Abusive Relationships

[princessmaria]

In my short time browsing through this forum I've noticed a lot of people asking for advice. I feel like the amount of people asking for advice that show signs of being in an abusive relationship are too many, so I felt the need to highlight certain things that can be considered abusive in an LDR.

First of all, yes it's very possible to be in an abusive LDR. Whether or not you and your SO have ever met in person, or have even began to communicate verbally, it can still be considered an abusive relationship.

There are many "staple" and standard elements to any abusive relationship, but it may be harder to identify those in an LDR due to its unique circumstances. Before you can begin to identify the signs of an abusive LDR you need to have knowledge of what makes a relationship abusive in the first place. Here's a generous list of warning signs to look out for from a potentially abusive partner.

A vast majority of people are in abusive relationships without realizing it until things have hit rock bottom. I know from experience that it is extremely easy to convince yourself that something is "fixable" or that "things will get better". What's worse is that an abusive partner will often lead you to believe that it is your sole responsibility to make things better. Abusive partners will often accuse you of being at fault, or become angry when you confront them for their own faults. In response, you end up feeling guilty or incompetent which can lead to depression, self loathing, co-dependency, and mental instability.

Abusive partners will hardly ever be forthright in their abuse. Instead they tend to be very cunning and manipulative, using just the right amount of love and coercion to get you to do their biddings. I've been in an abusive LDR before and I know exactly what it's like to feel like everything is your fault, or to feel such an overwhelming love for another person that you're willing to do or take anything from them.

Never allow your partner to:

• Make you feel bad for spending time outside of them, e.g hanging out with friends or family
• Make you feel as if you have to devote an excessive amount of time to them in order to perserve the relationship
• Attack you for asking for compromises within the relationship
• Allow them to pressure you to make a sudden or drastic change in your life that benefits them, e.g moving away from home when you aren't comfortable with the idea yet
• Make you feel like being ignored by them is okay under any circumstances
• Pressure you into sending them money or gifts as a sign of love or devotion
• Pressure you into sexual acts via webcam or over the phone as a sign of love or devotion

I think it's very important for some of us to realize that it's still very possible to be in an abusive relationship even though you and your partner may live several thousand miles apart. This is a really interesting video that can explain why LDR's in general tend to be more complex, emotionally intense relationships. Our community is a lot more vulnerable to abusive relationships, so please be on the look out for signs!

If any of you have your own abusive relationship stories, LDR or not, to add to the thread please do so. I think it would really help to have a support thread or archive so that we can lower the number of people suffering from abuse within our community.

[emsimes]

One of my best friends is in an abusive relationship, although it is not a LDR. In my mind, her boyfriend is a truly evil man. He doesn't want her to talk to any men, let alone have any friends. He has hit her in the past, pulled her hair, and left bruises on her body. He said that he would kill her if he found out she was with another man.

I have actually met this guy before, and it's so easy to tell that he is a controlling, manipulative asshole. I keep telling my friend to get out of this relationship ASAP before it gets any worse, but she won't listen to anyone. She always has excuses for his behavior, saying that he is under a lot of stress with his company, etc. After he hit her, I told her she should go to the police. She said no because she didn't want him to go to prison since he has children.
My response was, "What about your children? What about yourself? You can't let this go on anymore. He could really hurt you one day."

Despite all this, she still stays with him. I've realized that I can't keep pushing her like this. She needs to figure it out for herself and end this relationship. I just wish I could do more for her, because I really believe she will end up in a horrible situation one day
If anyone has any ideas or thoughts, please feel free to share them with me!

[princessmaria]

Abuse Checklist

Humiliation, degradation, discounting, negating. judging, criticizing:
Does anyone make fun of you or put you down in front of others?
Do they tease you, use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you?
When you complain do they say that “it was just a joke” and that you are too sensitive?
Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings are “wrong?”
Does anyone regularly ridicule, dismiss, disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?


