need advice v2.0

[dem&ter]

Yeah this may sound judgemental but I think you're both just not ready for having an LDR.

[snow]

Sadly there is no advice left to give other than what has already been said.
Have designated couple time where you don't talk to other people - there is no need to ignore anyone, just tell them you're spending time with each other for a while. I just did the exact same with my (male) friend: I told him my man and I are having a movie night and I will talk to him later. If they respect your relationship, they will respect that couples need couple time and if they don't then it does tell you something about them.

To you, Turbopantsu, it seems it was a mistake that she put someone else before you and is not treating you the way she is treating another guy - e.g. the video call/no talking issue.
If she apologized and understood that it upset you, then you both have to grow from this experience and forgive each other, if you can.
Honestly, I can see that you're upset that your girlfriend is talking to other guys while it's couple time to you and that she's not doing the same for you, but you have to communicate this, she has to try to understand it and you both try again.

In the beginning of our relationship I had problems with common sense myself and I needed my partner to tell me what exactly upset him, then we talked about it and I learned from it.

To kardin: Now you know what he doesn't like and what makes him upset, which is a good thing. Learn from what happened.

Best of luck to you. You can send me a PM if you want to talk about this some more.

[Turbopantsu]

OK then, my advice would be to get over yourself. If you have no problem with her going out with other guys and you trust her not to cheat (or do you?) then accept the fact that time spent with other people is when she's focused on them, not you. You sound quite overbearing. Chill out. Stop kicking up drama if she's 10 minutes late or blowing up her phone when you know she's with someone else. You want her to have a good social life but you also want her to drop a phone call with friend when you come online. She can't blow everyone else off the moment you contact her, life doesn't work that way. It's not a test of how important you are to her. If something is urgent, communicate it clearly and ask her directly to call you or whatever. It's no wonder she's confused about which boundaries you think are appropriate. If she can't be 10 minutes late without you working up a frenzy, there's not much trust you have in her. Set a time in the day when you talk, make it something reasonable and let her work on her social life in the mean time. For someone who supposedly has a problem making friends, she seems to be doing well lately, which is good, right?

kardin, you sound insecure in a few ways. Relax. Nothing you did seems as awful as you claim it to be. Just stick to agreements as much as possible, and don't make promises you're not sure you can keep. It's rude to chat to other people while you're talking to your boyfriend - but also the other way round. You guys need to set up a routine when you talk exclusively to each other and then you need to stick to it. Focus on one person at a time.

I dont think you understood. My quarrel is that i messaged her and she didnt message me back. I didn't want her to drop the call to call me immediately. Hell, I was in a part of the house where the internet isnt good enough for calls so I just wanted some text chat. It bugged me that when she was videochatting with me she had no problems talking to other people at the same time but when she was videochatting with him she somehow couldnt text back. Especially since she knew I had a pretty crappy day.

Turbo: Stop smothering kardin. She is entitled to her own life and if you do indeed trust her, then let her be. Be sensible, talk to her and make sure that you are both on the same page. RELAX.

kardin: Talk to Turbo and be on the same page as one-another. Set boundaries so that you can feel confident about your own decisions.

[Malaga]

We pretty much already talked it out as much as we can... We just want advice.

OK then, my advice would be to get over yourself. If you have no problem with her going out with other guys and you trust her not to cheat (or do you?) then accept the fact that time spent with other people is when she's focused on them, not you. You sound quite overbearing. Chill out. Stop kicking up drama if she's 10 minutes late or blowing up her phone when you know she's with someone else. You want her to have a good social life but you also want her to drop a phone call with friend when you come online. She can't blow everyone else off the moment you contact her, life doesn't work that way. It's not a test of how important you are to her. If something is urgent, communicate it clearly and ask her directly to call you or whatever. It's no wonder she's confused about which boundaries you think are appropriate. If she can't be 10 minutes late without you working up a frenzy, there's not much trust you have in her. Set a time in the day when you talk, make it something reasonable and let her work on her social life in the mean time. For someone who supposedly has a problem making friends, she seems to be doing well lately, which is good, right?

@kardin, you sound insecure in a few ways. Relax. Nothing you did seems as awful as you claim it to be. Just stick to agreements as much as possible, and don't make promises you're not sure you can keep. It's rude to chat to other people while you're talking to your boyfriend - but also the other way round. You guys need to set up a routine when you talk exclusively to each other and then you need to stick to it. Focus on one person at a time.

[Turbopantsu]

Wow this thread...just wow. She: Needs to make time for her SO He: Needs to stop being a paranoid, controlling prick.

