Heartbroken, and scared.... 7 years.... over?

[conejita_hada]

I appreciate the advice everyone, I really do. But you have to understand that I'm still in shock and I'm still getting my thoughts together. I'm trying to look at this in a rational way, and not just with emotion, which is why I posted this. For advice, second opinions, and different perspectives. I'm not ready to make any real decisions yet because I'm still in shock. With time, will come the answers. I'm still deciding on what I really want to do.

Very understandable that you need some time to figure it out. I'm sorry for what happened, it is horrible and difficult to understand. I do agree with the other posters but as you said, you need some time to think it over. Possibly take a few days for yourself, maybe talk to an individual you feel comfortable confiding in and do some activities which you enjoy that focus on you as an individual (maybe try a new hobby/activity you're interested in). As you said, you had a happy/good relationship for a long time, it helped you grow and like the other posters said, it's good to remember that and use your relationship to learn from. Remember that while she has helped you overcome your depression, you are the one who has maintained control of it, no one else can do that but you.

[Laural007]

You need to ask yourself if things works out in the future are you ever going to be able to trust her again? Is she willing to locate to a new job (although temptation is every where)? Seven months was a long time to basically have a second relationship with another person.

I'm sorry you are feeling the way that you do but you need to take into consideration she doesn't want you to be with her yet. I would give my heart, leg, smile, eye...anything to have my SO drop everything to come be with me. It's possible she is in a relationship with the other man and she's trying to see how far it'll get but keeping you around for backup.

You seem like a wonderful man and she really doesn't deserve your attention or tears.

[ST25]

Hmm.

It's surprising that she would just spit everything back into your face just like that when you were willing to forgive her of her actions. Maybe she didn't want to be with you after all in that case. And on the lying/waiting for sex part, she probably caved in to temptation, but didn't want to face you about it in fear of being seen as a hypocrite in her case. As for the cheating if the relationship didn't work out? I...can kind of understand that too, as much as that will piss other people off. It's hard to explain, but the circumstances might be different in her case. So she probably acted out her impulse through someone else thinking that it wouldn't hurt you as long as you didn't find out about it. I'm only hypothesizing because I've been in her shoes before but, since she doesn't want to, well, kiss and make up about it, then there's really nothing that can salvage the relationship now. Just let her go, let her be happy and most of all let yourself be happy.

[Deleted]

It is more easily said than done... but I also think you should let go. She helped you before and for that you should be glad, but you cannot forgive a person's fault for something good they did before. People change, sometimes for good, some for bad. Feelings change too, even love can vanish.

In the sex part your relationship is similar to mine, I also told my SO I wanted to wait (perhaps not till marriage, but until engagement perhaps) because of my Christian background and other reasons. Knowing how hard it can be for a man to wait for a girl since my SO struggles once in a while, and the love it requires to keep on thinking it is all worth it, I can imagine the heartbreak that cheatig + sex must mean to you. I can't but see my SO in your shoes and from that perspective I'll say she does not deserve you. You deserve a girl who will respect the relationship.

We all make mistakes, but to me cheating is one HORRIBLE mistake even if it is a one-night stand only... but 7 months is too much. I would not even forgive myself for doing it. I also can't see why it would be fine to tell your SO you want to wait to have sex if you are having sex with someone else.

She helped you once but now she's making you harm. It happens... this is and has for 7 months been an unhealthy relationship that you should leave. Let go and let your scars heal. The fact that she helped you get out of depression once, does not mean she is the only one who will ever support you.

Sorry if I sound too harsh, but dishonesty is too much for me to take. Loyalty in a relationship is a very valuable thing to me... but again, just remember scars heal with time. Good luck

[kissingbunny]

There's one thing that a long distance relationship absolutely *must* have in order to work, that's trust. If you cannot trust someone who is so far away not to cheat on you or lie to you, what is the point of remaining in that relationship? Can you honestly ask yourself that if you two try to repair this, that you can and will go back to trusting this woman 100% of the time?

If I were in that situation, I would politely tell her that she should be happy with her choices and that you will be happy to make the final one and just break contact. I couldn't trust someone who caused me so much pain.

[Sharon Q]

she just messaged me telling me that she can't get over the doubts,

She can't get over the doubts! That's almost laughable. If anyone can't get over the doubts it should be YOU man. It sounds to me like she is now playing games with you. She doesn't want to work things out. If she wanted to work things out she would have said something to begin with. She would not have cheated on you for 7 months!

Move on and forget her.

As far as the depression goes there are ways to manage it. Counseling, medications, hobbies, friends, exercise and more.

If you stay with her or try to, you are only going to end up in more pain. Not less.

[Black_Halloween]

She can't get over the doubts! That's almost laughable. If anyone can't get over the doubts it should be YOU man. It sounds to me like she is now playing games with you. She doesn't want to work things out. If she wanted to work things out she would have said something to begin with. She would not have cheated on you for 7 months!

Move on and forget her.

As far as the depression goes there are ways to manage it. Counseling, medications, hobbies, friends, exercise and more.

If you stay with her or try to, you are only going to end up in more pain. Not less.

All of this.

[Chris]

I just want it to be clear to everyone, if I didn't make it clear in my original post, I'm not entirely innocent in all of this.

It doesn't excuse the things I said to her sometimes, but I came from a very abusive past. Sometimes, things she would like set me off because it reminded me of past and hurt me deeply. It was irrational. I was wrong. It wasn't her fault. But since I did those things I have repeatedly tried, over and over again, to make it right. I've apologized a lot, and I took it a step further by trying to show her I had changed. I began offering to do some of those things with her that I blew up over in the past. I knew she was afraid because of the things I had said, but I did my best to make my regret clear and to make up for it by offering to work on those things together.

