I type as my heart is breaking

[SquishyLove]

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but your SO's behavior, especially in light of what's going on with your mom right now, is completely and totally unacceptable. I have no sympathy for him in this, only for you. Stay strong and focus on yourself and your family. I would personally have dumped your SO over what he's doing. He's not being a loving or supportive partner at all. His behavior now would be a total deal breaker for me, as I went through a relationship in my past with a verbal abuser (who crossed over into the physical at times as well), who would lash out at me and treat me like crap and not be supportive when I was having hard times with my family. Having been there, in your place, I'd simply let him go. You mentioned he's still married. Are divorce proceedings happening? I would be very cautious. I know divorces sometimes take a long time, but if they haven't even started the proceedings, I'd be worried. Also, I would consider it a red flag that he's still not over the issues with his "ex" and is projecting that baggage onto you. Something tells me he's just not right. He sounds like the "it's all about me" type who will tell you the kind words want to hear if they know they're in danger of losing you and your support for when they're feeling bad or need help in life, but will take you for granted and push you around when they feel like they have you pinned down. Just from this little blurb, he seems incredibly selfish. I would run away and fast. You don't need that. That's my rather blunt 2 cents. What you do is your choice, but I hope either way you proceed with caution and take care of yourself first.

Since you can't get the support you need from your SO, I would suggest turning elsewhere, like close friends, and support groups. I would recommend joining an Al Anon support group in your area. It's for family members and friends of alcoholics. Being able to talk about and understand the behavior of your family member with others going through the same is super helpful. I don't think you should bend over backwards for your mom anymore, though. Sometimes when we think we're helping, we're actually enabling the person to continue their behavior. It's hard to detach when you love someone so much. Be there for her emotionally, but don't put yourself in any more financial hardship for her. You also need to take care of you. Best of luck, hon!

[Louise_B]

Wow, I am incredibly stunned with the amount of response I have here. So please bear with me while I try and answer the questions you have all asked and respond to the advice you all have kindly given me.

My Mum - We once went to an AA group because I begged her to get some help, But she sat there laughing and muttering to me saying she isn’t as bad as the people in here (even though she stole money from us, jewellery she could porn and she would hide her alcohol) She never went back again. So we have tried getting her some help, But it’s hard to help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. I wouldn’t say she denies having a problem she just thinks her going away for a week at a time on a binge is acceptable because maybe I spoke to her in the wrong way. She will find any excuse for her to think its ok to do what she’s doing. My mum returned home last night as I texted her saying if she wasn’t to come home that the horse will be going to a new home and I wasn’t bluffing. She turned up at home with a broken ankle, broken in two different places. Now I’m sorry if this offends some people (because I should be lucky I still have a mum) but I have no sympathy for her pain and the situation she is in right about now. She was drunk she fell over and broke her ankle. Now if she didn’t disappear none of that would of happened! Am I a horrible daughter to think like that?

My dad – I love my dad. We became super close when she left us homeless and I only had him to turn to. He hurts, he hurts just as much as me but I can never turn to him because I feel selfish. It’s his wife for crying out loud. So I keep my gob shut and keep his head above water while really I’m drowning in the hurt and heartache of here walking out every time. However, I told my dad I was going to sell the horse yesterday because I didn’t want to be taken for a fool any longer. But he looked at me upset and he said ‘ But Lou, if we sell her horse she’s going to go missing a lot more than she already does and things are going to get so bad again’ Now how am I meant to sell the horse now? Quietly without hardly no words by dad was begging me to keep to horse so he can have his wife around longer. Now an extra weight is on my shoulders. And I don’t know what I am meant to be doing for the best, because it seems no matter what I do its going to result into bad shit.

