Abusive Relationships

[emsimes]

Could partially also be out of fear. She could be afraid of his wrath so the status quo is the most comfortable for her.
By the sounds of it, someone should really just go over and kick his ass. I get a certain scene from The Walking Dead in my head

If only I could find someone to do that! Unfortunately, he's a pretty strong and big guy

[aniay]

If I can just add my two cents.

Abusive relatinship doesn't HAVE TO mean physical abuse. Mental abuse is as bad.

-being called an idiot
-health issues being ignored because you are 'imagining it'
-coercing sex
-being blamed for SO treating you badly
-being reminded that your SO is not afterall punching you so you should be happy
-your emotions and feelings being called 'wrong'
-different set of rules being applied to you and your SO
-being downgraded in front of others
-being told to do something OR ELSE
-being yelled at for what others said about you
-being told you are ugly
-being told you are wrong the way you are and that you should change or they'll leave you.

That's all UNACCEPTABLE!

Also... thank you for creating this thread, I wish I knew this all earlier. I also think it would be good to make it sticky.

[SquishyLove]

If I can just add my two cents.

Abusive relatinship doesn't HAVE TO mean physical abuse. Mental abuse is as bad.

-being called an idiot
-health issues being ignored because you are 'imagining it'
-coercing sex
-being blamed for SO treating you badly
-being reminded that your SO is not afterall punching you so you should be happy
-your emotions and feelings being called 'wrong'
-different set of rules being applied to you and your SO
-being downgraded in front of others
-being told to do something OR ELSE
-being yelled at for what others said about you
-being told you are ugly
-being told you are wrong the way you are and that you should change or they'll leave you.

That's all UNACCEPTABLE!

Also... thank you for creating this thread, I wish I knew this all earlier. I also think it would be good to make it sticky.

Yes, emotional/verbal abuse is just as bad and just as harmful to a person as physical abuse. My ex did most of your list to me. What people also overlook is that emotional abuse often eventually turns into physical abuse. An emotional abuser has the capability to physically abuse as well. It's only a matter of time. My ex eventually crossed the threshold into the physical (grabbing my hair, holding me up against the wall by the shoulders so he could shout at me), and unfortunately I waited until it got to that point before I got away from him. I will never, EVER put up with that again in my life, that's for sure.

[aniay]

Yes, emotional/verbal abuse is just as bad and just as harmful to a person as physical abuse. My ex did most of your list to me. What people also overlook is that emotional abuse often eventually turns into physical abuse. An emotional abuser has the capability to physically abuse as well. It's only a matter of time. My ex eventually crossed the threshold into the physical (grabbing my hair, holding me up against the wall by the shoulders so he could shout at me), and unfortunately I waited until it got to that point before I got away from him. I will never, EVER put up with that again in my life, that's for sure.

Yeah... all this comes from experience with my ex as well.

The only good thing is now we know what to watch out for. *hugs*

[innocentbutterfly]

wow after reading this thread, I don't know if it's just because I feel really bad right now about this, see thread: https://members.lovingfromadistance....-his-love-gone

or it's because my SO has some signs of this and I'm trying to justify it...

I've noticed these:
He doesn't want me to talk to any men or have any male friends though I don't want him to exactly hang with girls too, so I think this is normal? and he calls me idiot sometimes when he gets angry

[SquishyLove]

wow after reading this thread, I don't know if it's just because I feel really bad right now about this, see thread: https://members.lovingfromadistance....-his-love-gone

or it's because my SO has some signs of this and I'm trying to justify it...

I've noticed these:
He doesn't want me to talk to any men or have any male friends though I don't want him to exactly hang with girls too, so I think this is normal? and he calls me idiot sometimes when he gets angry

Only you know what's really going on with him, but it could be that he's exhibiting the first warning signs of an abuser. It's not normal to expect you to have no male friends AT ALL, and actually while you may not want him to be around other women, it's not exactly normal in general to have literally NO friends or acquaintances of the opposite sex. And to resort to name calling is crappy and abusive as well. Personally, if I were in your place, I wouldn't invest further, but this is only after having experienced the full unpleasantness of being in a long term relationship with an emotional (and after a few years, physical) abuser. Be very, very careful going forward.

