I need help

[jomiscli]

Hi I need some help, some advice.

Me and my SO have been in a long distance relationship for about ten months now. We first met playing an online game, and at the time my SO was playing with my cousin. I had no idea they even knew each other until I started playing. After about two months me and my SO started to get more interested in each other and moved to emails, and shortly after, the phone. I found out later that my SO allowed my cousin to treat her like she was his girlfriend, but claims she was always just friends with him. She tried to salvage their relationship even as we were dating. She would spend hours with him while I was asleep, and even Skyped with him. She also Skyped with a few other guys, one while this was going on with my cousin. While this was going on with my cousin I used to get jealous and upset because of her contact with other guys, and her inability to see why it was upsetting me. When we would have these fights she would seek solace with my cousin because she said she had fun with him and it relaxed her. This was all very hard for me to get through, I love her and she would constantly assure me that everything was OK, but I still had these terrible feelings. After while she just stopped talking to my cousin and he just fell away and he is no longer in the middle of our relationship. There was another friend that she wanted to Skype with all the time while playing the online game, he kind of took the place of my cousin. Whenever me and my SO would have problems, she was on the game playing with him or asking if she could Skype with him, or sometimes just Skype without letting me know. I had a huge problem with this because it felt just like the situation with my cousin, where she was going to him for support and to relax if we had a problem. Then there is the whole email thing. She would pass out her email to people that asked. One mutual friend from the online game contacted me and was asking question about my SO, like if she was single, where she was from, questions that insinuated that he was interested when he should have CLEARLY known she was already taken.

The biggest issue is that I've never seen my SO. Recently she has started sending me pictures but I have never seen her face.

So what I need help with. Recently she asked if she could start having friends on the game again, but promised me she wouldn't pass out her Skype or email. Naturally all the terrible feelings came flooding back from before, because those first five months were very, very difficult. She got upset when I reacted badly, which I probably shouldn't have but I let my feelings from those past events come surging back, and it scared me and I DO NOT EVER WANT THEM AGAIN!

One other thing, she doesn't seem to get the concept of how not being able to see her AND being in a long distance relationship can really mess with someones emotions, she always tells me I am to rollarcoastery but fails to completely understand the dynamics of the relationship we are in. She automatically thinks that I would act like this in real life if we were together, and I think that prevents her from fully exploring and planning to close the distance between us.

What should I do?

[princessmaria]

She sounds like she's not nearly as invested in this as you are. It seems like she just wants to have some fun with a bunch of guys on the internet, to be frank with you. You haven't even seen her face so how can you consider it to be a 10 month long relationship? On top of that, she has been actively seeking other guys out besides you on the internet. I think you should leave this person alone. I can't even say "break up" because it doesn't even seem like you two are in a real relationship. She reeks of catfish...

[libelle]

You should demand her to show her face. How can you know it is even her if you haven't seen eachother on webcam? You can't.
Also you may want to set clear definition and boundaries for your relationship, and also ask/answer some questions. Are you exclusive or open? Why does she constantly try to get in touch with new male friends, when it is obviously bothering you? If the guy asked you if she is single, it makes it clear she didn't even mention it that she knows you/you are her boyfriend. Why? If she has such a hard time understand where you are coming from, ask her if she would like to be treated the same way, if she would like you sending your email/skype to any girl who wanted it, and constantly seek other company than you.
A big problem is also that she is confessing to other people about your relationship without your knowledge/accepting and that she is not coming to you to discuss the problems, but seeks comfort in someone else's company. This is not how problems are solved. When there is a rough patch you need learn to sit down and calmly discuss it, and through compromises and understanding work out to a solution, instead one of you involving a third party, making it a sick triangle.
Don't be afraid to demand a picture and video conversation, and don't be afraid to speak about your concerns and feelings. As your girlfriend she should respect them. Good luck!

