Help!She wont relocate, i cant relocate neither. Is it the end?

[chips000]

Hi, Im new to the site and im looking desperately for advice. Story is a little bit long, so please bear with me Ive been in a LDR with my Gf for over 1 year, I live in Canada and she is from Germany. I met her a couple of years ago when she came under a working holiday visa and started to go out.
She had to go back to her country for college and the plan was once she graduated she would come back to Canada with me.
We love each other very much, but now she told me she wont move in with me, because after graduating she will enroll into a masters degree in her country because in Europe education is extremelly cheap. so she wants me to wait for another 2 more years. 4 years in total or She wants me to move to her country.
My problem is i dont speak German at all, No disrepect but i dont like germany to live, i dont like their culture. I have a friend living there and he adviced me to not to go, he is not happy there either.
If a go to Germany i'll need a working visa, i need to get a job offer to get it (I dont speak german..) or i will need her to sponsor me (They dont have common law partner sponsorship, just conyugal...) she belives that learning german, find a decent job and go thru immigration loops is piece of cake.....
When i offered her to come to Canada for her masters she said the cost of the master would be very expensive, so i offered to sponsor her so she could have a low interest student loan and i would cosign it to help her so she doesnt have to pay that much...But according to immigration law we have to live together for one year and then the process for her green card takes another year, basically she would be spending two years without being able to work or study.
But if we get married the process would be only one year, she can finish her bachelor in that time and then she could come to canada as a permanent resident. She said she "wants to maryy me, just not for the moment"
So Im stuck, I have a good business running in Canada that provides me with enough income to go to Germany every two months and being there for in between two or three weeks. I cant afford to lose my business and start from scratch in Germany, not even knowing the lenguage, also im afraid of the kind of job i will be doing, like dish washer, or car washer, or work in farms. she could eventually lose respect for me when money is an issue. So, I seriously dont know what to do, I love her dearly, she has been the best girlfriend i ve ever had by far so i dont want to lose her, but neither i cant do what she wants. She speaks perfect english and french, she likes Canadian culture, would be way easier for her to resettle here with me than me going to Germany. She is young, 22 and i think she is afraid for commitment. Ive just turned 35 and i have a good business running and a good network of contacts related to my business. What to do? Im so confused. i feel like if im not moving to germany with her its worthless to keep going on with this relationship. or i can wait for another year and then propose her and see how she reacts and try to convince her to move to canada with me. But it will be just a gamble. Also, I need to expand my business and those trips to Europe are consting me 4000 each one, so i can no reinvest in my business. what i want is something specific, some plan to hold on to. I can not live anymore like this, its so depresssing and frustrating for me. I have even start councelling, but my councellor is on holidays and wont be back until the 25, and i dont want to break up wityh her neither for the moment. she is on exams and i dont want to cause her any grief because i truly love her. Please Help!!! What would you do if you were me???

[Anoulie]

I can totally relate to your situation (I'm also attending university in Germany, and man, is it cheap). But frankly, I don't see that big of a problem here? Of course being far away sucks, and it'd be much better if you could be together, but right now you both need to focus on your respective careers. Once she has her master's degree, it will be easier for her to get a job (in Canada), and seriously, why would she get into thousands of dollars of debt when she can study for free in her country? And it wouldn't make sense for her to abandon your business either, especially if she "speaks perfect english and french, she likes Canadian culture, would be way easier for her to resettle here with me than me going to Germany" as you said. So my advice would be, as hard as it is, to sit it out for another two years. You have the money to visit her, but you don't need to do that every two months -- maybe every four months, so you only spend half as much?
As for getting married, maybe it's a cultural thing, too. Germans get married pretty late nowadays (think ~ 28 years old), and usually after living together for a couple of years, too. Of course she's afraid of commitment, she's 22, for God's sake! And you haven't lived together yet so she doesn't know what it's like yet.
Your situation is different, of course, with the visa etc., but if she finished her master's, and with her language skills, she could probably find a job in Canada and get a visa that way without marrying you at all! Then you could live together, see what it's like, THEN get married.
Sorry if that wasn't helpful at all, but I tried I wish you all the best.

