We met because I did music. I had heard about his band before, as they have won a Billboard and a VMA, plus my manager was kind of obsessed with them. Being in the industry I had no intentions of dating a guy in the scene, but I just was taken away by him. His bandmates encouraged us, too; he hadn't expressed interest in a girl in almost 3 years and is very much a loner. I learned I was his 4th serious relationship and by the end of us I was his second longest; his longest was 7 years prior to me.
So we started dating. After a month it moved to an LDR. My only complaint at the time was his ED, but I have a very low sex-drive I honestly didn't mind. He explained he'd had ED since he was 19, though really he'd always had a very low sex drive and identifies more as an asexual. He didn't have a lot of experience dating because he was such a loner, so most girls would get frustrated with him and dump him. I had that problem too. I felt like things moved a little too quickly, but we were hard in the honeymoon phase so I went along with it. The LDR was a little tough, but we made sure to see each other for a week a month. It was a little difficult with his tour schedule and studio dates.
January came. He was acting off. I knew we were out of the honeymoon phase, but I couldn't understand what had happened. Nothing had changed, we still respected each other's space but made time. We have an overwhelming amount in common and our life goals and styles were the same. I knew something was wrong when I went to visit him for Valentine's weekend and he didn't even want to touch me. Normally we'd playfully fool around. March came and he told me his 'feelings had cooled from 100% to 70%' and 'I've been struggling with myself to not run back into my personal cave because this relationship and you are worth fighting for'. He asked for a break and I gave him space. He came back three days later saying how it was a mistake and I get him like no one else, and that letting me go would be a huge regret. He went back to being his normal, loving self.
He turned 30 in March and was pretty upset. I try to cheer him up and bought him legos and a coloring book of Bill Murray (his favorite actor. He still plays with Legos, too, which I think is awesome). We also began communicating better. When he'd get home from a tour he'd ask for a day of 'alone time' which I'd give him, as I have also been on tour and know how it is. When he didn't feel chatty he'd tell me and I would respect that. Time went on and I began to explore getting him aroused naturally, as he always felt bad when he couldn't stay hard and wanted to go the viagra route. I was successful a few times!
June I noticed he was pulling away again. I attributed this to his band signing to their first mega-label, getting new management, flying to New York and LA for meetings, etc. Not to mention he was stressed: money was thin for him, and he was moving into a new place. I was also moving up to his city but not ready to move in with him (we wanted to get a two-bedroom apartment so we could both have our own 'chill out' areas). I also noticed he was adding a lot of girls he'd met at gigs to facebook. These are very early 20's, brown-haired, big-butt girls (I am not his physical ideal: I am short-blond haired, with big boobs and a small butt I am working on). I'm not the jealous type, he can have female friends and with him being an attractive guy in the band there are going to be girls chatting him up. I trust him. I came up to see him and all was well. He left for a three-week long tour on the West Coast funded by the Grammy Committee.
A week after he left I was sexually attacked by a coworker. I called him and told him what happened. He was great and supportive and regularly checked in on me. All is well. Then he comes back from tour and was off. Two days later he calls me and says after a 40-minute conversation with a groupie in San Francisco he realized: "there are a lot of beautiful women out there and I need to keep my options open." Not to mention he wanted to "see where this can go" with the groupie; he wanted to pursue a what-if 3000 miles away. I told him to never speak to me again. About a week later he begs me to not kick him out of my life, that this was a mistake, he let the fame go to his head and got carried away. His friends were floored. They thought he was head-over-heels in love with me by his behavior and actions when we were together.
We talked. He confided that he's never been happy in a relationship, but he is also never happy single. Only times he can say he is truly happy when he is alone and reading a book. I asked him if he fell in love easily and he said no, but he did agree that he runs away with 'what if' possibilities when meeting girls he likes. He also says that he's worked so hard to be independent that he thinks he went a little overboard. He wants to get into counseling and work on himself, but its going to take time, he couldn't work his issues out while we were together, so we must try to do this apart. He told me he has difficulty maintaining any kind of relationship: friends, family, work, girls. He's thought often on leaving the band because it 'pulls him away from his private shell'.
A month passes, I don't hear much from him. Sometimes I would get upset and bitch him out via email, to which he'd calmly tell me that he is 'here for me when I need to talk' and is sorry, that he loves me but needs time to work on his issues. I see he is playing close to my city so I go up to the show. He sees me in the crowd, I get startled and run off. He chases me down the street begging me to talk to him. We stand outside for a bit, then he goes and plays his show. After his set he asks me if I want to talk, and I tell him no, there are a lot of good-looking girls at this show so he should talk to them. We end up talking anyway. He tells me its been a terrible month, he can't focus, every time he tries to chat up a girl all he can think about is me. He gets a text and I see on his phone is my picture as the lock and background screen. I ask him why and he says 'its not like I stare at it longingly or anything'. We talk more and he tells me that he truly wants us to work, but he can't get over the fact that he is terrified of 'forever with one girl'. I ask him to elaborate and he says: "For the first time in like five years I actually feel confident and good about myself! I have a lot going for me, and I feel like I am hitting my stride finally. I missed out on a lot in my twenties."
