Trust issues...idk what to do :(

[tuushay]

So my SO other and I have been in a relationship for 3 months. I care about him so much but he has a lot of trust issues. Before our relationship, he was in a long relationship (7 years) and she cheated on him.

So coming into the relationship I figured there would be some issues sigh trust but I didn't think they would be this bad. I try my hardest to prove to him that I would never be disloyal to him and would never disrespect him in anyway. I spend all my free time with him. I hardly go anywhere. If I'm not in class of at work I'm talking to him or texting him.

He always tells me that he's trying his hardest to work on his trust issues. And I am trying my hardest to work with him. But he lets his assumptions get him to the point where he's ready to give up. We talk through it I tell him again that he should give us time to build and allow me to show him that I can be trusted. This works until the next time he's confronting me about things he thinks I do and how he don't think this would work. I don't understand.

Well I understand the fear of getting hurt. I have that same fear. I just love him so much that I let my trust outweigh that fear. And I wish he could do the same. I just don't know that he can. I feel like I'm just waiting for the day when his trust issues are going to cause him to end the relationship and he's not going to be open to anymore talking. We are actually dealing with this right now.

I really love him and I can't imagine not being with him. I just don't know what else to do. I'm trying so hard. :'(

[Kitty Boo]

Trust issues are one of the most difficult issues to deal with, unfortunately. One of my friends had to end a relationship because the guy she was dating had major trust issues. As in, it started off with assumptions about who she was with or what she was doing, to outright trying to control her, telling her what she could or she could not do, to paranoia and sneaking around checking her messages etc. I'm not saying you will end up like that, but what I am saying is it is a major problem and needs to be fixed, or improved at least, if you're going to have any chance with this relationship.

While you can "work with him" and try to help him over this, the task ultimately lies with him. He needs to want to change, to want to improve and get over it and make it work. It's a problem that's in his head - while you could help him and nurse him back to health if it was an external wound, there's nothing you can really do about something internal. He's going to have to slowly try to change his way of thinking - which is easier said than done.

This is a hard issue to deal with, but to begin with, I would suggest to tell him if he must assume something, try his best to assume the most positive. For example, if you are late home, and he thinks it could be because you were in a traffic jam, or you were cheating on him, assume the most positive (i.e. traffic jam). This will hopefully help ease his feelings of paranoia. And for you, you could try to send him updates about what you're doing more often. Reassure him that you are faithful.

You could also try doing little sweet things for him, like a sweet letter or message, or just little things to show him that you're thinking of him throughout the day. Show him your devotion. Hopefully, this is an issue that will resolve itself over time, if he is willing to put in the work, once you've been together longer and the relationship is more stable. In the beginning there can be many feelings of doubt and instability, but once you're both in a stable, established relationship, trust should become much easier. But until then, he will have to work on his way of thinking, and you will have to try your best to stand by him and be understanding about the issue and try your best to be reassuring.

If you want to chat, feel free to PM me! Good luck!

[lilcupcake]

I don't know if you saw my post about jealousy. but me and my SO just had some problems. I was the being hard headed, though. I was just being paranoid because of my past, as well. we were able to talk about it. I believe if he really loves you, he will keep trying and eventually he will see you arent out to hurt him. I think it's also important for you to consider that seven years is a long time, and maybe he isnt ready for a relationship. but that doesn't mean you can't be around and wait for him to be ready.

[princessmaria]

Sometimes the best course of action is not to pacify the situation. He won't be able to build trust for you if every time he doesn't trust you, you jump up and fix it. That isn't what trust is about. My SO has major trust issues, he still does (he has PTSD, there's nothing I can do about that so I don't fault him for it). In the beginning of our relationship I would sacrifice going places just to ease his mind; I would put his issue above everything in my life. He got used to me pacifying him and he never bothered to actually try trusting me since he started to expect me to be able to prove that I wasn't cheating or with someone else. I'd video-chat with him just about anywhere from my phone, or drop everything I was doing and rush over to my laptop to video-chat with him. It came to the point where anytime I left the house I felt anxious.

Eventually, I had to put my foot down because I have enough anxiety as is. I told him he was being an idiot (using those exact words) and that he was about to destroy our entire relationship based off of his own crazy assumptions. He was going to lose me forever based on literally nothing. I stopped proving myself to him, because that isn't what trust is about. You can't always prove you aren't doing this or that, your SO just has to TRUST that you are not doing this or that.

He hated it but eventually he stopped all together. He still has paranoid thoughts but he has learned not to project them outwardly and verbally punish me for them like he used to. If he would not have stopped then we just would have broken up...
There's really no way around trust issues. Either you fix it or it's broken for good and it's best you two split up. You can only pacify the situation for so long before your current efforts stop working and he needs even MORE validation.

You need to force your SO into situations where he has no choice but to trust you. If this breaks him entirely then it isn't your job to make him trust you. Unless you've done something previously to lose his trust, he needs to get a grip. You aren't his ex, and if he isn't ready to trust someone right now he shouldn't have decided to be in a relationship in the first place.

Please don't put all of the weight of this on your shoulders. It's his problem, not yours...

[tuushay]

Thank you all very much for your advice. I appreciate it. After thinking long and hard about it, I definitely agree with what you all are saying. Right now things aren't working out to well. Thanks for all the support though.