We Fight So Much, Should We Go On?

[mattalleng]

My name is Matt, I am 23 and I have Multiple Sclerosis. Gabi and I met via my blog about my MS and we eventually met here in California, she lives in Ireland. We "clicked" and talked everyday after she left eventually upgrading to skype. Then I visited her in Ireland for 3 weeks. Then a couple months later she came back to the states for 3 weeks, Between when I went to Ireland and Gabi came back here we started bickering a lot more often... It felt like we could never agree on anything... In retrospect I think it was a bit of the stress of trying to figure out how to make it work as far as how to close the distance as well as the tech issues such as skype not working and us constantly saying “what? WHAT? I cant hear you, what?”.

Traveling this far is not cheap either and we (especially me) are not rich so money is another issue as it always is... Because of my MS I cant just move to Ireland like I wanted because it looks like I cant get my medication in Ireland and immigration TOO the states is proving to be... near impossible (as far as we know). I admit that it killed my hope more than hers. Stress is not good for MS, it can cause me to wake up tomorrow unable to see or walk so I tend to avoid it at all costs...

I was starting to feel like I was drowning in all our drama and I just wanted a gasp of air. We argued and I broke up with her today. Towards the end of the day we were already pointing fingers and expressing our bitterness... talking nonetheless... I tried to explain that it's not that I don't love her anymore, I just cant go on fighting and hoping a better situation will grow when we can't even see any light at the end of the tunnel. I have been overwhelmed and just needed to escape but once I did I felt so alone... It doesn't feel right not having her to talk to... She has been there in one way or another since I was basically paralyzed in the hospital/rehab till now where I can walk and drive again. When I thought no one could ever love me and be happy with me she showed me I was wrong.

I don't know if I made a mistake and we should be trying to start fresh and approach this differently. When things start falling apart and you loose your hope you stop looking for ways to fix things and slowly just start accepting. But it was just a month ago that we were lost in the parking lot at Disneyland laughing about our situation so hard we were pretty much crying. How does it fall apart so fast? I want what we had but for some reason it all fell apart so fast...

I really don't think we were handling our situation right either. I woke up an jumped strait on the computer and we would chat all day on facebook or skype until she went to bed (10 hours of talking about nothing really). She is currently between jobs and I am coming off a year of disability so no school and no job for me. Even though I have nothing better to do I was kind of going nuts being on the computer all day but what was I supposed to say? As well, we are both suborn so when it came to disagreements it was hard to admit one of us was wrong, for me it was more "well your not letting up so why should I?" then not wanting to admit I may be wrong. I know that was only aiding the problem but I am just being honest...

What are we doing wrong and is this worth even trying to start fresh? Thank you...

[Zephii]

It takes a bit of learning, be kind to yourself. International Long Distance can seem insurmountable, but you've got to use your logic and if you're going to do it you need to be a team.

For example, logic alone tells me that there are going to be people in Ireland with MS, and those people are going to need medication. It's also been my experience that there are a lot of things that are essentially exactly the same between countries but are called by different names, for example common painkillers. In my country we call it paracetamol in Canada they say Tylenol but the active ingredient acetaminophen is exactly the same. So before you fling your hands up in despair and say something can't be done, you need to talk to a doctor. Go see a doctor over there, take your meds with you and be like "Hey, do you have something like this here?"

A big part of the reason you're fighting, I'll warrant, is you are spending way too much time together and your lives are bloody boring. I fight with my Husband too when he's around all the time! Both of you need to get out of the house and do something. Even if you're sitting on your lawn reading a book. Change it up a little.

Immigration is hard. You've got to be really serious to make it happen, and I sense that this relationship isn't anywhere near ready for that. Instead, look into semi-permanent options like working holiday visas so you can spend a good chunk of time together and figure out if this is what you really want/ if you are compatible in the long term.

And don't fight for the sake of it. LISTEN to what each other are saying and find common ground. Consider each other's perspective even if that means you'll be wrong.

