Heart is trusting, but my brain isn't.

[James77]

So I'm about 1 month into my LDR. I have a full time job and work a lot. My girlfriend is in her last year of college. I love her deeply, and I know that she would never cheat on me, but sometimes I have these thoughts that she is. She lives on campus and has quiet hours after 9pm, which is 8pm my time. We are only able to text during these hours, and this is when my brain starts to wonder and dream up that she is with someone else and that's why she can't Skype quietly for just a minut to say goodnight (or something like that) Or during the day if I send her a text or ask her to call, if I don't here back from her, I start thinking these ridiculous thoughts of why she isnt available. It's driving me nuts and making me frustrated.

What ideas do you guys have to maybe ease this situation. I know in my heart that she would never cheat on me, but my brain keeps concocting these crazy ideas.

[emsimes]

I think you just need to remember to relax and breathe
Even if she is not in contact with you all day, or she doesn't respond to you right away, it does not necessarily mean she is cheating or doesn't care. It most likely means that she is busy with school. Also, as for her quiet on-campus hours, it probably isn't so easy for her to Skype if she has roommates or a strict RA.

Have you been hurt in a past relationship? Is this why you are nervous about her cheating? I think you should give her the benefit of the doubt on this one. If you start to be too overbearing, it might drive her away.
I hope this helped, and best of luck to you

[RachelAnne]

^ What emsimes said. The reason she may not be able to Skype during quiet hours is because of a roommate, or she is just too busy with school work. I relate to you on this one. I've had trust issues for the longest time due to past relationships, etc, and sometimes i'll worry myself sick with the idea of him cheating, even though I know in my heart he wouldn't do that. It just drives me a little crazy is all, being so far away and not knowing. You just need to listen to your heart and trust that she wouldn't do anything like that and relax. Trust me, the more worked up you get about it, it'll just worsen the situation.

[LadyDaemon]

I agree with the other two ladies. You want to go ahead and try to get this into check now or it could lead to self sabotaging your relationship. I understand that fear because I've been cheated on a lot in my past relationships as well,and I had to learn the hard way because I started to do that in the beginning of my relationship with my now fiance. It got to the point that I started reading way to much into every little thing I saw another female say to him and it made me crazy. So please do yourself a favor and don't over think it and don't dwell on it or it will drive you crazy. What she says about college dorms is true,especially if she has a roommate. I had a roommate when I was staying on campus and we had quiet hours after 10 so if she went to sleep earlier then me I would have to hold off doing anything that meant me making noise or talking a lot. So give her benefit of the doubt and just chalk it up to the fact that she's busy and her living situation right now and don't freak out until she gives you a reason to. Try to find other things to do to occupy your time and mind during times when you can't talk to her and remember,talking every second of every day isn't always a good thing.

[aniay]

I know how you feel. I have exactly THE SAME problem. Heart knows better, I KNOW better but my brain keeps concocting scenarios of how girls keep throwing themselves at my SO.

I told him, he knows my brain works in a weird way and I stoppped feeling bad afterwards.

After talking the issue with my SO i realized that sometimes, because of what's happening around us, to other people and sometimes even because of our dreams we keep getting thoughts but as long as you don't act up on it, as long as it's only brain spouting nonsense, and we know it, it's okay.

I'm not having any problems with my SO looking at pretty girls and getting thoughts, it's just thoughts.

I accepted the fact that I'm a tad bit paranoid and a worry wart, it's how I am and because I know it I will never act on it because it's all in my head.

[James77]

Thanks for the input. Just for the record she doesn't have a roommate, and she is the RA, which makes since, she has to uphold the rules even more since she is an authority figure. Sounds like its going to be mind over matter (or heart over mind). I like the idea of occupying my time, probably my best bet.

[kacie]

Is it possible could put skype on, while she does work so you could just watch her working, I don't know if this would be too distracting to her though

[princessmaria]

You sound like my SO...
He has this exact same problem. It caused a lot of issues for us about a year into our relationship. My advice is just don't allow those thoughts to tear you two apart. Occupying your time instead of festering over what could be will definitely help you as well.

[Kitty Boo]

I agree with everyone else ... when you get these thoughts, try to remind yourself that she hasn't given you any reason not to trust her, so there's no reason why you should doubt her. Sometimes we just need these little reminders when our minds go into overdrive. Another tip that I find helps, is that when there is a situation where there could be both a positive and a negative reason behind it, always always assume the positive, if you must assume anything at all. This means you will be more likely to keep an open mind and not become accusatory and damage your relationship. Always assume the most positive unless she gives you adequate reason to believe otherwise. If you allow your thoughts to get in the way of your relationship, a self-fulfilling prophecy could happen, where you accuse her of cheating, she becomes stressed/annoyed/alienated and ends up finding comfort in another. Try not to push her away with your insecurities/worries.

It's difficult when your heart and mind don't agree with one another, but remember that living life from the mind alone makes us miss out on many opportunities and can make our lives less fulfilling. I hope you manage to feel better, and good luck! *hugs*

[silvermoonfairy3]

It's like you plucked this right from my brain, lol.
I completely get what you mean. Mine tends to be limited to specific circumstances where I know cheating could be an easy option (my guy was on vacation with a female friend last week. hellllloooo, paranoia.) as opposed to all the time, but I definitely understand the sentiment.

See what you can work on for brain-distraction. For me, it's worse if I don't have something to do that engages me. Go out with friends, do something challenging/take a new class, etc. Just find something to get your mind off it. I know, easier said than done!
Good luck

[James77]

Wow! Still happy with all the responses. Just going to have to try and remain as positive as possible. I definitely don't want to push her away. I'll try and keep everyone posted as to how things are going. Maybe I'll do that to occupy my time during those "crazy thought" times.

[Kitty Boo]

Wow! Still happy with all the responses. Just going to have to try and remain as positive as possible. I definitely don't want to push her away. I'll try and keep everyone posted as to how things are going. Maybe I'll do that to occupy my time during those "crazy thought" times.

Good luck James! We'll all keep our fingers crossed for you ^_^

[Moon]

Keep in mind that, right now, you two live very different lives, which makes it easy to allow your mind to screw with you, especially with the unfamiliarity of it all. You said she's in her last year of school, right? That means you only have something like 8 short months where you've gotta hold it together and keep yourself in check. Once she graduates, it'll be easier on you, I think. Just try to keep thinking as rationally as possible, realizing that she's giving you no reason to think she's doing anything wrong. Mistrust, especially when its wrongly placed, is a relationship killer. Good luck.