No Contact

[Chris516]

I was debating going NC where my fiance(she lives with her elderly parents') is concerned, after her mother told me a couple days ago when I called(her mother rarely answers the phone when I call), that my fiance would call me back. My fiance never did call me back. I called again last night, and the same response. Her mother answered the phone and told me the same thing. I was thinking of going NC after my fiance never returned my call of a few days ago but decided against it. Now I think I have to. This is a sad day.

[redapple]

I understand that being ignored is hard and obviously your relationship isn't in a good place but why would you waste money on going to see somebody who is treating you so badly?

[Chris516]

I understand that being ignored is hard and obviously your relationship isn't in a good place but why would you waste money on going to see somebody who is treating you so badly?

A number of things, because it isn't 'cut and dry':

1. She has OCD, and it is a common behavior of those with OCD, to push away, those that are most precious to them.

2. She has treated me, far better than my (ex)wife and (ex)fiance, combined. Even though communication at times, has come in waves since Nov.' 2011.

3. No one is perfect.

4. She accepted me from the first day, despite my serious health problems, which have scared other women away.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

2. She has treated me, far better than my (ex)wife and (ex)fiance, combined. Even though communication at times, has come in waves since Nov.' 2011.

I think you need to stop comparing how she treats you compared to how your exes treated you. Just because someone treats you better than some who treated you badly doesnt necessarily mean they're treating you well. And right now, she isn't treating you well.

On the no contact, I don't see how not trying to sort out problems with someone you're in a relationship helps anything. If you join in with the game playing, you're only going to make it harder to solve the problem.

If I were you, I'd reach out to her, let her know that you're ready and wanting to talk to her whenever she's ready, and leave her alone after you've assured her you're there for her when she's ready. Going full blown no contact without actually letting her know you're around will make her think that you don't care, and then she'll believe she was right to ignore your calls.

[Chris516]

I think you need to stop comparing how she treats you compared to how your exes treated you. Just because someone treats you better than some who treated you badly doesnt necessarily mean they're treating you well. And right now, she isn't treating you well.

On the no contact, I don't see how not trying to sort out problems with someone you're in a relationship helps anything. If you join in with the game playing, you're only going to make it harder to solve the problem.

If I were you, I'd reach out to her, let her know that you're ready and wanting to talk to her whenever she's ready, and leave her alone after you've assured her you're there for her when she's ready. Going full blown no contact without actually letting her know you're around will make her think that you don't care, and then she'll believe she was right to ignore your calls.

I have been told before, not to 'compare'. But it is never a clear 'black n' white' situation. Because 'society' perpetuates the thinking that if a person isn't 'perfect' they are not worth being with in any way, shape, of fashion. If I looked at it like a clear 'black and white' situation, I would have broken up with her, a long time ago. I would have to be uncaring and unfeeling about what she goes through(OCD). I have also manage to look at her OCD positively, instead of negatively, because she doesn't use it against me. My ex's did use their 'health' against me. Yes that is comparing, but that is also saying, that I don't need a woman to fit into a mold to be appreciated by me.

I totally agree with you, on how 'no-contact' would not solve problems. It just feels like we are already in NC status, since I rarely hear from her. Last week she called me back when she thought I was ill, when I made two immediately successive calls. But this week, when something did happen(I tripped and fell, nearly breaking my nose), I tried to tell her, but her mother sounded like she didn't want to hear it, so I didn't tell her.

As for reaching out to her, I have done a lot of that. Since the Fall of 2011, communication has been spotty. I also learned one thing over the years, that even if she says something isn't because of her OCD, it still could be. I have seen/read a lot of stuff about people with OCD and how they will push people away out of guilt about their OCD. She has tried to push me away many times. But I don't give up on her. In 2010, she even wrote me a long note that she posted on my Facebook Wall. Thanking me for having so much love and patience with her, where others would have thrown in the towel long ago.