My SO – I don’t know what had gotten into his head! His been away at leadership school for a month and we haven’t had the time to really talk. But that’s no excuse of why he kept blowing up at me. In all honesty he brought up the photo situation a few weeks ago so I tried deleting it off Facebook on my phone but it wasn’t working then it totally slipped my mind. Then the other day he was tagged in a photo of a girl he was dating just before me and him. Now the photo was taken when they were dating. And all I asked him was ‘Is that Brittany’ and he replied with yes, and then BOOM he went crazy about this photo of me and my friend. He did delete his whatsapp and when I finished work last night he started messaging me on Facebook and I told him well its whatsap or nothing. I aren’t living my life through Facebook to get in contact with him. I got so upset because at the same time my mum texted me saying she was sorry, and he was going off the rail. So I called him and I told him this is bullshit and it needs to be sorted because it seems like every time I go to talk to him about how im feeling and how low I feel he kicks off.

As I said there is no excuse with how his acting.I told him if being with me is making his insecurities worse, then to just leave me because he cant keep punishing me for her mistakes. I just honestly don’t know what else I am meant to do? My life seems like such a mess at the moment.

[leonsfangirl]

Aww chick i feel for you! massive hugs


I'm going to be blunt and im sorry if i say something that upsets you or you feel is out of line. I'm just being honest and thats what you need.

You are being an amazing daughter trying to look after both your mom and dad but you shouldnt be looking after them. They are adults, they need to look after themselves. It was wrong of your dad to guilt trip you. If he wanted his wife around more he'd do more to help her get over her problems not avoid it. I know it's hard as they are your parents but you need to take a step back and leave them to work it out. If you want to sell the horse, sell it and use the money for rehab/therapy for your parents. That will do a great deal more than the horse. For your parents to put you in this situation isnt fair and it's time for them to address the issues, long overdue.

Your SO is being a total doughnut! It's probably a combination of missing you/lack of time with you and his insecurites. Again, he has to work these things out. You can reassure him and remove stuff that upsets him but ultimately, he's gotta do it.

Stay strong, we're all here to support you.

[ThePiedPiper]

I don't understand why your SO is being a dick because you have a photo of you with another man years before you and your SO even began dating? So what, you're not allowed to have dated or befriended anyone else prior to him? It's absolutely ridiculous and taking advantage of you being upset is crafty and manipulative, so I'm glad you called him out on it and I hope he works on it.

As far as this thread, I'm not sure there's anything I can say other than I read it and I empathise. I do agree with leonsfangirl, though.

[Black_Halloween]

Sweetie, you need to take care of yourself. If you want to sell the horse, sell it! There is no need in spending your money on something your mom isn't going to use. Its wrong is your dad to guilt trip you like that. If he really wants the horse he needs to step up and pay for it himself.

As for your SO, I have no idea. How did he respond when you told him all of that?

[Ejoriah]

I agree that you need to talk to your dad about things. Just because he's going through a lot too doesn't mean he's not still your dad. I'm sure he doesn't want you to be stressed out even more by him. I think you should tell him your feelings - maybe tell him that you see where he's coming from regarding the horse, but that you're struggling to afford it all on your own and you don't think it's fair to you and to the horse if your mother isn't looking after him.

As for your SO I think you need to stand your ground. He's in the wrong here - having an old picture of you with guys just means you have A LIFE. My boyfriend's facebook contain more pictures from his ex than from me (they've been together for 6 years). They all have lovey-dovey captions and it can be a little hard to look at, but I would never dream of telling my SO off or berating him. I haven't even asked him to untag himself from them, because I respect that he has a past.

[SquishyLove]

I agree with the others that you've got to put your foot down with your parents and say, "Enough is enough," and stop cleaning up their mess. If you want to sell the horse, sell it. It's obvious that it didn't work long-term. If your dad insists on it being kept, in your place I'd tell him that's fine, but from now on it's his financial responsibility. They are the parents and you are their child. It sounds like they're expecting you to parent them. It was wrong of your dad to lay a guilt trip on you. Get thee to an Al Anon meeting, girl. You need it! I'm not talking AA for your mom, I'm talking Al Anon, which is a support group for the loved ones of alcoholics. It could be really helpful for you to talk with people who are going through similar problems with their family members.

[Louise_B]

As for your SO, I have no idea. How did he respond when you told him all of that?

