SO doesn't like cuddling :/

[Karoshi]

Hello!
The thing is, that my SO isn't much into cuddling, kissing, holding hands etc. He also have problems to express his feelings - he can say that he loves me when he feels it, but I mean the little sweet things, like kiss, hug, little touch, saying that I'm pretty etc... He just doesn't do that. When I want to hug him when we go to sleep, he starts to complain that it's too hot for that (yes, the weather here was insane past few weeks, thats true) or that it's not comfortable for him. Do you have any advice how can I "persuade" him to do it more, or is it just the way he is and I have to deal with it?

[libelle]

Have you told him how it makes you feel and asked him why he does those things? (:

[Karoshi]

Of course, I told him that I need some kind of physical contact and asked him about it. He told me: "You don't NEED it, you just want it." and that he's "just not into it". He also told me that in his age (he is 30, I'm 19) it's not so important to kiss all the time. I understand, but still I miss it.

[libelle]

That is ridiculous, every person has his own needs, he can't tell you what you need and don't. Every person is unique and has his unique needs and desires. But as humans, we specifically need to be reminded that we are loved, desired, needed - otherwise the primal fear of regection kicks in. He should respect your needs just like (I am guessing) you respect his. If he can't do that, then you should consider if it is a dealbreaker for you ...

[Karoshi]

You are right. I'll tell him once more how I feel about it. Thanks god I'm visiting him right now, so it's much easier to talk about problems when we are together and not only via internet.

[ThePiedPiper]

The problem with "respecting each other's needs" is that someone inevitably gets left with the short end of the stick. If you respect his needs, you don't get the affection you need. If he respects yours, he's left doing something he doesn't really want to do and feeling like it's due to the immaturity of being 19. Is he willing to find a happy medium? Or are you willing to compromise on your own needs? I never liked cuddles before bed. I would spoon a little bit, snuggle a bit longer, and then I'd roll over and promptly take my own space back. That said, I do like to cuddle and am physically affectionate. I don't think I would be able to be with someone who was not. For me, I could live with someone who didn't want to cuddle before bed, but probably not with someone who did not want to cuddle at all. Is that the same for you? Where do you draw your line? The other thing you can try doing is think about what he does do for you to show he loves you and cares about you, and determine whether or not re-framing your mind to appreciate those things can help happily maintain this relationship.

[Moon]

He also told me that in his age (he is 30, I'm 19) it's not so important to kiss all the time. I understand, but still I miss it.

Well, that's bullshit Your urge to kiss, hug and cuddle doesn't diminish with age, thankfully. There really are people who just aren't into much physical contact, unless it's time for more intimate acts. My ex-husband was like that, any touching meant he wanted sex, and just wasn't affectionate at all otherwise. The problem with that is, regardless of him trying to be more affectionate, if it's not him, it'll never come naturally to him, you'll have to take charge of it. You have to consider that he may never be one of those guys who'll just grab you and hug you, or say silly, sweet things to you, are you OK with that? If he's worth it otherwise, do you think that's something you can get used to?

I see your relationship is still new, it's possible that with some gentle prodding (grabbing his hand, gentle hugs from you, etc.) he'll begin to respond, especially if he knows it's important to you. Good luck.

[Dezface]

Yeah the age thing is crap. My SO is older than yours and is the most affectionate man I've ever met.

[LadyDaemon]

Of course, I told him that I need some kind of physical contact and asked him about it. He told me: "You don't NEED it, you just want it." and that he's "just not into it". He also told me that in his age (he is 30, I'm 19) it's not so important to kiss all the time. I understand, but still I miss it.

Ok,the age thing is a cop out. My fiance is 31 years old and he kisses me ALL of the time. He's really affectionate with me,so that crap about it's not important because of his age is just that,crap. But,I do agree with Moon about it possibly just not being apart of him. It's not in some people,but you have to either talk to him and try to get him to compromise with you on it,deal with it and accept it as one of his little quirks or decide whether or not it's a deal breaker and then do what you have to do.

