am I overreacting?

[DropkickDisco]

Let me begin with a little background story.


I take you back about 5 months ago. me and Brian were on the phone and I was about to go to his photobucket page to look for something. I did, and stumbled upon half naked pictures of his ex girlfriend. I told him NOTHING. I acted like I hadn't even looked at it yet, just to see what he would do. (I was NOT being nosey. I was looking for a picture I KNEW he had on there.)

I told him I was about to go look at his photobucket. he said hold on and I said okay. after a minute he said "alright go for it." and I did. the pictures... were gone. I snapped. the instant I said his full name he knew he was caught. I asked him why he would do that and he said he paniced and had a lapse in judgement. he apologized continuously and I finally forgave him for it.

as I told him before. as much as I hated that he still had those pictures, I hated more that he went behind my back, was sneaky, and deleted them. it was very immature.

now I bring you to present day.

I have very frequent nightmares. a lot of the time about Brian. I've had SEVERAL nightmares where Brian cheated on me, and left me, for a girl named Brittney. why this name? I have no idea and never had. I never could figure it out. when I mentioned this to him not too long ago, he said it made no sense.

he always says he would never do anything to hurt me, and he loves me. I've always believed that. he always tells me that nobody else is as beautiful, perfect and amazing as I am. I try to believe him. he always tells me that he could never be with anybody but me. I try to believe him.

last night I had another "brittney dream" and woke up bawling my eyes out. it took me a long time to realize it was just a dream.

today I logged onto facebook and, as always, went to his profile. not to be nosey, simply to see if he updated his status or anything like that. we both frequent eachother's facebooks. I seen there "Brian commented on Brittney ****'s photo"

I was curious. immensely. especially after the dream I had last night. I couldn't help it. I clicked.

keep in mind I have massive trust issues, AND jealousy issues. I've been hurt badly many times, and really have a hard time trusting anybody. even Brian. I have always assumed I would get hurt.

I see his comment:
"still cute as always "

I freak. Brian has said himself he doesn't make a point to tell a girl she's cute or pretty unless she has feelings for him. this combined with her name and the dream I had last night, AND the previous photobucket incident... I freaked beyond freakishness.

so I need to know...
am I overreacting, or do I have a legitimate reason to be angry? I still haven't said anything to him. so should I? or should I just pretend I never even seen it? I feel like a giant, creepy stalker but I had NO intentions of being nosey. help?

[pytsip]

It's tough to say, to me, it all depends on Brian's personality. Other than this incident 5 months ago, has he ever given you a reason for you to not trust him? Does he have a lot of female friends? My boyfriend has quite a few gal pals, and for him to comment on one of their pictures and say something like that, I wouldn't really be upset with him, but since I don't know Brian, I can't make that judgement.

I wouldn't confront him about the picture comment, could be as simple as she is a younger sister of one of his friends or something. Maybe if it brings closure to you, you might just want to mention that you had the nightmare again. Tell him you don't understand why you keep having these nightmares. Don't accuse him of anything because with the information that you have, you'd really just be jumping to conclusions. But see what his reaction is to you telling him about it again.

I wouldn't say you're overreacting, gut feelings are gut feelings, but I wouldn't freak on him yet, just try to communicate it with him that the dreams are still bothering you and that you're just worried, not that you think he's doing anything, but you just really don't understand why you keep having these recurring dreams.

[DropkickDisco]

other than the other incident before, not really, he hasn't. as far as female friends go? it's not really a lot but he has a few. I know she isn't a younger sister of one of his friends or anything like that, but yeah. I think I'm gonna mention the dream to him, but it's very hard for me to not just jump up and say "AHA! MY GUT WAS RIGHT!" my trust issues go beyond what they should. I've been cheated on before and the idea of losing Brian scares me... a lot.

thank you. I appreciate your input.

[Lunar Snow]

Okay, I will preface my comment by saying that I have jealousy and trust issues, too. So, I am not the most unbiased person to offer a comment, but maybe I can offer a perspective that is a bit different.