EDIT: I read your thread so I'm filled in on most of the details now. Yeah, I wouldn't put up with what you're dealing with from him. It's too much drama, and he's being extremely cruel to you. You can cut your losses before meeting in person and becoming physically attached to him as well as emotionally. I personally would not go meet with him. I would be scared to meet with someone so volatile.

I flew to Russia to meet my husband in person for the first time, and people were worried about my safety, and he was always really SWEET to me from day 1. I wasn't worried about myself, and as we can all see, everything turned out fine. BUT, I wouldn't fly across the ocean to see someone who treated me like your man is treating you. I took a leap of faith and flew to a different continent to meet my man in person, taking a risk, and *I* am getting major bad vibes and cold chills about you going to see him. I seriously would NOT do it, Dear. It doesn't seem worth it.

I will be brutally honest in that I don't think abusers really love their partners. I don't think abusers understand what love actually is, what it should be, and aren't capable of being unselfish about love. It may hurt, but I think you really need to get away from this guy. I worry about your safety if you were to travel to him.

[SquishyLove]

Yeah... all this comes from experience with my ex as well.

The only good thing is now we know what to watch out for. *hugs*

Thanks for the hugs! And I guess sometimes it takes "learning the hard way." I remember being told about abusive relationships in a high school health class, but I remember the focus being almost solely on physical abuse. The ex was well behaved and made me believe he really loved me long enough to get his hooks in me, and was a charmer, attractive, and witty to boot. It was just enough to hook me in. The bad behavior didn't start overnight, but rather came in little increments, until it was the norm of our relationship, and the drama and bad times outweighed the good. But I was attached and enmeshed enough to hang out much longer than I should've. He crossed over into the physical towards the end of the relationship. It wasn't anything major, but it was enough to shake me up and make me realize he would eventually work up to worse, so I had to get away. But yeah, it's horribly exhausting to live with someone who's never satisfied no matter how hard you try, criticizes you constantly, and is dishonest about everything to boot. Ugh. Just be relieved we got away! And the icing on the cake is that we both found much nicer guys to be with later.

Sorry to ramble, but here are some other thoughts I've had on the issue:

It's interesting how I was fairly inexperienced in relationships when I was with the abusive ex. After being away from him for awhile and then starting a relationship with my husband, I was super surprised and almost shocked that he was actually being kind and respectful to me, all the time, and was never rude, mean, and never tried to emotionally blackmail me. It's like I normalized my ex's bad behavior. I *knew* that I had to avoid people like my ex in the future, I *knew* he was wrong and treated me badly, but I was so marked by how he treated me and got so used to it, and it took me awhile to really get used to my husband always being sweet and awesome with me. Having a partner truly love me just for who I am and care for me deeply, and actually show it, and never talk down to me or disrespect me, put a lot of my past feelings about my ex into perspective. I AM guilty of justifying and defending my ex's actions while we were still together, but after experiencing a good relationship, I now understand that for a few years I was most definitely being SCREWED over royally.

My husband, since day 1, has never been jealous or possessive, has always given me the level of affection and attention I need without complaining (and enjoys doing so). After over a year of now living together and being married, he continues to be wonderful. And I don't think it's because he's a perfect person (although he IS perfect to me ) or a saint. I think it's because he's a well-balanced, stable person with a normal, happy personality. Abusers usually have a lot of mental issues, but if you're a sweet and kind person and are prone to being sympathetic and compassionate, they hone in on it and know how to manipulate it. A normal, well-adjusted person will not do that. They will fall in love with someone and treat them RIGHT. So yeah, it's better to know the signs and really just to run at the first sign.

A person who TRULY loves you will NEVER use your tendency to be kind and caring, or any of your insecurities, to their own end. Abusers don't love you. They are just in it for what it does for them. It's often a power trip. It's a pathological disorder they have that can't be fixed. Sorry for the ramble. I just wanted to say my little piece about what I learned from being with the horrible ex, and the juxtaposition between how he behaved and how my husband behaves toward me. It's seriously like night and day.

