It's all on my shoulders, can't handle it

[Hollandia]

I would have a completely open and honest talk about how this is making you feel. If he says that is just him and you are not okay with it, then end it. My SO hates to feel smothered or pushed in any way. Some men are just like that, but if he is not trying to contact you at all and not really communicating at all when you are in touch, this would be a problem to me too. Why be in a relationship if you can't enjoy each other's company?

[leonsfangirl]

The way your guy is, is how i am in my relationship and life in general.
I'm easy going, i roll with it. My guy hates it sometimes but it's WHO I AM.
Typical conversation
"what do you want to eat?"
"I dunno, what do you want?"
"Im asking what you want"
"Im not fussy, what ever you want is fine"
Im not being difficult im honestly just not wanting anything in particular. Its not that i dont care, it just im down for whatever.
If you can't accept who he is, walk away.
You've only been a couple 2 months, hardly enough time for deep and meaningful conversations in my opinion and you said that you assumed he'd open up more in time, you've not given him alot of time.
Plus you cant beat the good old tell him what you expect and what you want. Blokes cant read minds and i bet he thinks he's doing what makes you happy.

[Pinion]

Sounds almost like he's not ready to be in any kind of romantic relationship right now because of the anxiety... also, it seems like you want very different things out of this. You want all the acitivites, deep conversations, etc., he wants to talk about how his day went. Do you think you can find a compromise? If not, you'll have to sit it out until he becomes secure / confident enough to do the things you'd like to do. And that may take a long time, if it ever happens. Think about it. Talk to him about it. I wish you all the best.

I'm willing to compromise. I'd take deeper conversations or activities initiated by him 1-2 times a week, and whatever happens the rest. That's extremely low-maintenance and something I could handle when I had mild anxiety/depression. If that's too much, you're right that he shouldn't be in a relationship. I still am nervous socially and suffer from a lack of sleep due to nerves on an occasional basis, but I decided nothing anybody could do to me would be worse than sitting inside all day, alone, watching my life disappear in endless hours of solitary Internet and books but wanting so much more. Maybe we're just not a good match despite common interests and background.

if this is a deal breaker for you, then end it now. This isnt something you can just expect someone to change. He is in his late 20's, this is who he is. You either accept it, or move on.
You should explain to him how you feel, but not ina demaeaning way. More of I understand this is your personality and how you interact, but unfortunately I need more kind of way. Depending on his reaction to that, would determine where the relationship goes.

It's absolutely a deal breaker for me... I don't even treat my bird like something to just have. I don't need things or relationships that take up space in my life, I need things and relationships that contribute to it and give it meaning.

I'll give it a week and see if there's any sign of change.

The way your guy is, is how i am in my relationship and life in general.
I'm easy going, i roll with it. My guy hates it sometimes but it's WHO I AM.
Typical conversation
"what do you want to eat?"
"I dunno, what do you want?"
"Im asking what you want"
"Im not fussy, what ever you want is fine"
Im not being difficult im honestly just not wanting anything in particular. Its not that i dont care, it just im down for whatever.
If you can't accept who he is, walk away.
You've only been a couple 2 months, hardly enough time for deep and meaningful conversations in my opinion and you said that you assumed he'd open up more in time, you've not given him alot of time.
Plus you cant beat the good old tell him what you expect and what you want. Blokes cant read minds and i bet he thinks he's doing what makes you happy.

I've had meaningful conversations with people I've PMed for 3 days, so I strongly disagree that 2 months in a relationship built off a friendship of longer isn't enough.

[snow]

I'll give it a week and see if there's any sign of change.

Let him know he has to change! I hope things work out for you two! Good luck!!

[ams.201220]

My SO is like that too! We used to get into such big arguments about it, and eventually we took a break because I felt like it was suffocating. At one point it felt like all he wanted was sex. We're back together and our relationship is sooo much better than before. He doesn't do everything that I want to do, but he and I both know where we went wrong and try to fix it as we go along, little by little.

