need advice v2.0

[Hollandia]

Honestly, while we were the ones who asked for advice and we try to value all of it, I fail to see how you reached that conclusion with what was said.
First of all:
" You say friends, but there are plenty of gal pals out there on the internet too. If you want this relationship to work then I suggest you find a few, you don't have problems making friends with these guys"
What the hell. Is there a page for galfriendfinders in Estonia that she didnt know about? How did you think that was good advice? She does have trouble making friends and I know that.
"You have to be able to choose him over them over because you love him enough"
I dont want her to choose them over me. She has the right to have a good social life. I want her to hang out and talk to them since there are things she cant talk about with me, as she has some interests that we dont share. The whole point of the thread was not because she talks to guys, its because in several (rare) occasions she has put them ahead of me. Rare as they might be, even one is too much.
"You want to be able to date other men but you don't wish to hurt him."
Again, you must have psychic powers if you could read that from what was said.

I responded to her response. When she responds if she wants I will respond again.

You are now back tracking on half of what you took issue with, if so. Then I am happy you are content.

[Turbopantsu]

You have to be able to choose him over them over because you love him enough. If you don't love him enough then you are not ready for this type of LDR. It sounds to me like a few excuses are being made about lacking common sense and this need you have for attention. Forgive me if I am reading between the lines a bit but this post sounds like you are admitting that you look for male attention? You say friends, but there are plenty of gal pals out there on the internet too. If you want this relationship to work then I suggest you find a few, you don't have problems making friends with these guys so I don't buy the "it is hard for you to make friends" statement. You sound like you want male friends because of the attention and type of attention they give you that females don't.

I find it most alarming that when you are spending time with your BF you were actively looking to see if they were online. This means you prefer their company to his. I hate to say this but I think you already know that you don't really want a committed relationship at this point in your life. You want to be able to date other men but you don't wish to hurt him. You are trying to let him down easy and/or convince yourself you gave it your best shot but it was out of your hands.

You need to dig deep, if this is how you feel. Let him go and find someone that will love him and treat him as he deserves to be treated, if you do. Please don't string him along afterwards to satiate your desire for more attention. That would be cruel.

Honestly, while we were the ones who asked for advice and we try to value all of it, I fail to see how you reached that conclusion with what was said.
First of all:
" You say friends, but there are plenty of gal pals out there on the internet too. If you want this relationship to work then I suggest you find a few, you don't have problems making friends with these guys"
What the hell. Is there a page for galfriendfinders in Estonia that she didnt know about? How did you think that was good advice? She does have trouble making friends and I know that.
"You have to be able to choose him over them over because you love him enough"
I dont want her to choose them over me. She has the right to have a good social life. I want her to hang out and talk to them since there are things she cant talk about with me, as she has some interests that we dont share. The whole point of the thread was not because she talks to guys, its because in several (rare) occasions she has put them ahead of me. Rare as they might be, even one is too much.
"You want to be able to date other men but you don't wish to hurt him."
Again, you must have psychic powers if you could read that from what was said.

[Hollandia]

thanks for the replies guys.

we've been talking about it a lot today and yesterday and i don't like what i've realised. i'm terrible to/for him and i don't know if i can stop feeling this way. every time i feel like messaging a friend i can't stop thinking about how attentionwhorish it makes me. this is my second relationship, the previous one was also a ld one and it's so different from that one. i'm not used to the idea that the things i do actually matter and that an amazing guy actually loves me. i'm taking it for granted. we have a beautiful future planned out but it's going to take years to happen and i don't want him to feel bad in these years, always worrying that i'm after other dudes or they're after me. i seriously hope we can work it out but if we can't i'm afraid i'm going to have to let him go because he deserves both short and long term happiness.

You have to be able to choose him over them over because you love him enough. If you don't love him enough then you are not ready for this type of LDR. It sounds to me like a few excuses are being made about lacking common sense and this need you have for attention. Forgive me if I am reading between the lines a bit but this post sounds like you are admitting that you look for male attention? You say friends, but there are plenty of gal pals out there on the internet too. If you want this relationship to work then I suggest you find a few, you don't have problems making friends with these guys so I don't buy the "it is hard for you to make friends" statement. You sound like you want male friends because of the attention and type of attention they give you that females don't.

