Im stuck and need help!

[akilfoyle1192]

Currently me and Chelsea are in a rough spot,

To begin with, she is different. She has some psychological need to push the people that are closest to her away. i.e. we've gone through multiple accounts of this where she doesn't want anything to do with me, then later (usually the same day) will say that she truly loves me. It is apparent that she cant control these feelings and that she really does truly love me. I feel it in everything we did together. These can be quite frustrating but I understand that she has no control over these incidents and I comfort her the best that I can. She always knows that I am there for her. I love her and am willing to work through this. I truly am.

My next thing is that she has cheated before in the past, not with me, but with a previous relationship. She did this because she was gone and her relationship with him was failing in the first place. She doesn't hold any regret to doing this because this guy was really a sore loser. (hence why it was failing) However she believes she will never cheat again.

So overall my main concern is that I am worried that she will push me and then in her uncontrollable emotions she will cheat on me because she doesn't know what she is doing. It doesn't help when she tells me that she can't stop seeing this other person. She loves me to death but because I am not there she wants the comfort given by him.

I know that LDRs are quite hard and she has been through one before. I trust her completely. I know that she does love me and that she wont cheat on me.

We are on break at the moment because she wants to think.

Is there any advice that I should take? I just am overly stressed by this and I know this is a lot to handle if you've read all of this. I need some help.

-Aaron

[LadyMarchHare]

Is she seeing anyone for her problems? If not, first and foremost stress that she needs help. Counseling if she refuses medication. She's got a destructive problem and patience and love can only be so strong and you can't cure what you don't wholly understand. You're her boyfriend, not her therapist.

As for the cheating, it's been my experience that someone who emotionally distances themselves will not turn to someone else instead. When they push, they push EVERYONE. So unless the relationship is shattering like her last I don't think you need to worry about cheating, especially if she's fighting her own problems to keep coming back and saying she loves you.

[JoMarie]

I wouldn't worry about her cheating on you. If her past relationship was failing she obviously couldn't see it getting better and she moved on so to say. If your relationship is healthy it will be fine.

I agree with Lady, she does sound like she could use some help

[Silviar]

Is she seeing anyone for her problems? If not, first and foremost stress that she needs help. Counseling if she refuses medication. She's got a destructive problem and patience and love can only be so strong and you can't cure what you don't wholly understand. You're her boyfriend, not her therapist.

As for the cheating, it's been my experience that someone who emotionally distances themselves will not turn to someone else instead. When they push, they push EVERYONE. So unless the relationship is shattering like her last I don't think you need to worry about cheating, especially if she's fighting her own problems to keep coming back and saying she loves you.

Agreed 100% on both counts. I want to urge you to see if you or her family can get her to go into counseling. I also think counseling for you would be helpful as a safe place to vent, and so you could get some good tips on how to manage this as her partner.

[akilfoyle1192]

She isn't cheating on me, our break ended this morning with her telling me that she loves me and wants only me. She realizes that I am not out to hurt her like in her previous relationship.

I do agree that she does need help, and we have talked about it. She absolutely hates the idea of therapy because she has gone through it once before and it didn't work. I assume she making a broad statement at this point about help and therapy. I should point out that she went not for this reason we are talking about but for a completely different reason.

I think she may be suffering from a disorder known as BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. Of course I'm no doctor, but from what the internet says and her symptoms, she lines up pretty well. I myself suffer from a little depression, but I am in control of it

[Silviar]

I didn't think she was cheating, for the record. I read correctly that you were concerned it could happen due to her state of pushing away.

[akilfoyle1192]

I know, haha I was stating that because it was confirmed this morning :]

[paulawriteslove]

I agree with everyone else that she should get some kind of help. I'm happy that you two are back together!

[akilfoyle1192]

I am happy too, I think I just needed to calm down and let her simmer a bit. I hopefully will be able to get some kind of help with us. It isn't easy for her to understand that some sort of help does work.

[LadyMarchHare]

She isn't cheating on me, our break ended this morning with her telling me that she loves me and wants only me. She realizes that I am not out to hurt her like in her previous relationship.

I do agree that she does need help, and we have talked about it. She absolutely hates the idea of therapy because she has gone through it once before and it didn't work. I assume she making a broad statement at this point about help and therapy. I should point out that she went not for this reason we are talking about but for a completely different reason.

I think she may be suffering from a disorder known as BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. Of course I'm no doctor, but from what the internet says and her symptoms, she lines up pretty well. I myself suffer from a little depression, but I am in control of it

I generally don't like therapists myself but it's because I have issues that they like sticking with without talking about the here and now. However, the sheer act of being able to talk about what's bothering you without having the person attached to you in any way and legally bound to say nothing unless you plan to hurt yourself or others is a lot better than grabbing the nearest shoulder and going on about it and suffering in relative silence. Not only that but the therapist can help her figure out how to control her actions and how to get better. It takes time and like a relationship it takes communication and honesty (after all they can only help you with what they know is wrong) but if it didn't work people wouldn't be going to them. It's like psychiatrists, you might end up 'shopping around' when you don't like one, but when you find one that helps you, the difference is very noticeable.

Also, researching disorders is good only for going in and saying "I think I may have x, can we see if I do so it can be treated?" Self-diagnosing (or in this case, you diagnosing her) is frowned upon, but that's when you take the idea that you might, maybe, sorta have this and don't seek help or a professional opinion. That's basically because people will read symptoms and suddenly they have them, etc. I'm glad you're concerned enough to look at a possibility, though.

[akilfoyle1192]

I knows it's a big no-no but if we do talk about it I would like to know at least something about what I'm talking about. I know it's not a professional diagnosis, because I am neither a psychiatrist nor a doctor. I just want to create a good environment, one where she can feel safe, secure and comforted. I know this is important to do in a LDR anyway. Do you think it was right for me to do that though?