I'm not saying at all you should break up with him and I agree with lyonsgirl about not playing games. Honestly, he probably cares. He'd just prefer to do what you want. Repetitive, I know.

I think you should find an activity he likes to do by himself (ie: gaming, drawing, etc...) and say that you want to do it with him. Tell him you feel you two always do what you want and that you want to do something he wants to do. When i started playing online games with Austin, we had a lot more to talk about and he wanted to do it because it was something he was really interested in.

Also, tell him you don't think he cares and that's because he doesn't show as much interest as you want him to. If he hears that it's really upsetting you, he may be quicker to adjust.

But like everyone is saying, don't change him. If being passive is one of his qualities, more than likely it always will be. If you're unable to handle it you need to break things off. Especially since you two have only been going out for a short while, and you already feel like this; imagine how you're going to feel months from now.

[Black_Halloween]

I've had meaningful conversations with people I've PMed for 3 days, so I strongly disagree that 2 months in a relationship built off a friendship of longer isn't enough.

You have to understand that everybody is different. Just because people who you've interacted with in the past open up easily does not mean that's how he should act. In the grand scheme of things two months is not a long time at all. At this point you're still getting to know how each other acts in a relationship. You need to talk to him about this but not in an accusing way like you're acting. All you need to do is say "hey, lets do something you want to do " and "Id really love it if you tex'd/called me first sometimes because then i'd feel special" you know? Keep it light.

[ThePiedPiper]

In response to people saying deep conversations aren't what relationships are built on and/or this is how men normally are, while this is certainly true for some people, I, like the OPer perhaps (?), require deep conversation and for my partner to contribute equally to the conversation for me to remain interested in someone in a relationship. Sure, I can maintain a conversation. I can maintain one between me and the other person for hours! I can also shut up and let the day guide us too, but that doesn't mean I won't end up absolutely bored silly in the end of it, because the way I bond is by being able to sit and actually talk with my partner. Some people do that primarily through shared experiences, some people do it through touch, some people do it through x, y, or z but I most definitely need to have active conversation and be with someone who's not afraid to go deeper with me when I need or want them to and who's not afraid to ask me to do the same. I simply wanted to point out that it's not necessarily a matter of the OPer not understanding how men work or trying to push her new relationship into something it's not ready for... and I know for me, the deep conversations come before/while establishing the relationship. So it does happen that way for some people.

Unfortunately, @the OPer, all I can really tell you is that some people are this way. I had a friend like this in middle school and she's still this way even after having gone through four years of university. I couldn't quite tell you if it's anxiety or simply if she's one of those people that rarely has an opinion when it comes to determining what to do or talk about between friends, but it's definitely a part of the reason our trio fell apart (in middle school) after the more exuberant of us three moved away. I'm not sure I so much see this as an issue of you complaining about a conversation you're going to have with every guy you meet, and you will sometimes have mundane conversations, but more an issue of a personality conflict, being honest. Maybe I only feel this way because I've known someone much like your SO, who regardless of how much you prompted them, they never had an opinion and never really seemed to care about letting someone else take the reigns. Even my mother's ex-non-boyfriend-boyfriend ended up pushing my mother away because he lacked an identity. He did whatever she wanted, shared all her opinions, wanted to be involved in her classes, but he rarely brought anything of his own to the table - and this is someone in his late 50s! The thing is, sometimes this is how some people are, and no matter how much you two have in common, the lack of an independent identity will always cause problems. Whether your SO lacks that identity because he's too scared to embrace it or because he simply doesn't have one outside of the people he's around (and both types exist), I couldn't tell you, but given that he's in his late 20s and if he hasn't changed since you've talked to him about this... Then eh, this might be a take it or leave it situation, because this is more than him just not engaging in conversation; this is you asking him to change a large part of who he currently is. Do I think you're being unreasonable about this? No, I don't get this sense at all, but I do feel that you are asking him to change who he is and that that can only end badly. Unfortunately, as much as you have in common, I think it might be time to call it because in my opinion, his lack of contribution is happening beyond the surface level and so sitting down and having a talk with him isn't going to do much to change it, no matter how many times you have the conversation...