[Bluejay Belle]

Some people here are in relationships with no closing the distance in sight and they are still making it work. I hope one or more of them will post here to offer their insight.

I think you have to decide if you are willing to wait. Would she be willing to come to Canada after her masters? It will take several more years, but then you won't have to uproot your business and yourself. If you know right now that waiting is not something you are willing to compromise, and you cannot see this relationship continuing for whatever reason, perhaps ending it is the way to go. However, this is something you will have to decide on your own.

I can understand where she is coming from: only a year together may seem too soon for her to marry you - like she said, she wants to, but is not ready yet. She wants to finish her education without a 1-2 year gap.

In my opinion, you should think about your willingness to wait for her. Maybe extend the period between your visits, if you can, so that you can put more money towards your business.

[Dziubka]

I can totally relate to your situation (I'm also attending university in Germany, and man, is it cheap). But frankly, I don't see that big of a problem here? Of course being far away sucks, and it'd be much better if you could be together, but right now you both need to focus on your respective careers. Once she has her master's degree, it will be easier for her to get a job (in Canada), and seriously, why would she get into thousands of dollars of debt when she can study for free in her country? And it wouldn't make sense for her to abandon your business either, especially if she "speaks perfect english and french, she likes Canadian culture, would be way easier for her to resettle here with me than me going to Germany" as you said. So my advice would be, as hard as it is, to sit it out for another two years. You have the money to visit her, but you don't need to do that every two months -- maybe every four months, so you only spend half as much?
As for getting married, maybe it's a cultural thing, too. Germans get married pretty late nowadays (think ~ 28 years old), and usually after living together for a couple of years, too. Of course she's afraid of commitment, she's 22, for God's sake! And you haven't lived together yet so she doesn't know what it's like yet.
Your situation is different, of course, with the visa etc., but if she finished her master's, and with her language skills, she could probably find a job in Canada and get a visa that way without marrying you at all! Then you could live together, see what it's like, THEN get married.
Sorry if that wasn't helpful at all, but I tried I wish you all the best.

I agree with everything here. Stick it out for the time of her studies. Maybe have extended visits when she doesn't have classes. It'll pass and it'll be easier for both of you to close the distance after she finishes university.

I just wanted to add that the average age at 1st wedding is 30 and 33 for women and men respectively in Germany, so 28 might even be considered early. I looked it up recently, because there's huge cultural difference in the meaning of weddings between mine and my SOs culture.

[kittyo9]

Why not just wait until she's done with her degrees? I understand staying in Europe and finishing her education there, but why does that mean you have to move to Germany? It might suck to have to wait a while, but you literally already have an established, non-movable business, do not speak German, and have no desire to live in Germany, whereas she can go anywhere once she's done, speaks the language, and would be happy living in Canada. Unless you feel like you absolutely cannot go for another however many years it will take for her to finish her degree, just wait it out.

As suggested, I would also extend the time between visits. Cut it down to maybe once every 4-6 months and save some money. I know you guys want to see each other, but 4-6 months really is not that long at all (by the time you come back, you're already planning the next visit), and it will cut your costs in half or better.

[Chris516]

