Mental illness in an LDR

[Chris516]

Before any asks, yes, I did a search for past threads potentially answering my question. The only thread I found was this: https://members.lovingfromadistance....mental+illness; but it didn't answer my question.

My SO has OCD. I have come up with creative approaches to most of it, but the mood swings. Because, She will say she is going to do something, then completely change her mind. This year(our sixth year), she said not to send anything for her birthday, that she would be coming out here, after the heat cools down. Her mother has told me, it is up to my SO. In 2011, she said she wanted to come out here for medical conference in June'2012. She ended up not coming out here. Because of her mother's health, which DID NOT get worse.

At times, she has said that she wants to move back to San Diego, where she lived with her (late ex)husband. Then she will say that she wants to stay with her parents who are 82 n' 76 respectively. She worries about her mom who has non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, when her mother says it is under control.

She is not on medication for her OCD.

I guess the question in my post is, how do others' cope with an SO having mood swings to the point that it affects seeing each other?

[maja]

I can only say kudos for staying with for 6 years, the same thing I say to my SO whenever I freak out and try sending him away or not come see him. My mood swings probably aren't as bad as hers as mine, but he just handled it so well. We talked about it after the first time it happened and once he fully understood what was going on in my mind he was great about it. Whenever I had one of my freak outs as we call them he jumped in his car and left, or with less severe ones do stuff in another room or outside for a few hours.
As with pretty much everything I think communication is key here - have you guys talked about it and talked it through? Also why is she not taking meds if I may ask?

[Chris516]

I can only say kudos for staying with for 6 years, the same thing I say to my SO whenever I freak out and try sending him away or not come see him. My mood swings probably aren't as bad as hers as mine, but he just handled it so well. We talked about it after the first time it happened and once he fully understood what was going on in my mind he was great about it. Whenever I had one of my freak outs as we call them he jumped in his car and left, or with less severe ones do stuff in another room or outside for a few hours.
As with pretty much everything I think communication is key here - have you guys talked about it and talked it through? Also why is she not taking meds if I may ask?

There have been times, where we went two weeks without saying 'I love you', to one another. But the last time that happened, I decided, even if I didn't talk to her on the phone, I would still leave her a voicemail reminding her that I love her and that she didn't have to call back. I 'leave door open', so any pressure she might feel about calling back wouldn't happen. At the same time, when I talked to her on the phone a couple days ago, I found out, she hadn't been checking her voicemail at all. So I just continue the voicemails regardless.

Well, She isn't on medication, because I am guessing the thought of side affects of any medication bothers her. She was elated when I stopped taking an antidepressant medication. I feel ten times better without it. I actually had to do it on my own, because the GP I had at the time, refused to advise me on how to come down off it. So I tapered it down on my own. She did try Anafranil, which is the strongest OCD medication on the market. But she told me she had terrible side affects from it. So she stopped taking it.

Some things have happened this which are either my fault, or a sign of something my SO is thinking. I don't 'recall' receiving a birthday wish/card/gift of any sort for my birthday this year. But I hope I stupidly for got. On the day of anniversary a couple weeks ago, I left her an anniversary voicemail but didn't receive anything from her. When we talked on the phone last week, she asked me what I was doing, when I said preparing her birthday(08-31) gifts, she told me not to send any and, that she wanted to come out here when it was cooler(it can hit 100 or very close two it on occasion, here).

[Chris]

When my SO and I were still dating... she had mood swings too. She has a severe anxiety issue. She too didn't take medications, not because of side effects, but because she was convinced she was fine. And believe me, she wasn't. It took time but I had finally convinced her to seek therapy and her therapist prescribed an anti-anxiety medication which worked very well for her for the year or so that she was taking it. One day, she stopped taking it for reasons I don't know, and no matter what I tried she wouldn't listen, but I suppose that's because she didn't love me anymore while she was cheating on me.

The point I'm making is that therapy can go a long way and so can medication. I know you said she's afraid of side effects, but there are MANY different medications out there. Just because one of them doesn't work or gives you bad side effects, doesn't mean they all will. If medication isn't an option for either of you, try therapy. If therapy isn't an option also, well... try doing new fun stuff together. Do you two watch movies often? Play games?

