His ex is stalking me? Really?

[Louise_B]

Ok, So most of you know the situation with my SO as you were all so supportive about the fact his still married .. and his still married because he gets good benefits from being in the Military and being married.

Anyways, I got a message from him today saying ' My Ex wife found your video on youtube, stalker much ' so yeah it turns out she found the video i put together of mine and my SOs meet. and she said to him 'Im glad you two are together, Its cute'

Well after he told me that i was bursting with rage (maybe i was over reacting) But anyways. Why does she feel the need to text him saying that crap? i mean why? can someone justify a reason she would say that? She cheated on him and had a baby by someone else for crying out loud SHE LEFT HIM.

What gets me the most is .. How the hell did she find the video on youtube in the first place? Its not over facebook,twitter, Only on here and i sent in through private message to my close friends, So she must of REALLY done her research to try and find it and stuff about me!!! I am currently sitting here laughing because i am so pissed of.

Another thing is i did lash out at my SO .. i did the whole;

how the hell did she find it?
Why is she messaging you in the first place?
Shes being a vindictive bitch
Shes up to something

And my SO come back with

I dont fucking know do i
Your profile is public on facebook she probably found the link
Im keeping things civial with her
its not my problem

Well after that i basically told him ill speak to him later because the fact he defended the situation made it a whole lot worse for me. I understand he needs to keep things cival with her because if he doesnt she can demand $600 of his income eevery month but shes "being nice and letting him keep it" (his words). Now for me shes rather getting bored of her life and sees how happy he is and doesnt like it, Or shes just being cruel!

Hes finding all so amusing at the moment, Saying im wasting my energy with being angry and all that crap? I'm sorry but i do have a right to be angry right about now dont i??

[nicole]

Youtube videos are surprisingly easy to come across. My SO's co-worker is invasive like that and for some reason stalks everybody. He found a video that a friend of mine made for MY birthday, didn't even have me or my SO in it- just a few pictures, but made by my friend. I was totally creeped out and disturbed, but it just goes to show what's private and what's not when it is uploaded to the internet. I suggest you go through all your profiles and sort out your privacy settings.

As for your SO's ex. There's nothing you can do to stop what she does. There is nothing your SO can do to stop what she does either. So there's no point flying off the handle to him when he can't do anything to control her actions. She is her own person in the end. It's creepy and strange she'd be researching you like that, but she's done it now. All you can do is take measures to ensure she doesn't find anything you don't want her to find.

[Moon]

Ummm, what? Holy Overreaction, Batman.

I'm trying not to sound too snarky here, but seriously, I'm having trouble. She found your video, so what? She said she's glad the two of you are together, what's the problem, exactly? Like it or not, you're with a married man, things could be A LOT worse! Maybe she's feeling a bit guilty about the way she treated him, and is genuinely glad he found someone else, since it makes her feel less badly. Either way, as long as that marriage certificate is valid, there will always be a part of her legally in his life, you need to deal with that in a much more mature way. She isn't stalking you, she found your YouTube video, last I checked, that and an open Facebook profile is not going to give you privacy.

She could just be curious about who her husband is dating, I mean c'mon, who hasn't checked out an ex? This is nothing to get upset about, especially if it's saving your boyfriend $600 a month to be civil. If she starts messaging you, calling you, posting things about you, then get mad, but saying you two look cute together really isn't a good reason, unless I'm somehow missing something here.

[Louise_B]

unless I'm somehow missing something here.

I have been nothing BUT understanding when it has come to my SO still being married to the woman even though they seperated over 2 years ago. I understand why. But when he tells me how he hates her so much, he hates seeing her name in his phone, or on facebook. YET when she messages him or calls him about us its 'OK' he tells me his playing into her game and being cival with her.

It upsets me the fact he tells me how much he hates her but whatever she says or does everything is ok :/ So they have no contact unless its to do with the divorce (which is nowhere in site) Yet she feels like its ok to text him about our relationship! To me it doesnt make sense

[Moon]

I have been nothing BUT understanding when it has come to my SO still being married to the woman even though they seperated over 2 years ago. I understand why. But when he tells me how he hates her so much, he hates seeing her name in his phone, or on facebook. YET when she messages him or calls him about us its 'OK' he tells me his playing into her game and being cival with her.