Domination, control, and shame:
Do you feel that the person treats you like a child?
Do they constantly correct or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate?”
Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even small decisions?
Do they control your spending?
Do they treat you as though you are inferior to them?
Do they make you feel as though they are always right?
Do they remind you of your shortcomings?
Do they belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, your plans or even who you are?
Do they give disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior?


Accusing and blaming, trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations, denies own shortcomings:
Do they accuse you of something contrived in their own minds when you know it isn’t true?
Are they unable to laugh at themselves?
Are they extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of them or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
Do they have trouble apologizing?
Do they make excuses for their behavior or tend to blame others or circumstances for their mistakes?
Do they call you names or label you?
Do they blame you for their problems or unhappiness?
Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?


Emotional distancing and the “silent treatment,” isolation, emotional abandonment or neglect:
Do they use pouting, withdrawal or withholding attention or affection?
Do they not want to meet the basic needs or use neglect or abandonment as punishment?
Do they play the victim to deflect blame onto you instead of taking responsibility for their actions and attitudes?
Do they not notice or care how you feel?
Do they not show empathy or ask questions to gather information?


Codependence and enmeshment:
Does anyone treat you not as a separate person but instead as an extension of themselves?
Do they not protect your personal boundaries and share information that you have not approved?
Do they disrespect your requests and do what they think is best for you?
Do they require continual contact and haven’t developed a healthy support network among their own peers?

[princessmaria]

One of my best friends is in an abusive relationship, although it is not a LDR. In my mind, her boyfriend is a truly evil man. He doesn't want her to talk to any men, let alone have any friends. He has hit her in the past, pulled her hair, and left bruises on her body. He said that he would kill her if he found out she was with another man.

I have actually met this guy before, and it's so easy to tell that he is a controlling, manipulative asshole. I keep telling my friend to get out of this relationship ASAP before it gets any worse, but she won't listen to anyone. She always has excuses for his behavior, saying that he is under a lot of stress with his company, etc. After he hit her, I told her she should go to the police. She said no because she didn't want him to go to prison since he has children.
My response was, "What about your children? What about yourself? You can't let this go on anymore. He could really hurt you one day."

Despite all this, she still stays with him. I've realized that I can't keep pushing her like this. She needs to figure it out for herself and end this relationship. I just wish I could do more for her, because I really believe she will end up in a horrible situation one day
If anyone has any ideas or thoughts, please feel free to share them with me!

I think you should try really sitting down and talking to her. Let her know that she has your support, or if she has a family members support that's even better. She may be scared to leave the relationship, especially if this man provides stability for her financially or in other areas of her life. He could also be threatening to hurt her if she leaves him, and this could also make her fearful. I wouldn't suggest calling the cops on him to her because she's most likely not even close to ready for that yet. Right now, she still loves him and is clearly willing to go through a lot because of that. Anyone who poses as a threat to him and his safety (such as getting him put in jail or even suggesting that he go to jail for hitting her) is going to make her even less comfortable with opening up to others about the issue because she wants to protect him.

I think all you can do for now is offer her a refuge in case things get really really bad. Make sure she knows she can go to you instead of just telling her to call the cops. It's really difficult to tell someone to call the cops on someone that they love. If you feel that the cops need to be called, it might be best for you to call the cops on him yourself next time. Sometimes people in abusive relationships need someone to slap them out of it or make crucial decisions for them because they aren't strong enough, or are to scared to do it themselves (even when they most likely really want to). I hope the best for your friend. Abusive relationships can be like a giant black hole and keep sucking you in, leaving no way out.

[emsimes]

I think you should try really sitting down and talking to her. Let her know that she has your support, or if she has a family members support that's even better. She may be scared to leave the relationship, especially if this man provides stability for her financially or in other areas of her life. He could also be threatening to hurt her if she leaves him, and this could also make her fearful. I wouldn't suggest calling the cops on him to her because she's most likely not even close to ready for that yet. Right now, she still loves him and is clearly willing to go through a lot because of that. Anyone who poses as a threat to him and his safety (such as getting him put in jail or even suggesting that he go to jail for hitting her) is going to make her even less comfortable with opening up to others about the issue because she wants to protect him.