Honestly I am quite afraid I am being very controlling. But I have simply followed the advice in the thread. People gave the advice of setting boundaries and boundaries were set and she agreed on them. I even asked her if she saw something wrong with any of them and she said she didnt. What exactly do you think makes me controlling so I can work on it?

[Black_Halloween]

Wow this thread...just wow. She: Needs to make time for her SO He: Needs to stop being a paranoid, controlling ********.

[Hollandia]

She did reply to your post incase you didnt notice.

Yes, I was reading and responding. LOL. This is not a chat room.
It is great to hear that she does have her priorities set on you and I am happy for both of you.

[Hollandia]

i choose him over others the majority of time, the times i don't are incredibly rare. we spend most of the time we're not in university together, we're generally on a call from the moment we both get home to the moment one of us has to leave. when we've been not actively doing something and just doing our own thing while on the call i have talked to other people but not because i need the attention, i'm interested in how they're doing. when we're talking and i check the skype icon it's because some of my idiot friends message me no matter what my online status is. i love my man to the moon and back and i didn't think he would be this bothered by it. i do lack common sense because i am a fairly simple person who hasn't done much interacting in her life. i've tried making female friends online but they all somehow fade away, usually because they get boyfriends. i get plenty of male attention from my boyfriend but now that several posts have implied i look for it i feel disgusted with myself whenever i think of talking to any guy who isn't family.
i'm not interested in dating other men, i'm not the one that has proposed meeting up. my guy is perfect for me and i wouldn't trade him for anyone and he knows it. we're both young and each other's first serious so's. we're both new to serious relationships so there's a lot to learn. i don't want to give him up but i would if it made him happier.

It sounds like you did look deep and you know what you want. You want him. He told what he expected and you have agreed to it. This should make it easier for you to not step over any lines and hurt him by doing so. Common sense is something that can be learned and not just born with. The more life experiences you have, the more you will acquire. Whatever does not destroy you only makes you stronger is true about relationships as well. Hopefully the two of you will move forward stronger then ever before and remember to always try to think of what walking in the other's shoes would be like when faced with such decisions in life. If you both truly love each other enough then all obstacles can be overcome.

[Turbopantsu]

If the two of you are okay with the list, then all should move forward. Her post was what I addressed and she mentioned "letting you go" so perhaps you need to talk to her again if you don't like the public arena and you feel that you only want advice to answer your OP and not any that might follow such as hers. I wish you both the best.

She did reply to your post incase you didnt notice.

[Hollandia]

Again, I am not upset about that she was out or talking with them, I was upset because she was talking to them while with me, that when she did go out she spent a lot of time with them and ignored me. See the difference? Nothing wrong with hanging out or talking to them but there is a problem in ignoring me or talking to them while we are together.

"You felt a need to tell her to be involve touching or flirting with the guy friends"
I know for a fact that she has never flirted or touched these guys. I felt the need to tell her that because in that list is included everything that could possibly bother me.

"You made this thread because you did have an issue with the way and amount of time she is spending with them and now you are saying you don't."
This is where you misunderstood. I do have an issue with the way and amount of time she is spending with them. I dont have an issue with her spending time or talking to them in general.

" You made a very detailed list that you wish her to follow that sound more like something a parent would create for a child then a BF/GF agreement."
I asked her to just be reasonable about hanging out or talking to them so she did it in a way that didnt bother me. She told me she didnt know what would bother me or not and asked me to tell her what is reasonable and what isnt. I made a list of things I dont consider reasonable. All of them. There are things in that list she has never done and I still dont consider them reasonable so I mentioned them.

If the two of you are okay with the list, then all should move forward. Her post was what I addressed and she mentioned "letting you go" so perhaps you need to talk to her again if you don't like the public arena and you feel that you only want advice to answer your OP and not any that might follow such as hers. I wish you both the best.

[Turbopantsu]

You complained about her ignoring you while out with them, you don't want her out too late, or too long. You felt a need to tell her to be involve touching or flirting with the guy friends. You stated that she repeatedly checked for them on Skpye while talking to you. You made a very detailed list that you wish her to follow that sound more like something a parent would create for a child then a BF/GF agreement. She stated that if she can't stop herself from being attentionwhorish with these guys enough to keep you happy she might have to let you go because she is being so terrible to you. You made this thread because you did have an issue with the way and amount of time she is spending with them and now you are saying you don't. If so they you are happy with status quo, and so content. I am not going to argue with you about this. I have seen it before, you make a thread and want to hear A and end up with B and so now your opinion is that the X that you stated was going on in your earlier posts are now really just Z.

Sorry you don't want to hear this, but again, my response is directed to her post, so I would like to hear what she thinks.

Again, I am not upset about that she was out or talking with them, I was upset because she was talking to them while with me, that when she did go out she spent a lot of time with them and ignored me. See the difference? Nothing wrong with hanging out or talking to them but there is a problem in ignoring me or talking to them while we are together.

