LDR Advice - New relationship, long time apart

[coolrunnings85]

Hi all,

This is my first post to the website, and any advice would be much appreciated as I am a novice to the concept of long-distance relationships! I just spent this past summer in an academic program with a great person whom I was intimate with over the last month. We had great chemistry from the start of the program until the end, and we would be great with one another (or so I would think) if not for the distance.

We had a talk during the last day of the program and both of us agreed that we were unsure where things would stand after the program. She has only had one long-distance relationship prior, which did not turn out so hot, and this would be my first. We agreed it might be best to wait a little while after the program, see how things go when we are far away from one another (about 1000 miles), and decide from there.

Since the program has ended, we have continued to stay in contact (through texts daily, and extended phone calls/video chats every few days), and so far things have been great. Of course, it has only been a couple of weeks, and I am not necessarily sure that is enough time to make an accurate judgement, but I think on my part I am willing to give this a shot, as she really has a fantastic personality.

We are both in graduate school (both in our mid-20s), and each have around 2 years left in our programs. Therefore, the decision to commit to an LDR is somewhat a big deal given we would not have the opportunity to relocate for another couple years.

So, of course, I have some questions:
- How soon should I bring up the question again of our relationship? I will have a few days free towards the end of September to go visit her, so I did not know if after that visit would be ideal, or if I would be better off asking earlier. Of course, I do not want to ask too soon and come across as pushy.
- What are the little things I could do on my part to keep us close other than text messaging? What has worked/failed for others?
- I think the main difficulty on my part is that in close distance relationships, I tend to let my partner be independent and avoid becoming a pesty boyfriend. However, alone time is easy to come by, but that is clearly not the case with an LDR. How have people found the balance between being involved in someone's life, and being too involved?

I think this is particularly difficult given we are just in the beginning stages of a romantic relationship. With that said, any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks!

Coolrunnings

[Ejoriah]

Hi there, and welcome to LFAD I hope everything ends up working out great between you and her!

First, I'd like to point out that a lot of people make the decision to be in a LDR even if they can't relocate for two years or even more. I got in an LDR with about a year and a half before I could possibly think of even relocating, I know people that have been in LDRs for 3 years+ with still no end in sight, and some people even waited 2 years between visits, so know that it's definitely feasible, although hard (but LDRs are hard work, so that goes without saying).

I don't think it would be pushy of you to bring up your feelings - why would it be? You said you both agreed to wait a little while and see how things are - and from the way things are, you want to talk to her about the possibility of a long-distance relationship. So go for it! You won't know until you ask her. I would personally tell you to talk about it before you see her, just to make sure you're on the same page. If you go to visit her in September expecting to be romantically involved while in her mind you're just friends, it has the potential to be awkward.

Your last two questions are very difficult to answer because they vary so much from couple to couple. I'll go off my personal experience and others will undoubtedly chime in with theirs.

My boyfriend and I very rarely text message, but that's because of his job - he spends the whole day in front of a computer so we usually IM. In the evenings when he gets home from work we will Skype until we go to sleep. This means that we're pretty much in contact for the entire day. If something comes up we'll say "hey, I won't be able to talk for a bit because of [thing]" and that's that. If any one of us needs "alone time" we'll say "I feel like some time to myself atm, I'll talk to you later if that's ok." That works for us though - the normal is for us to be in touch pretty much all day, but it's still no problem if one of us needs some alone time.

As far as things to do together... my boyfriend and I play games together (particularly Guild Wars 2, I got him into it). Sometimes we'll each play our own games and tell each other what's going on (he's so cute when he plays Dota 2, bouncing on his seat when he kills someone) and sometimes we'll play the same single-player game (we'll both play Skyrim for instance, and tell each other what we're doing). There's a list of things for couples to do on the main LFAD website, you could check that out to see what works for you (you can click "go to main site" on the blue bar on top of the page).

If I had to give you one piece of advice, it's not to overthink things until you ask her. It's the best way to get very confused/anxious about the relationship!

[coolrunnings85]

Ejoriah,

Thanks a lot for your input! Having thought about it more, you are definitely right that it is in our best interest to talk about things before making any plans; I will follow up with her in the next week or two!

Thanks again!