SO Struggling with Depression

[TriniCherryPrincess]

Does anyone else here have a partner that has depression or any other mental illness? How is it working out for you? I've known from the start about my SO's depression but he has hidden a lot well over the years. Now that I've been living with him for the summer there's nothing to hide. It's bad and I had to pull myself together because I have my own issues and it was affecting me. Any stories, suggestions on how to handle it?

[LadyDaemon]

Me and my fiance both have issues with depression. However,mine I think a lot of the time is usually worse then his so most of the time he winds up taking care of me when I have my breakdowns. The only thing that you can really do is just be there for each other when it happens. Most of the time,at least for me and my fiance,that just consists of him letting me vent and cry when I need to and him listening to me and holding me.

Like for instance,about 3 weeks ago I had a really bad day where I got really depressed and things just kept happening that were making it worse. Finally,that night I broke down and started crying my eyes out. He had no idea what was upsetting me to that point,but he just turned to me,asked me if I wanted to talk about it and when I said I did he let me. I vented about it,he held me and wiped my tears away. I had about another day where I just ok but him doing that alone made everything ok. So,like I said,that's all you can really do.

[Chris516]

My SO gets' depressed. But while she has not been diagnosed with depression, her occasionally depressive moods, are inclusive of her OCD.

[ThePiedPiper]

Is he seeing someone for it or receiving treatment of any form? It's not the partner's job to play therapist or other mental health professional. I know that it sounds harsh, but there's a fine line between supporting your partner and being the only person they turn to, which becomes draining and is likely to be more of a permanent fixture than if they're also receiving help. I think the answers to these questions will determine which way my response will go.

[TriniCherryPrincess]

Is he seeing someone for it or receiving treatment of any form? It's not the partner's job to play therapist or other mental health professional. I know that it sounds harsh, but there's a fine line between supporting your partner and being the only person they turn to, which becomes draining and is likely to be more of a permanent fixture than if they're also receiving help. I think the answers to these questions will determine which way my response will go.

He has been in therapy for a little over a year now and he is taking anti-depressants.

[monkinlove]

My SO is not clinically depressed. It is more of a depression based on her situation of a divorce, bad job, family issues etc. However, I did date a girl before who had some bipolar and depression issues.

It can be a very draining thing. Good advice from those who commented above. Coping with it takes a lot of understanding and patients. With my current SO I struggled at times not to take some of her actions personally. When she would go into radio silence with a bad bout of depression, I couldn't tell if it was the fact of the depression or if she was just wanting to end our relationship and friendship. So when she was ready to talk again I would make sure and just ask at the appropriate moment. She would reconfirm it was just a very depressing time and it wasn't about me. So it's a very difficult situation with a LDR, but you can work through it.

[AuroraBorealis]

My SO is struggling with feelings of drepession and anxiety, and has been for as long as I've know him. I've worked out by now that for him it usually comes periods when he gets really down, like when he doesn't really want to talk much, which of course leaves me feeling very frustrated, I am working hard on learning not to take it personally. For him these periods last for about a few days or a week before he snaps out of it and feels better again. I don't really know what more I can do than just being there for him and being as understanding and supportive as I can, and as I said, trying not to take it personally which is not so easy for me. My SO says he doesn't want to see anyone about it, because he doesn't think it will help, he thinks it will all get better for him once he is able to finally move over to Europe and be where he wants to be. I'm hoping it will be.

[alittlemind]

I have an anxiety disorder, as well as a few other diagnosed mental health problems, and my boyfriend has struggled with depression in the past. From the very beginning we were very honest about these to each other, but still, each day is a learning experience (especially for him). He is very supportive of me, is helpful, and has talked with me through some tough times. But I know it is not his job to "fix" these things for me. The most you can do for your SO is be there for them when they need to talk things through, or just a shoulder to cry on, and make sure they are getting the proper help that they need. If you have your own problems that you are struggling through, it's also important for you to get the help that you need. I hope all goes well with you both best wishes!