[alittlemind]

My ex was not affectionate with me at all unless he wanted something. He hardly ever wanted to hug or kiss, and forget cuddling or telling me I was pretty and what not. And although I told myself I didn't need all those things, I really really did. When I met my current SO, he was affectionate from the very beginning. I never had to say anything about not getting enough love, he's always offering it up on his own. Like the others have said, one of you have to decide to compromise, decide what you can do different, or maybe it's just something that will be a deal breaker for you two.

[snow]

My fiancé doesn't like to cuddle before sleep and it took me quite some time to accept that - I am a furnace, my whole body gets really hot so I don't blame him at all and when I told him I'd like him to cuddle with me sometime before bed he told me that he just can't sleep like that, but what he can do is put his foot on top of my foot - quite honestly that's more than enough: knowing that he cares.
Knowing he'll put his foot on mine to show me he still wants some kind of connection while we sleep is enough for me, but might not be enough for you.
Maybe you can find something that works for you? Like holding your hand or having your hand on his back?

He doesn't like to kiss that much either, but he knows I need it, I get the most passionate kisses from time to time.
If you want to stay with him, there is going to be some compromises you will have to make unfortunately, but it all comes down to working them out so both of you get what you need.

[alizee]

I agree with ”snow”. You 2 must make some compromises. I know a love relationship is based on all sort of compromises, because it is formed by 2 different people, who have different needs/ wants or expectations. Talk to your BF and tell him that you would like him to be more warm and loving towards you - if there*s love and understanding in the relationship - you will find a way!!! I don*t know how my boyfriend is because I haven*t met him yet. We will meet in September and hope everything will be great between us, though we might seem a little shy (because it is our first face-to-face meeting), so our cuddling might be a little affected by shyness, emotions due to first time encounter. Hope you two can sort things out!

[Malaga]

I don't really like cuddling either. I like kissing and sex, and holding hands but cuddling and hugging just bores me. I love the idea of it, but the physical act just leaves me feeling awkward. Even as a kid I was never particularly affectionate with my parents, I loved them dearly but cuddling just felt strange.

Up until this relationship I was quite frigid when it came to shows of physical affection, except occasionally. Now it comes much more easily. I think distance helps there, I miss it more. But maybe part of it is also my age, I think as I grow older I'm getting less uptight about it. And having a gentle patient SO really makes a difference.

My SO is very tactile with me, and he particularly loves hugs and snuggles. Honestly I'd rather have him like that than if he were more like me. I never turn him down when we're alone (he tones it down in public). I think it's easier for me to handle a bit of awkwardness and boredom, than for him to handle rejection - that's inevitably crushing, no matter how well I rationalise it.

It's worrying that your SO is so dismissive of your needs like that. But it's possible it's just his defensive reaction to feeling guilty for not feeling it the way you do. It's not easy explaining to your SO that you love them just as much even if you don't like cuddling. Especially when they're frustrated about it. I've been in both positions (when it comes to sex the tables are turned for us) so I can identify with both sides.

I think you could try to talk to him about it without making it about you. I mean, without focusing on what you need or want. This should help alleviate pressure and guilt he feels for not being the way you expect him to be. Just be curious enough to find out more about him and his needs for affection. The more you understand him, the easier it'll be to deal with your own expectations, and the process might help him open more to it.

Good luck xx

[Karoshi]

So many responses, thank you <3
What really calmed me down was when some of you wrote that you or your SO aren't much into cuddling to. I think I'll just have to accept that some people don't need this type of physical contact. I would love to decide on some compromise, I don't need him to hold me or kiss me all the time, I just want him to hold my hand when we are going somewhere, kiss me from time to time etc. I hope that when I'll talk to him he will show at least some effort - I'm really not asking for much.
I'll write another post after our talk Thanks again!

[princessmaria]

I wanted to add a little insight from a different perspective. Cuddling for me can sometimes be annoying as well, that's not to say I don't like it because my SO and I cuddle like crazy. My SO is a major hugger and cuddler. A lot of times he forces me into these sort of pretzel hugs and I (jokingly) have to fight him off, but in all seriousness I do not like cuddling while sleeping at all. We mostly sleep back to back, which sounds awful, but our sleeping styles are so different that it's nearly impossible to be comfortable while cuddling to sleep (for me). We've come to a decent compromise. He cuddles me until he's just about ready to sleep, and then he turns over and lets me be. Maybe you can work something like that out with your SO.