LDR is he giving me an excuse or is he being true to his word

[Michelle7]

Hi,
I am confused my LDR BF (boyfriend) and I have plans to be together forever. I live in Hawaii and am moving my 2 little girls and I to Portland, OR. one to be closer to my LDR BF who lives in CA, two to attend PSU and my I have a job there. The big reason for me doing this is to be closer to him and to live in a state that is beautiful and the cost of living and raising children is not as high as Hawaii's cost of living.

But he tells me he will visit me in OR for a good amount of time every month, and says his move to OR will not be until after his girls graduate from high school in 2 years. You see his girls live with his ex-wife in CA, but he has a really close relationship with his girls and wants to be there for them during their teen age years. So he says he will not be able to close our distance until than. I feel like why can't he just be with me and than visit them, it makes me feel like is this really worth waiting for is he giving me excuses.

Another thing that is happening is that he recently relapsed he is an alcoholic in recovery and so am I. His relapse caused him to be financially strapped because of an unstable job market with his business as an artist. He has to pay child support, lives with his brother and sister and law due to his relapse. All of this has caused the every three months visits to not knowing when our next visit with each other will be because of his finances. I feel like if he really loved me he'd go out and get another job and save up money to visit me and put into our relationship. We can't even put a date on our next visit together and this hurts and frustrates me. I want to be with him and feel he is my soul mate (twin flame). Also, this move that I am making from Hawaii to Oregon is very stressing and I feel very lonely that he can't be here to support me like he had planned to prior to the relapse. This makes me feel like what do I do is this worth the wait?? I am frustrated, confused, broken, lonely and not sure if he truly wants this relationship. Please help!

[leonsfangirl]

As for him not moving for 2 years to be with his girls, i fully support him. They are his children. Put yourself in his situation, would you leave your children? It's 2 years! Not a long time at all. I have 2 children and i would do exactly the same thing as him.

Being an ex alcoholic, you should be more sympathetic to his current situation. Im sure he's trying his best to get himself together, as you've said the job market is unstable with his business. He can't change that. To question his love for you over these things is unfair. Why can't you go and visit him?

On the whole i think youre being quite unfair and dare i say selfish. Im sorry if what i've said offends you but i have to be honest.

[Ejoriah]

You are the first parent I've met that said a father might be using his children as "excuses." I have a friend who has a 9 year old son from a previous relationship, and he has made a lot of personal sacrifices in order to remain in his home town to be a part of his child's life... I don't think that wanting to be close to your children, especially if they are not adults yet, is an excuse. I think that you should NOT expect someone to put you in front of their own children... that's why I could never date someone with children, personally. You say "why can't he just be with me and then visit them," that's selfish and flawed logic. It's equally valid to say "why can't he just be with his daughters and then visit you."

There is nothing you have said that has made me think he does not want a relationship. He has other things going on in his life than this relationship - like his children and looking after himself because of his alcohol problem - but just because he's not making you the absolute most priority ever without caring for his wants and needs (and his children's) that doesn't mean he does not want a relationship. He's told you he'll visit you often, and like leonsfangirl said, why don't you visit him? You'll have a job so you could potentially do so.

[Moon]

Oh wow, do you really think you're more important than his kids?? As a mother yourself, you should know better and be glad he's making sure his girls are properly raised first and foremost. I'm kinda shocked, really. Two years is hardly a long time, and you won't even be that far from each other. I'm just....ugh.

[Michelle7]

You do not offend my, I agree I am being selfish and to hear it from some one else helps. I am not perfect but am willing to fix my imperfections. Thank you.

[sarahjane1992]

Oh wow, do you really think you're more important than his kids?? As a mother yourself, you should know better and be glad he's making sure his girls are properly raised first and foremost. I'm kinda shocked, really. Two years is hardly a long time, and you won't even be that far from each other. I'm just....ugh.

I second this. I understand the frustration of wanting to be with a LD boyfriend, but everyone on here shares that frustration! The OP is being pretty selfish. Her BF is trying to be a good father. That's a good quality to have in a person. I'd love to see my BF every month. That would be a blessing! Instead of complaining, she should be grateful. That annoys me too!

[Michelle7]

thank you for all of your honest responses, this why I post this types of questions so I can get outside of myself and receive the advice of others. This LDR stuff is all new to me and I being selfless is something i am working on. Again thank you!

[garnet]

I agree with the others, but also want to say, good for you for not getting defensive, and taking what everyone has to say and listening. It's really nice to see that around here. Kudos to you for coming here for help, and for at least hearing out what everyone has to say.

[LadyDaemon]

I agree with the others, but also want to say, good for you for not getting defensive, and taking what everyone has to say and listening. It's really nice to see that around here. Kudos to you for coming here for help, and for at least hearing out what everyone has to say.

This...

[temporaryuser]

I applaud him for wanting to be there for his girls. This is a very formative time in their lives. They need that father figure to help them develop strong male bonds of their own. You will be much closer (and much cheaper to visit) once youmove. Take things one day at a time. Encourage his actions. he is one of the few men that are doing the right thing

[Chris516]

Oh wow, do you really think you're more important than his kids?? As a mother yourself, you should know better and be glad he's making sure his girls are properly raised first and foremost. I'm kinda shocked, really. Two years is hardly a long time, and you won't even be that far from each other. I'm just....ugh.

I have to agree with this.