[LadyDaemon]

I have been told before, not to 'compare'. But it is never a clear 'black n' white' situation. Because 'society' perpetuates the thinking that if a person isn't 'perfect' in every way, they are not worth being with in any way, shape, of fashion. If I looked at it like a clear 'black and white' situation, I would have broken up with her, a long time ago. I would have to be uncaring and unfeeling about what she goes through(OCD). I have also manage to look at her OCD positively, instead of negatively, because she doesn't use it against me. My ex's did use their 'health' against me. Yes that is comparing, but that is also saying, that I don't need a woman to fit into a mold to be appreciated by me.

I totally agree with you, on how 'no-contact' would not solve problems. It just feels like we are already in NC status, since I rarely hear from her. Last week she called me back when she thought I was ill, when I made two immediately successive calls. But this week, when something did happen(I tripped and fell, nearly breaking my nose), I tried to tell her, but her mother sounded like she didn't want to hear it, so I didn't tell her.

As for reaching out to her, I have done a lot of that. Since the Fall of 2011, communication has been spotty. I also learned one thing over the years, that even if she says something isn't because of her OCD, it still could be. I have seen/read a lot of stuff about people with OCD and how they will push people away out of guilt about their OCD. She has tried to push me away many times. But I don't give up on her. In 2010, she even wrote me a long note that she posted on my Facebook Wall. Thanking me for having so much love and patience with her, where others would have thrown in the towel long ago.

It's not about it not being a "black and white situation" or comparing her to societies standards. It's about the hard facts and the hard fact is that she hasn't really spoken to you in 2 years. You're both justifying her behavior with OCD and that's not helping matters. There are tons of people who have varying forms of OCD and they don't just not contact their boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses. I have a milder form of OCD and so does my fiance but we didn't just not speak to each other when we were LD because of it. It may make people feel guilty,but rarely if ever does it make them stop talking to people. And just because you look at the facts and don't accept them for what they are as far as her not hardly contacting you,doesn't make you mean or unfeeling. It makes you a human being with needs dealing with a person who isn't fulfilling those needs and you're enabling it. If her OCD is such to the point that she can't contact you then I think that says she needs to seek some professional help.

See,the fact that she wouldn't even come to the phone after you damn near busted your face after falling says something too. If my fiance had fallen and done that or anything else I'd of been running and tripping over stuff trying to get to the phone to find out what was going on. She didn't even attempt to talk to you. What if something serious had happened and she didn't answer the phone? Are you just gonna chalk it up to her OCD then too? That would be ridiculous and unfair to you.

You're making excuses for her. You're not holding her accountable for the way she's treating you and you need to or nothing will ever get resolved. She will keep doing what she's been doing. There's a difference between having some high unrealistic standard/expectation of a person and holding them accountable when their actions are hurting you be that emotionally or otherwise. You need to sit down and talk to her about not contacting you like she should. When you're in a relationship,especially LDR,communication is extremely important and she's not giving you that. If she can't give you contact,then maybe you need to start thinking about whether or not you should stay. 2 years is a really long time to let this go on.

[Chris516]

It's not about it not being a "black and white situation" or comparing her to societies standards. It's about the hard facts and the hard fact is that she hasn't really spoken to you in 2 years. You're both justifying her behavior with OCD and that's not helping matters. There are tons of people who have varying forms of OCD and they don't just not contact their boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses. I have a milder form of OCD and so does my fiance but we didn't just not speak to each other when we were LD because of it. It may make people feel guilty,but rarely if ever does it make them stop talking to people. And just because you look at the facts and don't accept them for what they are as far as her not hardly contacting you,doesn't make you mean or unfeeling. It makes you a human being with needs dealing with a person who isn't fulfilling those needs and you're enabling it. If her OCD is such to the point that she can't contact you then I think that says she needs to seek some professional help.

See,the fact that she wouldn't even come to the phone after you damn near busted your face after falling says something too. If my fiance had fallen and done that or anything else I'd of been running and tripping over stuff trying to get to the phone to find out what was going on. She didn't even attempt to talk to you. What if something serious had happened and she didn't answer the phone? Are you just gonna chalk it up to her OCD then too? That would be ridiculous and unfair to you.