It upsets me the fact he tells me how much he hates her but whatever she says or does everything is ok :/ So they have no contact unless its to do with the divorce (which is nowhere in site) Yet she feels like its ok to text him about our relationship! To me it doesnt make sense

Yeah, but it doesn't have to make sense to you, unfortunately. You don't have to like it, but until that divorce is finalized, there really isn't anything you can do about it, except let it go, and be the bigger person. Maybe she's trying to be nice about things, you never know because, remember, you're only getting one side of the story. I can imagine the things my ex says about me to his new wife, which I would have no way of defending, if I cared. Their marriage is something you need to stay out of as much as possible, no good can come from involving yourself in any way, so let her text him about dumb things, so long as it isn't hurting anybody. He needs to deal with that stuff on his own, and unless you suspect anything inappropriate, let him handle it. At least he tells you, so for being honest, don't get angry with him, or he'll stop letting you know when he's heard from her. Save the freaking out for those moments that really deserve it.

[Black_Halloween]

I, like moon, seem to be missing something. I get that you hate her guts but that's no reason to go off on your SO. He's married for money benefits and like it not she's going to be in your lives until they're divorced. You're making it hard on him. He can't control what she does. I could understand if she started causing hateful drama, messaging you personally, ectect but she's not. YOU made the choice to be in this situation and YOU need to trust him.

[Ejoriah]

I agree with nicole. I don't know if you've tried looking up that video yourself, but I just did (sorry to be creepy!) and going to youtube and typing your name brings it up. Or just typing [Your full name][Your SO's first name] in google. So I don't think she's stalking you so much as keeping tabs on who her ex is dating... and to be fair I've done it too. I tried looking up one of the girls my ex was dating, unfortunately I couldn't find much to go on because I only had her first name to go on with, lol It was just natural curiosity.

As to why she feels it's ok to text him about his relationship... well, why wouldn't it be ok? They're married and trying to keep it civil, and it's not like she cussed you out or demeaned you or anything... Maybe she's genuinely glad he found someone that is obviously a good match for him. Why is it cruel that she's texting him?

[Louise_B]

I dont get involved with his married past with her. In fact i never bring it up. ever. I dont ask him about the divorce i dont preasure him into hurrying up with it. Infact most times i forget he is married.

But like i said i'm just upset that she feels the need to text her ex about his current realtionship regardless if it was hatrred text or a nice one.

I am not being hard on him and making things hard for him at all .. i didnt shout, get angry with him. I used to the turn 'lash out at him' meaning i was asking him what she said, and i wonder why she texted you. We havent had an argument, and i said id talk to him later so i could cool down a bit as it was a shock that she has texted him about us.

[Verojoon]

I also think you're over-reacting. Maybe I can give you a different perspective. I left my husband. I feel a lot of guilt over the way it all went down... I probably would still feel guilt if it had gone down a different way. I once looked up my ex-husband's girlfriend's account out of curiosity. Friends we still had in common made comments about them and I got curious. When he looked happy on his photos, it made me happy. It relieved a little bit of guilt. I didn't message him about it, but that's because I don't want to open a whole new can of worms with him...

You say he hates her. Obviously, she hurt him badly. Otherwise his feelings wouldn't be so strong. She must know that. A lot of people can't stand having someone else hate them... She may be reaching out to him trying to be "the good guy" because of that... In the end, they have a past. This is something you knew and have had to accept. There is some of that past that still needs to be worked on in the present. I can't remember if they have a child together. Do they? If they do, they will need to be in each other's lives for a long time... otherwise, at least until the divorce is done...

Him acting okay with her is not a slight on you in any shape or form. It is him acting in a mature manner despite the hurt she has caused him. He laughs about the situation because he feels secure in his relationship with you. In your place, I would feel a lot more worried if he reacted negatively to her comment...

