My parents don't understand me and my relationship

[lovefromholland]

Hello everyone,

I've been in a long distance relationship with my Swedish girlfriend for more than 4 months. We love each other so much and we obviously want to meet but my parents seem not to agree with that.
My girlfriend and I already discussed everything, what we want to do etc, and how. She would come to me (she's older than me, she's 18, I'm 15), pay everything and stuff. But my parents don't want her in this house because they think I don't know her and because they don't know her, because I haven't seen her in person yet (but we've talked for more than 2 years, so why wouldn't we know each other? :/ My parents don't know anyone from the internet so they don't know it...)
I get really sad and upset by their reaction and there seems no way to change their minds. They keep telling me I have to meet her in person first but she can't sleep in my (their) house.
But that's impossible, she's not going to come here to stay for a few hours, right, if there are options to see each other a week or so? Or am I wrong?
Plus, she doesn't have money to stay at a hotel, neither do I. (And it would be totally unpractical - hotels are like 5-10 km away from here)
Then they offer another option, she could come to Denmark while we are on holidays there, but then she would travel a lot (like.. um, 2x 5 hours?) and probably pay a lot to see me a few hours.
It's totally ridiculous. I understand that my parents needed to get used to the fact that I have a girlfriend living far away from me, but now they're used to it I don't get their point.
Why don't let they just live my life? They know she's a 'normal' person, if you know what I mean, so what's the deal? I know that I'm young but that doesn't mean I can't think maturely about love...
Could somebody please help me? Maybe any tips how to convince them or so? Because I don't know anything anymore........

[PrincessJOE]

I think they basically care a lot for you, for how 'crazy' it may seem
I mean, I know what you feel like, you ve talked a lot with your SO, fell in love and decided to be in a relationship with her despite the distance, which is absolutely ok. But I think your parents (and mine, and many more surely) belong to another 'generation' and its VERY difficult for them to understand how you can fall in love with someone in a not 'traditional' way. Plus you are very young, so they probably try to protect you even more.
Have you tried to ask them about 'meeting' her on webcam? Maybe they would get a more real view of her and 'accept' to let her stay at your place
Or what about going on holiday with your parents in Sweden? So she wouldn't need to move (which means she can keep her money to visit you after your parents are ok with it), you are with them (so they wont worry too much) but at the same time you can spend some time together

I hope it helps, and GOOD LUCK with everything!

[lovefrom2800milesaway]

I definitely know where you're coming from.
I come from an Asian family so I know how tough it is it get them to see from your point of view.
My parents were super unsupportive of my relationship in the beginning as well, especially because we're from two different countries.
It just takes a lot of time and patience. I agree with what PrincessJOE said, our parents are from a totally different generation and don't understand how this whole technology thing works. My parents always used to say, "how do you 'date' someone online when you've never met them? They could be a rapist for all you know!" and other silly things like that. It's just because they care about us and want to protect us so don't get too angry with them. Plus, it might also be because you're still young!

I also agree with what PrincessJOE said about Skyping/webcamming with your girlfriend and your parents together. I did that a couple times with my mom and dad and my boyfriend. It doesn't need to be a 2582958 hour conversation, but just long enough so that they can put a face to her name. Keep doing that whenever you get the chance and they might open up about it a little more.

[Jess!]

I have to say I understand them.. I mean, you are 15 and you have never seen each other. This is even hard for me to understand. Sometimes I think this forum is only for people who met LDR, but a lot of LDR relationships, even on the forum, were before CD which makes things a lot easier.
My boyfriend is Dutch too and my parents met him and they love him, so it's easier to accept a person you already saw! That is very irritating for you, but it so understandable.
Do they have problems with you going there? meeting in Denmark is sort of halfway and that option open by you're parents seems like a green flag. I don't know about the possibilities, but what if you could show her on skype an have together conversations like others have mentioned? Before I met my bf parents we could only see each others on skype and that helped us SO much! So the first time I stayed ar their place I was not a stranger.

Also, could each other parents talk and stuff? That would give them some sense of security...

