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**snow_girl** · July 23, 2013, 12:56 AM

Woman naturally have wider hips then men for bearing children.

**Dezface** · July 23, 2013, 01:02 AM

I get that weight is a touchy subject for you, but let's look at this realistically. Women usually do have bigger hips than a man. We're built that way for childbirth. Biological fact. At no time did this friend say you have "big" hips, just possibly bigger than your SO. Which, like I stated above, is perfectly logical.

As far as your SO standing up for you, what was he supposed to do? He said it was a bad choice of words. The friend didn't insult you so there was nothing to defend. I think your SO is right in that you did, in fact, take it the wrong way.

Sometimes things hit us the wrong way even when it's seemingly harmless to everyone else. But you shouldn't get all worked up over this one little incident because it is seriously not a big deal.

**ThePiedPiper** · July 23, 2013, 01:04 AM

I agree with snow_girl. It has nothing to do with your weight so much as it has to do with the build of your body. I fit into the jeans of my overweight ex perfectly, despite having a smaller waist and being more fit.

Also, I don't think it's fair to bring up to your SO that he didn't defend you when he does not know the extent of the issues you struggle with. To me it sounds less like he was defending his friend and more like he was trying to give you some perspective. His friend hardly meant anything negative about your weight and I think your SO was asserting that. Does that mean you, who struggles with your weight and with eating disorder issues, can't be upset by it? No, but I do think you need to look at your SO's behaviour more rationally and realise that if you don't tell him there's anything to defend, he was probably trying to remedy the situation in the best way he knew how. :/ I think if it's anything you need to bring up to your SO, it's not why he didn't "defend you" but the issues and why you were so triggered in the first place so that he might be more sensitive to you and those issues in the future.

**aniay** · July 23, 2013, 01:54 AM

I think he shouldn't have said that you've taken it the wrong way. It's your feelings and they are always right. We wouldn't react as you did, but it was you in that situation.

If I were you I'd tell your SO how that situation made you feel. That you feel he stood up for his friend and not you, that comments like that hurts you. I'd also let him know about the eating disorder.

Look how he reacts when he knows all the data.

Good luck and one more advice, sometimes men says things that they won't think through, I learned to inform them how that made me feel, it depends on the guy how he reacts. Some will disregard, others will think it through and never do it again.

**chizatlauren** · July 23, 2013, 02:04 AM

We do have bigger hips than most men simply because we're women, dear. I think the person who said that didn't mean to humiliate you or anything.

**princessmaria** · July 23, 2013, 02:19 AM

I agree with what everyone else said here. My SO weighs more than I do but my hips are still wider than his. That's the way our bodies are naturally and I doubt his friend meant it to hurt your feelings. I think you should tell your SO about your eating disorder issues though so in the future he will know to comfort you in that type of situation.

**lifeatitsbest** · July 23, 2013, 02:33 AM

thanks so much for the replies guys! much appreciated! so glad i posted this & got input before starting an unnecessary argument or something

**PrincessJOE** · July 23, 2013, 02:36 AM

Like everyone else said, women do have wider hips than man (its the 'shape' of the bones themselves, not something due to weight or anything). our shapes are slightly different cos we are supposed to carry a baby someday, if you have a look at an anatomy picture, you'll see they point out how the lower 'hole' made by the bones in a man is like a triangle, while in a woman its pretty round.
I can understand it was a bad sentence for you cos you re not too confident about your body, but think about it as a natural thing really

and most of all, never forget your SO loves you the way you are

Good luck with everything

**Malaga** · July 23, 2013, 04:18 AM

Originally posted by lifeatitsbest View Post

the words stung so bad. weight is a very touchy subject for me and i struggle with eating disorder issues that my SO does not know about.

weeks later, i still can't forget it. it makes me think if my SO didn't stand up for me this time, he won't in the future either.

PiedPiper is right, if he didn't know you had an ED he couldn't have known how hurtful it is to you. You see, to anyone who's not suffering from ED this is honestly nothing at all, as you can see from the replies here. It's just an anatomical fact that's true for both skinny and chubby girls alike. He reacted like a good boyfriend anyway who tried to reassure you - not sure what you expected him to do, challenge his friend to a pistol duel at dawn?

