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    Religion, cultural differences, etc!

    My SO and I come from very different backgrounds. Most of my family is french or cajun, and very catholic. His family is middle eastern and very muslim. Him and I both went through phases in our life where we didn't really believe in anything. I personally was never a religious person, and expressed this to my family on numerous occasions. My SO on the other hand was the type to question everything, and actually decided to become atheist when he was only twelve (if that says anything about his personality). He's 21 now and reverted back to islam before he came into my life 2 years ago. The first year of us being together was full of discovering and disagreements. This was partially due to our significant cultural differences, social environments, and a little bit of religion.

    I started opening up more to the idea of islam with my own independent research. As someone who was never religious, I found myself deeply intrigued by islam as it gave me a peaceful, grounded feeling. My SO and his uncle were very adamant about me making the decision to convert on my own, without feeling coerced into doing so. At the time, I still really was not sure. I only became sure about 2 months ago when I unofficially converted. I still have a ton of reading to do and I definitely have some things to correct under my belt, but I feel very good about this choice. It helps that my SO is a reverted muslim and he also has a lot to correct/learn, so we're doing it together.

    My decision to convert was 100% personal, but I do owe some thanks to my SO's mother. After spending a lot of time with her in Canada, and having her tell me why she converted, the conviction behind my decision to convert felt that much stronger and valid and is ultimately why I feel so strongly about making it official this winter.

    However, no matter how strong my conviction is, I fear that my family is not going to receive it well. I met my SO when I was 17 and I am now 19. As naturally entails, you go through a bit of a metamorphosis in life once you reach adulthood. You begin to explore more and your view of life becomes more broad. My family believes that I have significantly changed and are not very happy about it. In their eyes, I was supposed to stay 16 forever, apparently. I know that if I mention converting to them they will think that I only did so for my SO (which is not the case at all) and alienate me even more from the family. It's heartbreaking to feel like they do not support me in anything I do. Our families will never be able to sit down with each other and have a normal conversation due to major cultural and religious differences, and this also makes me very sad.

    I honestly don't see a way to fix this situation, but I'm just wondering if any of you have experienced something similar or have a success story involving different cultures or religions. It would make me feel a lot more hopeful about my situation in the future. My relationship with my mother has been incredibly rocky for the past 4 years or so, but I still love her dearly and if my SO and I ever get married which is now looking more likely (I have not officially converted, but once I do there's a high possibility that we will have our "Nikah" which is marriage in islam). Both of these events would be huge and to not have any of my family supporting me would be devastating, especially my mother. It's the harsh reality of my situation and I've sort of grown to accept it, but it dawned on me this morning that maybe I don't have to.

    #2
    In several stages of my life I've been dealing with cultural differences. I believe at first I quite thought "yeah we're different, but not thaat different" and then started to realize by conversations that different backrounds even lead to different interpretations of what one has said. Time and respect are the keys! One time my polish friends invited me to go to a mass and I thought they knew I didn't believe in god. Until that day when they invited me and I made a joke that actually offended them. I don't remember what I said, but it was connected to a previous private joke we had, which lead me into thinking they were not believers as well.

    Having a conversation and letting them know what you feel bout your faith and Islam is very important. Maybe in the beginning they won't understand, but with time they might get used to that idea and understand you. If your dating for 2 years I believe it is easier for them to accept what you're afraid of, since they also know your partner already. I would have a straigh-forward conversation or step by step start to introduce the topic...

    I just wanted to express that I don't know if saying ''very catholic" or "very muslim" is accurate. I don't believe so at least. And I don't even know if that sounds offensive since I don't believe in any of them, but I understand what you mean, that they are too attached to their faith.
    The good news is that religous people are educated to be tolerant with others people faith, so I hope it all goes well with you!

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      #3
      I know you asked for success stories, but I have one of the opposite kind. My former SO and I had major religious differences. I'm an atheist (I don't like using that word but it'll have to do) and she was a die-hard christian (some variation of protestant/reformed). Her demands was outright that I have to become christian or it won't work. That's simply how it was. I tried a couple of times to go to church, even went to a bible class if not two. But I just couldn't bring myself to become it, I was disgusted with the whole idea.

