Getting Annoyed

[kikidee]

Why can't things just go smoothly? I'm getting so annoyed with our relationship never going so bad as to break up, but almost feeling like there is hardly a relationship unless we're together.

After the last visit, he has barely spoken at all during skype and is always gaming or has his attention elsewhere. Now I know what you guys are saying, because I would recommend this to someone with the same problem. SET UP SKYPE DATES.
Do you know how many times we have done that and the plans fall through? How many times I always have to bring that up to the point where if I say it again, I'll just be nagging? How during our skype dates, I'll be talking and he'll either seem uninterested or just ignore me? He also has that face/disposition where if he isn't excited or super happy, he looks bored and looks like he doesn't want to talk.

I mean I know we talk a lot to the point where there ISN'T much to say, but whenever I do have something engaging to talk about, he is either indifferent or busy playing a game with his friends. When I tell him we need to focus on each other, he will, but it just happens to be when I have literally nothing to say, and lately he NEVER has anything to say.

I know that sounds bleak, but I am really happy to be with him, we share a lot of interests and both love each other very much, but it seems like our relationship is dead whenever we're apart.

I was just skyping with him and kept asking what you doing, whats up, trying to bring up any conversation. All he says is, "nothing, nothing much". Just staring off into his computer, and then for half the convo he gets up and goes somewhere else without saying anything. So I feel awkward video-ing with no one, and hang up. 1 second later, he's saying "okay thanks for hanging up". Really? As if it mattered if I was there or not?

I don't know if this will eventually eat away at this relationship or if I just have to put up with a dead relationship most of my life.
It just makes me annoyed and he gets annoyed when I react to it.

Ugh, any advice, or is this a sign of something really bad?

[emsimes]

Sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch
My advice would be to back off for a bit, and let him come to you. I'm not saying you're nagging him or being needy, but if he is not following through on Skype dates or seems uninterested, I would let him realize that he needs to put in some effort too.
Perhaps you could cut down on the conversations a bit, or wait for him to say things rather than prodding him to talk or leading the whole conversation. Hopefully he will eventually notice that you are tired of doing all the talking.
Hope this helps

[kikidee]

Sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch
My advice would be to back off for a bit, and let him come to you. I'm not saying you're nagging him or being needy, but if he is not following through on Skype dates or seems uninterested, I would let him realize that he needs to put in some effort too.
Perhaps you could cut down on the conversations a bit, or wait for him to say things rather than prodding him to talk or leading the whole conversation. Hopefully he will eventually notice that you are tired of doing all the talking.
Hope this helps

Thanks for the advice. The thing is, HE is the one usually asking for the skype conversations but he's just always preoccupied. I'm the one who wants him to focus more on us. But yeah, I'll def back off. I'm tired of doing all the work, but I guess I just hate sitting around and not talking xD

[squeeker]

Another thing to mention.. maybe he's gotten into a "comfortable skype" routine where he just wants to be on skype with you while he does other things. Because that's what happens with my SO and I when we skype (though in our case it's Oovoo or Google hangout) but when we do that a lot, we don't have as much to say and we are always on video chat if we are both at home/in our rooms at university, and we do our own things too. It does seem a bit odd if he isn't paying you ANY attention though. I think it might be best to back off...

I know from experience that I have been a bit like that too.. sometimes my SO is looking things up, watching video.. maybe I was doing something too, looking things up, working on something, etc, but then I finish or stop and want to talk to him and he's busy and doesn't hear me. Or I end up getting anxious and asking him what he's doing so I can "coordinate" .. like so I can watch videos if he is watching videos or if he's going to do his own thing for awhile then I'll do my own thing for awhile longer. But I definitely go through phases of feeling like he doesn't want to talk, or is ignoring me. Also sometimes it's the other way around.. like especially recently with me starting uni (and now he's started, but my classes started before his) and I have so much on my mind that when he talks I'm half thinking of something else and it ends up leading him to think I'm not interested even though I am but I also feel like I have so much other stuff on my mind!

I think it can happen to the best of us.. and you should try not to worry or take it as a sign that it's a "dead relationship" especially if you are good when you are closed distance and especially if you still have your moments when you realize how amazing your SO is and how much you want to be with them. But maybe try and ease off a bit so he can come to you and initiate talk, and just be open for when he does want to talk! I hope that was kind of helpful, I just sort of felt like I should try and write something because it sounded somewhat similar to things I've experienced before.

