I can't let go of something that never started

[Stephanie123]

Two months ago, I met my other half. I never expected it to happen the way it did and it was the last place I would want to meet someone! My girls and I were in Vegas and we crashed a bachelor party from Toronto. I talked to the first guy I saw who was a tall, handsome, gentleman and we hit it off instantly. I had never felt instant chemistry with someone like that before. I was glad he was from another country (I'm from California) because I could just have fun with him without any worries because I'd never see him again! However, I felt such a connection with him by the second night that it was undeniable that we had something going on. He looked at me like I was the only girl in the world and he made me feel so safe and cared for. He barely knew me but he thought I was the most amazing girl he'd ever met. He asked if we could keep in touch and I said yes, though in my gut I knew this probably would not happen. I was elated that I had met him and he said that I made his weekend. We both went back to our respective towns but we never stopped keeping in touch. He kept messaging me even as he boarded the plane and when he went back to work. I knew that I shouldn't start anything with him because the distance was not something we could change. But it was so refreshing and easy talking to him. I felt like he was my soul mate and I started to really picture a future together.

Two weeks into talking throughout the day, he said something to me for the first time. "I hope we keep in touch, regardless of what happens. I hope we can stay friends". It took me aback because I thought we were keeping in touch. But he said that he was not naive to the fact that we live on opposite sides of the continent and that we shouldn't set up expectations and false hope because we might end up getting hurt. I appreciated his honesty and I agreed that even though we had feelings for each other that we should take some time to evaluate things. He's 30 and I'm 24 but we are very similar in maturity levels and have many core values in common. So a week passed by and I started to feel sad that I possibly let a good guy slip through my fingers. I emailed him a quick email saying how I appreciated his honesty and for being emotionally responsible and if we could start over as friends. He replied instantly and thanked me for the email and said that he had been holding back from talking to me because he thought we needed time to sort things out. We picked up where we left off but this time with some ground rules like no flirting, or winkys, smilies, etc. And to not talk so often (a rule that later comes back to haunt me). We kept this up for a few weeks until it sort of slipped into tricky territory again and we had another discussion about our options. This time he was firm on the fact that we could only expect friendship and nothing else. I tried to let him know that I was willing to try to make something work, but he still said we could not set up those expectations. I told him he had to stop being so nice and attentive to me then, and to ignore me once in a while. I told him, "tell me something to make me hate you" and he responded, "I live in Canada, now you tell me something to make me hate you." and I said "I live in California".

We kept in touch a few days a week after that talk but he started to initiate conversation less even though he was just as responsive when I would initiate. A few weeks ago, our last conversation about what our options were came up again when I told him he didn't need to try and talk to me less (we agreed to talk less frequently to avoid attachment). This was because every time he sent me something he followed with, "I was trying to ignore you, but.." Again, he said the only option was a black and white friendship and that he had to take all emotions out of it. I countered that by saying we didn't have to have a black and white friendship, and that we didn't need to have all these rules and boundaries. He said he needed all of those things if he were to keep me as a friend. He asked me "hypothetically, if I were to get into a relationship two months from now, how would you feel?" I responded that I would be happy for him and that I would hope he would do the same for me. He agreed but was still hesitant and asked if we had any other options. I finally compromised and said that we could be strictly friends but not have any more rules. The lines were still pretty blurry after that and we spoke a few more times before the holiday weekend when he stopped talking to me. I thought everything was fine because our last conversation wasn't anything critical. It was light hearted and fun and we just told each other to enjoy our weekends. I haven't heard from him in almost two weeks and I've been getting worse and worse every day. I want him to reach out to me but part of me feels like he's trying not to. I don't know if I should reach out to him yet. My gut tells me I should really think of him as a friend before I talk to him again so I won't get hurt, but I don't know if I'll ever truly see him as just a friend. And vice versa.

I understand why he would be hesitant to start a relationship with a younger, pretty girl half way across the country when he doesn't know what my true feelings are. I want to get to know him as a friend before we pursue anything also, but in order for us to do that we need to make time for each other. It's so hard because we are both busy with our respective lives that we can't make that investment yet. It's a catch 22 for us. I was wondering if anyone else has started a LDR this way and if it has ever worked out. I know in my heart of hearts how I feel about him but all these obstacles in the way are trying to tell me otherwise.

