Another guy interested in me

[Karoshi]

Hello everyone. I have this issue I need some help with. First, some background.
About a month ago I met one guy online, he is nice and kind and we became friends (actually very close friends because he helped me and supported me a lot when I had the recent relationship problems). And now he revealed his feelings to me - he said that he likes me more than just a friend, that he is attracted to me strongly and he wants to be with me. Of course he knows that I am in a relationship, and I reminded it to him, but he said that he is willing to wait for me until my relationship ends. So I told him that I'm not planning to break up with my SO and that he can wait for me for couple of years maybe, and that it's not worth it, because there are many more nice girls waiting for him. I can't say I don't have any feelings for him, if I was single I would maybe consider as option to date him, but I won't in any case cheat on my boyfriend or something like that. And even though I told him that there can't be anything between us because I am taken, he keeps texting me stuff like "hey darling" or "♥" and things like that. Do you have any ideas how can I kindly tell him that we have to be just friends? I don't want to be mean at him, he is really very nice and I don't want to lose him asi friend.

[Bluejay Belle]

I would tell him that you appreciate his friendship, but you are in a relationship and cannot pursue anything beyond a platonic relationship with him. If the darlings and hearts make you feel uncomfortable, I'd tell him that as well. He needs to respect your decision and your current relationship.

[Verojoon]

I have learned from experience that sometimes friendships have to end when they become inappropriate. It doesn't sound like you and him can be friends right now. If you are committed to your relationship, you may have to chose it over this friendship. It *might* have been a different case if this was an old friendship that pre-dated the relationship depending on circumstances and personalities, but this is a new friendship.

Would you tell your SO about this friendship, this guy's feelings for you and you potentially returning his feelings if circumstances were different? How would your SO react? How would you feel if tables were turned and your SO had a new close friendship with a girl who has feelings for him? Do you feel guilt over this friendship? Examine your feelings carefully and only you can truly answer if this is appropriate for you or no. But in my experience I've had to terminate friendships that were bordering on becoming inappropriate...

You may not feel like you are doing anything wrong right now, because he's the one pursuing you, but you are leaving yourself in a situation where a lapse of judgement can occur.

[Moon]

To be honest, I'd start with no longer seeking online friends of the opposite sex. You don't need male internet friends, as it's not usually friendship alone that develops, especially since you can't say you don't have any feelings for him. Also, you're probably going to have to lose him as a friend, you've told him to back off, and he's not respecting that. You might like him "as a friend", but that's not how he feels about you, and once he develops those feelings, any type of friendship is kinda doomed.

Let him go, and use this experience as a reminder to yourself.

[ams.201220]

I gotta agree with Moon on this one. Internet guy friends, never really stay as friends. It's the same for guys too, really. At one point, his feelings are going to get hurt because he's going to get upset that you keep choosing your boyfriend over him. You're really just going to have to be blatant and straight to the point, otherwise he'll keep attempting to talk to you like that.

[Black_Halloween]

I have learned from experience that sometimes friendships have to end when they become inappropriate.

Right on. I've had guy friends start to flirt with me, ask me gross and personal questions about our sex life, ectect. I had to let them go because they started crossing a line that I was not comfortable with.

[Ejoriah]

Agree with everyone else. At the same time, I wonder why you are asking for ways you can "kindly" let him down. You've already told him you have a boyfriend and he isn't respecting that. Time to be blunt.

[princessmaria]

Agree with everyone else. At the same time, I wonder why you are asking for ways you can "kindly" let him down. You've already told him you have a boyfriend and he isn't respecting that. Time to be blunt.

This. He needs to know how serious you are and if you do it kindly, it won't resonate with him and he'll just keep on trying to pursue you.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

The best discouragement for a guy is not "we have to be only friends" but "I WANT to be only friends". If you assure him that YOU don't WANT anything more, he'll likely drop it.

It's subtle language hints. Saying "we have to" suggests that there are external reasons that prevent you from being together, rather than your personal preferences. And that, to him, will suggest that there's hope.