ETA: This is all, of course, if Black_Halloween's advice does not work. If saying you want to do what he wants to do actually opens up opportunities, then go with that. If it doesn't, I dunno. Maybe it's because I had a friend almost exactly this way, but I still think that this is just sometimes how people are, as much as we want to believe otherwise.

[aniay]

The rest of the time he'll bring up casual topics, like finding a news article related to an author he knows I like or asking what I've been up to.

That made me think, what s wrong about that? Not all your conversation will be deep important ones sometimes you will not talk at all, sometimes it will be weather, sometimes, newspaper topic and other times you'll hear about aching tooth.

I used to be like you, trying to talk about important problems all the time, you CAN'T do it all the time, it just doesn't work like that.

Other than that, if you want to be with someone you need to accept them as they are, and not count on them to change (been there, done that) You either accept he's passive or move on. And none of the guys i've known were keen about talking about important, meaningfull topics all the time.

[Pinion]

That made me think, what s wrong about that? Not all your conversation will be deep important ones sometimes you will not talk at all, sometimes it will be weather, sometimes, newspaper topic and other times you'll hear about aching tooth.

I used to be like you, trying to talk about important problems all the time, you CAN'T do it all the time, it just doesn't work like that.

Other than that, if you want to be with someone you need to accept them as they are, and not count on them to change (been there, done that) You either accept he's passive or move on. And none of the guys i've known were keen about talking about important, meaningfull topics all the time.

There's nothing wrong with it except that it's all there is. Why is that so hard to understand?

Thanks to ThePiedPiper for understanding that some people need relationships with depth.

[ThePiedPiper]

The OPer isn't saying she doesn't like to share in his interests, share ideas she's found on LFAD, and talk about the weather. She's saying she needs to have a deep conversation every now and again and for him to have an interest and identity separate to hers and deeper than what's the top post on Reddit for the day. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that and I feel like she's being persecuted for it? I also feel like people are jumping on the bandwagon of "no guys I've known ever want to have deep and meaningful conversations!" That simply shows you where your own values are and how they're different. My male friends have been/are capable of having deep conversation and enjoy it. Not all the time, no, but no one wants to have mentally or emotionally exhausting conversations all the time, and I don't take the OPer to be saying she wants that either. My mother recently met a man who is also very deep. By "deep and meaningful conversation" I should clarify that I don't necessarily mean talking to a guy about ALL the emotions and ALL the things, too. I mean so far as being able to come home from one of my classes after having to cut a debate short at the end of the hour and wanting to continue delving into and exploring the rich topic of x, y, or z and having him be able to have his own opinions and sustain a conversation about it. I don't necessarily consider myself smarter than anyone else, but I certainly have a deep need for intellectual stimulation and for me, that is provided through conversations that go beyond "how was your day?" even if I'm capable of having those conversations too. The OPer isn't saying she wants to turn her SO into a philosopher. She's saying her SO's lack of depth, regardless of whether or not it's rooted in anxiety (which seems to be a buzzword for people to coddle their behaviours, because we can all relate, in some way or another, to anxiety), is putting a strain on her relationship and she's looking for support and advice for how to deal with it, not to be scoffed at and told she won't find it in any men because men certainly don't enjoy such conversations. ._. That's how I read the post anyway...

[Black_Halloween]

I think the OP is being way too hard on this guy the more she explains it. I get that she needs a deep/meaningful conversation once in a while but they've only been together for TWO MONTHS. At this point it should be kept light and fun. So now he's trying to initiate conversation with newspaper articles ectec? That's a good thing! Build on that and see where the conversation leads you.

[aniay]

There's nothing wrong with it except that it's all there is. Why is that so hard to understand?

Thanks to ThePiedPiper for understanding that some people need relationships with depth.

I am not saying to NOT have meaningfull talk AT ALL I mean you can't have meaningfull talks ALL THE TIME. If it bothers you, break up with him or try to change him and fail.