[XxFranticLovexX]

I don't really have time to post much atm but, have you asked for her skype info and stuff for yourself? You said that she uses skype with everyone else but you haven't seen her face. Why is that?
As for everything else, the only solution is really just to talk to her. You can't force her to listen and understand but you can at least try, and if she doesn't then she obviously isn't as committed to this relationship as you are.

[jomiscli]

Yo

I was a little frustrated when I first posted this because just yesterday she got frustrated with me for getting jealous. Let me clarify a bit:

First she doesn't actively seek guys out. She just befriends them and seems to think its perfectly ok to chat with them on Skype, and email. She doesn't use the video with anyone, and she has not Skyped with any other guys, or emailed for at least a few months. We had a falling out about three weeks ago where I just said screw it I'm not doing this anymore and I was going out with friends and doing my own thing. She of course got jealous. Before that incident she really had no concept of jealousy. Her last relationship was her only relationship and she basically got to do whatever she wanted. I need her to understand that there are rules, I need her to understand that this particular situation is STRESSFUL, it's TOUGH, and it messes with your emotions and your thoughts, especially for me because I've been sharing everything with her. She thinks that I'm just being childish, but it hurts. I cannot go through a similar situation like before, it will ruin us. She sends pictures, intimate ones, of her body, her family, her house, all that, but she thinks it's exciting to hide her face when I've begged her and tried to emphasize the importance of it to me.

I know she loves me. She's ALWAYS there for me, and I know the circumstances around our relationship are very complicated but what we have it real. I just don't need to share those details.

I just really need her to understand the relationship dynamics. I feel she is inadvertantly putting me into these situations and then gets upset when I get to emotional. Please help me.

[Ejoriah]

You can't MAKE someone understand relationship dynamics. All you can do is sit down with them and say "these are my expectations - this is what it means to me to be in a relationship." From what you've written, those things would be that you don't want her running off to someone else if you are having problems in your relationship, that you need to feel you are a priority over her friends, and that because you two are long distance you both need to put in an equal amount of effort. That includes being upfront to people about the relationship so that there are no misunderstandings with other gamers.

On the other hand, I don't think handing out email/skype info to friends you've made on a game is a big deal. I've met my SO in a gaming community and honestly we all have each other on skype and have emailed (and sometimes even snail-mailed) stuff to each other. Be careful that you're not trying to be controlling of her. I completely understand that you would feel hurt and betrayed if she runs to another guy whenever you two have a problem, but telling her she can't make new friends or give out her info is over the top.

[jomiscli]

I've told her until she can show me her face, until she can be completely open with me I will not be comfortable with her talking to other guys on the same terms she talks to me. Is that unreasonable?

[Zephii]

If I were her I'd be running as far away from you as possible, and here's why:

You have no right to control her. You have no right to choose her friends. She should not have to ask your permission to skype with or email anyone of any gender. Your insecurity issues are your problem, not hers. When there are rules in a relationship, it isn't because one person has set them - it's because they are mutually agreed upon and beneficial. If you can't learn to relax and trust her, then this relationship isn't going to go anywhere.

To me it looks like you both have a lot to learn about relationships and each other. For starters, generally speaking girls often turn to their friends for advice and comfort. It's healthy to get support and relax/unwind when there are problems, that helps a lot of people come back to the issues and tackle them with a clear mind.
For her, she needs to learn the difference between being friendly and leading people on. There is so much the two of you need to talk about... try to understand each other, instead of trying to control each other.

[jomiscli]

I'm sorry Zephii, I never meant to be that way with her. I don't know why the feelings get so overpowering sometimes...I am insecure, I am scared, I am sad. I try my best to contain it, but I can only talk to her for a few hours a day on a good day. It's very hard to feel so strongly for someone and never get to see them. It's very hard to have these feelings and try to communicate with her but be shut out. I don't know what else to do besides try and prevent the very thing that causes all our problems.

We've been trying to talk for months. Maybe your right, maybe I should just let her go. I know I am changing though, but maybe not fast enough.

Thank you guys for your replies. Thank you Zephii for being honest, I don't know if I can subject her to this anymore.