Update: the following exchange was a conversation we had a month in. I will always remember his words because at that moment, I really fell for him. I was being stubborn, but he said all the right things

Him: you know your standards... and if you meet a guy that exceeds your current standards for men then you owe it to yourself to do so

Me:yeah.. i think I did myself justice this one time..
it was the best "mistake" i ever made

Him: HAHAhaha thats one way to look at it!
i think your standards are pretty high though (deservingly)... and if you find a guy that exceeds it go for it! but does a guy like that exist? i dunno... pretty rare...
brad pitt is already taken...

Me: lol brad pitt?!
you forget what he did to jen aniston!
neverrrr

Him: haha i thought that was before your time
good looking dude tho


Me: sure, but looks fade


Him: yeah... but then they will have good looking kids
and thats important too
omg that sounded old
im gonna stop talking


Me: haha i get what you're saying..
but i've never been too focused on looks
i hope i don't come off that way

Him:really? physical attraction is the first thing that gets anyone a chance
how can you gauge someone by their "personality" without even talking to them?
unless u talk to everyone in the room in the room and then make an assessment

Me: yes, very very true. i guess i'm trying to say i don't have a "type' that i seek out
that's very shallow and limits your opportunities to get to know different people
i def know a few ppl like that
and i know i'd hate to be judged by how i look so i wouldn't want to write someone off like that

Him: yeah i know some people like that too
and you dont have to worry about the looks department

Me: well beauty is in the eye of the beholder..
but thanks lol

Him: its shallow but true, most people wont give someone a chance unless they pass the "looks" test first... which i think makes sense

Me: lol so i passed with flying colors i guess??

Him: when looking for something serious you should never deny yourself a chance to get a "perfect" partner, and if you are not starting with the "perfect looking guy" then you are already doing yourself a disservice...

Me: i'd have to disagree..
yes, it's nice to have that spark and chemistry, but that can only take you so far..

Him:yes. but why cant you get a guy that your physically attracted to off the bat AND he has a great personality AND you guys had the spark and chemistry?

Me: but like you said, that's rare!

Him: its not impossible
yes but theres a chance he will be ur life partner... which should be rare
you need the guy that you know you will never find better than

[bilel]

Your story title was my reason to never give up until we meet ...

I recently said the same words to her after 10 monthes !

Follow your heart. Don't hesitate... check-in ! Ask him how is he doing ?

try to plan to date him if you can have holidays.

Silence is not the answer.

[Stephanie123]

Thank you for the encouragement! That made me feel a little better and now I have a little more hope

[bilel]

As I see, you didn't had troubles... so yes ! don't miss your chance

[temporaryuser]

has he said that he isnt seeing anyone where he lives? I would hope that isnt his reasoning for only wanting to be friends.
If he isnt seeing anyone else, then keep it light. Send him a message just to xcheck in and see how he is doing and take it from there. If you are both able to travel, then you can plan visits either to see each other, or to meet someplace. There is no need to jump head first into a romantic relationship, when you can talk and get to know each other. There is plenty of time for the rest to fall into place.

[snow]

You said he is older than you - may I ask how old you two are?

To me it sounds like he is trying not to get too attached, because he fears it might not work out and I totally get his feelings towards it: a long distance relationship is tough, time and money consuming and something both partners have to work on each and every single day, but - and most of the other members here will agree - it is worth it.

You obviously have feelings for each other, but seem to be scared. You have to find out for yourself if this is something you want to take a risk for or not. Is he the man you want to have in your life? Is he the one you want to be with? Then risk it!

[Stephanie123]

You said he is older than you - may I ask how old you two are?

To me it sounds like he is trying not to get too attached, because he fears it might not work out and I totally get his feelings towards it: a long distance relationship is tough, time and money consuming and something both partners have to work on each and every single day, but - and most of the other members here will agree - it is worth it.