I think all you can do for now is offer her a refuge in case things get really really bad. Make sure she knows she can go to you instead of just telling her to call the cops. It's really difficult to tell someone to call the cops on someone that they love. If you feel that the cops need to be called, it might be best for you to call the cops on him yourself next time. Sometimes people in abusive relationships need someone to slap them out of it or make crucial decisions for them because they aren't strong enough, or are to scared to do it themselves (even when they most likely really want to). I hope the best for your friend. Abusive relationships can be like a giant black hole and keep sucking you in, leaving no way out.

I think that's definitely a good idea. She knows that she can come to me for everything, but I will just reassure her that I can try to help in any way possible. Her family knows about this, too, but she won't listen to them, either. I guess this is the best thing I can do for her right now.

[Ahava]

I think this is a good idea for a thread. I have lots of experiences of such behaviour (my ex and also a close family member).

[Malaga]

A good idea for a thread, well done. I agree there is often a pattern of abuse in people's stories here. Another pattern is plain old douchebaggery. Without wanting to be condescending, sometimes there's no better word to describe it. I don't think all douchebags are necessarily abusers, and I don't think all abusers start as douchebags, but I do think that in many cases an idiot will progress into an abuser if their behaviour remains unchecked.

I've been in a toxic and abusive relationship myself and I know it can truly happen to anyone, no matter how educated about it you are or how strong you think you are. I'm not trying to suggest victims are responsible in any way for the abuse. I just have an issue with the go-to advice for relationship issues being communication, which is fine except it only works when both sides are open to it. And compromise only works when both sides are willing to understand each other. Not everything can or should be solved through patient dialogue - sometimes trying to do so actually sets you off on the path to be abused. Sometimes you just have to put your foot down and demand from your asshat SO to get their shit together, no ifs and buts, then cut them loose if they don't. Just because the way they're treating you may not be abuse (yet) technically speaking, doesn't mean you should stand for it in any way.

[summerkid]

another good things is suggesting a therapist. maybe a center for abused women can offer her the services of one for free, or at reduced cost. It doesn't matter if she thinks she doesn't need one.. it can be just as a try at first, but it might help her realise the kind of situation she is in and help her break free mentally from his control ( because I think that is one of the most importannt steps in cases like this). A friend was in a very abusive relationship, and the therapist she started seeing made a huge difference for her and really helped her say not only say goodbye to him, but also manage the separation process so that it doesn't get too extreme.

[Bluejay Belle]

Thank you for this thread. My ex, whom I met online and maintained an LDR with, was textbook abusive.

I can't add more at the moment, but thank you again.

[princessmaria]

A good idea for a thread, well done. I agree there is often a pattern of abuse in people's stories here. Another pattern is plain old douchebaggery. Without wanting to be condescending, sometimes there's no better word to describe it. I don't think all douchebags are necessarily abusers, and I don't think all abusers start as douchebags, but I do think that in many cases an idiot will progress into an abuser if their behaviour remains unchecked.

I've been in a toxic and abusive relationship myself and I know it can truly happen to anyone, no matter how educated about it you are or how strong you think you are. I'm not trying to suggest victims are responsible in any way for the abuse. I just have an issue with the go-to advice for relationship issues being communication, which is fine except it only works when both sides are open to it. And compromise only works when both sides are willing to understand each other. Not everything can or should be solved through patient dialogue - sometimes trying to do so actually sets you off on the path to be abused. Sometimes you just have to put your foot down and demand from your asshat SO to get their shit together, no ifs and buts, then cut them loose if they don't. Just because the way they're treating you may not be abuse (yet) technically speaking, doesn't mean you should stand for it in any way.

I totally agree with this. You have to demand respect in a relationship. Without mutual respect there is no mutual love and I think that's something a lot of people tend to overlook.

