family member making things worse =(

[nicole]

Sorry this is long and complicated, but here goes...

So ever since I came back to England, I've been having problems with my older sister. Before I got back, my mum had mentioned my sister had been ranting at them about how they pay my tuition fees and won't pay for her to go to Uni too. The fact is she's 23, has a job, they pay all her bills, for he car, and they payed for all her qualifications she needed to become a care assistant, and yet she is jealous I'm still in college.

Two days ago she wrote on her facebook wall about how our parents have double standards and that I'm the favourite and she'd had enough of me. I was like wtf because all I did that day was go to work and talk to my SO on skype- she'd left the house before me so I hadn't seen her at all. My mum saw too and asked her what she was talking about. It conspired she is mad because my SO is coming over at New Years and we were planning on staying with my parents for a few days so they can all meet etc, and my dad said me and my SO should sleep in my sisters room, as it has a double bed and mine doesn't. She was ok when I asked her if it was alright last week, but now she's throwing a tantrum. She's now deleted my entire family and friends off of facebook, my mum is crying and my dad and me just don't know what to do.

I told this all to my boyfriend this morning about how frustrated I was with my family situation and how miserable it's making me and I thought he understood, but then he emailed me from work asking if it was his fault and if I was getting bored with him and etc. That was the last thing I meant. I made it quite clear I was only angry with my sister, not anyone else. I told him I'm already missing him and hate being separated, with the family situation on top of that, and now him doubting me, I don't know how to cope. I needed him to support me, now it just feels that I'm being attacked from all angles =( can someone please give me some advise on how to handle this? has anyone been in a similar situation?

[ioanna]

hey Nicole...
from your post i can tell you are overwhelmed, so the first thing you can do is take a deep breath and try and relax a bit...
relationships with siblings can be pretty complicated... i know what i'm talking about, i'm the eldest in a family of 5 kids
i can only imagine how it is for you right now, dealing with missing your loved one, while having no support from your sister, that is, not to mention, her making things even more difficult for you...
the way i understood things from your post, i guess she is jealous, (conciously or unconciously) of what you have.. the tantrum about giving up part of what she has (ie her bedroom) is her way of making a statement (" I AM HERE!")... the way i would deal with this would be not to expect anthing of her.. and not to be mad at her either... she is seeking attention, and i personally wouldn't reply by giving her lots of it... i would just tell her that if this is the way she feels about things, its too bad, tell her exactly how i see things are, and make clear that no matter what you are still sisters, and there shouldn't be any rivalry or comparison between the both of you...
try not to dramatize things, because that only makes her point stronger...
as for your SO, i know for a fact that mine would feel guilty for causing things, even if he knows for a fact its not his fault... the way he sees things is that hes intruding.. you family was yours long before he was, so that's understandable... My SO wouldn't really feel better until issues with my family have been resolved, but even so, i would still look to him for support/ ideas on how to resolve things; even if he would be clueless...
hope writing this down already calmed you and made you feel a little less alarmed, and i hope you find a solution to this situation quickly : )
courage!

[paulawriteslove]

I have a younger brother, and I have to admit that I do get jealous of him (conciously or unconciously). Sometimes I really don't mean to though! Me and him got in a big fight a few weeks ago, but we sat down and talked it out. Now we're all good. My and my brother fought over partying. I was never into it as a teenager, but he is a full blown partier. Apart of me got jealous, somewhat, because he was experiencing something that I never did. Maybe your sister is jealous that you have such a great relationship with your SO and she never got to experience something that great. You should try to talk to her. Best of luck.

[Riyko]

I'm the youngest of 2. My dad pays for everything for my brother (older) yet when I ask I have to pay for stuff my self. It could be because my brother has 2 kids with another on the way and my dad doesn't want the grandkids to have to suffer as my brother is the only one working, but at the same time to me it's not fair because I had to get student loans to pay for my college and when my brother went the first time my dad paid for him to go.

I also understand where your sister is coming from about being angry/upset over her bedroom, being the youngest I always had to give up my bedroom when people came and even though i'm 24 I still have too when my dad comes home. I don't mind because it's my dad, but as a kid I would be fine with letting others sleep in my room one day and a couple of days later i'd be mad or upset. I think what it comes down to with your sister is she was fine with it at first, but since she's had time to think about it, she's realized that my room is my space a place where I can get away and have time for me, but that space will be invaded and I won't have it for a certain amount of time. Maybe it makes her uncomfortable knowing that you and your SO will be sleeping in her bed and it crosses the boundaries for her.

All I can suggest is wait until she cools down a bit and then have a one on one conversation with her to see where she is coming from and what makes her feel the way she does.

[nicole]

she will never cool down though, if she blows up about something, and you try talk to her, she just goes on complete lock down. I can talk to her till I'm blue in the face and she'll sit there and won't say anything, just act like I'm not there. She does that to everyone, not just me.

And the room business. It was my room when we moved in, I got kicked out of it when she insisted her fiance move in. They moved out so I moved back in there. They didn't work out so she moved back to her old room, and as soon as I started Uni, she moved my stuff to the little room so she could have the double bed. and I found out what she meant by double standards. My parents don't let her bring boys home- as in one night stands- and apparently that is the same as my having my boyfriend sleep over- we'll have been dating for well over a year when he comes to visit.

I've decided I'm just not talking to her anymore. I'm normally layed back and I can't deal with dramatics, and with her, that's all it is. If she wants attention, I won't give it to her. I was more upset at my boyfriend then anything, he seems to think I am sacrificing a lot to be with him. He thinks I'll be sad I can't date other boys while I'm here. I don't understand his way of thinking, I guess I just have to reassure him I don't even look at other men that way anymore, he's the only one on my radar. I just wish this didn't happen at the same time, might be able to handle the situation a lot better. =/

[LadyMarchHare]

While I don't have siblings, I have friends that do and who act this way. Your sister apparently has a serious issue going on and it's either being taken out on you or is somehow because of you, in her mind. If she isn't living at home or isn't where her physical presence is imminent all the time, I'd do just as you said and stop talking to her. You can choose friends, but you can't choose family and despite her being family that doesn't give her the right to treat you that way and drag your parents into it as well.

[Silviar]

Your boyfriend is probably just feeling nervous and worried he'll come between you and your family. I would talk to him on Skype and state very clearly that the issue is with your sister and her attitude, not him, and any complaints she might attempt to levy about him aren't a concern from your parent's POV, it's your sister's temper tantrum. I don't know how you said ti to him, but if you talk to him, and use language that makes it very clear it's your sister's problem, not your family who's upset, he'll probably feel more at ease. Sometimes it just takes time for a person to understand that a family member's issues are a reflection of their insecurity, not yours or anyone else's. You can't make him believe, you can only make the way you say it very firm and clear.

As for your sister, unfortunately there's nothing you can do to make her grow up and behave. Frankly, her issues are something your parents and her will have to settle between them, and moreso, she needs to settle with herself. All you can really do is sit by the sidelines, watch, and be patient/supportive. :/

*hugs*

[noodle]

Well I have had some trouble with people as well and my SO than doubtin me but in my case it was one of his ''friends''. I dont even know if my brother knows about my relationship >_>
anyway you should first of talk to your SO and tell him that its not him, clear things up with him first and it should be alright
and actually the same for your sister, try to talk to her, her behaviour might be childish but still she's 23 >_>
I hope everything's goin to be fine *hugs*