You obviously have feelings for each other, but seem to be scared. You have to find out for yourself if this is something you want to take a risk for or not. Is he the man you want to have in your life? Is he the one you want to be with? Then risk it!

Yes, I mentioned that I am 24 and he is 30. We both have very good jobs and have the means to visit each other frequently. His job allows him to travel to the states and I have family in Canada as well. Before when things were more optimistic, we discussed visiting each other but I think he is hesitant now because he knows that seeing me might make it harder for him to control his emotions. We have mentioned before how scared we are of getting hurt. But at this point I am hurting more not knowing what could have been. I think I will reach out in a few days once I calm down a little. I've been having highs and lows thinking about our situation and I don't think I will be ok unless I at least talk to him one more time. If he says that he can't do it, then I'll have my answer and move on. But if he still feels strongly about me, then I'm willing to risk it!

[marbear31]

There is something special between you two. I think the way you met is very sweet, and you can't ignore instant chemistry. It's almost as if the universe is telling you you need to be together, you know?

Your story struck a chord in me because the emotions involved seem so similar to how my SO and I started out. I met him a month before he was scheduled to go traveling to Bali for an unspecified amount of time. I knew the circumstances weren't perfect, but there was something about him I couldn't ignore. Heck, I thought I was in love with another man when I met him! But when you meet that special someone, you just click. (He ended up coming back after 12 days of traveling because he missed me so much, so that turned out well enough. ) In your circumstance, it sounds like your man knows he has strong feelings, but is afraid to admit it to himself. His language smacks of denial: "emotions can't be involved," "I was trying to ignore you, but," etc. He wants you, but he won't allow himself to have you. I think you're doing great connecting on a friendship level, but if you want something to go somewhere, you're going to have to put yourself out there.

The key with this is subtlety. You don't want to overload him with emotions because he might hit his internal reject button and decide he can't deal with the true intensity of his feelings. I have no doubt he feels immensely for you, but he hasn't justified to himself yet that giving into his feelings is worth the immediate pain of separation (and understandably so, because you two have only met in person two days). I think his silence is occurring because he's stepping back and weighing the pros and cons of the situation--is the pain of distance worth being with someone he's met in person once for under 48 hours? Is it worth the sacrifice of the convenience of potential physicality?

I think you need to gently remind him of what a great catch you are! You've given him two weeks of silence--granted, some people need more time than others--but I think you should send him something lighthearted with just a hint of suggestivity that makes him remember that magnet attraction you two shared in Vegas! Maybe send him a cute picture or something. Was there anything you two did that weekend, like an activity or a particular food you ate, that would remind him playfully of your connection? You could send him a picture (or text, if you have his number) of something that revolves around that memory (say if you ate pizza together, you order one and take a picture of yourself doing a goofy pose next to it with something like, "Remember this? Found myself craving pepperoni and thinking of you. Miss you and hope you're well!") since men are visual creatures and that will trigger more visceral emotions than just a quick, "Hey, what's up?" text.

The one thing that throws me for a loop is how he mentioned "if I were to get into a relationship in two months, how would you feel?" I'm not sure if he could be referring to someone else in the picture back home--that would explain his hesitation more than anything--but I'm thinking he was scoping out your feelings and your response of, "I would be happy for you" might have made him think you were buying into this friendship dance you two have been playing back and forth with. Of course, it's great that you showed him you're not high maintenance, but I think the time has come, after you send him this one last "message," to show your vulnerability.

Sounds scary, right? Thing is, vulnerability is what moves people. Showing your true feelings and true colors is the only way you two will ever get together, and because of his fear, you might have to be the one to do a little prodding.

I'd see if he'd be willing to video chat and then you can tell him how you feel. I feel very strongly about this potential, and I wish you the best of luck!

