Complete Confusion

[sploofmoof]

First of all I've been looking around the site for a while but never decided to post anything until just now. Me and My SO have been together for over 3 years now, and recently I've been planning on moving over there with her. Recently there have been complications however and now we're currently separated while she thinks things out.

The thing is, she's been having feelings for an ex she was with just before I started to date her. She's been taking the time off to see if she's falling for him or not, and I've been trying to be there to support her through it as I know it's a tough decision for her. But it's been driving me through an emotional rollercoaster and I've made her mad at me trying to talk about it.

I have no idea what to do, I know I must have done something wrong or am currently doing something wrong, I have no problem with the other guy personally particularly. But we've been together for three years and now she has to take the time to see if she's falling in love with an ex? I'm hurt, and confused and I have no idea what to do, I'm deathly afraid of losing her.

[LadyMarchHare]

It's nothing you've done, I'll say that right now. First off, that's a huge offense to you that she waits three years and the moment you take the leap to move where she is to come out with this and wedge emotional distance between you two. That isn't fair to you and, to me, that speaks volumes about how she really feels. I personally don't believe you can be in love with two people at the same time. She obviously never got over this guy and may have been using you to try. I don't want to sound accusing on that, but it's a possibility. You have every right to be hurt.

Personally I'd be asking her why it took her so long to "realize" she might still want this guy and just how she thinks you're supposed to be OK with that when you've been together three years and are giving up so much for her out of love. There's really no way for her to rightfully play the victim. My reluctant advice is basically you lost her for the most part already and you're essentially better off without her. It doesn't take you three years in a good relationship to randomly decide you love a guy you left/who left you more. That takes less than six months in a mediocre relationship, which I can guess this isn't since you obviously love her. I'm sorry you're going through this, you don't deserve that sort of hurt and insult to your person and your feelings.

[Butterfly-x]

LadyMarchHare is completely right. She has pretty much taken you for a ride and expecting you to be alright with what shes doing is too cruel. If there's a chance that she'll actually make up her mind and stay with you, you ll probably still harbor feelings of insecurity and hurt which will ultimately ruin the trust in your relationship. After 3 years, its grossly unfair of her to treat you this way. You're the one with every reason to be hurt, not her.
I hope she gets her act together asap.
Hugs*

[annamorgan]

You've been with her three years and she still has feelings for her ex? This is pretty much torturous to be acting this way, keeping you on your toes to see who she'll "pick" in the end like this is some dating game show. She needs to figure out who she loves and is committed to, and who she can see a future with. Her ex is her ex for a reason. She needs to realize that.

[MTK]

It is not fair to you to have to sit around and wait while she tries to figure out who she wants to be with and then get angry when you want to talk about it. Talking about it is something that i can sense you need to do.
I'm impressed that you are supporting her through this, you are one of a kind for doing that.
One of the possibilities is that she might have grown tired of your relationship and wants to try something "new" and mayhaps she has been comparing you and her ex and believes that there is still some unfinished business with her ex.

I do not know how long you have been separated so i hope you don't mind me asking how long it has been since the separation started?

If she decides that you are the one she wants to be with, do you think that you will still feel the same? I mean, this won't go by without affecting your relationship with each other.

[sploofmoof]

We've only been going through this for a few days, and honestly since we've talked about me moving there a lot of things have come up from the past. Sort of like a re-run of everything we are to see if the move is what's best.

This isn't the first time she's done this about the same guy, we've taken a break before and after that one she had chosen me. She says that this is the last time though, and honestly she's not the type to play with someones emotions knowingly. I wholeheartedly know that this is hurting her as much as it's hurting me, but when we're seperated like this and I try to talk about how I'm feeling it's hard to do that without talking like we're together or something and it hurts.

And I've asked myself that question many times MTK and I believe it can be the same, I've taken a visit to see her for a full week and well it's safe to say that it's obvious that we love each other. What I'm hoping is that we can come out of this even stronger than before, and that I can still move in with her.

Edit: I'd also like to take the time to point out that she said to me there isn't a question of her not loving me, and loving him instead. She's been saying that she wants to be able to get this out of the way, and I agree. But I want her to make the decision for her and not for me.

[sploofmoof]

Aah, No one else? I'm losing my mind over here, she hasn't talked to me since last night when she got mad at me..

[paulawriteslove]

What she is doing doesn't sound fair to you at first. But since you're planning on moving there and making the relationship more serious, she probably wants to make sure that she doesn't hurt you while you're here. She wants to get her old feelings out of the way for this guy, she wants to be completely devoted to you. I know this can be a tough process, but in the end, she wants to make sure that you're the right guy for her no matter what. I know it's not fair for her to be playing with your emotions and you should tell her that. The whole SO moving for love is surreal until it actually becomes serious. And once it becomes serious she wants to make sure everything is perfect and that there won't be any room for mistakes (like her having feeling for her ex). I hope this makes some kind of sense. Good luck! And tell her how this is making you feel!

[sploofmoof]

What she is doing doesn't sound fair to you at first. But since you're planning on moving there and making the relationship more serious, she probably wants to make sure that she doesn't hurt you while you're here. She wants to get her old feelings out of the way for this guy, she wants to be completely devoted to you. I know this can be a tough process, but in the end, she wants to make sure that you're the right guy for her no matter what. I know it's not fair for her to be playing with your emotions and you should tell her that. The whole SO moving for love is surreal until it actually becomes serious. And once it becomes serious she wants to make sure everything is perfect and that there won't be any room for mistakes (like her having feeling for her ex). I hope this makes some kind of sense. Good luck! And tell her how this is making you feel!

That makes a lot of sense and is pretty smart, that's what I've been thinking as well. We've gone over everything in the past month that's hurt us or is still hurting us. This would be the final hurdle to jump over before I would be able to go there. Trust Me I've been telling her how I feel but I've trying to subdue it slightly for her sake, just because I'm feeling so many things that I can't really rationalize and I just feel them.