"You felt a need to tell her to be involve touching or flirting with the guy friends"
I know for a fact that she has never flirted or touched these guys. I felt the need to tell her that because in that list is included everything that could possibly bother me.

"You made this thread because you did have an issue with the way and amount of time she is spending with them and now you are saying you don't."
This is where you misunderstood. I do have an issue with the way and amount of time she is spending with them. I dont have an issue with her spending time or talking to them in general.

" You made a very detailed list that you wish her to follow that sound more like something a parent would create for a child then a BF/GF agreement."
I asked her to just be reasonable about hanging out or talking to them so she did it in a way that didnt bother me. She told me she didnt know what would bother me or not and asked me to tell her what is reasonable and what isnt. I made a list of things I dont consider reasonable. All of them. There are things in that list she has never done and I still dont consider them reasonable so I mentioned them.

[kardin]

You have to be able to choose him over them over because you love him enough. If you don't love him enough then you are not ready for this type of LDR. It sounds to me like a few excuses are being made about lacking common sense and this need you have for attention. Forgive me if I am reading between the lines a bit but this post sounds like you are admitting that you look for male attention? You say friends, but there are plenty of gal pals out there on the internet too. If you want this relationship to work then I suggest you find a few, you don't have problems making friends with these guys so I don't buy the "it is hard for you to make friends" statement. You sound like you want male friends because of the attention and type of attention they give you that females don't.

I find it most alarming that when you are spending time with your BF you were actively looking to see if they were online. This means you prefer their company to his. I hate to say this but I think you already know that you don't really want a committed relationship at this point in your life. You want to be able to date other men but you don't wish to hurt him. You are trying to let him down easy and/or convince yourself you gave it your best shot but it was out of your hands.

You need to dig deep, if this is how you feel. Let him go and find someone that will love him and treat him as he deserves to be treated, if you do. Please don't string him along afterwards to satiate your desire for more attention. That would be cruel.

i choose him over others the majority of time, the times i don't are incredibly rare. we spend most of the time we're not in university together, we're generally on a call from the moment we both get home to the moment one of us has to leave. when we've been not actively doing something and just doing our own thing while on the call i have talked to other people but not because i need the attention, i'm interested in how they're doing. when we're talking and i check the skype icon it's because some of my idiot friends message me no matter what my online status is. i love my man to the moon and back and i didn't think he would be this bothered by it. i do lack common sense because i am a fairly simple person who hasn't done much interacting in her life. i've tried making female friends online but they all somehow fade away, usually because they get boyfriends. i get plenty of male attention from my boyfriend but now that several posts have implied i look for it i feel disgusted with myself whenever i think of talking to any guy who isn't family.
i'm not interested in dating other men, i'm not the one that has proposed meeting up. my guy is perfect for me and i wouldn't trade him for anyone and he knows it. we're both young and each other's first serious so's. we're both new to serious relationships so there's a lot to learn. i don't want to give him up but i would if it made him happier.

[Hollandia]

Never in any of my posts have I complained about her hanging out with guy friends. I said it made me worry, yes, but that's not the issue I came here to ask advice for.

You complained about her ignoring you while out with them, you don't want her out too late, or too long. You felt a need to tell her not to involve touching or flirting or innappropriate things with the guy friends. You told her not to go out to get drunk with guy friends and go to their houses. You stated that she repeatedly checked for them on Skpye while talking to you. You made a very detailed list that you wish her to follow that sound more like something a parent would create for a child then a BF/GF agreement. She stated that if she can't stop herself from being attentionwhorish with these guys enough to keep you happy she might have to let you go because she is being so terrible to you.

You made this thread because you did have an issue with the way and amount of time she is spending with them and now you are saying you don't. If so then you are happy with status quo, and so content and no more problems. I am not going to argue with you about this. I have seen it before, you make a thread and want to hear A and end up with B and so now your opinion is that the X that you stated was going on in your earlier posts are now really just Z.

btw...............Couchsurfer.com is a global community website that has local meet and greets for it's members all the time. They offer people a way to travel and discover new cultures as well as getting to know their neighbors. I would suggest it to anyone that wants to get to know their CD neighbors. Yes, they are in Estonia too.

Sorry you don't want to hear this, but again, my response is directed to her post, so I would like to hear what she thinks.

[Turbopantsu]

I responded to her response. When she responds if she wants I will respond again.

You are now back tracking on half of what you took issue with, if so. Then I am happy you are content.

Never in any of my posts have I complained about her hanging out with guy friends. I said it made me worry, yes, but that's not the issue I came here to ask advice for.