      Considering the foolish concessions I had already made for her sake and her not really giving any out of the ordinary things back, I decided that enough was enough and it ended shortly after that. From that experience, I've decided not to date or be with anyone who's religious. For me it simply will not work.

      Comment


        #4
        Originally posted by Jess! View Post
        In several stages of my life I've been dealing with cultural differences. I believe at first I quite thought "yeah we're different, but not thaat different" and then started to realize by conversations that different backrounds even lead to different interpretations of what one has said. Time and respect are the keys! One time my polish friends invited me to go to a mass and I thought they knew I didn't believe in god. Until that day when they invited me and I made a joke that actually offended them. I don't remember what I said, but it was connected to a previous private joke we had, which lead me into thinking they were not believers as well.

        Having a conversation and letting them know what you feel bout your faith and Islam is very important. Maybe in the beginning they won't understand, but with time they might get used to that idea and understand you. If your dating for 2 years I believe it is easier for them to accept what you're afraid of, since they also know your partner already. I would have a straigh-forward conversation or step by step start to introduce the topic...

        I just wanted to express that I don't know if saying ''very catholic" or "very muslim" is accurate. I don't believe so at least. And I don't even know if that sounds offensive since I don't believe in any of them, but I understand what you mean, that they are too attached to their faith.
        The good news is that religous people are educated to be tolerant with others people faith, so I hope it all goes well with you!
        By very muslim and very catholic I meant that they are very dedicated to their religions. For example, catholicism and islam are incredibly different. The foundation of both religions have major contradicting qualities in comparison. Someone from his family would not abandon one of their beliefs to adhere to the beliefs or customs of my catholic family, and vise versa. My family wants me to do things the catholic way (my mother has even bashed muslims right in front of me on several occasions) & his family are actually fearful of me being christian and often bring it up as if it is the plague (for which I have to counter in saying that no, I am not a christian).

        Comment


          #5
          Originally posted by Swederica View Post
          I know you asked for success stories, but I have one of the opposite kind. My former SO and I had major religious differences. I'm an atheist (I don't like using that word but it'll have to do) and she was a die-hard christian (some variation of protestant/reformed). Her demands was outright that I have to become christian or it won't work. That's simply how it was. I tried a couple of times to go to church, even went to a bible class if not two. But I just couldn't bring myself to become it, I was disgusted with the whole idea.

          Considering the foolish concessions I had already made for her sake and her not really giving any out of the ordinary things back, I decided that enough was enough and it ended shortly after that. From that experience, I've decided not to date or be with anyone who's religious. For me it simply will not work.
          I'm sorry it led to that. I'm fortunate enough to have an understanding SO who didn't push me into anything. I don't think I would have stayed if he had.
          Forcing religion on anyone is not okay.

          Comment


            #6
            Originally posted by princessmaria View Post
            By very muslim and very catholic I meant that they are very dedicated to their religions. For example, catholicism and islam are incredibly different. The foundation of both religions have major contradicting qualities in comparison. Someone from his family would not abandon one of their beliefs to adhere to the beliefs or customs of my catholic family, and vise versa. My family wants me to do things the catholic way (my mother has even bashed muslims right in front of me on several occasions) & his family are actually fearful of me being christian and often bring it up as if it is the plague (for which I have to counter in saying that no, I am not a christian).

            I am sorry it is like that and I hope that it gets better.
            saying someone is very catholic, to me, is like saying someone is very pregnant (which happens in my mother tongue). I belong to a catholic country and I know the muslim traditions. The foundations of these two religions have a lot in common and I hope you can open their minds a bit about it.
            Religion brings people together and I hope you can find a way of taking advantage of that so that everything goes smooth...