[Gin_12]

I just wish I could do more for her, because I really believe she will end up in a horrible situation one day
If anyone has any ideas or thoughts, please feel free to share them with me!

Emsimes, the only thing you can do for your friend is to be there for her and listen to her without accusing her of anything or without offering any advice unless she's specifically asking for them. Many abused people already know there is something odd going even when they deny it openly, it is a defense mechanism and pointing out to your friend what she ought to do may somehow make her feel even more stupid and incompetent. Although it is not your intention, unfortunately that is how she may perceive it. Keep telling her that you are there to "support" her no matter what decision she makes as long as it is all legal.
What you are doing is creating an environment of trust and her knowing that you don't judge her and you will be there for her no matter what will help her open up.

Many people don't know that it takes an average of 7 attempts for a victim of domestic violence to "exit" the abusive relationship... why? because this type of abuse tends to come in a deeply rooted package it is usually bundled with sexual abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, co-dependency, etc... and the victim feels like nobody else will want them so the idea of starting afresh is extremely terrifying.

The excuses your friend comes up with are a defense mechanism to "protect" herself from the unknown. I know it sounds strange but we should all remember that the victims are "ill", they are not processing things as one might expect them to.

But Emsimes, you are a very good friend. Your concern for your friend show that you care a great deal about her. I hope she gets the help she needs.

[Fudgee]

I've experienced some of those to my ex. Being verbally abused just feels terrible. But now with my SO he never do it to me. We don't put limitations to each other coz we trust each other. I can talk to other guys or have guy friends. It doesn't matter coz I know I have him and I love him dearly. He never calls me names when he gets mad at me. So far he is the most patient and understanding bf I had since. I'm glad we found each other,

[aniay]

A person who TRULY loves you will NEVER use your tendency to be kind and caring, or any of your insecurities, to their own end. Abusers don't love you. They are just in it for what it does for them. It's often a power trip. It's a pathological disorder they have that can't be fixed. Sorry for the ramble. I just wanted to say my little piece about what I learned from being with the horrible ex, and the juxtaposition between how he behaved and how my husband behaves toward me. It's seriously like night and day.

It's the same for me, I just can't believe that someone treats me with respect. Being used to some kind of mental abuse for the whole life meeting someone who treats me with respect (And is my match) is just amazing and sometimes unbeliveable.

My ex relationship started abusive, and thankfully didn't escalate, because my parents treated themselves exactly the same way and i thought it's a norm. And my ex just thinks his behaviour is a norm.(Also because of his background)

And I just caught myself trying to excuse him.... THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE!

[chizatlauren]

Nice thread!

I've been in an abusive relationship before, and I tried to defend my ex and his actions because I thought he was just going through a phase. We were together for six years. I felt emotionally battered in the last few years of our relationship when all he did was humiliate me and call me names. We even fought in public more than once.

I realized that there's no turning back one day, when he forced me into his car and he drove in the highway while molesting me and forcing his hands all over my body while we were in a fight. We almost got into a car accident because I was wrestling with him and there, I realized, this craziness has to end.

Thanks OPer. This is a great reminder/checklist to everyone of us, so we can remember that we should know how to be responsible inside any relationship and know when to get out.

[Fudgee]

Nice thread!

I've been in an abusive relationship before, and I tried to defend my ex and his actions because I thought he was just going through a phase. We were together for six years. I felt emotionally battered in the last few years of our relationship when all he did was humiliate me and call me names. We even fought in public more than once.

I realized that there's no turning back one day, when he forced me into his car and he drove in the highway while molesting me and forcing his hands all over my body while we were in a fight. We almost got into a car accident because I was wrestling with him and there, I realized, this craziness has to end.

Thanks OPer. This is a great reminder/checklist to everyone of us, so we can remember that we should know how to be responsible inside any relationship and know when to get out.

Woah girl! That is too much. Seriously, he needs to see a doctor.
But atleast you're fine now and happy.
Let's move on and look forward to our futures..hihi :3

[chizatlauren]

Thank you Fudgee. what matters now is for us to be happy and move on!

[princessmaria]

Thanks guys for all of the positive responses and sharing your stories!
It's scary to see how many of us have been in abusive relationships.