You're making excuses for her. You're not holding her accountable for the way she's treating you and you need to or nothing will ever get resolved. She will keep doing what she's been doing. There's a difference between having some high unrealistic standard/expectation of a person and holding them accountable when their actions are hurting you be that emotionally or otherwise. You need to sit down and talk to her about not contacting you like she should. When you're in a relationship,especially LDR,communication is extremely important and she's not giving you that. If she can't give you contact,then maybe you need to start thinking about whether or not you should stay. 2 years is a really long time to let this go on.

I do hold her accountable. Also, Yes, In an LDR communication is extremely important. She has been trying to push me away, out of guilt. Even though she denies it.

[LadyDaemon]

I do hold her accountable. Also, Yes, In an LDR communication is extremely important. She has been trying to push me away, out of guilt. Even though she denies it.

Ok,correct me if I'm wrong but you've been with her for 6 years total right? Then if this is the case,why has she just now started to do this over the last 2 years and not through your entire relationship? To me it doesn't make very much sense that because of her OCD she wouldn't act this way for the first 4 years and then suddenly start acting like this over the last 2? That doesn't say to me at all that this is an OCD issue.

[Chris516]

Ok,correct me if I'm wrong but you've been with her for 6 years total right? Then if this is the case,why has she just now started to do this over the last 2 years and not through your entire relationship? To me it doesn't make very much sense that because of her OCD she wouldn't act this way for the first 4 years and then suddenly start acting like this over the last 2? That doesn't say to me at all that this is an OCD issue.

That is a very logical question and yes, we have been together six years. The key to OCD is obsessing, and compulsively reacting to those obsessive thoughts. When we first became a couple, she would obsess on me a lot. But I responded to each obsessive thought diplomatically. Also that, in today's society seemingly OCD-like behaviors decades ago, are commonplace or somewhat commonplace today i.e. carrying hand sanitizer on your person, putting a paper cover on a toilet seat in a public restroom, using eye and/or hearing protection in a machine shop, the use of a breathing mask to avoid ingesting scraps of whatever you might be working with/on.

Now, Why things changed in the Fall of 2011, I think it has to do with a short period of time after having been 'intimate' during my visit out their. She saw something on her and immediately started thinking STD again(I had already done a complete battery of STD testing more than a year before this and got a clean slate). So when she wanted me to do a second battery of STD testing, I refused outright. Additionally, She has a lot of guilt about her OCD and my not being out there permanently. I would live out there on my own, if I didn't have three potentially fatal physical health issues. I would prefer to be living with her, instead of on my own.

She is a hoarder, which is an OCD-related issue for her.

[Biddlybiddlybombop]

I have been told before, not to 'compare'. But it is never a clear 'black n' white' situation. Because 'society' perpetuates the thinking that if a person isn't 'perfect' they are not worth being with in any way, shape, of fashion. If I looked at it like a clear 'black and white' situation, I would have broken up with her, a long time ago. I would have to be uncaring and unfeeling about what she goes through(OCD). I have also manage to look at her OCD positively, instead of negatively, because she doesn't use it against me. My ex's did use their 'health' against me. Yes that is comparing, but that is also saying, that I don't need a woman to fit into a mold to be appreciated by me.

I totally agree with you, on how 'no-contact' would not solve problems. It just feels like we are already in NC status, since I rarely hear from her. Last week she called me back when she thought I was ill, when I made two immediately successive calls. But this week, when something did happen(I tripped and fell, nearly breaking my nose), I tried to tell her, but her mother sounded like she didn't want to hear it, so I didn't tell her.

As for reaching out to her, I have done a lot of that. Since the Fall of 2011, communication has been spotty. I also learned one thing over the years, that even if she says something isn't because of her OCD, it still could be. I have seen/read a lot of stuff about people with OCD and how they will push people away out of guilt about their OCD. She has tried to push me away many times. But I don't give up on her. In 2010, she even wrote me a long note that she posted on my Facebook Wall. Thanking me for having so much love and patience with her, where others would have thrown in the towel long ago.