We go to dinner the next day I ask him why he came to dinner and he says he wouldn't waste his time if he didn't think there was still a chance, but he doesn't think its fair asking me to wait for him while he's sorting himself out, but also doesn't want me out of his life. He still thinks of me as wife material, but isn't done getting to know other girls yet. Given his asexual/exceptionally low sex-drive, why does he suddenly feel the need to run around? Besides me and the other girl from seven years ago he pretty much splits once the honeymoon period is over. He gets too caught up in "perfect love" and runs when the relationship isn't perfect, or pulls him away from his private bubble. I ask him what does he mean, does he want emotional flings? He doesn't know. I knew he was getting restless, sometimes he would complain our conversations had been boring. I worked all the time, saving up like mad to get to his city, and all he did was go to the studio or read. I tried to keep it interesting by talking about things we liked, but I admit I was getting bored too. We only had a few months until I moved.
Their next gig is in Indy three days later and he asks me to come. He gets me a backstage pass and looks very excited when I show up. After their set he walks up to me but I walk off. I spend the day ignoring him when he tries to talk to me. I see his bandmates and they all tell me how sorry they are, that I am the best thing that ever happened to him (when I told him this, he said: "I know, I've said that before"), he's a moron, and were confused because they 'don't have groupies' and 'never see him talking to other girls like he'd talk to you'. Eventually I get very angry with him and tell him I regret ever meeting him, he has always been a waste of my time and I hope the girl he ends up with stomps on his heart because he deserves it. I left, then apologized. He texted me the address of his hotel and said we should talk.
We ended up talking and crying for good four hours. I ask him again about my picture on his phone and he says it 'comforts him' and he 'doesn't want to forget'. He kept saying how he loves me, I'm right for him and wants to spend the rest of his life with me but there is a large part of him that is scared he is missing out and worries there might be something else out there. He keeps swearing he will make it right, that we are not over. He tells me he wants to see me in a few months when they come back nearby my city, but until then there is email, skype, and he wants me to talk to him, but he also needs time to sort himself out. We both part ways tearfully.
Now he's home. I sent him an email with some lost-cost counseling in his city and to apologize. He sends a passive aggressive message of "you needn't worry that this will push me away. I figure whatever I get I deserve and I just accept it...it's not a big deal in the long run." He tells me we will talk more when he gets the internet... except, he's had the internet since he moved. No contact since then.
tl;dr: Near asexual, blunt, loner with very little relationship experience in a successful band suddenly needs to 'see what else is out there', yet still keeps my picture as his phone lock-screen, won't throw away the gifts and pictures and swears we are not done. How do I move on from him as he probably isn't coming back?
So we started dating. After a month it moved to an LDR. My only complaint at the time was his ED, but I have a very low sex-drive I honestly didn't mind. He explained he'd had ED since he was 19, though really he'd always had a very low sex drive and identifies more as an asexual. He didn't have a lot of experience dating because he was such a loner, so most girls would get frustrated with him and dump him. I had that problem too. I felt like things moved a little too quickly, but we were hard in the honeymoon phase so I went along with it. The LDR was a little tough, but we made sure to see each other for a week a month. It was a little difficult with his tour schedule and studio dates.
January came. He was acting off. I knew we were out of the honeymoon phase, but I couldn't understand what had happened. Nothing had changed, we still respected each other's space but made time. We have an overwhelming amount in common and our life goals and styles were the same. I knew something was wrong when I went to visit him for Valentine's weekend and he didn't even want to touch me. Normally we'd playfully fool around. March came and he told me his 'feelings had cooled from 100% to 70%' and 'I've been struggling with myself to not run back into my personal cave because this relationship and you are worth fighting for'. He asked for a break and I gave him space. He came back three days later saying how it was a mistake and I get him like no one else, and that letting me go would be a huge regret. He went back to being his normal, loving self.
He turned 30 in March and was pretty upset. I try to cheer him up and bought him legos and a coloring book of Bill Murray (his favorite actor. He still plays with Legos, too, which I think is awesome). We also began communicating better. When he'd get home from a tour he'd ask for a day of 'alone time' which I'd give him, as I have also been on tour and know how it is. When he didn't feel chatty he'd tell me and I would respect that. Time went on and I began to explore getting him aroused naturally, as he always felt bad when he couldn't stay hard and wanted to go the viagra route. I was successful a few times!
June I noticed he was pulling away again. I attributed this to his band signing to their first mega-label, getting new management, flying to New York and LA for meetings, etc. Not to mention he was stressed: money was thin for him, and he was moving into a new place. I was also moving up to his city but not ready to move in with him (we wanted to get a two-bedroom apartment so we could both have our own 'chill out' areas). I also noticed he was adding a lot of girls he'd met at gigs to facebook. These are very early 20's, brown-haired, big-butt girls (I am not his physical ideal: I am short-blond haired, with big boobs and a small butt I am working on). I'm not the jealous type, he can have female friends and with him being an attractive guy in the band there are going to be girls chatting him up. I trust him. I came up to see him and all was well. He left for a three-week long tour on the West Coast funded by the Grammy Committee.