I would directly tell them: "I understand why you have this reaction. But I do love this girl, so I need to know what is okay for you to me to do, and I will try as best as I can, but please tell me which options would be okay for you". Maybe you can get something out of here

good luck!

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I also understand where your parents are coming from. At 15, you're legally under their guardianship. They get to decide, on your behalf, what happens, because you are still legally a child.

On top of that... I know 15 - 18 age gap doesn't seem that much to you, but at your age, it is substantial. The thing about age gaps is, the older you get, the smaller they are. But 15 to 18, although it's only three years, is substantial when you're 15. Especially as your girlfriend is of legal age and you aren't. I remember being 18, and I remember being 15, and at those two ages I was so different and so prepared for different things that it makes me worry for you about what you're ready for and what she's ready for. This is probably one of the perspectives your parents are coming from.

On the whole "I definitely know her" - you need to be more on your guard about this. Meeting is a whole new can of worms, and some people meet and it's wonderful and some people meet and it's not. I know you think talking online for 2 years means you know each other, but you do need to be prepared for the fact that meeting each other and having an in person relationship isn't a guaranteed success just because you've been online friends for 2 years. You need to protect yourself mentally and emotionally and prepare for the other eventualities as well as the ones you're hoping for.

I know you're desperate to meet, but until you turn 18 and are responsible for yourself, your parents get to have a say. If they don't want her in their house because they don't know her, guess what, they own the house, they can do what they want. If that means that you guys have to save for a while longer so you can afford a hotel for her and a longer stay, that's what you have to do.

I have to say that actually, you're one of the luckier parental involvement stories we've heard here - they're not saying that you can't meet, they're not opposed to the entire relationship full stop. Hold onto that, because that's a good foundation. It shows they're prepared to take your feelings and relationship seriously. But to do that, you have to show you're worth taking seriously by conducting yourself in a mature and level-headed way.

[Chris516]

I am going to take a 'middle of the road' position on this.

At first your parent's position is perfectly understandable. Because, Your 'girlfriend' could be like someone I encountered on the Net, back in the late 1990's. The 'person' sent me a picture of someone who I thought was the love of my life. Even though, the original profile I saw was that they lived in Vladivostok, Russia. I was even trying to think, how I might be able to travel across the continental U.S., Canada, and the state of Alaska. In order to get to 'her'. The first 'red flag' I encountered was, when 'she' started asking me for money to pay for 'her' visa application. That made me a little suspicious. When I started looking at profiles of other women, I started to notice the same picture on several different profiles. Then I did some more investigating. The 'woman' who I thought was the love of my life, did exist alright. But she didn't post her picture. It was a Russian scam artist who was looking for men who were easy 'pigeons' for his scam.

Also, There was a true story in the media in the 1990's, of a man that traveled to Russia to 'find' his bride. He did meet a woman, get married, and they came back to the U.S. to live. At one point, she ends up calling police. Her husband gets' killed in a gun battle with police, then she says in the media that soon after they came back to the U.S., he started being abusive. Well, Her statement was given credence without being checked out, despite her husband being dead.

In terms of your parent's point-of-view, the point is this, to be wary of people you think you know. Because implicit trust is not always a good thing, unless you really know the person.

Now, In your favor-

The supposed fact, that she is 18, and you are 15, could potentially work in your favor. Since, You being younger, you won't be perceived by her parents' as, being up to something nefarious, deceptive, and potentially criminal.

You should let your parents' talk to her parents'. That might help ease their concerns.

[Tooki]

Chris, his girlfriend is not a Russian scam artist. Those stories are extreme and this is the 21st century. We have skype and other online video resources that can confirm one's identity. The girl isn't asking for money or anything either.

Sadly, your parents have a duty of care because you're a minor. They also have a lot of control over you (that may appear to be unfair, but they only want to take care of you).

The good news is that they're open to the relationship. I concur with what the others have said about getting your parents to skype with your GF. Once your parents can put a face and voice to your GF, she won't be 'some random Swedish girl) anymore. It may also open up discussion towards a visit/visits in the future.