Beside that talking about weather, newspapers and what he had for dinner doesn't make a relationship less meaningfull than when you're talking about sense of life, future, past etc.


ETA: @TPP: I am not sayin'g it's wrong for wanting a deep meaningfull conversation out of the guy. But when a guy isn't used to such talks it's either break him or break yourself if you try to hard. I just hear myself from ten years ago. And I know my approach was wrong. Only sharing experience.

[ThePiedPiper]

I guess I've always conducted my relationships differently? I agree that she can be more understanding when he does try, but I'm not convinced she's not simply venting frustration that that's all he offers her... I don't know. Maybe I'm reading her wrong. I'm not suggesting she try and change him at all. That's exactly what I'm suggesting she don't do and why I'm saying she should essentially take it or leave it. I guess I don't see why two months is too early to have deep conversation. Again, I'm not talking deep conversation like feelings and emotions and marriage and families. I'm talking deep, like, stimulating. Open, honest, and raw if they'll let me but it doesn't even need to go deep on that level if they're not ready for it. However, say I bring home a topic from one of my classes in humanistic psychology and I want to talk about it and explore it with someone until we're both exhausted. That's always been the way I have begun my relationships, is with that level of conversation, because that's a part of what I need to be compatible with someone. :/ I'm not saying the OPer should change her SO, just that I don't think she should be persecuted for thinking this makes her incompatible with him. Hopefully that explained my point better, because I feel like I'm somehow explaining my point of a deep conversation wrong or saying she shouldn't also talk about his news articles, which she should. I guess I'm just saying two months has never been too early for me to really click with someone in having mentally stimulating, deep conversations and that's what makes a relationship work for me and it does exist, you just have to find people who also have those same needs.

[Pinion]

I guess I've always conducted my relationships differently? I agree that she can be more understanding when he does try, but I'm not convinced she's not simply venting frustration that that's all he offers her... I don't know. Maybe I'm reading her wrong. I'm not suggesting she try and change him at all. That's exactly what I'm suggesting she don't do and why I'm saying she should essentially take it or leave it. I guess I don't see why two months is too early to have deep conversation. Again, I'm not talking deep conversation like feelings and emotions and marriage and families. I'm talking deep, like, stimulating. Open, honest, and raw if they'll let me but it doesn't even need to go deep on that level if they're not ready for it. However, say I bring home a topic from one of my classes in humanistic psychology and I want to talk about it and explore it with someone until we're both exhausted. That's always been the way I have begun my relationships, is with that level of conversation, because that's a part of what I need to be compatible with someone. :/ I'm not saying the OPer should change her SO, just that I don't think she should be persecuted for thinking this makes her incompatible with him. Hopefully that explained my point better, because I feel like I'm somehow explaining my point of a deep conversation wrong or saying she shouldn't also talk about his news articles, which she should. I guess I'm just saying two months has never been too early for me to really click with someone in having mentally stimulating, deep conversations and that's what makes a relationship work for me and it does exist, you just have to find people who also have those same needs.

Every single suggestion in this thread - especially not expecting deep conversation all the time - has been tried. That's why I'm frustrated, venting to strangers on a forum, and seriously thinking of leaving. The longer I stay in something with no sign of a future the more I'll have to lose in the future, when there's still tons of communities and people out there who could make me feel loved and wanted... as long as I have time and room for them, and I only have room for one significant other.

I don't even want to talk about emotions. I'd be happy for science, interpretations of film and literature, serious gaming, animal training, etc.

[Black_Halloween]

"I don't even want to talk about emotions. I'd be happy for science, interpretations of film and literature, serious gaming, animal training, etc."

I feel like that's what he's trying to do by bringing up news paper articles. Daniel and I started out that way (and we still do this lol). One of us would bring something up we saw on the news or read then we'd talk about the topic further and somehow end up in a 3 hour conversation about something totally irrelevant xD But if that's not what you want then by all means, leave the guy.