I agree with Pytsip about personality and would add the stage the relationship is at and what previous agreements or discussions have been had about flirting, etc. My SO tends to be more reserved in comments like that and is more protective about what he says and shows on Facebook or other public domains, so if I found a comment like that it would be strange. The stage our relationship is at is also not ready to take flirty comments, etc. (we're having some trust and jealousy issues right now and we both have a rather unsaid agreement that comments like that wouldn't help right now). Lastly, he and I started off our official relationship by outlining what constitutes cheating for us (yes, not everyone will agree, but remember that this was mutually agreed upon by he and I and he even surprised me with the extent) and described flirting with the intent to seduce/ go further into any of the areas we outlined as cheating wasn't okay for us.

Maybe it's just me, but the combination of the other experiences, the recurrent dreams, and now the Facebook comment seem bizarrely prophetic or self-fulfilling. I guess what I am trying to say with that is again, I agree that you need to think about the situation in a calm, clear way and attempt to approach him in much the same manner. However, I think that these dreams are causing serious anxiety for you (and what he did with the photobucket situation in the past was seriously jerky, I agree) and you should bring up the situation with him somehow. Perhaps, telling him about the dreams is the way to go (but I would be tempted to slip in the name of the girl in the dream--a subtle reminder of his Facebook comment).

Edit: I was typing this up as you were posting your next comment. I know the feeling of it welling up and one just wanting to shout out and revel in the confirmation. What could help with that is talking to him about the dreams as soon as you can--stewing in it and going over your own jealousy and feelings may just increase a propensity to react in a way that might hinder the conversation you need to have with him. Perhaps, you could write down some key points you want to say and which sound reasonable and try not to veer off of them if you feel like you're going to blow your lid. Also, please excuse some of the grammar and punctuation mistakes I made...I was reading it over and cringing, but I think it is still decipherable.

[pytsip]

I know your frustration, and it's hard to deal with trust issues in a long distance relationship, but I think what you need to think about is the fact that he hasn't given you any reasons other than the pictures thing, you've been cheated on before, but Brian isn't that guy. Before my boyfriend and I started dating, he was my best friend and I knew everything about him, some things that I would rather have not known, I have been cheated on before as well and my boyfriend has a history of being a cheater, but at the same time you've got to consider your relationship now. To really get over the trust issues, you have to put past relationships well, in the past. There are times where I wonder if my boyfriend is being faithful, but at the same time, I realize that the relationship we have, I trust. I may not trust his past or my past, but I trust this. So really what this comes down to is you have to ask yourself, setting aside what has happened in the past with other men, is Brian someone that you can trust?

And honestly, the truth about long distance relationships is that going into one you have to ask yourself the question is it worth it and both partners have to agree on the fact that it is. I think that this fact in itself should give you some comfort in knowing he is someone you can trust. He didn't have to date you, or stay with you, but he chose to which means that ultimately he wants to be with you and I don't think that he would be cheating on you if he felt that way, he could have just as easily said that the relationship wouldn't work because of the distance.

[DropkickDisco]

Lunar:

Brian and I also basically agreed that flirting with intent to seduce/go further IS cheating. he never really says things like that either, and that's WHY I thought it was odd. if he was good friends with this girl (which I know he isn't) and he was more of the type to say "hey, you're pretty" or whatever to other girls, I wouldn't find thsi weird. but because he is (as you said) more reserved in things like this except towards me, that's why I thought it was weird. I'm having a very hard time figuring out how to bring this up in a way that doesn't scream "hey, I'm a creepy stalker and you have to hide everything from me because if I find out I'll tweak!"


pytsip:

in the back of my mind, I keep wondering if I would still feel this way if we WEREN'T in an LDR, and most of me says I would. although the whole idea of thinking "wow, he could cheat on me and I'd NEVER find out" doesn't help. he's openly had me meet his friends and family, which also makes me think he MUST be serious about me (which, he's said that himself) but in the back of my mind I still wonder, you know? as far as I know, Brian hasn't ever cheated on anybody else before, which does help. but at the same time my mind wanders off to "well he probably is lacking affection or something, and running to other girls!"

none of this makes sense, I know. but it's just how my mind works...

