Feeling soulsearchy and weird

[Isla]

Tonight I went to the movies with my SO's best friend, and his fiancee. Because my SO is so rarely in town, this is the first time I properly met his best friend, so it was lovely that they invited me Something I'd been warned about with this guy is that he has no social barriers, and pretty much says whatever for a laugh-- over facebook he jokingly commissioned me for a threesome, and I was prepared for that sort of humour, which I really don't mind at all. I find it pretty hilarious haha.

What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that he told me all sorts of things my SO has said about me, just small things that bother him. He also told me a few things about his ex girlfriends, and that my SO is the kind of guy who has to be in a relationship. This friend said that he thinks my SO is whipped.

I don't know exactly what I'm feeling... I obviously understand that people will say things behind your back, because it's human nature. I also understand that some of the things he said about me were most likely his attempt to seem less whipped in front of his mate, so I'm trying not to let that bother me. I'd like to think that I haven't whipped him in any way, because I intensely dislike the thought of being a controlling partner. It's probably because at 9.30 each night he stops gaming (if he is) so that we can talk for an hour before he goes to bed. I'm always telling him I don't mind if he wants to game with his friend for longer, but he says that talking to me is the best part of his day, and he wouldn't miss it <3

I think mostly I just feel a little bit less secure than I did before I went out tonight-- we've only been together six months, and I'm still a little bit in the stage where I feel like anything could happen. I'm a little bit hurt that he's already complaining about me after such a short amount of time, since I literally can't think of a single thing I've said about him to anyone else. It feels a tiiiiiny bit as though I like him more than he likes me. I guess it also bothered me a little that his friend maybe thinks I was the first half decent girl my SO stumbled across after ending it with his ex four months prior to us meeting, and just went for it because he has to be in a relationship.

His friend text me to apologise for saying anything that might have upset me, and I'm not really upset, just feeling a little bit weird. I guess I'm hoping somebody will tell me something that makes me feel less unsettled. Sorry about the long post, I tried to edit it to be as concise as I could. Thanks to anyone who reads it

[kteire]

Hmm, it does sound like maybe your SO is trying to give a different image of your relationship to his friend. I kind of get the impression that it could be that he's not comfortable with his friend knowing that he does want to stop gaming to talk with you, to kind of preserve an image his friend might have of him. Like my SO used to do the same thing, where we'd Skype before I'd go to bed, and he'd say something to his friends about needing to Skype or I would be upset with him. It wasn't true, but I think some people tend to do that. In my SO's case it was because he's not very open with most people about emotional stuff, and he would just automatically feel like he needed to hide how much he cared for me if his friends started teasing him.

I think it's also easy sometimes to pass the buck, and to make it seem like you're making him go, because he could think his friend might take it personally that he's ending time spent with him to spend time with you. Friendship jealousy! He might've had the impression that you've got your SO whipped since he might think that you're making him do things that he actually just wants to do.

I'm not saying that it's ok by any means, because I was very hurt when I realised he was doing that. It's something you need to talk about with your SO. It's frustrating that his friend brought those things up, but it's really between the two of you. Maybe try to find out why he's said those sorts of things, and ask him to be upfront with you if he thinks any of those things are an issue. I would imagine they're not really, so he needs to stop making you seem difficult!. It's not fair for him to be doing that, particularly with a friend that will spill it all out to you.

[Isla]

I'm glad you don't seem to think that I'm over reacting! I would imagine it is my SO just trying to put across an image, as you suggested.

I don't know that I will bring it up, simply because I don't like to make a big deal out of something, especially when I'm fairly certain I understand what's happened-- I don't think it's a huge deal, and hopefully by tomorrow I won't be bothered by it at all. I also don't want to get his friend in trouble haha, he was over all really nice, and I think it was lovely that he even thought to invite me. Thanks for your advice, kteire

[digitalfever]

Your boyfriend sounds like he's trying to avoid getting "dogged" on for saying "hey I want to spend time with my girl!" Although with such a big mouth you'd think it would be able to keep all those tidbits to himself.

[Goyangi]

I think if was in your situation I'd think I'd bring it up to my SO in a non-oppressive way, sort of as a 'check in'. It's hard to tell how much his friend said was more interpretation of what was said, if that makes sense. Not bringing it up would be damaging for me, I think, in the long run especially. There would always be that underlying insecurity.

[Malaga]

Isn't there some sort of bro-code that is specifically against spilling stuff out to another bro's girlfriend?

It doesn't seem right that he went behind his best friend's back and revealed random details about his past relationships in what seems a rather gossipy way. He doesn't seem like much of a friend. If there was something important he had to warn you about, then that would be an awesome thing to do, but all he did was reveal random bits your SO probably vented/exaggerated when he happened to be in a bad mood, or more likely, just to be seen more 'manly' and 'cool' by his mates.

Maybe he used you as an excuse when he didn't really feel like gaming or hanging out with them. I've seen my SO's mates do this lots of times (my boyfriend probably does it to, I'm not delusional) but I always thought every one of them was secretly aware it's just a show they put for each other, some sort of ritual they do not to lose their bro-card. This guy seems like he missed the memo.

I sometimes vent to my best friend when I'm cranky and annoyed by the stuff my SO does, but it's in the heat of the moment, neither she or I actually take it seriously. I'd be pretty disappointed if she did, and I'd be really pissed off if she went round my back to spill it to my SO.

Don't let some guy with dubious social skills and loyalties make you insecure about your relationship. If you never noticed he was annoyed with the stuff he complained about, then he most likely wasn't. If you have any doubts, seek reassurance from your SO. And take whatever this guy says with a pinch of salt, he's really just a random guy butting in with his unsolicited opinion. Obviously if he thinks your SO is whipped, then he's going to interpret his words how it fits his perspective and give you his version.

[Isla]

Hmm, food for thought. Thanks guys

Not that it really matters, but my SO's friend is a sweet guy. I don't want him to come across as otherwise, and I had been warned by my SO, the friend himself and the friend's fiancee of what he's like. He really does mean well, but I don't think he's capable of interpreting whether what he's saying is appropriate or not, until his fiancee scolds him later haha.

[Tooki]

Yeah, your SO's best friend breached his (best mate) obligations by telling you personal details that your SO told him.

Otherwise I dare say that you may be making your own assumptions, such as the insecurity topic. I can tell you that I don't, if not rarely tell my male friends that I miss my GF unless I'm drunk. That is relatively common among males.

[Ejoriah]

Maybe the fact that you were invited out by your SO's best friend speaks for itself? I would think that they wouldn't have invited you out if your SO hadn't painted a very nice picture of you, and they want to know you as an individual because your SO wants you to be around for a while

[Zephii]

I agree with Ejoriah.

Anyway, I wanted to say that a little wipping isn't bad for anyone. I keep my SO in line and he does the same for me. We hold each other accountable, and there's nothing wrong with that. There is a level of power/control in most relationships, whether or not the people in those relationships realise that.

Also, I wouldn't worry about what your SO says about you. Like you, Obi never says anything bad about me either behind my back or to someone while I'm there. I on the other hand am happy to vent when I'm angry, but most of my people know that I'm just venting and I'd do anything for the man, regardless of the fact he annoys the shit out of me sometimes. So yeah, don't take it to heart. Mates are there to listen so you can move past things, don't let this shake your security.

[Isla]

Maybe the fact that you were invited out by your SO's best friend speaks for itself? I would think that they wouldn't have invited you out if your SO hadn't painted a very nice picture of you, and they want to know you as an individual because your SO wants you to be around for a while

This made me feel so much better That's a good way of looking at it.