Am I wrong?

[lea22]

So here's the deal. 2 years into a very happy, secure relationship but the dreaded post-honeymoon rut has hit us.

One thing in particular is bothering me. SO has a hobby which takes him away a lot of weekends, which is key speaking time for us. These trips are often overseas meaning we hardly text or talk, when usually despite a time difference of 11 hours we manage about an hour most days. Now my problem is when he goes away i don't feel he's appreciating that I find that quite difficult (especially as these trips ALWAYS coincide with big stressful events for me) to not speak and I especially find it difficult that it ruins our saturday talk, which is the weekly skype date that is special to me.

We have spoken at length about this, but I still don't feel he understands that it's quite hurtful that he doesn't acknowledge that things in our relationship get sacrificed because of his hobby. I'm not asking asking him to stop going away, I'm just saying maybe put a bit more effort in in general as any gestures and surprises have dried up recently.

As many of you will agree, phone calls and skype are a poor supplement to spending time together, so it's really important to me. But, I feel like I am being a major bitch by not being happy that he's doing something he likes, and it's causing lots of stress for both of us.

I would really like you guys' take on this, and very honest opinions are most welcome.

[lyonsgirl]

I don't understand the question. Are you wrong about what? Are you wrong to be sad that it seems like your stressful events and his weekends away are "always" at the same time? Are you wrong to be beating a dead horse? Just trying to understand what you're looking for, here.

I can tell you this, though: if you've talked about an issue more than once, which it sounds like you have, it's time to let it go. Continually arguing about the same thing is not going to help your relationship at all.

[delightful]

I'm of two minds with this. I agree with your SO having time to do their hobbies, because it's important to have things you do that are for yourself and make you happy. I always encourage my SO to get out and do the hobbies he loves, just like you would in a regular relationship. I think the issue arises when, like you said, it takes away time from the weekly skype date you've organized. I'm not sure if this is a permanent thing you guys do, a tradition of some type? Or whether it's just something you do occasionally, but my feelings are that if it's a tradition type date, then it is important to be there and do it. LDR are tough enough without having the time you set aside to be together taken away as well, and I think it's really important to have this time together each week.

That being said, maybe you could bring it up with him about changing the day of the skype date each week, if that's possible? Maybe this would allow for you two still have the time together that you need in order to feel close, but he would still be able to continue with this hobby he clearly really seems to enjoy?
I think it's a lot about compromise, maybe if you even compromised to a skype date one week, and then for him to go out and do his hobby the next week? Maybe even pick up your own routine hobby on the same day so you can both be doing something you love and you're not focusing so much on the time apart?

I personally find mine and my SO's weekly skype dates really, really special, and I know that he does too. It just gives us some quality and much needed time together and we both value it as much as each other, which I think I'm really lucky with. Maybe if you know other things that your SO values in your relationship more than this skype date, you could make a comparison between the two so he can get a better understanding on why it makes you feel the way it does?

Hope that's not all too confusing and helps somewhat! Best of luck

[Moon]

On average, how many weekends is he gone for during the year? If you say something like 6, I'd say your being a bit selfish, and let him have his hobby, it makes him happy. If you say about 25, then I'd say it's time to cut that in half. "A lot" is a very relative term, it's hard to really advise you. It's always hard when our loved ones aren't around to talk to when we're feeling down, but that isn't their main purpose in life, so sometimes we have to be selfless in order to keep the relationship happy. Not so selfless that they get away with murder though. If you could post again, and clarify a little, it would be helpful.

[lea22]

On average, how many weekends is he gone for during the year? If you say something like 6, I'd say your being a bit selfish, and let him have his hobby, it makes him happy. If you say about 25, then I'd say it's time to cut that in half. "A lot" is a very relative term, it's hard to really advise you. It's always hard when our loved ones aren't around to talk to when we're feeling down, but that isn't their main purpose in life, so sometimes we have to be selfless in order to keep the relationship happy. Not so selfless that they get away with murder though. If you could post again, and clarify a little, it would be helpful.

It's more like 20 -25 weekends per year. Which isn't a worry for future because that's only happening while I'm overseas studying. But, right now, it's getting in the way of our routine.

