He works 12hr shifts now..... *sniffles*

[mocha]

I tried to search for related topics and I couldn't find a thread that talked about this. I'm very sorry for not seeing it if there is one.

My BF and I met on a chess game app. The connection between us was crazy insane.

I'm in an interracial relationship. Hes mexican/white. I'm nigerian/creole.

We both were unemployed at the moment. In between us going on interviews all the time we still managed to communicate often.

Now he works a 12hr shift and we both are committed to working out religiously and he lifts a lot of weights. So on top of the working out and a physically demanding job and RL stuff he is exhausted.

I just send him little messages to encourage him. He doesn't respond but I know it's because he is tired.

Also he doesn't have a working iphone so he uses wifi to use pinger to talk. This adds to the communication barriers we already have to deal with in an LDR.

The day he started working he updated his facebook status and I clicked like. he didnt even tell me he got the job. He updated it on fb. No big deal right?? He put me on a limited profile. I was like wth?? But I know all about facebook drama and I even had nosey people asking who this new guy I added to my friends list was and just causing drama already. I dont know if its a race thing or what....but i cant believe that to be true.. So I'm not upset about that. But he did tell me that night how he knows I'm upset with him and i didnt reply back and then he said he was just going to sleep. Idk if he thought I was mad because he updated facebook instead of talk to me or what. And now I kind of don't trust him anymore.

Ok my question is....what do I do to be supportive with the conflicting schedules?? He does text me at night saying he just got home...updating me on what he is getting ready to do real quick and he is gone. I appreciate the update but I want to hear about how much he misses me or loves me or how much he is thinking about me. I want to talk to him about it but I don't know how without being insensitive to what he has going on.

I don't want to assume and I want to talk things out but I don't want our interraction when he is free to be on a negative note.

Im possibly going to be moving to AZ for a job so instead being 24 hrs away ill be about 13 hrs away. If we even make it that far until then i hope it will help...

[princessmaria]

I'm a little confused. Are you saying you don't trust him because he has you on a limited profile view, or because he isn't communicating with you about his job and hours?

If you don't trust him already, that's a bad start to the relationship. You should definitely talk to him about how you're feeling and see if the issue can be resolved. Lack of trust is detrimental for any relationship, but especially LDRs.

[mocha]

Sorry princess for not being specific.

I believe him when it comes to the job and hours. With his past and work history...it adds up. And he told me all about his job and what he does.

The fb thing does make me not trust him as much. Idk if he may be secretly married or already has a gf in RL or what. I mean I suggested an open relationship and he was hurt by that. This leads me to believe that maybe he isn't lying.

I mean I am kinda insecure. Pathetic....i know. And I did mention all the girls that were pretty and had tattoos all over like him on his fb but he told me they mean nothing and are only friends. I'll talk to him tonight.

[snow]

Take a step back and look at what you wrote.

You are making this about you, and you alone.

I do agree that he should have told you that he got the job before posting it on facebook, but does it really matter? As you said he is working long shifts, working out a lot and doesn't have much time to talk and I am sure he doesn't like that either. When he comes home he is tired. Yes, I know you want to hear that he loves you and misses you, but this guy is exhausted. Give him some space to unwind!

Imagine yourself in the same situation. You're working 12 hour shifts, working out and are just exhausted beyond messures when you get home and there is your SO clinging onto you forcing you to put his needs over yours. It's tough.

I was in a similar situation with long work hours, lots of school work and stress at home and I wasn't able to talk to my fiancé as much as I wanted to. He wanted more time with me, but he understood that I am just exhausted, so what he did was to send me encouraging messages througout the day to remind me he was still there without expecting me to reply.

Give it some time. It's a very new relationship and I think what he needs right now is some time to get used to the long hours and find time in between to talk to you, which if he loves you he is surely trying to find.

When it comes to the trust issue: Talk to him and find out what's going on.
For all you know it could be, because he doesn't know any better. My man is not very tech savvy and it took him a couple months to even ADD me on facebook (let alone changing his relationship status!), maybe yours is too?

[mocha]

Snow,

*sigh*

You are right. I am being completely selfish and on top of that I'm kind of a control freak. Everything has to have rules and variables i can work with and I have to be able to control the outcome to everything. I'm working on this

I think this is exactly what I needed right now. He isn't tech savvy at all, and I can't believe I didn't take that into consideration. I've never had a LDR before and he hasn't either. AND we both have been single for a long time.

I'm not even the serious relationship type and definitely not a clingy girl but somehow I feel like all this is bringing out the worst in me. Turns out I just need to use my noggin and be more patient and selfless.

Thank you so much for your feedback. I feel a million times better knowing someone else has had a similar experience and overcame it. And you guys are engaged! Wow. So happy for you and I wish you well.

[srtd35]

The limited view on FB would really not fly with me. I want to see everything he post on FB and be able to comment and post anything on his page and I do. I could write a million times I love him on his fb pg and he would be cool with it. His fb pg pretty much consist of pics of me and him and the kids.

