, she keeps comparing them to her. Thinking that there were things I did for/with them, that I don't do with her. So she interprets that to mean I loved them more. Despite how many times I have told her, that is not the case.

One example is, my ex who is Bi-Polar, and at the time, was far better than my (ex)wife had ever been. I went so far as to 'sing the praises' of my Bipolar ex, in an online support for people involved with someone that is Bipolar. The group leader told me to stop doing it. Since then, I have been selective about where, I 'sing the praises'. My SO takes this as a sign, that she doesn't mean much to me. I am just weary of where I could possibly do it. For fear of being told not to by some admin somewhere.

[kteire]

Honestly, while in most cases I would agree that it's playing games and that you should call her out on it, I have to say in this case I'm a bit biased. I can completely understand your SO feeling insecure and not knowing how to get that across to you. I'm glad that the other woman isn't so much of an issue not, but it can take a lot of time to get over your SO saying the only reason you're not with someone else is that you can't move to their country.
I would still be sore from that, personally.

I think a good approach to take is to say something like, I think by saying you want me to see other people, you really need reassurance that I love you and want to be with you - and then reassure her, without mentioning your exes, your friend in Canada, etc. And then depending on how she responds, let her know that you would like her to be more straightforward with you.

[Chris516]

Honestly, while in most cases I would agree that it's playing games and that you should call her out on it, I have to say in this case I'm a bit biased. I can completely understand your SO feeling insecure and not knowing how to get that across to you. I'm glad that the other woman isn't so much of an issue not, but it can take a lot of time to get over your SO saying the only reason you're not with someone else is that you can't move to their country.
I would still be sore from that, personally.

I think a good approach to take is to say something like, I think by saying you want me to see other people, you really need reassurance that I love you and want to be with you - and then reassure her, without mentioning your exes, your friend in Canada, etc. And then depending on how she responds, let her know that you would like her to be more straightforward with you.

Well, This 'communication gap' stuff, actually first popped up in the latter part of 2011, even before the friend in Canada got sick(July 2012). She even told me once, that she wished I had gotten together with the Canadian friend. So when the Canadian friend contacted me a few days ago, after no contact for five months, I found myself, almost not wanting to chat with my Canadian friend. Because I was remembering, how self-righteous and rude she can be. My SO also told me once, that she couldn't give me what I wanted. But when I asked her what she thought that is, she never told me what she thought I wanted. A lot of it seems born of guilt, that sadly, is based on things she feels guilty for, despite what I tell her.

I have told her previously, about the 'communication' and she has said that she will work on it. Communicating isn't too much to ask, or is it.

Edit: I got a short e-mail from my SO today. It only said "How are you?". Nothing else. I replied, asking her about my coming out there soon. But I haven't received any response.