Hi, Im new to the site and im looking desperately for advice. Story is a little bit long, so please bear with me Ive been in a LDR with my Gf for over 1 year, I live in Canada and she is from Germany. I met her a couple of years ago when she came under a working holiday visa and started to go out.
She had to go back to her country for college and the plan was once she graduated she would come back to Canada with me.
We love each other very much, but now she told me she wont move in with me, because after graduating she will enroll into a masters degree in her country because in Europe education is extremelly cheap. so she wants me to wait for another 2 more years. 4 years in total or She wants me to move to her country.
My problem is i dont speak German at all, No disrepect but i dont like germany to live, i dont like their culture. I have a friend living there and he adviced me to not to go, he is not happy there either.
If a go to Germany i'll need a working visa, i need to get a job offer to get it (I dont speak german..) or i will need her to sponsor me (They dont have common law partner sponsorship, just conyugal...) she belives that learning german, find a decent job and go thru immigration loops is piece of cake.....
When i offered her to come to Canada for her masters she said the cost of the master would be very expensive, so i offered to sponsor her so she could have a low interest student loan and i would cosign it to help her so she doesnt have to pay that much...But according to immigration law we have to live together for one year and then the process for her green card takes another year, basically she would be spending two years without being able to work or study.
But if we get married the process would be only one year, she can finish her bachelor in that time and then she could come to canada as a permanent resident. She said she "wants to maryy me, just not for the moment"
So Im stuck, I have a good business running in Canada that provides me with enough income to go to Germany every two months and being there for in between two or three weeks. I cant afford to lose my business and start from scratch in Germany, not even knowing the lenguage, also im afraid of the kind of job i will be doing, like dish washer, or car washer, or work in farms. she could eventually lose respect for me when money is an issue. So, I seriously dont know what to do, I love her dearly, she has been the best girlfriend i ve ever had by far so i dont want to lose her, but neither i cant do what she wants. She speaks perfect english and french, she likes Canadian culture, would be way easier for her to resettle here with me than me going to Germany. She is young, 22 and i think she is afraid for commitment. Ive just turned 35 and i have a good business running and a good network of contacts related to my business. What to do? Im so confused. i feel like if im not moving to germany with her its worthless to keep going on with this relationship. or i can wait for another year and then propose her and see how she reacts and try to convince her to move to canada with me. But it will be just a gamble. Also, I need to expand my business and those trips to Europe are consting me 4000 each one, so i can no reinvest in my business. what i want is something specific, some plan to hold on to. I can not live anymore like this, its so depresssing and frustrating for me. I have even start councelling, but my councellor is on holidays and wont be back until the 25, and i dont want to break up wityh her neither for the moment. she is on exams and i dont want to cause her any grief because i truly love her. Please Help!!! What would you do if you were me???

I must be extremely biased.

While I am American by birth, I was born in Berlin back in 1967 living their until I was 3, before I moved to the US with my parents' n' younger brother. I went back for a visit when I was 24(1991). I loved being in the city again. Because apart from certain circumstances in my life, I would love to live there. Your friend may have lived there all their life and if they were born after the Berlin Wall, they only know a minimal amount, about the affect 'glasnost' and 'perestroika' had on the country. So they can't appreciate what life was like, when the Berlin Wall divided, both the city, and the country. My parents' told me stories of hiding me in the trunk of the car, when going through Checkpoint Charlie. Unless economic times are tough in Germany, they don't have anything to gripe about.

[chips000]

Original Poster: Thanks you for your comments, we have been together for 1 and a half year and initially i agreed that i could wait for her another two years to complete her studies. Im fine with waiting two years. But now, she wants me to wait another 2-3 years on top of the 2 yeras that i have initially to wait. That means that for us to be together will pass 4-5 years!
and i seriously dont think i cant wait that long and invest 4-5 years of my life "gambling" that she eventually will want to come to Canada, what if doesnt want anymore? I would have been stuck in a LDR for 4-5 that at the end didnt work! by then i'll be close to 40! in this situation i belive i have way more to lose than her....

[abna1]

I agree with the posters before me. I think it would be easiest for you to wait another 2 years until she is finished with her degree. Especially because you don't want to live here.

My SO and I won't be closing the distance anytime soon. We're looking at anything between 3,5 & 5 years if all goes well. Plus our visits are limited to once or twice a year. It's hard not knowing exactly when it'll be, but we make it work, because that's what we want for our future. And here's the thing, that I'm trying to get to.
I'm about to start uni in Germany this October. I could say (and I'm going to make this overly dramatic) "Eff this ! I did very well in my A-levels, I'm going to move to Africa to be with my SO and see if I can find a job." Or he could quit his studies, that he's half way through and try to come to Germany.
But we decided to both go to uni in our countries because it's for the best in the long run.
I want to make myself the best I can be first, so we can have a better future together !
So even though you and I are in completely different situations, it comes down to the same thing.
You're lucky, you only need to wait 2 more years ! She'll have her masters and will be ready to move to Canada and because of her education, she'll be able to get a good job. You already have a business running. How much better could it get ?
And then you can have the wedding of your dreams. Not because of a visa application or residence permit, but because you're starting your life together under the best circumstances.