I find it most alarming that when you are spending time with your BF you were actively looking to see if they were online. This means you prefer their company to his. I hate to say this but I think you already know that you don't really want a committed relationship at this point in your life. You want to be able to date other men but you don't wish to hurt him. You are trying to let him down easy and/or convince yourself you gave it your best shot but it was out of your hands.

You need to dig deep, if this is how you feel. Let him go and find someone that will love him and treat him as he deserves to be treated, if you do. Please don't string him along afterwards to satiate your desire for more attention. That would be cruel.

[sarahjane1992]

We pretty much already talked it out as much as we can... We just want advice.

I understand that. LD relationships are hard. Really really hard. I know if I was in your situation, I would not tolerate my SO hanging out with several girls like your SO is hanging out with several guys. There has to freedom to go out and have fun without "laying down the law." It's a balancing act of sorts.
Obviously, when we're apart we have to trust our SO's. We both are out and about around people of the opposite gender, but I'm not worried one bit about my SO doing something stupid. Either is he for me. We made a commitment and we're sticking to it.
It's a hard situation that you're in with your SO. I would say just keep talking it out until you both reach an agreement that's fair to both parties. Have you asked your SO how she'd feel if the roles were reversed?

[kardin]

thanks for the replies guys.

we've been talking about it a lot today and yesterday and i don't like what i've realised. i'm terrible to/for him and i don't know if i can stop feeling this way. every time i feel like messaging a friend i can't stop thinking about how attentionwhorish it makes me. this is my second relationship, the previous one was also a ld one and it's so different from that one. i'm not used to the idea that the things i do actually matter and that an amazing guy actually loves me. i'm taking it for granted. we have a beautiful future planned out but it's going to take years to happen and i don't want him to feel bad in these years, always worrying that i'm after other dudes or they're after me. i seriously hope we can work it out but if we can't i'm afraid i'm going to have to let him go because he deserves both short and long term happiness.

[Turbopantsu]

I agree with this. You have to talk with your SO and figure out a schedule and way to talk that works best. Me and my SO found a rhythm that works best for us. It took a little time, but we figured it out. And if you're exclusive, you shouldn't be spending so much time with other guys. Bottom line.
Also, I know people come here for advice, but since both people in the relationship are posting it's a little weird. They need to talk it out together. Not on this forum. That's just my opinion.

We pretty much already talked it out as much as we can... We just want advice.

[sarahjane1992]

Pfff.. This thread is just a little offsetting.
Reading all of it just makes me wonder if you are both ready for LDR...?
Especially the girl just seems to like the attention but not the hassle that a LDR is. Her enjoying the attention of men that are closer over the boyfriend is just wrong.. sorry.
Having to set such a list of rules, of which most seem obvious, is just a sign that both of you have different views on how to handle it.

I agree with this. You have to talk with your SO and figure out a schedule and way to talk that works best. Me and my SO found a rhythm that works best for us. It took a little time, but we figured it out. And if you're exclusive, you shouldn't be spending so much time with other guys. Bottom line.
Also, I know people come here for advice, but since both people in the relationship are posting it's a little weird. They need to talk it out together. Not on this forum. That's just my opinion.

[Safihre]

Pfff.. This thread is just a little offsetting.
Reading all of it just makes me wonder if you are both ready for LDR...?
Especially the girl just seems to like the attention but not the hassle that a LDR is. Her enjoying the attention of men that are closer over the boyfriend is just wrong.. sorry.
Having to set such a list of rules, of which most seem obvious, is just a sign that both of you have different views on how to handle it.

She says it wouldnt bother her. But then again, I didnt think it would bother me either until it happened.

Hello.
Sorry to be blunt, but I don't believe it wouldn't bother her. I'm guessing she just hasn't been in your position before.
I agree with Dezface, I'd start to wonder why she wants to act this way. It's not healthy for your SO to want to spend more time with their male friends than with you (her boyfriend). You'll just end up getting even more hurt unless you can get to the bottom of why she is prioritising them over you.

My advice is to, again, talk about it all. There is a reason she'll be acting this way. Just have to figure it out.
Best of luck!

[Turbopantsu]

That's of concern to me. I can't tell if it's just an excuse or a serious lack of knowledge. OP-A good rule of thumb, even if it is cliche, is to treat others how you want to be treated. If there's something you would not like your boyfriend doing, don't do it yourself. Or would none of this bother you? If he were to meet up with female online friends and spend hours with them, how would you feel? Maybe this can give me a better understanding of where you're coming from.

