Transitioning to Long Distance

[az.cmart]

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, and only have been long distance for a little over 1 month. I am doing an internship in Hong Kong and my boyfriend is in Arizona. While I am the type who takes a challenge head on, he is more the type to temporarily buckle under the stress until he can figure it out/deal with it. As he is still in the “buckle under stress” part about me being gone, he is somewhat listless. This is making the already difficult situation of long distance even harder. We’ve had some serious talks about this, and he is trying harder to put in the effort needed to make this work. Basically I need to just ride this out (obviously at some point if there is no improvement I need to do something but after 3 years, 1 rough month can’t be the end).

Most of the information I see about LDRs are about couples who started as LDR or who very early on became LDR. What I am posting this here for is to ask if anyone has gone from living in the same city for so long to LD and has advice for transitioning?

Also any ideas or tips on how to realign your expectations to better fit long distance? With the time difference it is simply not feasible to be in contact as much as I would like.

[nic]

Hey there,

I'm new to this forum and find myself in a similar situation- my partner of over two years has accepted a job offer in another state. Although it's only for a year to begin with, and with regular visits weekly, I'm finding myself to be the listless one. We're a same sex couple and although marriage isn't recognised in Australia, but in a couple of states, we're marrying each other before she heads over.

Despite this and the weekly visits, I'm finding it difficult to the potential transitioning and have all the 'what ifs' running through my head. I agree that there isn't much advice for those that are in our situation, but if anyone can direct us or have some advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

No doubt there has to be more like us on here

[lyonsgirl]

Don't expect it to be easy. It's not. I hope you to think that I'm trying to say it's not worth it - because it is. My FH & I started CD. Went LD, got to be CD for a little, and have been LD for nearly 2 years since the last round of CD. It's possible - as there are a ton of couples on here that are in similar situations to yours. I suggest you browse the boards. Search for things like "how to cope" or "how to deal" and a bunch of threads with suggestions will come up. Start posting, and you'll realize that this is an awesome support system for LDRs.

[Kristin91]

I agree! My SO and I will be returning to LD after a year CD. My advice having come from LD to CD and now going back to LD is to communicate! The distance is hard enough without keeping secrets, desires, and even frustrations to yourself. Find things online you guys like to do together (Skype, watch movies/ tv shows, play games, etc); it will help the time pass quicker. Also, I've found that if you have a countdown to when you can see each other again it helps keep you motivated. I like making countdowns, but you can also use a digital countdown. Hope this helped some, but definitely look around the forum for ways to cope with the distance .

[ushiwakafox]

Same here, my fiance and I started CD; high school sweethearts

It's definitely a difficult transition when you're so used to having him there, but just know that you can get through it.

Our first bout of LD was really tough for me, I was and in some ways still am, a needy girl. I was moved around a lot growing up and people entered and exited my life frequently, so when I fell in love with my SO, I really latched on. But anyway, that made it tough for me but my SO, like yours, didn't make it much easier for me at times. But honestly looking back now I don't blame him - I could imagine it's exhausting having to console me constantly lol.

Point is, everyone deals with stress differently. Some, like me, temporarily go nuts. Others, like my SO and from the sound of it your SO, tend to retract and kinda bury into themselves. It took a lot of time and effort, but my SO does much better now than he used to about verbalizing his concerns and worries with me instead of keeping them bottled up. Sounds like he's really making effort to improve himself so that's good.

As time passes you will both settle into this new routine and it will become the norm. But like Kristin said, finding different things to do with each other can really take the strain off of missing each other.

[az.cmart]

Thank you all for the words of encouragement. I knew that LD would have challenges but I never thought that my SO would be making it tougher! We are using Skype and a phone messaging app and have hopes to get some sort of game going. However these are pretty week replacements for all the habits and traditions we had build over the years so it is taking time for me to adjust. My SO’s attitude has been pulling me down so I keep telling myself there is only room for one drama queen at a time and that means I have to be the optimistic one!

[ushiwakafox]

Yea it takes time to get used to a brand new routine especially if you started of CD.
Just take it day by day, and yes do try to be optimistic, it might be what your SO really needs.
My SO and I just entered LD again, and we are going through some of the same struggles - getting used to a new routine. We're on a 14 hour time difference, so his mornings are my nights. We do get to talk a bit twice a day but he's had responsibilities to uphold ever since he got there so it's been difficult for me to just live with IMing for a few minutes a day. And of course I wish I could just cry and have him console me, more than anything I just want to break down, but that won't make his adjustment any easier.

Sometimes it takes a strong woman to keep things stable