Dwindling Calls, Part 2

[Lunar Snow]

To update: We finally talked on the phone today (after the dwindling in phone calls)! Yay!? After all that waiting and hoping it's just that he is busy, we talked. The thing is, it was awkward. We had quite a few pauses (which happened before, but they didn't feel nearly so uncomfortable). The way he selected his vocabulary was really stand off-ish. Also, I could hear him in the background tapping rhythms with his fingers and even humming while he looked stuff up on the computer--I felt like something else was on his mind (and from knowing him, I am pretty aware that when he does things like that he is thinking about something else). To top it off, my phone lost its signal 7 times and he was probably irritated having to call me back each time.

I hope things go better next time we talk, but what happened to make us lose the magic? I will note that he was very sweet and somehow planned it that I have been getting a postcard every day this week. That's so romantic, but I have tried to tell him that I need the connection of what we had doing long-distance dates and phone calls and sharing life, too. I don't think he gets it or, even worse, he has lost interest in me as a girlfriend. Since I have been home from seeing him (almost a month now), his phone calls and such are less and less frequent, but he seems to also use less affectionate vocabulary, and doesn't initiate or respond very much to erm...passionate things (the guy is 26 and his girlfriend is 2000 miles away...I find it odd that he's not hinting around a little). As I have said before, he sometimes suffers from insomnia. Though, before the visit, he was wanting to talk to me every day, because he couldn't sleep without hearing from me and I had a calming effect, etc. Lately, I have seen him as online on Skype into the wee hours of the morning (where, if he is sleeping, he always puts his status on away or offline), so I decided to talk to him just now and he is watching news shows and such, which aren't helping him sleep. (So, now, I guess I'm no longer comforting to him?)

I feel like his attraction to me might have fizzled, have a sense like I am not helping him with things like stress and sleep and just sound like a nag, and feel freaked out that he is satisfying his other em...needs...by doing something else or being interested in someone else...and once he goes back to school on Monday, all these things will just get even worse (Okay, I know it sounds like I might be jumping to conclusions a bit, and I could be, but I have already written so much that I don't want to go on too much <.<;;; ).

Comments?

[JoMarie]

I think that you need to write your concerns down, tell him that you NEED to talk right away, and voice your concerns to him. I know LDRs are hard, but communication is KEY to a successful LDR. You need to let him know how you feel and how concerned you are about the chances you see in him, and hopefully you'll figure something out.

[Silviar]

Something to consider: you may be experiencing a gender/personality difference, regarding this particular matter. Let me use myself and my boyfriend as an example.

My boyfriend, like yours, has sleeping problems from time to time. Also, when we've been apart, he goes through long periods where he doesn't always respond to passionate overtures from myself. The things that you like and that arouse or make you feel passionate may not work for him, and he may find it really difficult to meet all of those things that make you feel particularly loved. It doesn't mean he loves you any less, but rather he's limited in feeling there are ways he can express that love, particularly through long distance.

My example: I love e-cuddling and sending cute messages. My boyfriend doesn't find any fulfillment from that, and if he's really missing me, he just can't do them because it doesn't give him any emotional enjoyment/he's missing me too hard.

Lacking in sleep makes even the best people irritable, crabby, and not really into talking, no matter how much they love you. It's of course made harder because you can't be there to experience it, if you know what I mean.

Calm down, don't freak out, and consider other possibilities, like the ones I mentioned in my situation. The fact he took the time and effort to send you those postcards speaks volumes. Hardly anyone snail-mails.

[Lunar Snow]

Thanks for the alternative perspectives. Last night, I talked to him about a bit of it online (again, we aren't dealing with problems on the phone or webcam, like we agreed to). Regarding the...erm...passionate things, he says that he does think about them a lot and was reminded to express his thoughts to me more and followed it up with some expression to that effect before he went to bed. Really, though, I still feel like something is up with that and I would rather think it is something else like being a tired curmudgeon than being sated with me and not bothering. So, I guess since we have talked about that, I will just wait and see.

I did mention the phone again, too, and doing our dates, so he suggested a game (several weeks ago, we did his choice of game and I lost rather horribly, so it was supposed to have been my choice for weeks, but we never got around to that date). I was kind of perking up to it earlier in the day, but then there was no phone call at the usual time. I find that he has been sitting on twitter since he got home from work, which is fine, but I feel like it's not respecting some of our attempts to do things earlier in the night so that both of us can do other things later and get proper sleep. This also comes from a guy who had and has very odd things he does with Facebook and Twitter (really protective of his personal information and kind of down on the necessity of them) and I had to work very hard for him to find they are fun, in some ways, but now I feel like he has turned into a monster, wanting to (and this is a direct quote) "self market." Uh...what? Who exactly are you marketing to? Now, I know it is immature/ selfish, but I kind of want to cancel our date, as I had other things I had planned for later in the night and my family members sometimes don't approve of or feel annoyed by the time some of my communications take with him (when they impinge on talks we need to have or chores, etc.), so I had some time set aside for them. Plus, he did finally do a webcam call (I only came on voice, since my hair looks like a bird's nest right now) and I had to take off to check on the part of dinner I was in charge of. When I came back, I couldn't hear anything he was saying, and he kept telling me it must be on my side (although he routes radio stations and his composition software through his speakers and sometimes more, at the same time we are talking, often...so I think it was on his side, because nothing I was doing was fixing it)--frustration! So, I just said I had to help with dinner and now he wants to play the game later (but after I do all the other things I promised, it will be 1am his time! He has work tomorrow and even if he can't sleep, I can't imagine that he will be jovial while playing a game). Ugh.

As for letters, it is pretty charming. Speaking of which, when the 10th rolled around (I got him to agree that we should send some sort of letter or postcard in the mail once a month, though I kept the specific date as a restriction for myself, since he likes to be more spontaneous) I didn't have much to say in a letter and I have kept leaving it and now haven't sent him anything! Gah! I wonder if I write something tonight if it will get there before the end of the month (I feel more like writing something now). Even before that, though, he has liked to send surprise packages, the occasional letter, and lots of postcards. He really likes getting something concrete in the post and has quite the fascination with it, as do I (though, it is an odd contradiction sometimes that he and I also spend so much time on the computer ^.^; ).

Anyway, rambling. The short of it is that we talked, but I am not sure that that really worked out for us. Something which you bring to mind, Silviar, is that maybe I should ask him if he thinks we should talk less now that he will be back at school. That would suck, to be honest, but at least I would know that we will be officially talking less and maybe he and I could work out some sort of schedule. Do you think that is a good idea or am I sort of backing myself into the pit of where exactly I don't want to be (i.e. talking to him less)?

[paulawriteslove]

I'm glad to hear that some things are getting better But I think that you should talk to him about the issues. Try not to make this talk too serious though!