[Swederica]

One of my best friends is in an abusive relationship, although it is not a LDR. In my mind, her boyfriend is a truly evil man. He doesn't want her to talk to any men, let alone have any friends. He has hit her in the past, pulled her hair, and left bruises on her body. He said that he would kill her if he found out she was with another man.

I have actually met this guy before, and it's so easy to tell that he is a controlling, manipulative asshole. I keep telling my friend to get out of this relationship ASAP before it gets any worse, but she won't listen to anyone. She always has excuses for his behavior, saying that he is under a lot of stress with his company, etc. After he hit her, I told her she should go to the police. She said no because she didn't want him to go to prison since he has children.
My response was, "What about your children? What about yourself? You can't let this go on anymore. He could really hurt you one day."

Despite all this, she still stays with him. I've realized that I can't keep pushing her like this. She needs to figure it out for herself and end this relationship. I just wish I could do more for her, because I really believe she will end up in a horrible situation one day
If anyone has any ideas or thoughts, please feel free to share them with me!

Could partially also be out of fear. She could be afraid of his wrath so the status quo is the most comfortable for her.
By the sounds of it, someone should really just go over and kick his ass. I get a certain scene from The Walking Dead in my head

[Ejoriah]

Thanks for posting this. We recently went over partner abuse in my sociology class and I toyed with the idea of bringing up the checklist you posted in some threads in here. It breaks my heart to see people who are scared of bringing up issues with their partners, or who really believe that it's alright for them to be treated poorly, to be controlled, to be told what to do, to always be at fault...

My first CD relationship was both physically and mentally abusive. I was hit when I "dared" to talk back, got punched in the back for walking away from an argument... and to the emotional, told that I would see him "whether I like it or not" and also that I was lucky he was with me because no one else would want me. I was 15 then and completely oblivious to the fact that I deserved to be treated better.

My next relationship was LDR and no better, he would withhold communication, tell me it was all my fault that I was upset because I was asking for too much, he was "entitled" to game after his work and a lot more. I wish someone could have told me that it was OK for my needs to be listened to and discussed calmly, too!

[Filly]

My first CD relationship was both physically and mentally abusive. I was hit when I "dared" to talk back, got punched in the back for walking away from an argument... and to the emotional, told that I would see him "whether I like it or not" and also that I was lucky he was with me because no one else would want me. I was 15 then and completely oblivious to the fact that I deserved to be treated better.

Me too, only that I was 17. He almost strangled me to death and that's when I told my family what was happening and they intervened. To this day he wants to be friends on facebook. LOL like that's ever gonna happen.

This is a great thread. I know to stay away from abusive relationships and as soon as I start seeing the signs I am O-U-T. We have to always be on the guard for emotional abuse, always because its so subtle.

[Benni]

Excellent thread! I was in an abusive marriage -- all forms of abuse -- for 18 years and I literally had to run away to save myself. It took me almost 15 years to start trusting men again. The LDR I was in, for a year, came to an end almost a month ago due to his first signs of emotional abuse. I did not let him keep it up -- I ended it. See, I have learned from the past and hope that anyone else going through abuse will do so, too. Get help, get OUT!

[LadyDaemon]

Thank you for posting this as a thread. It's a very good idea. I've noticed the same thing coming from some of the posters here on the forum and I feel sorry for some of those that I've seen that continue to stay even when they have a whole community trying to tell them they should get out.

I also went through an abusive relationship with someone when I was only 15 and it was CD. Though it didn't last long,it escalated quickly. Everything was fine for the first month he was with me but then it began soon after. He slapped me,called me names occasionally,tried to trap me in my parents bedroom,threw things at me one time when he was staying with my dad in his apartment and I went to spend the weekend with them. He would repeatedly on many occasions tell me that he was cheating on me with other girls or that he was going to leave me. Not long after I broke up with him and he tried to get me back but I refused him and never spoke to him again after that. I told him he couldn't be honest and he couldn't refrain from calling me names or hitting me and I wasn't going to allow it. There is always help to be found and ways to get out,so if you ever find yourself in that situation,utilize them and do so.