I'm not saying that someone needs to be perfect to be worthwhile in a relationship. What I am saying is don't ignore the things that ARE wrong just because you can think of something worse. Just because I've had relationships with people who were emotionally abusive doesn't mean it's ok for my current SO to not talk to me. I think you're being overly accepting of negative behaviour just because this negative behaviour is preferable to worse behaviour that you've experienced.

By reach out to her, I mean send her a message that clarifies what course of action you're planning to take, e.g "I'm here for you, you don't seem to want to talk, so I'm going to leave you alone so you can have some space, I love you, I'll be here for you when you're ready to talk". And then if you're going to wait for her to contact you, wait for her to contact you.

To be honest, I don't know where any of this is really going to get you. She's not talking to you, she hasn't been properly for two years, you don't know why she's not talking to you, you don't know when she will talk to you again. Even if you go no contact, there's no real telling when she'll contact you.

You can't solve a problem you don't know about and it sounds like, with her, she's having a massive problem that you're not aware of. If she's not prepared to tell you, I don't know what else you can actually do to get your relationship back on track. I wish you the best, but you seem pretty stuck in a corner here...

[Black_Halloween]

Honestly, it sounds like you're making excuses for her.

[LadyDaemon]

That is a very logical question and yes, we have been together six years. The key to OCD is obsessing, and compulsively reacting to those obsessive thoughts. When we first became a couple, she would obsess on me a lot. But I responded to each obsessive thought diplomatically. Also that, in today's society seemingly OCD-like behaviors decades ago, are commonplace or somewhat commonplace today i.e. carrying hand sanitizer on your person, putting a paper cover on a toilet seat in a public restroom, using eye and/or hearing protection in a machine shop, the use of a breathing mask to avoid ingesting scraps of whatever you might be working with/on.

Now, Why things changed in the Fall of 2011, I think it has to do with a short period of time after having been 'intimate' during my visit out their. She saw something on her and immediately started thinking STD again(I had already done a complete battery of STD testing more than a year before this and got a clean slate). So when she wanted me to do a second battery of STD testing, I refused outright. Additionally, She has a lot of guilt about her OCD and my not being out there permanently. I would live out there on my own, if I didn't have three potentially fatal physical health issues. I would prefer to be living with her, instead of on my own.

She is a hoarder, which is an OCD-related issue for her.

Well,I will say that I agree with Biddly on this. It seems as though you're backed into a corner. You can reach out to her and let her know that you understand and that you're there for her and then wait for her to respond or you can continue things as they are,which may damage your relationship further. The thing I think you need to ask yourself though,is if things were to remain as they are way past this point,what kind of life would that be for you or her? Could you stay and handle it? because it seems as though you're having a hard time handling it as it is. I think you need to start asking yourself some serious questions and take a break from it until you know without a doubt you have your answers.

[Moon]

Chris, I admire your loyalty, but at some point you have to take your own happiness and consideration into account. Relationships are supposed to enhance your life in a positive way, and I just don't see how this one could be doing that. It's great that your so committed, but you have to ask yourself at what point is it too much? How long are you willing to sacrifice of your life? Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, you know

I'm not saying you should just give up on her, but you need to initiate and insist on change here, or else you're going to have a very lonely life. You can make excuses for her actions forever if you want, but unless you do something about it, at least make her speak to you regularly, you'll never be able to be happy. She sounds like she needs the push, or else she'll have just as bad of a time. Good luck

[LadyDaemon]

Chris, I admire your loyalty, but at some point you have to take your own happiness and consideration into account. Relationships are supposed to enhance your life in a positive way, and I just don't see how this one could be doing that. It's great that your so committed, but you have to ask yourself at what point is it too much? How long are you willing to sacrifice of your life? Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, you know

I'm not saying you should just give up on her, but you need to initiate and insist on change here, or else you're going to have a very lonely life. You can make excuses for her actions forever if you want, but unless you do something about it, at least make her speak to you regularly, you'll never be able to be happy. She sounds like she needs the push, or else she'll have just as bad of a time. Good luck

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