*hugs* I'm sure this is all sorts of difficult to navigate... My SO can probably relate a lot better than I can... but I can tell you that if he reacted to my communications with my ex in the same way as you just described, it would put me in a very difficult situation... He loves YOU. Who cares if he is civil to someone else?

[digitalfever]

Honestly, you sound like a baby right now. She texted him saying something nice and is supportive of your relationship. You should see this as a GOOD thing. She hold a lot of power when it comes to the progression of your relationship and the fact that she is positive and the fact that she is willing to express that to your boyfriend is amazing.

More importantly, If you don't want anyone to see something that you post on Facebook then you need to send it through private message. Otherwise there are ways that computer savvy people can use to see what ever it is that your hiding. You need to change your Facebook profile settings and take more consideration before you post.

[Louise_B]

I can't remember if they have a child together. Do they?

No they don't she had a child with the guy she cheated on my SO with.

He laughs about the situation because he feels secure in his relationship with you.

He laughs because he told me he thinks she is getting bored of her guy and thats why she is being nice to him, He even joked that he hopes the guy shes with cheats on her.

Verojoon - Thank you for being understanding and opening it up on a different side i understand all that now. I guess i did over react in a way. Not at him. But to myself. I am trying to cool down and see the bigger picture and that there is no harm being done. I guess im just having a little bit of a hard time. Because i care about him and i know how much she hurt him. So it upsets me he has to deal with her

[princessmaria]

No they don't she had a child with the guy she cheated on my SO with.


He laughs because he told me he thinks she is getting bored of her guy and thats why she is being nice to him, He even joked that he hopes the guy shes with cheats on her.

Verojoon - Thank you for being understanding and opening it up on a different side i understand all that now. I guess i did over react in a way. Not at him. But to myself. I am trying to cool down and see the bigger picture and that there is no harm being done. I guess im just having a little bit of a hard time. Because i care about him and i know how much she hurt him. So it upsets me he has to deal with her

I understand that feeling. It's perfectly normal to have some anger towards her since she hurt your SO. The best thing you can do for yourself and your SO is to stay level headed.

[temporaryuser]

What you need to be careful of is posting videos of the two of you. Because they are legally married it can make the divorce ugly. Even tho she cheated on him, two wrongs don't make a right and it depends on the judge how they see what is going on now.
How long were they married? Do they have kids together? Is the $600 a month alimony? He needs to realize that the longer he drags it out, the longer he will have to pay it. He isn't getting out of paying it to her, just delaying it
As for her checking out the video, I keep tabs on my exes gf. I think it is quite common. You should be thankful that he is willing to be own about the communication with her. He could keep it to himself and them you find out later. That to me would be much worse

[ThePiedPiper]

I agree with subeasly on the money front. Unless he doesn't plan to marry you too, then I don't see how he's getting out of paying her. Clarify for me?

That said, I agree with Moon. When it comes to exes or even current partners who are, genuinely, rotten people or people who don't have their shit together, you really only have two options, deal with it or don't, and if you choose not to deal with it, you're going to end up hurting a lot worse for it in the end. You can't change the situation, and if you don't want your SO telling you all the things she's texting him, then ask, but you need to find a way that doesn't cause you to get so hot and bothered (and personally I find cursing and making seething comments to be hot and bothered, if not lashing out) by the things that she says because the only person that ends up suffering for it is you. Trust your SO to handle the situation appropriately, and don't expect him to always be on your side. Him disagreeing with you or defending her doesn't automatically mean he doesn't see her behaviour for what she is, that he's forgetting what she did, or that he's somehow choosing her/her side over yours. I think anyone would defend their ex (or anyone, really) when the intentions, generally, come across as good and when their current SO is seeing them as somehow malicious. I think it's more a matter of presenting the likely alternative, as opposed to defending her. But in the end, I do think you need to learn to breathe and find a way to not get so triggered. Like it or not, being married, she's a part of his immediate life, legally if not personally, and it's only going to damage you and your relationship if you continuously let that fact bother you.

[Dezface]

I didn't read through the replies but you way, way overreacted. People, especially married people, come with a past. You're lucky the ex is being civil. It could be so much worse.