[Stephanie123]

marbear31 thank you so much for taking time to respond. You hit the nail on the head about my situation and you've eased my anxiety quite a bit! I was planning on sending him a short email with some links to funny things I found. I won't expect a response but if he does, then I will take things slowly again. I've been prepping myself to do this and I know it takes a lot of courage and vulnerability on my part. I'm sure he feels the same way and that's why he isn't being as proactive as he was before. The caveat that you mentioned about "if he were to get into a relationship with someone else" is a concern of mine as well. In the very beginning he's told me that he's only had two long term relationships and that the last one ended 6 months ago. He was very honest with me that he wasn't sure his feelings were all gone for his last ex because they were together for so long, but he wasn't going to push for anything to happen. It is a bit of an insecurity for me because I tend to end up with guys who recently got out of relationships and it has never gone well. But so far, he hasn't given me reason to distrust him.

This period of silence has sent me up the wall and back again. During the first two months I felt like I was floating on a cloud and everyone could see how glowing I was. And now people can see that my face has sunken in and I just don't have the same air about me as before. All because of two weeks of not talking to him. I thought that my feelings would fade, but the opposite has occurred and now I realize how much he means to me. Thank you again for sharing your input

[marbear31]

marbear31 thank you so much for taking time to respond. You hit the nail on the head about my situation and you've eased my anxiety quite a bit! I was planning on sending him a short email with some links to funny things I found. I won't expect a response but if he does, then I will take things slowly again. I've been prepping myself to do this and I know it takes a lot of courage and vulnerability on my part. I'm sure he feels the same way and that's why he isn't being as proactive as he was before. The caveat that you mentioned about "if he were to get into a relationship with someone else" is a concern of mine as well. In the very beginning he's told me that he's only had two long term relationships and that the last one ended 6 months ago. He was very honest with me that he wasn't sure his feelings were all gone for his last ex because they were together for so long, but he wasn't going to push for anything to happen. It is a bit of an insecurity for me because I tend to end up with guys who recently got out of relationships and it has never gone well. But so far, he hasn't given me reason to distrust him.

This period of silence has sent me up the wall and back again. During the first two months I felt like I was floating on a cloud and everyone could see how glowing I was. And now people can see that my face has sunken in and I just don't have the same air about me as before. All because of two weeks of not talking to him. I thought that my feelings would fade, but the opposite has occurred and now I realize how much he means to me. Thank you again for sharing your input

Hey girl, anytime! Your story just really touched my heart because I went through that period of "silence" with my SO when we were considering going long distance after I left Ireland (I met him on my fifth day studying abroad there). He told me he stopped talking to me for a few days because he needed to sort out his feelings and just needed time to think, so that's what made me make that association with your situation. (And, in my experience with guy friends, that's what occurred when they would talk about their relationships as well when they were "silent.")

I think that's a great idea about the links! Just definitely include a hint of feelings in there--I'd put my money on him needing that little reminder of your awesomeness. I really, really hope this works out for you, and let me know what happens!! You can PM me if you want to chat more at all.

Ah, aren't all the beginnings of love stories somewhat tumultuous? No pain, no gain, right?

P.S. From your conversation, he definitely has feelings for you. I'd say he wants you to hint the same.

[redapple]

Realistically I don't think you want to be friends with this guy. I think any friendship you underake or are trying to have is heavily laden with the want for it to become more and you can't maintain a friendship like this forever as you will only get upset and emotionally hurt by it. I know it's a big scary thing going into a long distance relationship but if I'm right and a friendship between you two is only a cover for you wanting it to become more then you don't have much to lose in my eyes. You either need to see if he's willing to go down that road, in which case it can stay as a friendship whilst you get to know each other better, you don't need to label things immediately IMO, but you need to both be honest that the end game is to be in a relationship and what the rules are in terms of other people, arranging visits or whatever. OR if he doesn't want to try this route then you should think hard about cutting contact, a friendship for you with this guy will be hard and a constant circle of 'maybe one day'... And that cuts you off from meeting other people who do want to try a relationship with you. So id tell him that you see more than friendship between you two and see where it goes from there! Good luck!

[Stephanie123]

redapple, you're right. I definitely want something more, but I also want to build a strong friendship with him. But under the guise of a friendship, that leaves a lot of open doors for both of us and that could lead to paranoia on both ends. I'm not sure how to bring this up yet, but I think I'll start by initiating contact again and see where it goes from there. Thanks for your feedback!