I can't tell you if it's worth trying to start fresh, but I think you already know the answer yourself.

Welcome to the forums.

[mattalleng]

Thank you,
I can say, I did contact the Ireland MS Soecity, the drug I need (Tysabri) is available but not covered by healthcare for reimbursmant so I would have to pay for it in cash ($7,500 a month). They cover other drugs that I have already been on and dont work for me. My only hope is if I can find a hospital to cover it for me but with short budgets I don't know why they would pay for me over a citizen...

I think our lives ARE pretty borring haha... Regarding the work visa thing, I can safeky go 2 months without this drug, 3 is probably pushing it, 4 months and I rebound... With 14% unemployment and no qualification I am not sure I can get a job for such a short time...

[Zephii]

Yikes, you'd need to sell a kidney or something! (no, I'm not suggesting this!)

Wouldn't your doctor be able to give you a few month's supply before you left?

It does sound like the odds are stacked against you I know, but trust me, we all feel or have felt like that due to one complication or another. For the time being, perhaps just focus on making your interactions with each other fun again? You've barely begun this relationship, give it time to go somewhere before you worry about physically getting there?

[Chris516]

My name is Matt, I am 23 and I have Multiple Sclerosis. Gabi and I met via my blog about my MS and we eventually met here in California, she lives in Ireland. We "clicked" and talked everyday after she left eventually upgrading to skype. Then I visited her in Ireland for 3 weeks. Then a couple months later she came back to the states for 3 weeks, Between when I went to Ireland and Gabi came back here we started bickering a lot more often... It felt like we could never agree on anything... In retrospect I think it was a bit of the stress of trying to figure out how to make it work as far as how to close the distance as well as the tech issues such as skype not working and us constantly saying “what? WHAT? I cant hear you, what?”.

Matt, Since Skype is going bonkers, have you n' Gabi tried Yahoo Messenger?

Traveling this far is not cheap either and we (especially me) are not rich so money is another issue as it always is... Because of my MS I cant just move to Ireland like I wanted because it looks like I cant get my medication in Ireland and immigration TOO the states is proving to be... near impossible (as far as we know). I admit that it killed my hope more than hers. Stress is not good for MS, it can cause me to wake up tomorrow unable to see or walk so I tend to avoid it at all costs...

Have either of you contacted the Irish Embassy in Washington, D.C. about her moving to the U.S.?

I was starting to feel like I was drowning in all our drama and I just wanted a gasp of air. We argued and I broke up with her today. Towards the end of the day we were already pointing fingers and expressing our bitterness... talking nonetheless... I tried to explain that it's not that I don't love her anymore, I just cant go on fighting and hoping a better situation will grow when we can't even see any light at the end of the tunnel. I have been overwhelmed and just needed to escape but once I did I felt so alone... It doesn't feel right not having her to talk to... She has been there in one way or another since I was basically paralyzed in the hospital/rehab till now where I can walk and drive again. When I thought no one could ever love me and be happy with me she showed me I was wrong.

While I don't have MS, I have three lifelong medical conditions and my SO has stuck by me since we first met six years ago.

I don't know if I made a mistake and we should be trying to start fresh and approach this differently. When things start falling apart and you loose your hope you stop looking for ways to fix things and slowly just start accepting. But it was just a month ago that we were lost in the parking lot at Disneyland laughing about our situation so hard we were pretty much crying. How does it fall apart so fast? I want what we had but for some reason it all fell apart so fast...

You didn't make a mistake. She didn't make a mistake. Both of you made a mistake by letting the relationship plummet so far and so fast.

I really don't think we were handling our situation right either. I woke up an jumped strait on the computer and we would chat all day on facebook or skype until she went to bed (10 hours of talking about nothing really). She is currently between jobs and I am coming off a year of disability so no school and no job for me. Even though I have nothing better to do I was kind of going nuts being on the computer all day but what was I supposed to say? As well, we are both suborn so when it came to disagreements it was hard to admit one of us was wrong, for me it was more "well your not letting up so why should I?" then not wanting to admit I may be wrong. I know that was only aiding the problem but I am just being honest...