[Lunar Snow]

I would be upset if I saw the same thing, too. Again, people may not agree with me, but when one signs up for Facebook, he/she should be fully cognizant that Facebook grants the potential for any information you display on it to be found publicly and also entails a certain extent of voyeurism, because one also wants to see other peoples' information, etc. It's silly to say, "well, I'm going to sign up for Facebook, but I am not going to put any of my information on it or look at any one else's"--what's the point of that? As you say, too, you look at each other's profiles frequently--there's nothing weird about that, and when you stumble onto a comment that is out of character (and potentially against your agreed upon relationship boundaries) right there for all to see, I don't think you are overreacting. Whew, sorry! That got mixed in with my rant about the general stance of looking at stuff on Facebook. The problem is that there is sort of a general (though vastly hypocritical) stance out there on creeping (although, I bet every single person on Facebook has participated in some sort of creeping), so I see your dilemma.

I think that focusing on the dreams, then, may still be the way to go. It's not like you are saying that some sort of assumed infidelity has happened and is making you suffer with these dreams. Rather, part of being an SO is demonstrating companionate feelings, etc. That means that you should be able to go to him and talk, in safety, about these dreams that are so disruptive for you and he, in turn, should try to help kindly work through them with you. That said, really mentioning the name Britney continuing in the dreams and it seeming strange and troubling to you might open up a chance for him to say something about the Facebook post, without a need for you to directly say that you noticed his comment.

(Aside: I'm trying to deal with the situation at hand, because I know it is bothering you and I hope I am conveying that you shouldn't go catastrophic on him, but I am hoping to show you that you aren't the only one out there feelings this way and that I think he should be there as a support for you and you should be able to talk to him about these things. I think pytsip is doing a good job of talking about the bigger picture. DropkickDisco, does your SO know about the cheating you have experienced in past relationships? If not, maybe a discussion about that could help him to know where you are coming from a bit more).

[pytsip]

I think pytsip is doing a good job of talking about the bigger picture. DropkickDisco, does your SO know about the cheating you have experienced in past relationships? If not, maybe a discussion about that could help him to know where you are coming from a bit more).

I definitely am, but as I said before, mentioning the dreams, and obviously I think that because of what Lunar is saying is right about facebook, you definitely need to mention the fact that this girl's name is Brittney that you're dreaming about. You said that you both check each others facebooks on a regular basis, so by mentioning this I think that it might get across the fact that you saw the comment without sounding like you're accusing him of anything. It's definitely about keeping your cool and not accusing him of anything, you don't want to force him to be defensive, you want to have a productive conversation about it because that's how you're going to get your answers. I'm just also pointing out that once you do have this conversation with him and if it goes smoothly and you find out that the truth isn't what you think it is, that then you need to work on preventing it from happening again, which is where the whole advice on the bigger picture comes in. Good luck with the conversation, I hope you get the answers that you want to hear and i hope everything works out

[paulawriteslove]

I think that you should talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. When you talk to him make sure you are calm and don't freak out while talking to him.

[LadyMarchHare]

That is rather odd that your subconscious has clung on to a specific name, but chances are it's not because of something like this. Our dreams pull things from our lives and faces are ones we've seen in passing but don't remember, yet our brain does. Dreams can't predict the future, though I still have to admit that's weird, but Brittney's a common name. I had two best friends with that name in elementary school, funny thing being they were both twits.

Can you see anything on this girl's profile that would hint as to how they know one another, maybe a mutual friend? I mean really for all you know at the moment she's the sister of a friend or some cousin. The comment he left is harmless since I know a lot of guys use the term 'cute' loosely and with girls they see as sister figures. Had he used terms like 'hot' or 'sexy' or 'smoking' then yeah I'd be climbing the walls too.

As for bringing it up, you kinda can't help seeing his activity on FB if you're friends there. That thing tells your friends everything unless you manually go to your profile and delete it. So I wouldn't think in this case you'd be seen as some stalker person because really, it's public. If this is the first time he's ever commented on her stuff then I can't be TOO concerned as to just who she is. If you're able to see a backlog of similar comments either on her wall or photos, then it might be time to say something. My suggestion would be a less serious approach since it obviously is a big deal to you and rather jokingly say, "hey how come you don't call me cute too?" You want to get the point across but you don't want to make this into a bigger deal than it needs to be.