[kikidee]

Another thing to mention.. maybe he's gotten into a "comfortable skype" routine where he just wants to be on skype with you while he does other things. Because that's what happens with my SO and I when we skype (though in our case it's Oovoo or Google hangout) but when we do that a lot, we don't have as much to say and we are always on video chat if we are both at home/in our rooms at university, and we do our own things too. It does seem a bit odd if he isn't paying you ANY attention though. I think it might be best to back off...

I know from experience that I have been a bit like that too.. sometimes my SO is looking things up, watching video.. maybe I was doing something too, looking things up, working on something, etc, but then I finish or stop and want to talk to him and he's busy and doesn't hear me. Or I end up getting anxious and asking him what he's doing so I can "coordinate" .. like so I can watch videos if he is watching videos or if he's going to do his own thing for awhile then I'll do my own thing for awhile longer. But I definitely go through phases of feeling like he doesn't want to talk, or is ignoring me. Also sometimes it's the other way around.. like especially recently with me starting uni (and now he's started, but my classes started before his) and I have so much on my mind that when he talks I'm half thinking of something else and it ends up leading him to think I'm not interested even though I am but I also feel like I have so much other stuff on my mind!

I think it can happen to the best of us.. and you should try not to worry or take it as a sign that it's a "dead relationship" especially if you are good when you are closed distance and especially if you still have your moments when you realize how amazing your SO is and how much you want to be with them. But maybe try and ease off a bit so he can come to you and initiate talk, and just be open for when he does want to talk! I hope that was kind of helpful, I just sort of felt like I should try and write something because it sounded somewhat similar to things I've experienced before.

I feel like what I'm really getting from everyone is to stop trying to initiate all the convo's and not worry all that much cuz then itll just cause problems. Yeah I'm sure our relationship is actually fine, it just makes me unhappy during those times, but even apart, I wouldn't be with anyone else. These issues never make me love my bf any less, and he still tells me how much he loves me and can't wait to see me, and of course he is coming to see me in a few months.

Hopefully this is just a rough patch.

[squeeker]

I feel like what I'm really getting from everyone is to stop trying to initiate all the convo's and not worry all that much cuz then itll just cause problems. Yeah I'm sure our relationship is actually fine, it just makes me unhappy during those times, but even apart, I wouldn't be with anyone else. These issues never make me love my bf any less, and he still tells me how much he loves me and can't wait to see me, and of course he is coming to see me in a few months.

Hopefully this is just a rough patch.

Yeah it sounds like just a rough patch to me. Long distance can be tiring, and you can't do everything you can do closed distance. Like when you are together, if he wants to play a game with friends, you can be sitting right beside him, and feel more involved, or if he's looking at anything on the computer you can see it. I know this is what frustrates me sometimes when I'm talking to my SO online.. when we are together, I usually let him find the sites to explore because he always find the most interesting stuff whereas I always end up checking Facebook or LFAD or something. :P So then when we aren't physically in the same place anymore, and are talking online, every now and then I get frustrated because I don't know what he's doing! lol I feel kind of stupid for doing it.. sometimes he shows me something using "screen share" and it's nice to watch his screen because then we are looking at the same things.

I guess the one thing that stood out to me that I forgot to mention in my last post was that I found it a bit strange that he would just get up in the middle of a video call and go without telling you. Maybe you could ask him why he does that? If you knew why, like maybe he had to go to the bathroom really bad and didn't feel like going through the formalities of "I have to go to the bathroom, be right back." Lol just a random example but I don't know, it seems weird he'd do that.. I guess if the connection was bad too then he might be tempted to just get up and go if he had to get something done because he can't get through to you because of the stupid internet!!

I'm just saying I think you are feeling right, the love isn't gone, it's just a rough patch.. I think hopefully you can have a talk with him about some of the things he does that makes you feel unhappy. Try to just be as understanding as you can, because with long distance, it is harder to know why someone is doing something. Just try not to sound to naggy when you ask him. Maybe wait a little bit from the last time you asked him something similar. But what you can try is just doing other things too when he's doing other things. If you talk a lot, you don't want him to feel like he's stopped from doing other things, and if you don't talk much, it's probably because he's busy and when he comes online to talk to you, there might be other things he hasn't done for awhile too that he'd like to do. When you feel unhappy about things he does, try and focus on that he's right there, take a deep breath, and maybe try and do other things on the computer too, maybe look up news articles to share or something.