            Comment


              #7
              Originally posted by Jess! View Post
              I am sorry it is like that and I hope that it gets better.
              saying someone is very catholic, to me, is like saying someone is very pregnant (which happens in my mother tongue). I belong to a catholic country and I know the muslim traditions. The foundations of these two religions have a lot in common and I hope you can open their minds a bit about it.
              Religion brings people together and I hope you can find a way of taking advantage of that so that everything goes smooth...
              Thanks! They are both very traditioned based religions and maybe I can find a way to make that work for me.

              Comment


                #8
                Well,I don't have a story. But I will tell you that the only thing you can do is talk to them,introduce them to it and then see what happens. It may take time for them to come around,but also recognize that they may not at all. In which case if it becomes an issue such to the point that it effects your well being in anyway,I think you may need to just not talk to them about it or worst case scenario,back off from them a little bit. I know in my case that's what I have to do more often then not. I tried to be christian and go to church etc. but I realized I had a lot of issues with it and it just wasn't for me. I've since then found myself to be Pagan and I told my family that but my father and brother always poke fun at me over it and it hurts,I won't lie about that. But,that's why I just don't discuss religion,be it mine or otherwise with them,I move on because I know the chances of them ever taking it seriously or supporting me is slim to none no matter what I tell them.

                As for the religious differences between me and my fiance,we don't really have any. He's Agnostic and he knows I'm Pagan. We've agreed mutually that as long as neither of us forces our religious views on the other then we can believe and do what we want. We're getting married in the near future and he's been kind enough to allow me to make it a Pagan handfasting if I so choose,which I love him for.

                I'm glad that religion is something that has brought you and your SO together,because in some relationships that's not always the case. Just keep your head up and talk to them about it and hopefully they'll come around for you. Good luck!

                ♥ In 666 Ways I Love You & My Heaven Is Wherever You Are. I'm For You. ♥

                We Met: June 9,2010
                Back Together: August 1,2012
                First Visit: September 21,2012 - September 29,2012
                Second Visit: January 13,2013 - February 24,2013
                Engaged: January 17,2013
                Closed The Distance-MS - AZ: June 15th,2013
                Moved To FL Together: November 14,2013
                We Got Married! - July 3,2014
                SO Graduated College - August 7,2015
                Moved to Ky - August 10, 2015

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                  #9
                  I agree with Jess, the best you can do is explain your choice to your family and hope that, with time, they will be understanding.

                  My husband is Muslim and I am agnostic (as is my family). They are very open to and accepting of other religions and had no issues with him being Muslim. If I converted one day, I think they'd be surprised but totally supportive. I am lucky in the fact that they've always been supportive of my decisions, even if they disagree with them. They'll voice their concerns and then tell me that they support my decisions and are happy that I'm happy.

                  I really hope that your family (especially your mother) can accept the decisions that you make because it doesn't change who you are to your family. Explain to them that you hope they understand and even if they disagree, you hope they can support and accept you.

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Originally posted by LadyDaemon View Post
                    Well,I don't have a story. But I will tell you that the only thing you can do is talk to them,introduce them to it and then see what happens. It may take time for them to come around,but also recognize that they may not at all. In which case if it becomes an issue such to the point that it effects your well being in anyway,I think you may need to just not talk to them about it or worst case scenario,back off from them a little bit. I know in my case that's what I have to do more often then not. I tried to be christian and go to church etc. but I realized I had a lot of issues with it and it just wasn't for me. I've since then found myself to be Pagan and I told my family that but my father and brother always poke fun at me over it and it hurts,I won't lie about that. But,that's why I just don't discuss religion,be it mine or otherwise with them,I move on because I know the chances of them ever taking it seriously or supporting me is slim to none no matter what I tell them.

                    As for the religious differences between me and my fiance,we don't really have any. He's Agnostic and he knows I'm Pagan. We've agreed mutually that as long as neither of us forces our religious views on the other then we can believe and do what we want. We're getting married in the near future and he's been kind enough to allow me to make it a Pagan handfasting if I so choose,which I love him for.