I should add that I am a person who prefers routine and like to plan things, whereas he is not but he is extremely reliable if he makes plans. I also want to make clear, the going away isn't the problem as such, it's more like he doesn't understand or appreciate how much I dislike our/my routine messed up.

Am I being unreasonable to ask for for acknowledgement that it gets in the way of our saturday chats, or even expect him to make up for it in some other way?!

[lea22]

I'm of two minds with this. I agree with your SO having time to do their hobbies, because it's important to have things you do that are for yourself and make you happy. I always encourage my SO to get out and do the hobbies he loves, just like you would in a regular relationship. I think the issue arises when, like you said, it takes away time from the weekly skype date you've organized. I'm not sure if this is a permanent thing you guys do, a tradition of some type? Or whether it's just something you do occasionally, but my feelings are that if it's a tradition type date, then it is important to be there and do it. LDR are tough enough without having the time you set aside to be together taken away as well, and I think it's really important to have this time together each week.

That being said, maybe you could bring it up with him about changing the day of the skype date each week, if that's possible? Maybe this would allow for you two still have the time together that you need in order to feel close, but he would still be able to continue with this hobby he clearly really seems to enjoy?
I think it's a lot about compromise, maybe if you even compromised to a skype date one week, and then for him to go out and do his hobby the next week? Maybe even pick up your own routine hobby on the same day so you can both be doing something you love and you're not focusing so much on the time apart?

I personally find mine and my SO's weekly skype dates really, really special, and I know that he does too. It just gives us some quality and much needed time together and we both value it as much as each other, which I think I'm really lucky with. Maybe if you know other things that your SO values in your relationship more than this skype date, you could make a comparison between the two so he can get a better understanding on why it makes you feel the way it does?

Hope that's not all too confusing and helps somewhat! Best of luck

Thanks for your reply.

It's always been a tradition. And in the week is not so good because we're on opposites side of the world so when you guys in Aus are going to work, I'm going to bed.

Like I said in my most recent post, it's not like I'm asking for the hobby to stop (it's important that I don't stop a partner from doing anything they enjoy), I just want him to make it up to me in some other way!!

[lea22]

I don't understand the question. Are you wrong about what? Are you wrong to be sad that it seems like your stressful events and his weekends away are "always" at the same time? Are you wrong to be beating a dead horse? Just trying to understand what you're looking for, here.

I can tell you this, though: if you've talked about an issue more than once, which it sounds like you have, it's time to let it go. Continually arguing about the same thing is not going to help your relationship at all.

Thanks for your reply.

I think I've clarified it in the other posts, but did manage to ramble on a bit as was post discussion on same subject and quite upset!!

[Moon]

Well then, I don't blame you at all for being upset, that's a lot of time away. I do think he should acknowledge it and try to make up for it, especially if he knows that day is important to you, your feelings about it are very reasonable. When he's off doing whatever it is he's doing, is he back by Sunday, and if so, would changing your "special" day to Sunday be an option? The actual day isn't as important as the time spent, but I've found routine in an LDR makes them easier to deal with.

[Malaga]

The actual day isn't as important as the time spent, but I've found routine in an LDR makes them easier to deal with.

Absolutely. It's my number one advice for LDR. Routine is a lifesaver for me, I feel lost without it. If I have something I can count on, the distance isn't so much an issue anymore.

[lea22]

Well then, I don't blame you at all for being upset, that's a lot of time away. I do think he should acknowledge it and try to make up for it, especially if he knows that day is important to you, your feelings about it are very reasonable. When he's off doing whatever it is he's doing, is he back by Sunday, and if so, would changing your "special" day to Sunday be an option? The actual day isn't as important as the time spent, but I've found routine in an LDR makes them easier to deal with.

It's usually late Sunday, so no. but this traveling is something that is stopping, and becoming more irregular! I think he understands now why it bothers me, but thank you for making me not feel like a spoilt, selfish, needy girlfriend!

[lea22]

Absolutely. It's my number one advice for LDR. Routine is a lifesaver for me, I feel lost without it. If I have something I can count on, the distance isn't so much an issue anymore.

Absolutely, completely agreed.