Also about those ex photos: That's... really rude. Lapse of judgment or no, when you go into a new relationship you delete them suckers off your hard drive and off any photo hosting site. Technically you could have reported them since photobucket doesn't allow stuff like that. Even places like imageshack.us will go in and delete stuff they find risque. Hopefully he isn't keeping them, that's tacky.

[DropkickDisco]

he vaguely knows of the cheating in the past, but not in great detail. I'll try and bring it up to him without freaking out. thanks guys. I appreciate the help and that you didn't tell me I was a clingy psychopath.


Edit: didn't see your comment, ladymarch.

I said that too. he has a password on his photobucket now. which makes me wonder a lot, too. I very much considered the joke approach, which I think I might do. I know they're not related, and that she's not a sister of a friend. either way.
I am still VERY scared to bring it up at all. he knows I have massive trust issues, and that I can be kinda clingy and possessive. however, I want him to know he can talk to me and he shouldn't have to be afraid of stuff like that. I don't want him to think he has to hide things from me. I dunno.

I agree about the pictures thing. even BEFORE I got with Brian, after I broke up with my ex everything to do with him was GONE, as well as with my other ex. however, Brian is still friends with a few of his exes. which also makes me a bit uncomfortable.

[pytsip]

you're a clingy psychopath.. haha just kidding, no you're not, I check my boyfriend's facebook every day also, and I actually also check his best friend's facebook who he's there with, and I'm going to go ahead and say that Belvy's best friend's girlfriend does the same thing considering that almost everything I post on Belvy's wall she comments on. It's just human nature, you love someone and you're not with them, you want to know what they're up to, good or bad, and when you see questionable things maybe not even "questionable" but just ironic things on their facebook's, you're gonna check them out.

[Rhiavaan]

First off, I hate facebook. It causes more problems than not between Sean and I. Now onto the heart of your discomfort. The jealousy and trust issues. One, he was wrong to put a pass on his photobucket. A man in love would not keep his other half out, period. Two, the comment on the girl's pic. Ask him straight out if he has feelings for the girl, ask him when you can cam and see his facial reaction. Third, you must gain trust to earn it. It does not sound like he is trying to do that. If I'm off base, smack me but I smell something fishy and I am a paranoid witch. Until he proves to you completely to your satisfaction I would not trust him.

I don't mean to sound like a witch but I've been played more often than not in my online life. So, yes, I am wary of your Brian.

[DropkickDisco]

he still isn't home for me to talk to him about it, and I definitely planned to do it on cam. which sucks because that means it won't be until later (but thankfully, tonight is our skype night.) when I asked him why he put a password on it (this was while he was at myh ouse) he shrugged and said "you have one on yours" to which I told him "yes but I've had one since we got together and I told you before I'd give you the password if you wanted it." he just kinda didn't say anything except sorry.

I'm trying VERY hard to trust him, and for me asking "do you have feelings for this girl?" based on him just calling her cute, would be a bit much. as I said before, I'm trying to stay calm, rational and not jump to conclusions, and I already feel like a clingy stalker. I personally love facebook, it's how me and Brian met in the first place. I'm also VERY paranoid, and that's not helping at all.

another thing that hasn't helped is that, although he doesn't know it, since he's went back home I've been putting a LOT of effort into a gift I'm making him. lots of time, money and love. it's very special and important. all of this is making me wonder if I should even bother, you know?

[Zephii]

I'm a jealous person too, but I realise that accusing someone of something they have not done is a very quick way to ruin the relationship.

Now, IMO, if it's on the internet, it isn't snooping - it's right there for the world to see. There's nothing wrong with a little facebook stalking, and anyone who tells you looking at your boyfriend's page is creepy are just daft. But, that's beside the point. If someone will cheat, being long distance isn't going to matter. I've heard people use the excuse that waiting inbetween visits was too much, they had a fling to take the edge off or whatever, but I'm pretty sure that's bullshit, plain and simple. Being long distance makes it a little easier to hide too, but honestly (coming from someone who has cheated in the past) it isn't that hard to cheat on someone even if you live with them and they are unemployed and home all day every day. Seriously.

Just talk to him. Don't fly off your handle or anything. A simple "I noticed the comment you left on her page and I was just wondering how you know her, because I don't feel that kind of thing is really appropreate" should suffice.
Good luck