[Swederica]

I feel like what I'm really getting from everyone is to stop trying to initiate all the convo's and not worry all that much cuz then itll just cause problems. Yeah I'm sure our relationship is actually fine, it just makes me unhappy during those times, but even apart, I wouldn't be with anyone else. These issues never make me love my bf any less, and he still tells me how much he loves me and can't wait to see me, and of course he is coming to see me in a few months.

Hopefully this is just a rough patch.

From another perspective and when this whole thing clears up a bit more. What type of games does he play and is it possible for you to try them out? That way perhaps you'll be able to play with him as well and as such have a natural thing to talk about.

[lilcupcake]

I have that problem from time to time with my SO. it' s a bit different with us, but relatively the same. Finally this last time, I told him I was falling apart. I hated feeling needy, but he hadn't been "there" for me for so long. I was lonely, and sometimes i need affection and i need to know that he's not giving up on us. maybe these are some things you should bring up to him? really think about what you need from him, and put it into words. don't "nag", just tell him that you still need him.

[Hollandia]

It sounds like just a rut. It happens, even to CD couples. I would suggest doing some research in advance and creating things to do when skypeing instead of just the regular you do now. Pick a movie and watch it together and talk about the movie. Ask him to do a quiz with you. Create a couples playlist together on youtube for you too to listen to when you are together again, dare I say it , if you are up for it, watch some porn. You get the idea. When you are CD do you just sit in a room together all the time and do nothing but talk? If that was all you could do you would probably get bored of that too. Make plans to do stuff, only you know what he likes.

I agree about the comfortable Skype modde. If he is in that comfortable Skype mode, my SO gets like that, and he is gaming or watching Tv and just likes knowing you are there, well either tell him BRB and go take a long bath or cook a meal or play your own game, but don't just sit there online waiting for him to give you attention. I hate it when the SO is so tired that by the time he Skypes me he is playing a game, while watching a movie and talks one or two word responses while I try to fill the conversation. He did it last night.....after he skyped me!

Me.............You are being quiet
Him.............watching a movie and it was a long day
Me.............Enjoy, I love you.

a few min go by.


Him...............don't leave me
Me..............If I talk and you don't want to hear it then I am just annoying you and wasting my time
Him.............You are not annoying me.

about this time I started to play one of my games, after a few min he started talking more until he said goodnight and went to bed. He knows it bothers me when he acts like that and I have actually told him I would rather say goodnight if he is otherwise occupied and prefer not to be Skypeing. I used to sit online and push off my CD world to be available for him while he hardly talked and it both ticked me off and hurt my feelings. I won't do that anymore, I don't wish to feel taken for granted and that is what that does.

[snow]

You might just be at the point where talking isn't necessary to feel comfortable. He might just enjoy knowing you're there even though he doesn't have much to say.

I used to get upset over this too, when we were on teamspeak or skype and he wouldn't say a word or would be doing something else, but now I just enjoy that he is there when I need him and if something comes up that we want to talk about we talk, if not, then we just sit there in silence. I used to think that every single second has to be filled with words or else I am not interesting enough, but we're at a point right now where saying nothing feels fine too - plus you probably do that while you're together too, or do you talk ALL the time?

I wouldn't suggest backing off as this might feel like you're ignoring him and you said that you two love each other a lot and it could hurt him. I'm not saying I know what he is going through, but maybe that's his way of dealing with the distance, namely occupying his mind with games and skyping with you even though he has nothing to say.

I also second Swederica: Maybe you could play one of the games with him?

And about his "bored face" - my man is the same way!! When he's not overly excited or super happy he looks angry or annoyed, but that is just his natural expression and used to intimidate me haha

[kikidee]

I guess the one thing that stood out to me that I forgot to mention in my last post was that I found it a bit strange that he would just get up in the middle of a video call and go without telling you. Maybe you could ask him why he does that? If you knew why, like maybe he had to go to the bathroom really bad and didn't feel like going through the formalities of "I have to go to the bathroom, be right back." Lol just a random example but I don't know, it seems weird he'd do that.. I guess if the connection was bad too then he might be tempted to just get up and go if he had to get something done because he can't get through to you because of the stupid internet!!