Just avoid subjects and activities that may make her mood swings come out, and be sure to give her any room she may need as you seem to be doing already.

I will say this though... if she's neglecting your health, mental or physical, due to her own mental illness, then she needs professional help. It's not just affecting her, it's also affecting you. I've seen you make multiple threads about struggles with your relationship and it's very obvious that you're suffering too. I understand that OCD can be bad but it isn't an excuse to neglect the person you love, which it sounds like she is doing to you.

[Chris516]

When my SO and I were still dating... she had mood swings too. She has a severe anxiety issue. She too didn't take medications, not because of side effects, but because she was convinced she was fine. And believe me, she wasn't. It took time but I had finally convinced her to seek therapy and her therapist prescribed an anti-anxiety medication which worked very well for her for the year or so that she was taking it. One day, she stopped taking it for reasons I don't know, and no matter what I tried she wouldn't listen, but I suppose that's because she didn't love me anymore while she was cheating on me.

Yes, My ex is Bi-Polar II, and I was always on the lookout double-checking her BP meds, to make sure she was taking them. My fiance(if she were cheating) would only be able to do it online. Because she lives with her aging parents, the house is not on a main road with public transportation even though they live just on the outskirts of the city limits, and she had to surrender her drivers' license because of her OCD.

The point I'm making is that therapy can go a long way and so can medication. I know you said she's afraid of side effects, but there are MANY different medications out there. Just because one of them doesn't work or gives you bad side effects, doesn't mean they all will. If medication isn't an option for either of you, try therapy. If therapy isn't an option also, well... try doing new fun stuff together. Do you two watch movies often? Play games?

Yes, I bookmarked the page from the International OCD Foundation that lists all the medications. She was seeing a therapist many years ago, long before I met her. I don't know why she stopped. We aren't able to watch movies together, unless we get the same cable channel on tv. Years ago, she bought me a lot of food(pizza, ice cream, coke) and lots of movies on DVD. I knew the food wasn't the healthiest thing in the world, but I preferred her obsessing on me, than on something that would not do any good. She did get a little upset at me, because I wouldn't make copies of all the DVD movies. My fear was the stories I had read how the movie industry was cracking down on that sort of thing, and people getting sent to prison. Another reason is indirectly connected to the hoarding. I have been over to my father's house several times which they keep immaculate. But, When it comes to their music CD's, they never put them back in the case. They will leave them all over the house. So since my fiance is a hoarder, I don't think she would put them back in the case, either.

Just avoid subjects and activities that may make her mood swings come out, and be sure to give her any room she may need as you seem to be doing already.

The most noticeable mood swing, I think is in relation to her parents'. I haven't noticed any mood swings that I am somehow setting off.

I will say this though... if she's neglecting your health, mental or physical, due to her own mental illness, then she needs professional help. It's not just affecting her, it's also affecting you. I've seen you make multiple threads about struggles with your relationship and it's very obvious that you're suffering too. I understand that OCD can be bad but it isn't an excuse to neglect the person you love, which it sounds like she is doing to you.

Do you mean, 'if she's neglecting my health, mental or physical, due to her own mental illness, then she needs professional help.'? Correct, OCD cannot be an excuse to neglect the person you love. I have talked to her about the lack of communication before. Now I call her every day, just to leave a voicemail reminding her that I still love her.

[Chris]

Do you mean, 'if she's neglecting my health, mental or physical, due to her own mental illness, then she needs professional help.'? Correct, OCD cannot be an excuse to neglect the person you love. I have talked to her about the lack of communication before. Now I call her every day, just to leave a voicemail reminding her that I still love her.

If her illness is becoming bad enough to affect the health of other people (i.e. you), then action needs to be taken. Action should be taken regardless, but especially when it starts hurting others. If she is unwilling to seek professional help for herself, then she should be doing it for you. I'm not a professional and I don't know your relationship like you do, so take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt, but...

She's hurting you. That's obvious. Anyone that has seen your threads knows it. You're suffering and so is she. It's unhealthy, and the reality is that unhealthy relationship don't last forever. One year, ten years, or twenty... eventually they fall apart. She needs to seek professional help, and there are plenty of alternative treatments out there if she refuses medications. There are therapy groups, 1 on 1 therapy sessions, etc. If finances are a problem, there are free support groups out there.

