Love of my life? My first LDR story. PLEASE HELP, I need your advice.

[demg]

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE LENGTH, BUT I REALLY NEEDED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST.

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a month, but we met and have been talking for three months. We met through mutual friends at a music festival in Europe, on the last day we kissed and felt a powerful connection and then we parted ways, but the communication didn't stop at all since.

With us texting each other, skyping and the mutual feelings of infatuation on both our parts I decided to go visit him in his city on my way back from Europe (he was there to pick me up at the airport even though it was 3am), as I stayed an extra two weeks. We're both from the same country, and have many many mutual friends in common. In fact, we are both each others best friend's best friends in different cities. I decided to give this a chance as I'm a very level headed person, and constantly reminded myself not to get my expectations up, and let it all play out. In fact, it was many firsts for both of us, and I was the first guy to stay over at his house and we weekended together. He was definitely the more infatuated one at this point and I felt in control. I met alot of his best friends and they adored me.

After my five days there I went back home and at the end of the week we decided that he should come to my city as my parents had left town, we split the plane ticket cost, and he literally had to jump out of a taxi and on to a motorcycle to get through a 6000 person demonstration blocking the airport to get to the plane. We spent three days together that weekend and it was wonderful, and one of my best friends met and also adores him!

Constant texting and skyping was a key aspect of our communication, and I even mentioned to him that I wasn't sure this would be possible to keep up once I got into university again, he got extremely angry at this assumption and said it was essential that we talk EVERY day, that we had to make that effort. It made me realize that this guy really is trying everything to be with me, and he's more than proved himself. On one of our nights talking, he told me that he loved me and I was in shock, I couldn't say it back. But eventually I did, and after another week of talking we decided we were exclusive and bf's.

After this, he came to visit me in the city that I study university and stayed for five days, he met my sister and another one of my best friends and it was an amazing trip all in all. After this trip to visit me though, it's as if our whole dynamic has changed and I'm the one that messages him, and it can now take him up to 2 hours to reply to my texts, skype calls have become infrequent and he is always too tired (which I understand completely as he is in uni and a full time job). But on weekends, it would be a given that we would talk on skype, and it just feels like I'm the one constantly fighting to get our conversations back to where they were. They've become monotonous and I have felt extremely abandoned by his lack of interest in my (atleast that's how I feel, although it may just be my perception). I never ever tell him what to do, or expect his life to revolve around me and viceversa, but I have mentioned it many times that we need to communicate and share everything that we're feeling if we want this to work. He forgets to send me pictures when he told me he would, of his activities on certain days (took him 24 hours, to reply) and has begun to not even say goodnight on texts. I've pulled back a bit, as I felt that I might just be acting clingy, but that doesn't change a thing, he seems fine and dandy, while I constantly am waiting to see when he'll text me or ask to skype.

I finally told him the other day, after attempting to talk on skype but never feeling the right moment, that we needed to seriously talk. He had never replied faster! Within literally two seconds he answered and was acting worried (another reason why I feel hurt, is because I know he has his phone by him 24/7), I played it cool and he practically ran home after uni to skype me. I told him that I felt we weren't communicating enough, that we needed to make a bigger effort and that this wasn't me telling him off in any way, but just me letting him know how I feel. I also told him that I didn't think we were connecting emotionally in the same way, and that I understand how busy he is, but that I will share the burden and do whatever it takes for us to be able to talk.

His opinion on the issue was that he felt I was to hung up on the fact that we're apart, and that we both have to live our lives and not be so hung up, but know we love each other and are there for each other. But that yes, we did need to make more of an effort to speak more, and connect more. He also said that he felt I needed to do other activities to keep myself busy (probably right). But he reaffirmed he's never felt he loved anyone like me, and the same on my part.

So now here come my question, if you've bared with me this far! (Please forgive me, for the length of this bloody thing). Basically since our talk, I felt so much better, I haven't been texting as much and trying to keep myself occupied, but basically he's acting the same, it's me that keeps iniciating texts, he won't hasn't said goodnight or goodmorning once and I'm headed over to visit him next weekend for my birthday.

I just keep feeling abandoned and hurt by his lack of communication, especially after our talk. So here I am pondering not for the first time if this LDR thing is for me, I've cried three times in the last week thinking about ending it, because I feel like I truly do love him and so does he. I KNOW we have extremely strong feelings for each other, and I can see us having a future together. I can't imagine being with anybody else, and he's expressed the same things to me (That he loves me, I make him a better person, even had little convos about having kids and were we would live). We've set a future date for being together when we're done with college, which should be in a year and a half, and we've also made a pledge to not let a month go by without us seeing each other in person. But I can't imagine this whole thing going on like this for a year and a half, I'm either going to get to hurt, or I feel like we will just grow apart by his actions.