I said to him he doesnt care about how i'm feeling which got his back up. And he asked me why i havent called him to talk about the situation with my mum. I simply responding with saying i knew he was going to be busy with sniper school. When i told him how i felt over the phone he sat and listened and told me he was sorry and he needs to learn how to trust me better. He repeatidly told me i am a strong amazing woman and that his sorry. Fair enough his sorry but lets see how long it takes before he blows off again about something. I mean i love him and i want him to overcome his insecurities but at the same time. I try to be the most loving loyal girl he could ever have and he just doubts it.

You are being an amazing daughter trying to look after both your mom and dad but you shouldnt be looking after them. They are adults, they need to look after themselves. It was wrong of your dad to guilt trip you. If he wanted his wife around more he'd do more to help her get over her problems not avoid it.

He does honestly do whatever he cans to make her happy, he tries to understand her, Buys her all her sugar rush stuff that obviously she craves because shes missing out on the alcohol. He's been taking her out for dinner! Stupid stuff. but its enough to make someone realise thats what they should be enjoying. But yes i totally agree that its wrong for my dad to guilt trip me. And seems like i have fallen for it. Although i told my mum if she slips up once (slipping up i mean if i catch her drinking in the house) that the horse is gone. I wish i was as strong as everyone makes me out to be so i can tell her enough is enough and sell the horse, but it seems like i'm weak! Its taken me 6 years of working to be able to get buy with 2 horses. I sold my own horse because finacially i couldnt afford the two and i kept hers for her. Now i have booked myself a holiday to majorca in 3 weeks my first holiday in 6 years (not including seeing my SO) and now it seems like i havent even got the money to go away with so i may have to cancel.

I don't understand why your SO is being a dick because you have a photo of you with another man years before you and your SO even began dating?

Honestly i dont understand either, When he first brought it up i asked him if he was going to go around all my albums now and ask me to delete any photo i have of me and a guy? and he said he wasnt but he doesnt trust this guy 'Reiss' the photo he asked me to delete. Baffles me to why. Don't get me wrong i was a little pissed that he had only JUST been tagged in a photo which was taken in summer 2012 with the girl he was dating, And the reason i was pissed with it is because why tagg him now when his in a relationship? and he even LIKED the photo himself! Someone commented saying 'cute couple' and he didnt once try to correct that comment that someone made. And because i brought up about that photo to him only saying ' is that brittany in that photo ' he turned it on me with the whole 'Reiss' situation. Which was cruel it turned the whole thing around on me. He asked me to delete the phot so i said ok no worries but may you untag yourself in that one? And he went on to say him and brittany are only friends .. Noope i remember you telling me you two had a relationship and she chose another guy over you! Maybe his defensive about something .. Who knows .. i dont know the logic behinde the way his acting recently

[libelle]

This is just so weird. He is reacting about YOUR photo that was taken YEARS before you started dating, the way YOU should react to HIS photo that he was tagged in and even liked, and even didn't answer to the "cute couple" comment.... Something totally stinks here. I would be offended if i were you and would seriously talk to him about it.

[Louise_B]

This is just so weird. He is reacting about YOUR photo that was taken YEARS before you started dating, the way YOU should react to HIS photo that he was tagged in and even liked, and even didn't answer to the "cute couple" comment.... Something totally stinks here. I would be offended if i were you and would seriously talk to him about it.

Finally .. so i wasnt acting irrational when i asked him to untag the photo? I'm glad i'm not the only one whose see's it the way i do. And i know damn well he saw the comment because he gets texts on his phone from notifications! Now i will bring something up that did bother me on my trip and maybe you can rattle youre brains about it. Justin was dating this 'Brittany' and her aunt and uncle live in Iowa and so does she. Now we took a road trip to Iowa to visit her Aunt and uncle because Justin is VERY close with them (Justin served with her uncle in 2009 in afghanistan). Now .. When i was usuing the bathroom i over heard him talking to thie aunt and he said something along the lines of ' i was like really. you chose that over me' i came out the bathroom and the conversation died. The next day and night Justin now and again brought up jokes about Brittany (shes not pregnant with a guy) saying how she stupid for getting pregnant with a guy younger than her bla bla bla .. I took it for a bit of banter! But then his aint was like ' Justin you really need to let it go ' that night we went to see a movie with this girls brother. And justin kept asking about her boyfriend making fun of him and her and im sitting there like little miss innocent! But now i look back i'm thinking WTF .. the whole time we were in Iowa you was banging on about this Brittany and now you been tagged in this photo. I bring it up and he turns it on me about Reiss. And check this out. Thursday his off to Iowa to spend july 4th with her aunt and uncle .. Now .. July 4th .. Family? Brittany? or am i just over thinking this