A week after he left I was sexually attacked by a coworker. I called him and told him what happened. He was great and supportive and regularly checked in on me. All is well. Then he comes back from tour and was off. Two days later he calls me and says after a 40-minute conversation with a groupie in San Francisco he realized: "there are a lot of beautiful women out there and I need to keep my options open." Not to mention he wanted to "see where this can go" with the groupie; he wanted to pursue a what-if 3000 miles away. I told him to never speak to me again. About a week later he begs me to not kick him out of my life, that this was a mistake, he let the fame go to his head and got carried away. His friends were floored. They thought he was head-over-heels in love with me by his behavior and actions when we were together.
We talked. He confided that he's never been happy in a relationship, but he is also never happy single. Only times he can say he is truly happy when he is alone and reading a book. I asked him if he fell in love easily and he said no, but he did agree that he runs away with 'what if' possibilities when meeting girls he likes. He also says that he's worked so hard to be independent that he thinks he went a little overboard. He wants to get into counseling and work on himself, but its going to take time, he couldn't work his issues out while we were together, so we must try to do this apart. He told me he has difficulty maintaining any kind of relationship: friends, family, work, girls. He's thought often on leaving the band because it 'pulls him away from his private shell'.
A month passes, I don't hear much from him. Sometimes I would get upset and bitch him out via email, to which he'd calmly tell me that he is 'here for me when I need to talk' and is sorry, that he loves me but needs time to work on his issues. I see he is playing close to my city so I go up to the show. He sees me in the crowd, I get startled and run off. He chases me down the street begging me to talk to him. We stand outside for a bit, then he goes and plays his show. After his set he asks me if I want to talk, and I tell him no, there are a lot of good-looking girls at this show so he should talk to them. We end up talking anyway. He tells me its been a terrible month, he can't focus, every time he tries to chat up a girl all he can think about is me. He gets a text and I see on his phone is my picture as the lock and background screen. I ask him why and he says 'its not like I stare at it longingly or anything'. We talk more and he tells me that he truly wants us to work, but he can't get over the fact that he is terrified of 'forever with one girl'. I ask him to elaborate and he says: "For the first time in like five years I actually feel confident and good about myself! I have a lot going for me, and I feel like I am hitting my stride finally. I missed out on a lot in my twenties."
We go to dinner the next day I ask him why he came to dinner and he says he wouldn't waste his time if he didn't think there was still a chance, but he doesn't think its fair asking me to wait for him while he's sorting himself out, but also doesn't want me out of his life. He still thinks of me as wife material, but isn't done getting to know other girls yet. Given his asexual/exceptionally low sex-drive, why does he suddenly feel the need to run around? Besides me and the other girl from seven years ago he pretty much splits once the honeymoon period is over. He gets too caught up in "perfect love" and runs when the relationship isn't perfect, or pulls him away from his private bubble. I ask him what does he mean, does he want emotional flings? He doesn't know. I knew he was getting restless, sometimes he would complain our conversations had been boring. I worked all the time, saving up like mad to get to his city, and all he did was go to the studio or read. I tried to keep it interesting by talking about things we liked, but I admit I was getting bored too. We only had a few months until I moved.
Their next gig is in Indy three days later and he asks me to come. He gets me a backstage pass and looks very excited when I show up. After their set he walks up to me but I walk off. I spend the day ignoring him when he tries to talk to me. I see his bandmates and they all tell me how sorry they are, that I am the best thing that ever happened to him (when I told him this, he said: "I know, I've said that before"), he's a moron, and were confused because they 'don't have groupies' and 'never see him talking to other girls like he'd talk to you'. Eventually I get very angry with him and tell him I regret ever meeting him, he has always been a waste of my time and I hope the girl he ends up with stomps on his heart because he deserves it. I left, then apologized. He texted me the address of his hotel and said we should talk.
We ended up talking and crying for good four hours. I ask him again about my picture on his phone and he says it 'comforts him' and he 'doesn't want to forget'. He kept saying how he loves me, I'm right for him and wants to spend the rest of his life with me but there is a large part of him that is scared he is missing out and worries there might be something else out there. He keeps swearing he will make it right, that we are not over. He tells me he wants to see me in a few months when they come back nearby my city, but until then there is email, skype, and he wants me to talk to him, but he also needs time to sort himself out. We both part ways tearfully.
Now he's home. I sent him an email with some lost-cost counseling in his city and to apologize. He sends a passive aggressive message of "you needn't worry that this will push me away. I figure whatever I get I deserve and I just accept it...it's not a big deal in the long run." He tells me we will talk more when he gets the internet... except, he's had the internet since he moved. No contact since then.
tl;dr: Near asexual, blunt, loner with very little relationship experience in a successful band suddenly needs to 'see what else is out there', yet still keeps my picture as his phone lock-screen, won't throw away the gifts and pictures and swears we are not done. How do I move on from him as he probably isn't coming back?
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