The hours thing I can undestand. We all have a life and sometimes work stresses us out and makes us tired and the communication will drag a little. It is nice at times to stay so busy that passes the time until I can see him again.

[mocha]

Srtd35,

Thank you for understanding . We have never met before and he did say that it would be different once we actually met and hit it off in RL. We haven't even been together for a month yet so I guess I can understand his hesitation. I can still post on his wall though so I guess that's a good thing? Guess he just hid some of his recent posts and birthday posts. I've read em all and nothing there seemed suspicious. I've been with my last guy off and on for 3 years and we are never on each others fb and we were talking about marriage towards the end. Guess I'm overreacting lol.

Thank you so much for the support! It means a lot to me. I know it sounds crazy but I do love this man dearly. He is everything I could ever ask for so far. I wish you all the best in your relationships. And I could always use more friends! Lol add me ;-)

[temporaryuser]

In my opinion, if you have only known him for a month, he may be Leary to give you full acces to his fb for fear of crazy stalker chick. Not saying you are, but I can see a guy thinking that
Give it sometime. Don't be oblivious to red flags, but don't create them either

[mocha]

Very true and I know what you mean. I'm hoping to have a conversation this weekend. I'm traveling this whole week coming up....I could really use the reassurance from him soon. Don't want to be tempted to be disloyal and ruin what we have.

Ty so much!

[mcatherinetherese]

hmm.. I totally disagree, I think that you should be one of the first people to know that your boyfriend got a job. When my boyfriend got a job, I was one of the first to know. When I got my job, I didn't post about it on twitter/facebook until I told my boyfriend. He wasn't answering my text about it right away (bc he works long hours too... which I will also address) and when he finally called I said, "ugh thank you for calling I couldn't wait much longer to put that I got a job on twitter" and he said, "I would have been so upset if I found out via twitter and not from you."

While I agree these social media "rules" are kind of ridiculous, it is a part of today's culture and whether or not you care about social media, some people (including your boyfriend/girlfriend may really care).

In a long distance relationship I really try to pick my battles about what I'm going to bring up because its not always worth it to bring up every little issue especially when your significant other works so much that your communication is limited anyway.

My boyfriend is a federal reserve police officer and works long hours and a lot of overtime. He, like your boyfriend, is very dedicated to his work out schedule and he works out after work. THerefore from about 10am until about 10pm he is working or pretty much unavailable, as you can imagine we don't get much time to talk. Sometimes during his breaks I will get like 1 or 2 texts, but sometimes I don't. THis used to bother me, but now I am slowly learning to take it less personally and just think that he's spending time with coworkers on his breaks or napping because he's exhausted.

Before I got my job this demanding schedule was really difficult because I was literally doing nothing all day. I started doing more social things and keeping myself busy. NOw that I have my job its really not as bad because 1) i understand why hes exhausted after work and 2) i'm busy for about 10 hours a day so whatever!

He doesn't profess his love for me in elaborate ways as much I have asked him to do, but he will do it ocassionaly and you learn to take those instances to last you until the next time he says it. Many guys have trouble giving long elaborate descriptions of their feelings everyday. It used to bother me, but I learned to just chill out.

I'm saying all this, but again this is a cycle. Next week I could be crying about his time constraints and refusal to send me love notes every night. Take it week by week. Thats my biggest advice

[DefyingDistance]

I think that you should be one of the first people to know that your boyfriend got a job. When my boyfriend got a job, I was one of the first to know. When I got my job, I didn't post about it on twitter/facebook until I told my boyfriend.

I agree with this. I always thought that a really important part of being in a relationship was sharing all those moments with each other first. I honestly would never post news to facebook or twitter unless I told my s/o about it first. I don't know, its just something about being able to share the initial excitement with the person you care about. I thought that was just a natural thing to do. But then again I guess it's different for everyone.

[mocha]

Thank you everyone for the advice. I spazzed out on him about a few things and told him i had the chance to cheat but i didnt and what not (i know so stupid and insensitive) and he said he couldn't sleep and was almost late for work. We had a good long talk the next day. Laughed, told each other how much we do love each other and agreed on everything. Long distance just doesn't work for us. We broke up.

I still love him but we are both on different paths and it just didn't make sense for us to be together. I THOUGHT i would have cried or be sad but i wasnt. Disappointed...yes....but what can you do?? Somewhere out there my Mr. Right is going to find me. My best friend (the one i would have slept with but stayed away from when i was visiting michigan) told me he missed me and said he saved for a ticket and hotel to see me. He told me hr would fly out next week if i wanted to. Not sure how i feel about that.....i compare every guy to him. I care about him but I know we wouldnt work out long distance. He said he would move to cali after med school but i dont believe him. I almost feel like we have grown so much closer with me being across country. I cry and he is always there. Gives me everything I need even from a distance. And he works two jobs everyday....so complicated we are. *sigh* I've got issues man lol. I keep falling for unavailable men!!

**Anyway**

Wish you all welll! ;-)