[libelle]

( You are definitely not overthinking this ... Look, sorry I don't want to spark your doubts about him. But I think something is really going on there. He just can't be over her. He says he goes to visit that family because of him being so close to her uncle. Okay, understandable. But why, during that visit, did he only speak about HER (doesn't matter if it was joking - of course if you want to carefully address a subject, you will do it jokingly, in a carefree manner, and not in a serious talk that would alert you easier) and not about their time together (with the uncle), about the army, etc? It seems like he is doing everything in order to stay in touch with her, even if it's indirectly - through her aunt and uncle, through her brother, who he AGAIN spoke mainly about her with, through this TRIP?? Come on.. so he couldn't spend the time with you? Or with some friends of his? Or with his own family? Or save the money so you can meet sooner? ..... And this photo stays a hanging subject. A person who has things clear and in the past with an ex wouldn't do what he did, and wouldn't then snap back at you not with an answer, but by trying to guilt trip you about something completely different that doesn't even make sense. Speak out to him, he isn't ready for a relationship if he isn't over the past one.... And it definitely doesn't seem like he is over it.

[ThePiedPiper]

( You are definitely not overthinking this ... Look, sorry I don't want to spark your doubts about him. But I think something is really going on there. He just can't be over her. He says he goes to visit that family because of him being so close to her uncle. Okay, understandable. But why, during that visit, did he only speak about HER (doesn't matter if it was joking - of course if you want to carefully address a subject, you will do it jokingly, in a carefree manner, and not in a serious talk that would alert you easier) and not about their time together (with the uncle), about the army, etc? It seems like he is doing everything in order to stay in touch with her, even if it's indirectly - through her aunt and uncle, through her brother, who he AGAIN spoke mainly about her with, through this TRIP?? Come on.. so he couldn't spend the time with you? Or with some friends of his? Or with his own family? Or save the money so you can meet sooner? ..... And this photo stays a hanging subject. A person who has things clear and in the past with an ex wouldn't do what he did, and wouldn't then snap back at you not with an answer, but by trying to guilt trip you about something completely different that doesn't even make sense. Speak out to him, he isn't ready for a relationship if he isn't over the past one.... And it definitely doesn't seem like he is over it.

^ This.

[Black_Halloween]

( You are definitely not overthinking this ... Look, sorry I don't want to spark your doubts about him. But I think something is really going on there. He just can't be over her. He says he goes to visit that family because of him being so close to her uncle. Okay, understandable. But why, during that visit, did he only speak about HER (doesn't matter if it was joking - of course if you want to carefully address a subject, you will do it jokingly, in a carefree manner, and not in a serious talk that would alert you easier) and not about their time together (with the uncle), about the army, etc? It seems like he is doing everything in order to stay in touch with her, even if it's indirectly - through her aunt and uncle, through her brother, who he AGAIN spoke mainly about her with, through this TRIP?? Come on.. so he couldn't spend the time with you? Or with some friends of his? Or with his own family? Or save the money so you can meet sooner? ..... And this photo stays a hanging subject. A person who has things clear and in the past with an ex wouldn't do what he did, and wouldn't then snap back at you not with an answer, but by trying to guilt trip you about something completely different that doesn't even make sense. Speak out to him, he isn't ready for a relationship if he isn't over the past one.... And it definitely doesn't seem like he is over it.

this. this. this. this. this.