It is one thing for a person to state their feelings about something. It is an entirely different 'ball of wax', to get on their haunches and not negotiate.

What are we doing wrong and is this worth even trying to start fresh? Thank you...

It definitely is worth starting fresh. In the 1990's, the Rap group 'Beastie Boys', had a song titled 'Fight For The Right To Party'. I detest rap music. But the title of that song, I consider to be sort of an anthem. Think of partying in your case being, fighting for your relationship. Neither you, or she is totally right, or wrong. It takes two to tango. So you n' she need to 'tango' and fight for your relationship.

[mattalleng]

I am personally leaning in that direction, maybe we just did all this wrong, its worth talking about.

And about getting a couple months supply - Its an infusion, so they make it and give it to me via an IV, not as simple as a pill...

[Zephii]

I am personally leaning in that direction, maybe we just did all this wrong, its worth talking about.

And about getting a couple months supply - Its an infusion, so they make it and give it to me via an IV, not as simple as a pill...

Thank you for taking the time to explain that, I know it must be super frustrating for you.

[churchgrim]

Traveling this far is not cheap either and we (especially me) are not rich so money is another issue as it always is...

My SO and I both come from pretty poor families, he's still struggling with finding a job so the majority of travel expenses come from me. This means that our first meeting was five years after we started our relationship, and we'll only be able to see each other once a year. From what I read, you've been seeing each other pretty regularly - that's really lucky, but I understand how hard it can be. The only thing you can do about the distance is endure it - and work towards a future where you two live together.

If you know that she is worth waiting for, then maybe for now you should just wait until you have a better understanding of your relationship. Like Zephii said, your relationship is very new, so I wouldn't try and jump into making plans right away. In my opinion, you need to have solid knowledge and faith in your relationship if you're going to make a LDR work. Find out again why you were together and just work on building a solid connection together.

[mattalleng]

I think this message makes me think the most so far, I think this sets everything into propper perspective, thank you.

[LittleBox]

If you know that she is worth waiting for, then maybe for now you should just wait until you have a better understanding of your relationship. Like Zephii said, your relationship is very new, so I wouldn't try and jump into making plans right away. In my opinion, you need to have solid knowledge and faith in your relationship if you're going to make a LDR work. Find out again why you were together and just work on building a solid connection together.

I couldn't agree more. If you do want to make this work talk to her and make sure you're both on the same page. You've mentioned you're both very stubborn, that's probably contributing more to your disagreements because neither of you are willing to budge. You'll both have to give a little and give each other some wiggle room. Take it one day at a time so you don't stress yourself out. Don't completely rule out immigration to the US. I'm not familiar on the procedure but I know its been done before. Maybe do a little more research and talk to people who have successfully immigrated.

[Laural007]

Not much to offer but if you need a friend to talk to, I'm here. Wish you the best of luck.

-Laura

[roosie]

I feel you. I don't know what situation you are in now after a few days of posting this but I hope you have been able to take a time out and consider whether your relationship is worth fighting for. I have a connective tissue disorder called Ehlers-Danlos syndrome and dysautonomia. Having a chronic illness does make things more complicated sometimes - there are so many things you need to consider as well as emotions involved. Sometimes I don't remember that it affects us both. Your girlfriend might also struggle to come in terms with the situation, although she does sound like a great person. My SO is really supportive but we bicker too when things are rough - sometimes the stress is jsut too much. I'd like to move in with him one day as well but I'm also worried about not getting the proper treatment there (or actually here, as I'm currently spending a summer here ). Do as much research as you can to find out what options there are for you. I don't have much to offer as we are also making things up as we go along, but I think it's important to talk about your fears and try to figure if there are any underlying issues. Sometimes I feel like I hide some of my worries and fears from him because I'm afraid it gets too much to bear for him. My SO always tells me that we'll find a way to make it work, even if it takes a bit more effort.