There are even online forums dedicated to helping people with OCD. At the very least, she should be taking some sort of action to help herself (and thus in turn, helping you). There's no excuse. I know for a fact that mental illnesses only get worse if help of some form isn't sought. And since it's a relationship, it's two roads. You can't put in 100% and get 0% back, it's not fair or right to you. Both people should be putting in equal effort, and forgive me if I'm wrong, but from what you've typed it seems that she isn't even trying.

[Chris516]

If her illness is becoming bad enough to affect the health of other people (i.e. you), then action needs to be taken. Action should be taken regardless, but especially when it starts hurting others. If she is unwilling to seek professional help for herself, then she should be doing it for you. I'm not a professional and I don't know your relationship like you do, so take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt, but...

Her OCD is not physically affecting my health. She hasn't expressed an unwillingness to see a therapist. I just have not pressed her about it. But I do get the impression from conversations with her mother, that her parents' haven't pressed her about it, either.

She's hurting you. That's obvious. Anyone that has seen your threads knows it. You're suffering and so is she. It's unhealthy, and the reality is that unhealthy relationship don't last forever. One year, ten years, or twenty... eventually they fall apart. She needs to seek professional help, and there are plenty of alternative treatments out there if she refuses medications. There are therapy groups, 1 on 1 therapy sessions, etc. If finances are a problem, there are free support groups out there.

Yes, I have been debating pressing her about it, at the risk of her not communicating with me, even more.

There are even online forums dedicated to helping people with OCD. At the very least, she should be taking some sort of action to help herself (and thus in turn, helping you). There's no excuse. I know for a fact that mental illnesses only get worse if help of some form isn't sought. And since it's a relationship, it's two roads. You can't put in 100% and get 0% back, it's not fair or right to you. Both people should be putting in equal effort, and forgive me if I'm wrong, but from what you've typed it seems that she isn't even trying.

I wouldn't say that she "isn't even trying". But at the same time I do agree she isn't getting the CBT/Pharmacological help that could control the OCD.

[LadyDaemon]

If her illness is becoming bad enough to affect the health of other people (i.e. you), then action needs to be taken. Action should be taken regardless, but especially when it starts hurting others. If she is unwilling to seek professional help for herself, then she should be doing it for you. I'm not a professional and I don't know your relationship like you do, so take what I'm about to say with a grain of salt, but...

She's hurting you. That's obvious. Anyone that has seen your threads knows it. You're suffering and so is she. It's unhealthy, and the reality is that unhealthy relationship don't last forever. One year, ten years, or twenty... eventually they fall apart. She needs to seek professional help, and there are plenty of alternative treatments out there if she refuses medications. There are therapy groups, 1 on 1 therapy sessions, etc. If finances are a problem, there are free support groups out there.

There are even online forums dedicated to helping people with OCD. At the very least, she should be taking some sort of action to help herself (and thus in turn, helping you). There's no excuse. I know for a fact that mental illnesses only get worse if help of some form isn't sought. And since it's a relationship, it's two roads. You can't put in 100% and get 0% back, it's not fair or right to you. Both people should be putting in equal effort, and forgive me if I'm wrong, but from what you've typed it seems that she isn't even trying.

I completely myself agree with this and I too have seen many of your threads concerning your SO. If her OCD and hoarding is so bad to the point that she is not even speaking to you AND she's neglecting her personal relationships then some form of action needs to be taken.

Not to be offensive or anything,but if she's got bad OCD with mood swings and she hoards how is she and her parents living? How is she able to take care of them while having these issues? Because I find it kinda odd that for someone who won't speak to you and has these issues that she would be able to manage herself let alone the care of her parents.

[Chris516]

I completely myself agree with this and I too have seen many of your threads concerning your SO. If her OCD and hoarding is so bad to the point that she is not even speaking to you AND she's neglecting her personal relationships then some form of action needs to be taken.

Agreed

Not to be offensive or anything,but if she's got bad OCD with mood swings and she hoards how is she and her parents living? How is she able to take care of them while having these issues? Because I find it kinda odd that for someone who won't speak to you and has these issues that she would be able to manage herself let alone the care of her parents.

