Problems just prior to closing distance

[redapple]

So I've been a bit quiet on here for a while but I need to ask some advice.

Me and the bf have been LD for a year and he's home in 16 days. However we've had a reaccuring issue with a girl that he met in his country that is one of his only two friends out there. (We're cd-LD)

I've always felt uneasy with her and him. He's never really had close female friends before and their time together is always dinner and drinks type events. Just the two of them and it's always felt very datey to me. Recently him and her were out just the two of them absolutely hammered til 4am.

I've always been open with him, letting him know when I'm uncomfortable or I think someone has overstepped the mark- she invited him as her plus one to her work event which I didn't like for example. So I do tell him but he still does things like the very late nights etc together. And then I tell him (again) he tells me not to worry and then does it again... I think you can see the pattern!

Last week he basically did it again. We were supposed to be speaking our usual time (his 7am) but he didn't get in til 4am, sent me a drunk email saying 'I think we were supposed to be speaking tomorrow but...' And basically it hurt. Again.

But as he's so stressed with trying to get everything sorted at work and the fact that he's back so soon I told him that I was annoyed we were having the same issue again but that I didn't want to speak about it. Mainly because it doesn't make a difference and I didn't want to give him any further stress with how stressed he is.

But a week later I still feel hurt, should I talk to him again about this or am I being too sensitive and should just leave it alone and see what it's like when he's back?

Tl;dr boyfriend goes on 'dates' with female friend, makes me uncomfortable and insecure. Keeps doing it regardless of me telling him it hurts. Am I too sensitive?!

[conejita_hada]

I would tell him it still hurts. While I understand not wanting to cause him stress, it's something that's still bothering you and reading the type of thing they do together, it seems justified for you to tell him it hurts for him to drunkenly e-mail at 4am saying no Skype time because he didn't think about it before. I think I would be most peeved that he didn't foresee a long night and thus couldn't give the heads-up that he might not be able to Skype (nor would I be okay with multiple date-type hangouts). I'm surprised she would want so much one-on-one time with him, especially couple-y type things but maybe that's because I prefer group hangouts for drinks and dinner-dates.

Yay for him coming home soon!

[lucybelle]

That shit's not cool. Every couple has different boundaries, and you have made yours perfectly clear. He's not respectful of that. That's not okay. It's not about you "not worrying" it's about him respecting your limits, which I think are perfectly in line.

I'd definitely talk to him again and make yourself heard. It's not okay for him to be doing this.

[Safihre]

I am going to be blunt: are you 100% sure there is not more going on between the 2 of them?

[redapple]

Yep 100% sure. Not physically cheating at least, whether he's crossed into emotional cheating is obviously an potential issue here though. I have to point out to be fair, he's only ever missed that one Skype event for being out with her, he wakes up at 7am every other day without fail to speak to me and minus his recent super stressed state he's normally very attentive. He's also never lied about when he's seeing her and gives me in depth details of what they've been up to. I don't know if I'm giving him excuses here - I'm not happy with it for sure but it's one of his only friends. If he didn't see her, he would literally be sat around on his own. (She went out after him so this is how it originally was, his second friend is actually a friend of mine who has relocated out there, he's not a social as my bf) So I feel bad putting a 100% boundary down on not seeing her. We discussed doing less coupley things but as she only has a few friends out there too they never really do group activities, he's since tried to do things as a three but as I said the other isn't as keen to do things. Urgh. I don't even know where I'm going with this post! It's just a shit situation, he's back so soon yet at the moment this is really playing on my mind.

[Moon]

Trust your instincts on this, if it doesn't feel right, do not let it go. In my opinion, emotional cheating is actually worse than physically cheating, you can maybe get past sex, but when someone's heart is going in another direction, it's a whole other matter. Do what you need to do to make it stop, stand up for yourself with this one, it's important.

[Zapookie]

Yeah, that's not really OK, especially seeing as you've already spoken about it to him and he still did it. I honestly don't know what I'd do in your situation, considering you guys are closing the distance really soon so this behaviour may well stop (it might not though, let us know). Ask him how he would feel if he were in your shoes?

[Safihre]

Just wait out the 2 weeks and see what happens when you are together again.
I think most of us had the pre-visit stress, when excitement starts to mix with your mind going crazy of all that could happen.

If he did emotionally cheat, you will know very quickly. Faking love and affection is very hard to do. But don't get too suspecious about his every move when he's back, you know when you know

[loneliestgirl]

Does he intend to continue the friendship once he is with you? Also, how come he didn't try to make other friends other than this girl that he could hang out with and ditto for her? None of her other friends could take her out drinking or to dinner?

[redapple]

loneliestgirl- she has a few, though shes not the biggest fans of them really. And he tried, people at work refuse to socialise afterwards and the country has a pretty horrific work life balance so even the badminton club that he tried only played for 40 minutes once a week and then went home. I lived with him out there for a month so i got a good idea of what its like so, although im sure if he had tried different clubs etc he might have found some more friends, i can see how he didnt find anyone to gell with either. theyre both from the same uni (we all are actually) and both hate it out there so if i put myself in his shoes i can see how it happened. I just wish it had been more of a group situation than it is.

Anyway we talked today. Feel a lot better. He answered everything i asked. Made some valid points and reassured me a lot. I think i was just worried that he had become too emotionally attached, he reassured me not. Told me they don't talk about the kind of personal stuff you do in a relationship and still turns to me not her for help/advice/support. Which i think is important. He's never changed how affectionate he has been to me over the year so i think he still feels the same towards me as before (he certainly tells me often enough). So i'm optimistic we can put this behind us. I feel a bit bad (he didnt make me feel so before anyone asks ) for asking as he thought i was about to end it and that plus all the stress made him pretty upset. Anyway, i dont feel like he's lying. I just cant wait for him to be back now! Move on and continue our lives together.

Thanks for the advice.