[ThePiedPiper]

I don't see the issue with male friends. One of my closest is a male friend I've known since the age of 15 or 16 and nothing has ever developed between us. I think we both gross each other out if the idea is presented. But I think the big thing is you have to find male friends who are willing to respect you and your relationship, despite any developments. I have found that it's not so much the feelings that have ever been the problem, from either end, but it's always been when one of us could not respect the other's relationship. If this guy can't respect yours, and that means telling him to cut it out and cut out the pet names and the <3s, then you need to cut him out because it's only going to continue and potentially get worse.

[Moon]

I don't see the issue with male friends. One of my closest is a male friend I've known since the age of 15 or 16 and nothing has ever developed between us. I think we both gross each other out if the idea is presented. But I think the big thing is you have to find male friends who are willing to respect you and your relationship, despite any developments. I have found that it's not so much the feelings that have ever been the problem, from either end, but it's always been when one of us could not respect the other's relationship. If this guy can't respect yours, and that means telling him to cut it out and cut out the pet names and the <3s, then you need to cut him out because it's only going to continue and potentially get worse.

I don't see a problem with male friends at all, especially the ones you've known for years. I do see an issue with seeking out new male friends on the internet when you're already in a relationship, more often than not, it just leads to problems. The internet is different from the real world that way, and since she's already run into issues, in my opinion, it's better to just avoid it altogether

[ThePiedPiper]

I don't see a problem with male friends at all, especially the ones you've known for years. I do see an issue with seeking out new male friends on the internet when you're already in a relationship, more often than not, it just leads to problems. The internet is different from the real world that way, and since she's already run into issues, in my opinion, it's better to just avoid it altogether

Oh, okay. I thought you meant, like, male internet friends in general. I haven't met my friend in person yet but while we have had our moments of confusion, they've never been around feelings. I agree with you. Also, maybe it's me, but I think my attitude and how I approach my male friends has always meant less drama for me in my relationships. I've never had the issue of "well maybe if the circumstances were different..." and any guy to cross lines with me has gotten a couple chances to get his act together and if he can't, he's out... I don't know. I think male internet friends can stay "just friends," but not if both of you are pining after different circumstances, and then it just gets messy. And, being fair, the friend I'm using as an example is probably the only guy who has remained friend zoned or with whom I've remained friend zoned, so maybe it's just wishful of me. I agree with you in regards to the OPer though.

[Karoshi]

Hey, thank you for your posts I did as you said. I explained him once again that I really don't want to continue in "friendship" like that and if he can't respect that I'm in relationship, there is no way for us to hold it, because my boyfriend will always be number one for me and I really don't want to hold this "platonic relationship" with someone else when I'm taken. He apologized and told me that if it's really my decision, then he just have to respect it and maybe it will be better for us to end all forms of contact between us, which is something I agreed with. Thanks god he is reasonable at last!

And for the male internet friends issue. It isn't that I'm seeking new male online friends, in fact they are seeking me, lol. I am online gamer and admin on one facebook gaming site, so I meet lots of guys there, I have many online male friends, including guys from my guild or from our admin team and some of them are the dearest friends I've ever had for me. I don't see nothing wrong in chattting with random guy that adds me to his Steam friend list and playing some games together, and my SO doesn't have problems with it either.

[dizzyupthemeg]

I don't see nothing wrong in chattting with random guy that adds me to his Steam friend list and playing some games together, and my SO doesn't have problems with it either.

There is nothing wrong with having male friends and there is nothing wrong with playing games together BUT if you allow it to become more there is a problem and it can have major repercussions. My SO and I both have very close friends of the opposite sex. It doesn't bother either of us, but you better believe if I learned of one of these friends sending him hearts and calling him sweetheart I would develop a problem rather quickly. You admitted that you couldn't deny that you may have feelings for the other guy, because of this it may be in your best interest to be more aware of where you allow your future male friendships to go.

Other than that, good for you to deciding to end all forms of contact. It's definitely better to end this before it gets any messier than it needs to be.

[Jess!]

Well, the thing is we're not talking about some random friendship, but being friends with someone that has feelings for the person in question, when this person is in a commited (and I assume monogamous) relationship. I strongly think you should cut off contact and set some boundaries. I felt a bit uncomfortable when karoshi said she sort of have feelings for him too. She should be honest with her SO as well. If my partner was in karoshi situation i'd be devastaded. Saying that he will wait until you break up it's nuts and it kinda assumes you're going to break up or slip up soon.

This is not okay.