While her parents' are aging, they are still able-bodied, mentally and physically. They both still drive, and do keep her hoarding in check. I have wondered the same thing.

[LadyDaemon]

Agreed

While her parents' are aging, they are still able-bodied, mentally and physically. They both still drive, and do keep her hoarding in check. I have wondered the same thing.

So then my next question is,if her parents can still care for themselves,are mobile and they aid in keeping her hoarding in check then why is she not able to leave the house,speak to you on the phone or play a much more active role in your relationship then she is now?

[ThePiedPiper]

So then my next question is,if her parents can still care for themselves,are mobile and they aid in keeping her hoarding in check then why is she not able to leave the house,speak to you on the phone or play a much more active role in your relationship then she is now?

I'm actually more interested in why her/the story changes regularly. OCD does not involve compulsive lying. But I agree with this too.

[Chris516]

So then my next question is,if her parents can still care for themselves,are mobile and they aid in keeping her hoarding in check then why is she not able to leave the house,speak to you on the phone or play a much more active role in your relationship then she is now?

Yes, Both are still capable of caring for themselves, and mobile. To my understanding, where her hoarding is concerned, her father is the only one that 'addresses' that. She can walk within the neighborhood, where the house is. But it is too far for her to walk to the bus stop and still be safe. She has walked late at night in the neighborhood. But, the house is on the outskirts of the city. Where the terrain is sort of like Las Vegas was as Howard Hughes was building it in the desert.

My guess with the lack of communication, pursuant to the phone, was like an LDR I was in, back in early 2007. The woman also had OCD, but she was also a single mom. She once told me, that she need to stay busy all the time. I thought this was strange, but I didn't pursue it. Like you, I am wondering why she can't communicate on the phone and/or be more active in our relationship. One possibility is OCD guilt on her part.

[Chris516]

I'm actually more interested in why her/the story changes regularly. OCD does not involve compulsive lying. But I agree with this too.

I have been wondering that for some time. But every time I ask her if she wants to break up, she says 'no'.

[LadyDaemon]

My guess with the lack of communication, pursuant to the phone, was like an LDR I was in, back in early 2007. The woman also had OCD, but she was also a single mom. She once told me, that she need to stay busy all the time. I thought this was strange, but I didn't pursue it. Like you, I am wondering why she can't communicate on the phone and/or be more active in our relationship. One possibility is OCD guilt on her part.

I doubt that. Even with OCD most people don't deny contact with others. Also,I understand keeping busy to keep ones mind off of their compulsive behavior,but nobody can stay SO busy 24/7 as she always seems to be,to not have really any communication with you. Are you sure there isn't something else like an incident maybe that has occurred since the time she stopped really communicating with you? I believe I saw a thread that I missed before about an incident where you didn't go see her for her birthday and instead was more concerned about an online friend. And I've seen this online friend mentioned quite a few times in your threads. Have things of this nature been a common occurrence throughout your relationship?

I'm actually more interested in why her/the story changes regularly. OCD does not involve compulsive lying. But I agree with this too.

Oh? am I missing something?

[ThePiedPiper]

Oh? am I missing something?

This entire relationship is bizarre. The OPer once was going to move to be with an online friend he'd never met which understandably caused problems, but if I'm remembering right, Chris, you've limited contact with this friend for the sake of your SO? But his SO has always dropped off the face of the earth (unless I'm mixing details) and always seems to have a different excuse for doing so that Chris very graciously forgives. I am just wondering why Chris keeps forgiving her changing stories because okay, sure, she does not want to break up, but even if you say that OCD or anything else isn't an excuse for her treating you the way she is, you continue to let her treat you this way. And it's a little hard to communicate with someone who only talks to you when they want to talk to you, so it's obviously not getting better. You're sitting in a stalemate, and I know it's not easy to get up and leave, but there also comes a point where you have to stop griping about something that's been happening in your relationship for... what, several months now? Sometimes things happen and we can't change them. We try, we learn we can't, and then all we have left to decide, Chris, is whether or not we can deal with it for the rest of our lives, because sometimes, believe it or not, our SOs don't want to change no matter how much we love them or changed for them to try and make it work.