[TriniCherryPrincess]

Thank you for all the replies. It's nice to hear that others are going through it and finding ways to make it work. My therapist told me that I should not feel obligated to him since we're not married and it made me wonder if I was trying to make something out of nothing... I can say that he stayed with me when I was dealing with my own mental health issues, even though it was difficult and it was not the relationship he ideally wanted. I feel like roles have been reversed except I'm now at an age where I have to make decisions about my future. His depression at this point is in a place where he is not capable of work or school; I plan to move out of my parents' house very soon. Staying with him this summer was supposed to be like dipping my toes in the water. After the experience, however, it's clear that he is not in a state where moving in together permanently can happen. I don't want to just leave because I would have done so already but I admit that it can be tough.

[loveknowsnodistance27]

I'm the one with depression in our relationship. It's been hard and he's had a tough time dealing with it but we have made it work. I am doing much better now that I am on a treatment plan. He does have his own mental things going on. I think a lot of is it emotional issues dealing with his past that he is having trouble speaking about. The key is patience.

[TriniCherryPrincess]

I'm back home. I don't feel that I handled his depressive episode that lasted right up until I was about to leave very well. I see how very different it is dealing with your SO's issues when you're living with them versus being far away. They can hide things and share some things with you. Has anyone spent a long period of time with their partner and faced this? I mean, I just felt helpless.

[ThePiedPiper]

I think the big thing is whether or not he's actively working through it, and if this is something he can ever work through. I could not stay through my SO's continued depression and rage, but I was suffering for it and, frankly, he didn't see any issue with it, to the point he even considered himself "happy" and "having worked through all his issues." He wasn't interested in seeking therapy or doing anything to better the situation and so I decided I couldn't handle it. My father, too, was severely clinically depressed, on antidepressants and in therapy, but also not getting better. I wish I could say I'm the type of person who could be with someone who's depressed who will never get better, but I'm not. That's just not something I would be able to do, because it does drain you of everything you have. I watched it drain my mother for 19 years and I don't know how she did it. I hardly managed to do it for the 2 years between when they got divorced and I stopped seeing him. Is this something you feel your SO can work through? Or has worked through and made progress with? If so, then it may just be a matter of patience. If not, then this might be something you will have to decide if you can deal with it or can't.

[TriniCherryPrincess]

I think the big thing is whether or not he's actively working through it, and if this is something he can ever work through. I could not stay through my SO's continued depression and rage, but I was suffering for it and, frankly, he didn't see any issue with it, to the point he even considered himself "happy" and "having worked through all his issues." He wasn't interested in seeking therapy or doing anything to better the situation and so I decided I couldn't handle it. My father, too, was severely clinically depressed, on antidepressants and in therapy, but also not getting better. I wish I could say I'm the type of person who could be with someone who's depressed who will never get better, but I'm not. That's just not something I would be able to do, because it does drain you of everything you have. I watched it drain my mother for 19 years and I don't know how she did it. I hardly managed to do it for the 2 years between when they got divorced and I stopped seeing him. Is this something you feel your SO can work through? Or has worked through and made progress with? If so, then it may just be a matter of patience. If not, then this might be something you will have to decide if you can deal with it or can't.

He is actively working to get to a better and stable place; we've talked about how Major Depressive Disorder is chronic. I appreciate you sharing your parents' story and yours too. I'm in school for counseling and so I understand how serious it is and how difficult caring for someone with depression can be. Luckily, I believe that mental illness shouldn't necessarily mean that one doesn't deserve love and a relationship. After living with him, I at least have a better understanding of what is actually going on and what it was like for me. I think that if he were to follow the suggestions of his therapist and psychiatrist that we'll be okay. I guess I just need him to be honest with me about everything... I know that he'll have good days and bad days but I need to know that he's working at it. But yes, patience. I need to work on my patience as well.
Thank you very much for your response