So what is your advice for me? I want to wait and see how he acts before my birthday, and how he acts when we're there in person together before I make a decision of whether this love is worth it, I don't usually open up like this to people and I'm very guarded. So it's already a challenge to be in a relationship, I want to give it my all, but I'm not sure if we're on the same page. What are your recommendations.

PLEASE HELP this hurting heart, anything will be appreciated. And thank you for bearing with my extremely long essay!

[LadyDaemon]

Ok,here's the thing,your relationship is 3 months along,he's really busy and you're in university (if I understood that correctly). For starters going to school as you probably know can be tiring and time consuming,if he works also (which I assume he does) that adds to the lack of time spent together. From the sounds of it he does love and care about you and that hasn't changed. You just have to be patient and understand that In LDRs where both parties are going to school/work etc. you're not going to have a ton of time to spend together. The one thing that I've noticed most LDR couples do in this situation is sit down with their SOs and schedule times to talk,as much as that may suck it's something you may have to just suck it up and do.

Something else I got from this was that your boyfriend feels like you both are revolving your lives around the other and he's right. I get that your relationship is new and you're still in the honeymoon phase,but you have to learn to find other things to do and learn to continue to live your life as an individual outside of your relationship. Because lets face it,95% of LDRs are spent with each of the individuals by themselves a majority of the time. As hard as that may be to do,it needs to happen. I know you're already doing something extra but it may not be enough and you may need to add to that by going out with friends or spending time with family. Your constantly wanting to talk to him and getting frustrated/upset/annoyed or any of the above when he doesn't reply for 2 hours is a bit much. If I were you I'd back off some more because I get the feeling that it's still the reason why he's not communicating with you as much as you'd like.

Another thing,many of us who are/were LD in the beginning wanted nothing more I'm sure then to talk 24/7,send 1,000000 pictures throughout the day of what the other was doing,text etc. but the key thing here is quality,not quantity. Don't get so distraught and disappointed because he doesn't text you goodnight every night or because he doesn't answer your every single text. It's not a slight against you nor is it saying that he loves or cares for you any less. Just enjoy the fact that when you do talk that he's there. If you need things to talk about then there's a section of the site that you can look at that suggests things to do when in a LDR,it's under 'Things For LDR Couples To Do'. Hope this helps.

[demg]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful words and patience with the length of my posting LadyDaemon, I really appreciate it. He is in general very tired most of the time due to his busy work/study schedule and I completely understand that and try to respect his time to himself as well, I don't want him to not have much of a social life and then have it be taken up by me. And we've always said how we don't care about what the other is up to, this relationship is going to have to be based on trust and that the first moment something odd comes up or the feelings start to wane we will talk about it. But I think that if the lack of communication continues to grow, then talking about scheduling some times that we shouldn't miss can be an alternative.

"Your constantly wanting to talk to him and getting frustrated/upset/annoyed or any of the above when he doesn't reply for 2 hours is a bit much. If I were you I'd back off some more because I get the feeling that it's still the reason why he's not communicating with you as much as you'd like."

Definitely in the honeymoon stage of the relationship at the moment, but I suppose that what has made me uncomfortable is the shift in the dynamic, as I feel that we should both still be in the honeymoon stage, and his change in communication has worried me that he's losing interest or that he may be annoyed by me (although he always states otherwise). I suppose that's all my own fault, because unless he comes out and says it I have no idea of knowing how or what he's feeling. The only thing I can worry about are facts, and he's proven to me everything he's said and never been dishonest with me. As well as the fact that he's made it clear that he's not really the type of person that can easily share his feelings (at least he's honest right?), and I suppose that it's difficult and makes me feel insecure to not hear as much feedback from him as I'd like, but I can't change him, and can't expect any change in his own behavior at such an early stage in the relationship. And I guess I could have specified that the whole getting frustrated for not replying thing has been more so on weekends which is his only time that he's free from responsibilities, so I kind of in my mind look forward to those times, as he should be free to engage me more, I don't expect the same level of communication during the week (Again these are my expectations, and I can't know how he feels about it).