[Chris516]

Original Poster: Thanks you for your comments, we have been together for 1 and a half year and initially i agreed that i could wait for her another two years to complete her studies. Im fine with waiting two years. But now, she wants me to wait another 2-3 years on top of the 2 yeras that i have initially to wait. That means that for us to be together will pass 4-5 years!
and i seriously dont think i cant wait that long and invest 4-5 years of my life "gambling" that she eventually will want to come to Canada, what if doesnt want anymore? I would have been stuck in a LDR for 4-5 that at the end didnt work! by then i'll be close to 40! in this situation i belive i have way more to lose than her....

On the part about being 'stuck' in an LDR, I can partially see where you are coming from. My SO has said before, that she is dragging her feet when I could be with someone else. But I have told her, that despite being in LDR status for six years, she has been far better to me, than my (ex)wife and (ex)fiance ever were......COMBINED!!!!!

Even if she doesn't come to Canada in that time, you should be going to Germany. Regardless of what your friend thinks of the country.

[Jess!]

If she is okay moving there, I believe you two can make it work, waiting until the time comes. Although I see people really assumed that she is excited about moving to Canada, and I only got that she would be ok with that. Maybe I didn't got it right, and I don't want to sound rude, but you should really consider what she wants to do, and where she wants to live. It just seems to me you're not open to learn a new foreign language and move out, but I also unterstand that you are not in the position for that, so then you should accept she is not too, and in 2 years time you both will be. Maybe then you can also live in a third country?

(But learning german can actually be quite usefull, just saying:P)

Aren't there any exchange programmes between Canada and Germany? Because she could, for example, do a semester abroad like Erasmus Programme in Europe. There are other exchange Uni programmes so that could be a possibility for you to be closer for a while? Try to live day by day, otherwise I think it can be to deceiving.

Good luck!

[Mims27]

But now, she wants me to wait another 2-3 years on top of the 2 years that i have initially to wait. That means that for us to be together will pass 4-5 years!

This pretty much sounds like what my SO and I have been doing. She and I have been together for 3.5 year and I've been waiting for her while she is going to school and she still has a bit to go. Yes I'm ready to be with her and I want to really badly, but she is totally worth the wait. Also she will be leaving her family and her country to be with me so this is the least I can do to support her and her future. IMO if you really love her and trust that she will not change her mind in the end, you should wait. You'll be surprised how fast it'll go. I know it's flown by for me so far.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

she wants me to wait another 2-3 years on top of the 2 yeras that i have initially to wait. That means that for us to be together will pass 4-5 years!
and i seriously dont think i cant wait that long and invest 4-5 years of my life "gambling" that she eventually will want to come to Canada, what if doesnt want anymore? I would have been stuck in a LDR for 4-5 that at the end didnt work! by then i'll be close to 40! in this situation i belive i have way more to lose than her....

In that case, YOU have to decide whether or not this is too high risk for YOU and whether or not you want out.

You can't make her move to you, you can't ask her to make choices that could seriously negatively affect her financial situation, you can't make her marry you before she's ready (and at 22, it's not particularly likely she'll be keen on marriage for a little while) and equally, she cannot ask those things of you either. And to be honest, at the moment, it looks like both of you have circumstances that make it worth your while NOT closing the distance right now.

If 4-5 years apart is too much for you, then your other option is to no longer be in this relationship. What you're saying about this being high risk for you is understandable, and it's understandable that you don't want to be apart for another few years.

What I would say is that even if you decide to do this, a lot can happen in 5 years. If I were you, I'd try to stop focusing on the "5 years", and focus on whether or not TODAY you want to be with her enough to make it work. Before you close the distance, you have 5 more years of being in a relationship to deal with, and you never know what's coming.

Yes, take the 5 years into consideration when making your decision, but make it easier on yourself and focus on the relationship you're in right now, and stop comparing it to the one you're dreaming about in 5 years time. It'll make your everyday life a little less difficult.

[babyphace05]

you are very fortunate to be able to afford to visit her every 2 months. you can definitely stick it out for another 2 years until she finishes studying and then can move there. is she willing to move after she finishes studying?