                    I'm glad that religion is something that has brought you and your SO together,because in some relationships that's not always the case. Just keep your head up and talk to them about it and hopefully they'll come around for you. Good luck!
                    I'm so glad your SO is supportive of you and your religion! I think paganism is really interesting.
                    I'm thinking of breaching the subject the next time I go for a visit. I haven't seen any of my family since March so I've definitely been keeping my distance. It just hurts to think that they will never accept it, or will always see it as something I did only for my SO and not for my own individual pleasure. It is something that brought us together, something we both find refuge in. I'll try to explain what it means to me, but I'm doubting at this point that I'll even be able to get out a sentence after "I'm converting", haha.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Originally posted by mllebamako View Post
                      I agree with Jess, the best you can do is explain your choice to your family and hope that, with time, they will be understanding.

                      My husband is Muslim and I am agnostic (as is my family). They are very open to and accepting of other religions and had no issues with him being Muslim. If I converted one day, I think they'd be surprised but totally supportive. I am lucky in the fact that they've always been supportive of my decisions, even if they disagree with them. They'll voice their concerns and then tell me that they support my decisions and are happy that I'm happy.

                      I really hope that your family (especially your mother) can accept the decisions that you make because it doesn't change who you are to your family. Explain to them that you hope they understand and even if they disagree, you hope they can support and accept you.
                      Thank you! Have you ever thought of converting?

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Originally posted by princessmaria View Post
                        Thank you! Have you ever thought of converting?
                        It's something that I'll always be open to but not something that I currently feel, if that makes sense.

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Originally posted by mllebamako View Post
                          It's something that I'll always be open to but not something that I currently feel, if that makes sense.
                          Yes. I completely understand.

                          Comment


                            #14
                            I grew up going to church occasionally, and then in high school my catholic faith became a huge part of my life. I looked forward to going to mass every week and I helped teach CCD classes to the 2nd graders. It was a time in my life when I desperately needed something to believe in. Once college hit I didn't go to mass as frequently, and then my parish got a new priest. This priest started preaching about mortal sins and how only virgins are "good" and I was starting to realize more and more that, while I did agree with the basic aspects of catholicism (God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, how Jesus died for our sins, etc etc), there were huge problems that I was having with my religion. Eventually, with the help of my SO and of some members here, I decided to stop declaring myself catholic.

                            My SO is agnostic, and while I didn't really convert to his beliefs, I still haven't told my parents or grandparents. Their faith means a lot to them and I don't want them to judge me because of a decision I made for myself. Currently I'm working hard to create a balance for myself between faith and life, but I refuse to settle, just as I don't think you should settle for not having your family at your wedding/in your life if you really want them to be.


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                              #15
                              I didn't read the comments, please forgive that.

                              But, religion is a personal thing, I don't understand why your family even needs to know about it. I also think it's bullshit that your families couldn't get along civilly because of their religions. They could, if they wanted to. It's as simple as not talking about religion and turning a blind eye to a few quirks. Everyone in my world is from differing religions. My mum was church of England, as was I as a kid. My sister is Catholic. Most of my in-laws are very Christian. My husband is agnostic, with some anger issues toward Christianity. I'm Wiccan. On the wedding front, they all came to my very obvious pagan handfasting and never said anything nasty. We cast a circle and prayed to my gods, and they all said it was beautiful. *shrugs*

                              Sometimes there's a little awkwardness, but you agree to disagree and move on. There's only an issue between religions if those people want to make it an issue. Instead of focusing on the differences between religions, find the similarities. I guarantee there are some.

                              And learn to laugh at yourself. You have been Catholic, so you can remember what it's like to look through Catholic eyes. Find the humour rather than letting yourself be hurt. I've been Wiccan over a decade and my sister still cracks broomstick jokes. But she also knows I support her more than almost anyone. I still go to church with her once a year or so, as I do for my MIL. I will pray with them. I will council them through their spiritual distress when need be (and have, oddly enough). I don't have to believe what they do to support them. And over time people will judge you by your deeds rather than your label.

                              It's not easy to be different - but you can make that difference a strength rather than a weakness.

                              Sorry if this is a bit choppy, babyWitch is being difficult today lol
                              Happily married to the little Canadian boy I never thought I'd meet in person

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