"Another thing,many of us who are/were LD in the beginning wanted nothing more I'm sure then to talk 24/7,send 1,000000 pictures throughout the day of what the other was doing,text etc. but the key thing here is quality,not quantity. Don't get so distraught and disappointed because he doesn't text you goodnight every night or because he doesn't answer your every single text. It's not a slight against you nor is it saying that he loves or cares for you any less."

Thanks so much for these last insights, as I feel exactly like the wanting to talk 24/7, etc. But I suppose changing my outlook and realizing that the more quantity doesn't mean more quality. And will look forward to the times we can have a good conversation. Although that's part of my frustration, as after this last visit the only time we had a real conversation was when I told him we NEEDED to talk seriously and then he engaged me in thoughtful conversation. It's the emotional state of having been with him and then him leaving that I suppose is difficult to handle. He's a great guy, and I'm going to try and find ways to occupy my time, and stop myself from checking my phone. I read somewhere else that the best thing to do in a LDR is to send the text and forget about it.

I appreciate your help and advice and if there are any more commentaries on how this new LDR is going I'm open and thankful for those!

[LadyDaemon]

Definitely in the honeymoon stage of the relationship at the moment, but I suppose that what has made me uncomfortable is the shift in the dynamic, as I feel that we should both still be in the honeymoon stage, and his change in communication has worried me that he's losing interest or that he may be annoyed by me (although he always states otherwise). I suppose that's all my own fault, because unless he comes out and says it I have no idea of knowing how or what he's feeling. The only thing I can worry about are facts, and he's proven to me everything he's said and never been dishonest with me. As well as the fact that he's made it clear that he's not really the type of person that can easily share his feelings (at least he's honest right?), and I suppose that it's difficult and makes me feel insecure to not hear as much feedback from him as I'd like, but I can't change him, and can't expect any change in his own behavior at such an early stage in the relationship. And I guess I could have specified that the whole getting frustrated for not replying thing has been more so on weekends which is his only time that he's free from responsibilities, so I kind of in my mind look forward to those times, as he should be free to engage me more, I don't expect the same level of communication during the week (Again these are my expectations, and I can't know how he feels about it).

Well the thing is that as your relationship goes on longer,and this is true for both closed distance and LDRs,the more the relationship will settle out of that honeymoon phase and things will gradually even out. I've found that at about the 3 - 5 month mark is where it begins. Some couples sooner,some later. But it just means the relationship has matured,there's not as much 'hype' about each other and things just become 'normal'. That's the best way I can try to describe it lol. It's not a bad thing.

Ahh,the whole boyfriend not showing/sharing emotions/feelings deal. Yeah,my fiance is the same way. It seems to be common on this forum for different peoples SOs to be not as emotional or in a sharing mood when it comes to feelings as we'd like. The thing I've had to learn to do where this is concerned is to just not take it personally. Again,it's nothing against you,it's just how they are. But you can't push them either because the more you push the more some people who are like that tend to push back by getting annoyed or aggravated. I know my fiance does if I for example ask him to many times if something is wrong with him or get upset because he didn't respond to a cheesy picture I sent him the way I thought he should've. People like that are very introverted and really it's a trait you either accept and try to work with or you don't lol. The weekend thing,I can understand but he may also not be responding much because he may be hanging with friends or family. I'd be more concerned if he was completely ignoring you.

It's the emotional state of having been with him and then him leaving that I suppose is difficult to handle. He's a great guy, and I'm going to try and find ways to occupy my time, and stop myself from checking my phone. I read somewhere else that the best thing to do in a LDR is to send the text and forget about it.

Yeah,a lot of couples who started out closed distance or saw each other a lot in the beginning have a hard time with going from having their SOs everyday to being apart all of the time. It just takes time to adjust to being away from them. It will take time but with patience,love,communication,trust and faith it will get better. My fiance used to always tell me two things when we were LD and that was 'Things worth having don't come easy' and 'Have faith'. Those two statements always helped when the distance was to much for me or when I was having a hard time readjusting after a visit. I also agree with the sending a text and then forgetting about it thing.

[Kiyama]

I really get you, believe me. My ex was like that too. So I understand the pain you are going through.
The thing is that you have exhausted your options. You got angry and you got said, you had a talk about it and nothing changed. So most likely it won't change and nobdoy here will be able to give you the "magic fix" for this issue because the only thing you can do here is to let it be if you don't want to chase him away. You are coming out of the honeymoon stage and not all guys (or girls) are good at texting and phoning every day. It might be a bit annyoing but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you anymore! You say he hasn't given you a reason to doubt his feelings so don't Be secure and have faith in him and your relationship, even he doesn't manage to text back for a while.