She says it wouldnt bother her. But then again, I didnt think it would bother me either until it happened.

[Dezface]

My trouble is that she says that she lacks that common sense and asked me to tell her what's acceptable and what isnt. She was the one that asked me for hard and fast rules.
And I do agree, I do think that setting a time limit is over the top but when I said to just use your common sense to see how much is too much she said she lacked the ability to know how much is too much.

That's of concern to me. I can't tell if it's just an excuse or a serious lack of knowledge. OP-A good rule of thumb, even if it is cliche, is to treat others how you want to be treated. If there's something you would not like your boyfriend doing, don't do it yourself. Or would none of this bother you? If he were to meet up with female online friends and spend hours with them, how would you feel? Maybe this can give me a better understanding of where you're coming from.

[Turbopantsu]

It feels like both of you are having a lot of trouble figuring out what's acceptable in a relationship. OP-You are not respecting your relationship. You are putting other men ahead of your SO. Even if it's in a "friendly" context, it's not OK.

Turbo-Setting hard and fast rules is too much. If I had a set list of things I couldn't do, I'd do them just to prove a point. And all those rules guarding against "too much" of something, I can get why that would be confusing. Too late and too long are very subjective.

But OP you really need to just use common sense and figure out what's appropriate and what's not. I get that you have a hard time making friends. But there has to be a little voice in the back of your head telling you "hey, you've been out with this friend long enough. Time to call it a night and spend some time with the boyfriend." If you really truly don't have that, then I don't think you're ready for a relationship.

My trouble is that she says that she lacks that common sense and asked me to tell her what's acceptable and what isnt. She was the one that asked me for hard and fast rules.
And I do agree, I do think that setting a time limit is over the top but when I said to just use your common sense to see how much is too much she said she lacked the ability to know how much is too much.

[Dezface]

It feels like both of you are having a lot of trouble figuring out what's acceptable in a relationship. OP-You are not respecting your relationship. You are putting other men ahead of your SO. Even if it's in a "friendly" context, it's not OK.

Turbo-Setting hard and fast rules is too much. If I had a set list of things I couldn't do, I'd do them just to prove a point. And all those rules guarding against "too much" of something, I can get why that would be confusing. Too late and too long are very subjective.

But OP you really need to just use common sense and figure out what's appropriate and what's not. I get that you have a hard time making friends. But there has to be a little voice in the back of your head telling you "hey, you've been out with this friend long enough. Time to call it a night and spend some time with the boyfriend." If you really truly don't have that, then I don't think you're ready for a relationship.

[Hollandia]

Ok so my girlfriend and I have talked about boundaries and being reasonable about being with these guys but she said that she doesnt really know whats reasonable so she asked me to tell her what's reasonable and what isnt so I came up with the following:
while talking to other people online
1: No flirting (this is obvious)
2: No indecent themes, that includes them sending you innapropriate things or you talking about inapropriate things
3: Ignoring me
4:Spending way too much time with them
While talking to me:
1: Not talking to other people at same time
2: No checking skype icon every 5 seconds
While out with people:
1: Message me whenever possible
2:No dinner and no hanging out at home like we agreed
3:No touching other than handshakes and the regular stuff
4:No getting too drunk
5: No staying out with them too late or for too long
She agreed to all of these. However she says that she doesnt know what's "staying with them too late or for too long". I dont know what to say to that and she says she doesnt know whats too long so how do we fix that?

That is pretty hard to say, setting exact time limits sounds a bit over the top. Did you also agree to these rules for her? If so, then you two need to negotiate what is a time range you can both agree on.

[Turbopantsu]

Ok so my girlfriend and I have talked about boundaries and being reasonable about being with these guys but she said that she doesnt really know whats reasonable so she asked me to tell her what's reasonable and what isnt so I came up with the following:
while talking to other people online
1: No flirting (this is obvious)
2: No indecent themes, that includes them sending you innapropriate things or you talking about inapropriate things
3: Ignoring me
4:Spending way too much time with them
While talking to me:
1: Not talking to other people at same time
2: No checking skype icon every 5 seconds
While out with people:
1: Message me whenever possible
2:No dinner and no hanging out at home like we agreed
3:No touching other than handshakes and the regular stuff
4:No getting too drunk
5: No staying out with them too late or for too long
She agreed to all of these. However she says that she doesnt know what's "staying with them too late or for too long". I dont know what to say to that and she says she doesnt know whats too long so how do we fix that?