She never wanted to give me a chance though because she never let go of that fear of me blowing up again. It's not entirely her fault for that though. I want to also make it clear though that it was never physical. I never laid a hand on her. I never did anything of that sort. I never threw insults at her or threatened to hurt her.

And while I was suicidal in the past, I've also tried to make it clear that I'm not anymore.

[CynderAngel]

I feel that I should give my perspective, and I'm prepared to accept the criticism because I agree that what I did was unforgivable.

When we were friends, and when we began our relationship, Chris helped me with my depression too. Together, we brought our depression to manageable levels, and we were pretty happy together. My memories of the first few years of our relationship are mostly positive, but I know we spent a fair amount of time arguing about various things. Anything as stupid as a movie or song I liked or even my religion. I became afraid and reluctant to discuss my religious or political views and came to refuse to choose movies for us to watch. Often, when we had arguments, I stopped talking and listened to Chris without saying a word... sometimes for hours on end. Chris began to offer me a chance to state my own opinions, but due to my own insecurities, I usually kept my mouth shut. I felt if I said anything, it would only escalate the argument. Sometimes I was relieved during our visits just because we had more to do than talk. We had more distractions available (board games, dinner, fairs) so our arguments were kept to a minimum.

I know it's petty. I should have just talked to him about how I felt or gotten over it. I vented to a friend at work instead. A few months into this year, I started cheating with that friend. I was never proud of it. Other than a few sexual acts with Chris, that was my first sexual experience. Before I got with this person from work, my coping skills tended to include pulling my hair, choking myself, digging my nails into my skin, taking medications incorrectly, or playing with knives. This person from work became my new coping mechanism. New punishment? I didn't do this without guilt.

I'm afraid to make things up with Chris for several reasons. I don't want to hurt him again. I don't want to feel the insecurity I felt before. I don't feel that I deserve him. I don't know what I want for myself.

So... Go ahead. Pick me apart. At this point, I need a push to figure out what to do with myself.

[loneliestgirl]

I just want it to be clear to everyone, if I didn't make it clear in my original post, I'm not entirely innocent in all of this.

It doesn't excuse the things I said to her sometimes, but I came from a very abusive past. Sometimes, things she would like set me off because it reminded me of past and hurt me deeply. It was irrational. I was wrong. It wasn't her fault. But since I did those things I have repeatedly tried, over and over again, to make it right. I've apologized a lot, and I took it a step further by trying to show her I had changed. I began offering to do some of those things with her that I blew up over in the past. I knew she was afraid because of the things I had said, but I did my best to make my regret clear and to make up for it by offering to work on those things together.

She never wanted to give me a chance though because she never let go of that fear of me blowing up again. It's not entirely her fault for that though. I want to also make it clear though that it was never physical. I never laid a hand on her. I never did anything of that sort. I never threw insults at her or threatened to hurt her.

And while I was suicidal in the past, I've also tried to make it clear that I'm not anymore.

Cheating is a choice. She chose to cheat. She chose to lie. It wouldn't matter what you said to her. It's not an excuse to pathologically lie as she did. It's all on her and only her. Her character is her responsibility.

Also, has she broken off with the other person or is she still with them and trying to choose? Because if she still hasn't broken up with her CD SO, then she is still betraying you and showing how very little she cares.

[80anthea]

I feel that I should give my perspective, and I'm prepared to accept the criticism because I agree that what I did was unforgivable.

When we were friends, and when we began our relationship, Chris helped me with my depression too. Together, we brought our depression to manageable levels, and we were pretty happy together. My memories of the first few years of our relationship are mostly positive, but I know we spent a fair amount of time arguing about various things. Anything as stupid as a movie or song I liked or even my religion. I became afraid and reluctant to discuss my religious or political views and came to refuse to choose movies for us to watch. Often, when we had arguments, I stopped talking and listened to Chris without saying a word... sometimes for hours on end. Chris began to offer me a chance to state my own opinions, but due to my own insecurities, I usually kept my mouth shut. I felt if I said anything, it would only escalate the argument. Sometimes I was relieved during our visits just because we had more to do than talk. We had more distractions available (board games, dinner, fairs) so our arguments were kept to a minimum.

I know it's petty. I should have just talked to him about how I felt or gotten over it. I vented to a friend at work instead. A few months into this year, I started cheating with that friend. I was never proud of it. Other than a few sexual acts with Chris, that was my first sexual experience. Before I got with this person from work, my coping skills tended to include pulling my hair, choking myself, digging my nails into my skin, taking medications incorrectly, or playing with knives. This person from work became my new coping mechanism. New punishment? I didn't do this without guilt.

I'm afraid to make things up with Chris for several reasons. I don't want to hurt him again. I don't want to feel the insecurity I felt before. I don't feel that I deserve him. I don't know what I want for myself.

So... Go ahead. Pick me apart. At this point, I need a push to figure out what to do with myself.

I think what you need to do with yourself is find a coping mechanism that doesn't hurt yourself or anyone else. I think you seriously need to consider psychiatric help.

[kattermole]

Honestly, I think this is something the two of you need to sort out privately and not on a public forum.

[Chris]

Honestly, I think this is something the two of you need to sort out privately and not on a public forum.

Nothing else is going to be said on here. I didn't realize that she was going to say anything at all on here. It's all private from here on out, but I suppose we both needed to vent badly.

[kattermole]

Nothing else is going to be said on here. I didn't realize that she was going to say anything at all on here. It's all private from here on out, but I suppose we both needed to vent badly.

Yeah I totally get that. I do think you each need a space where you can share thoughts or ask advice, but I don't think the same space is a good idea. I hope you both find some clarity

[Hollandia]

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