I'm just saying I think you are feeling right, the love isn't gone, it's just a rough patch.. I think hopefully you can have a talk with him about some of the things he does that makes you feel unhappy. Try to just be as understanding as you can, because with long distance, it is harder to know why someone is doing something. Just try not to sound to naggy when you ask him. Maybe wait a little bit from the last time you asked him something similar. But what you can try is just doing other things too when he's doing other things. If you talk a lot, you don't want him to feel like he's stopped from doing other things, and if you don't talk much, it's probably because he's busy and when he comes online to talk to you, there might be other things he hasn't done for awhile too that he'd like to do. When you feel unhappy about things he does, try and focus on that he's right there, take a deep breath, and maybe try and do other things on the computer too, maybe look up news articles to share or something.

Oh that just happened today. He doesn't do that usually haha. Thanks for all the great advice! I will def let him come to me more

[kikidee]

From another perspective and when this whole thing clears up a bit more. What type of games does he play and is it possible for you to try them out? That way perhaps you'll be able to play with him as well and as such have a natural thing to talk about.

We def talk about video games to a degree, but we can't play video games together anymore. I he plays games on his computer now since you can get pretty much any console game on there. I play on consoles, and don't own a gaming computer. (I have a mac ) So I can't usually play the same games as him either. He wants me to play with him, but I need to get a new computer to do that! xD

[kikidee]

I have that problem from time to time with my SO. it' s a bit different with us, but relatively the same. Finally this last time, I told him I was falling apart. I hated feeling needy, but he hadn't been "there" for me for so long. I was lonely, and sometimes i need affection and i need to know that he's not giving up on us. maybe these are some things you should bring up to him? really think about what you need from him, and put it into words. don't "nag", just tell him that you still need him.

That's true. I'm not a very emotional, romantic type person, so when I feel like that I feel weird to say it, but maybe I should get used to it. xD

[kikidee]

He knows it bothers me when he acts like that and I have actually told him I would rather say goodnight if he is otherwise occupied and prefer not to be Skypeing. I used to sit online and push off my CD world to be available for him while he hardly talked and it both ticked me off and hurt my feelings. I won't do that anymore, I don't wish to feel taken for granted and that is what that does.

Oh my goodness, EXACTLY. I often say, "well if we aren't going to talk then I'm gonna go do something else" and he'll usually say "uh k" (which is, ok idk why you're mad at me but whatever) or beg for me to stay on only to talk to me just as much as he was before. It annoyed me when I would, like you said, be devoting time for him instead of sometimes doing other things productive, and then he would repay me with ignoring me.

[kikidee]

You might just be at the point where talking isn't necessary to feel comfortable. He might just enjoy knowing you're there even though he doesn't have much to say.

I used to get upset over this too, when we were on teamspeak or skype and he wouldn't say a word or would be doing something else, but now I just enjoy that he is there when I need him and if something comes up that we want to talk about we talk, if not, then we just sit there in silence. I used to think that every single second has to be filled with words or else I am not interesting enough, but we're at a point right now where saying nothing feels fine too - plus you probably do that while you're together too, or do you talk ALL the time?

I wouldn't suggest backing off as this might feel like you're ignoring him and you said that you two love each other a lot and it could hurt him. I'm not saying I know what he is going through, but maybe that's his way of dealing with the distance, namely occupying his mind with games and skyping with you even though he has nothing to say.

I also second Swederica: Maybe you could play one of the games with him?

And about his "bored face" - my man is the same way!! When he's not overly excited or super happy he looks angry or annoyed, but that is just his natural expression and used to intimidate me haha

I don't think I'll back off to the point of ignoring him, I just wont keep prodding him for conversation. When I get a gaming computer, I definitely will! He's always saying he wishes I could be playing the games he's playing with me.
Haha yeah my bf is always saying "I'm not mad or annoyed, my face is just naturally like that." It's funny! Until you can't tell whether he's actually mad or not!