[lovefromholland]

Thanks for all the replies!
It helps me a lot. My parents are from a different generation so yeah, it will take some time. I think I have to understand that...
Maybe I can write a letter to my parents in which I explain my feelings and everything so I don't have to argue with them.
But yeah it would still suck if we can't meet this year

Indeed, that's extreme and she's not Russian...
They do trust her, that's not the point, they just want it to go in they way they think it should be. I've already showed them pictures of her and I talk a lot about her so yeah...

Going on holidays with my parents to Sweden isn't an option by the way, I've asked them before if that was a good idea but they said no, because they said the holidays to Denmark are expensive and I guess they just don't want to because they think it's a lot to travel (and they don't want to go by plane or something)

But okay, I will just give them time and space, be quiet, give them the 'letter' and maybe ask them if they want to talk to her parents or maybe talk to her (I don't know if my and her parents want it or if she wants it, she's really shy to strangers so I don't think she will but at least I can ask them and her! )

[princessmaria]

I met my SO when I still lived with my mother. She demanded that she meet him before she let him in her house, which is something that I respected. Maybe you can compromise with them by asking if you all can go to lunch and have a sit down to get to know her better. I understand her being shy but if you guys really want this to work, you're going to have to meet somewhere in the middle for your parents.

Good luck and well wishes!

[Swederica]

As a Swedish person with several dutch friends, I'm rooting for you. I think the others will give you better advice though.

Chris, his girlfriend is not a Russian scam artist. Those stories are extreme and this is the 21st century. We have skype and other online video resources that can confirm one's identity. The girl isn't asking for money or anything either.

Sadly, your parents have a duty of care because you're a minor. They also have a lot of control over you (that may appear to be unfair, but they only want to take care of you).

The good news is that they're open to the relationship. I concur with what the others have said about getting your parents to skype with your GF. Once your parents can put a face and voice to your GF, she won't be 'some random Swedish girl) anymore. It may also open up discussion towards a visit/visits in the future.

I think his point was that this is what his parents could be thinking. Not necessarily what Chris is warning him that she could be, more what his parents think she could be.

[Ejoriah]

I agree that your parents are just looking out for you. I know you said that her staying in a hotel would not be "practical" because it would be 5-10km away, but I think this is an avenue you should try pursuing. That way, you can meet her, your parents can meet her, and since they would have met her they might allow her to stay in your home. It might not be an ideal first meeting but it could be what you need so your parents are reassured and accept your relationship.

[lovefromholland]

Last week I've given them the 'letter' I wrote, in which I explain everything and how I feel, but it didn't help or something. We had a discussion again...
They don't take my relationship seriously, because it's over the internet. -.- They don't understand that relationships can actually work out like this, even at my age.

My mom said she would have to keep an eye on us if she'd be here because she's afraid we're going to have sex. That sounded so ridiculous to me! :/
I'm not going to have sex the first time I meet her and if I only wanted to have sex I would just look for a girl in my area, right?

So.. I'm sick of it, it hurts but I think there's no way to make them clear how I think and feel about it. They are probably trying to protect me or something but in my opinion they are overprotective about this. Maybe I have to deal with it.
Oh well, I will just say things about it once in a while and maybe they will be less strict when they see we're still together in a few months.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

My mom said she would have to keep an eye on us if she'd be here because she's afraid we're going to have sex. That sounded so ridiculous to me! :/
I'm not going to have sex the first time I meet her and if I only wanted to have sex I would just look for a girl in my area, right?

So.. I'm sick of it, it hurts but I think there's no way to make them clear how I think and feel about it. They are probably trying to protect me or something but in my opinion they are overprotective about this. Maybe I have to deal with it.

They're not being overprotective, they're trying to be responsible because she's legally an adult, and you're not. The problem with this means that your SO could potentially get in legal trouble for having a romantic relationship with you.

And the sex thing - you might think it's ridiculous, but it's not. By 18, she's probably a lot more sexually mature than you are, and she might not bat an eyelid at it. We don't know, your parents don't know, and your parents are trying to prevent you from making decisions that you may not be mentally and emotionally ready to make. Whereas, with the age difference, your SO might be. There's an imbalance of power in your relationship just because she's older, and your parents are trying to protect you from that power being manipulated.