If you're aware that you're suffering from ED, then you have to be aware that it's making you look at things like these from a distorted perspective. I understand you still feel troubled by that comment, but why don't you use your boyfriend's help to get a grasp of a more realistic perspective instead of feeling bad that he didn't join you in your unrealistic one? It would help you in your struggle with the ED.

**Malaga** · July 23, 2013, 04:36 AM

Originally posted by aniay View Post

I think he shouldn't have said that you've taken it the wrong way. It's your feelings and they are always right. We wouldn't react as you did, but it was you in that situation.

Your feelings aren't always right. It's one thing to acknowledge them, which he should always do, but something else to automatically accept that however you feel is right. Sometimes your feelings are just plain wrong because you completely misinterpreted the situation, and it's not him who should change but yourself. Not every issue deserves a confrontation, we should all do a little soul-searching first before we go for the "we should talk" conversations with our SOs.

Originally posted by aniay View Post

If I were you I'd tell your SO how that situation made you feel. That you feel he stood up for his friend and not you, that comments like that hurts you.

Do this if you want to add more drama to your relationship and make him feel bad for essentially doing the right thing. You should be open about your feelings with him, but you have to approach it from the right perspective. Do tell him about your ED and how that situation made you feel, but make sure he understands that you know you blew it out of proportion, it's just that you couldn't help it due to your ED. Make him your ally rather than your bodyguard.

**Moon** · July 23, 2013, 06:23 AM

Guys, especially younger ones, don't always say things in the smartest, most sensitive ways

He didn't mean it the way you took it, of course your hips are bigger, especially if he's a skinny guy. This is one you should just let go, it was simply a poor choice of words, not personal.

**aniay** · July 23, 2013, 02:18 PM

Originally posted by Malaga View Post

Your feelings aren't always right. It's one thing to acknowledge them, which he should always do, but something else to automatically accept that however you feel is right. Sometimes your feelings are just plain wrong because you completely misinterpreted the situation, and it's not him who should change but yourself. Not every issue deserves a confrontation, we should all do a little soul-searching first before we go for the "we should talk" conversations with our SOs.

Let's agree to disagree. Your feelings are right for you because you are feeling them. You can't unfeel something.

Our interpretation might be wrong but it doesn't change the fact that we felt particular way about something. We did. It's what we do with those feeling what matters.

Spend Hours of therapy learning to accept my feelings and learning how to deal with them.

**Malaga** · July 23, 2013, 03:12 PM

Originally posted by aniay View Post

Let's agree to disagree. Your feelings are right for you because you are feeling them. You can't unfeel something.

Our interpretation might be wrong but it doesn't change the fact that we felt particular way about something. We did. It's what we do with those feeling what matters.

Well, that's what I meant by acknowledging your feelings: accepting that they exist. True, what you do with them is what matters. And sometimes it means you have to accept that you overreacted or misinterpreted the situation - that you were wrong about something - and manage your feelings accordingly.
The problem here isn't that someone made a bitchy remark about the OP which is how she originally interpreted the situation, it's that she suffers from ED which, among else, makes her overreact to situations like this. So the solution isn't that nobody ever says anything she might possibly interpret as bitchy, but that she understands what her feelings truly reflect - an eating disorder which screws with her perspective.

**alizee** · July 24, 2013, 01:51 AM

I understand that what he said was not a smart thing to say, but just forget it, as we (women) have said many stupid things (I know I have) and regret later. Has he apollogised to you???? Maybe he things he said nothing wrong, so he didn*t say it with a bad heart. If you still can*t forget what he said, you should bring that into conversation and try to explain (in a smart way) that you didn*t like what he said and ask him to be a little cautious later, because it is a thing that is bothering you and he should be very careful. If he continues to be in the same way (even before you told him!!!) then it mean he has no consideration for you and he doesn*t deserve you.

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words hurt... can't seem to forget it...

words hurt... can't seem to forget it...

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