How do you deal with Jealousy while staying supportive?

[Anonymous2]

There are 2 scenarios I want to discuss. The first is how to deal with friends of yours who are also in a LDR but get to see their SO a lot more often than you do. A friend of mine started her LDR a couple weeks after me, but has already gotten to see her bf 3 times! Granted, they live closer to each other but otherwise the circumstances are very similar. I have such a hard time trying to be happy for her, and inside it almost makes me mad that I haven't gotten to see my bf in 2 months and she sees hers every 2 weeks. Not fair...

The second case is a little more abstract. Feel free to tell me I'm being paranoid here. I find myself jealous of the people in my SO's new location. His classmates/study partners get to see and interact with him on a daily basis. I'm very glad he has this camaraderie and support in a new place, but every now and then I have to work at not feeling jealous when he hangs out with these people while I'm sitting home alone. I don't expect him to spend all his free time with me, but if I haven't seen him in a long time it gets a little hard to share.

Thoughts on how to deal or at least keep myself distracted?

[snow_girl]

LDRs are not a contest! Who gives a rats ass if your friend gets to see her SO more? Long Distance relationships are a choice and you chose to be in one, and so you just have to deal with what comes along with one. You can't go around being mad at every one that gets to see their SOs more, or get mad when you see two people kissing. What on earth is that going to solve? Nothing! Ya it's okay to miss him but to get upset and angry at everyone else is childish.
Again, you chose this. Getting jealous at classmates because they get to look at the back of his head during class is ridiculous. It won't help you feel better, it won't solve anything. Be happy for him. If you can't learn to get over these issues it is going to be a looooooong road ahead which might not end well.
Instead of moping around, go out and do something.

[temporaryuser]

I can relate to the 2nd part. My SO is working on his masters. it is an extremely intense accelerated program. Thankfully, he has fallen in with a study group of people that are very serious about doing well. So not only is he in class with them, but they spend hours every day in study group going over the material. At times I have to remind myself that this is strictly school, and he has to remind me that he isnt remotely interested in any of them.

[Anonymous2]

First off, I want to clarify that I NEVER said I was mad at my friend, or anyone else for that matter. The distance can be a little frustrating, but I think a person is still allowed to feel this way even if they know ahead of time what they were signing up for. Just because you’ve been forewarned doesn’t always make it easier to deal with. I also never said I was jealous/mad at anyone around me that is currently in a relationship.

I believe I did mention that I was happy for him, as well as very happy that he has a group of people to hang out with in his new city. I agree that being jealous of someone who “looks at the back of their head” is ridiculous, but I was not referring to that simple of a situation. I do however, believe that some level of jealousy is justified (even healthy) when referring to people who are with him throughout the entire day, through the hard times, the stress, the free time, the partying, and everything in between. You can’t honestly tell me that, as a veteran, you never felt a little sad that you couldn’t be there in person to share those moments with your SO.

The only piece of advice (I use advice loosely because you didn’t really give me any) that was at all helpful was the “go out and do something” remark which, oddly enough, is exactly what I wanted to know. I want to know what other people do to occupy their free time and take their mind off the hard times. But forgive me, I didn’t know that being in a LDR meant that you just had to “stop moping around, suck it up, and deal with it because this is what you chose to do”. Pretty sure that defeats the entire purpose of having a support group for people in a long distance relationship.

[snow_girl]

I do however, believe that some level of jealousy is justified (even healthy) when referring to people who are with him throughout the entire day, through the hard times, the stress, the free time, the partying, and everything in between. You can’t honestly tell me that, as a veteran, you never felt a little sad that you couldn’t be there in person to share those moments with your SO.

No need to get your panties in a knot. I disagree that jealousy is healthy, its a sign on insecurity. I also never had any issue with the distance and because I trusted him I had no worries when he was out or felt like I was missing out. He had his friends, I had mine. You look forward to the things you'll do together, not the things you are missing out on.

[snow]

You look forward to the things you'll do together, not the things you are missing out on.

This is very true. If you keep concentrating on the things you are missing out on, you will be unhappy and might even feel a little jealous, if he does things with other people that you'd want him to do with you. Try to do something with the people around you, friends, family, just get busy. It also makes the time between visits go by faster.
For example: My man and I counted down every single day the last time and it was awful, because all you thought about was how many days were left. This time around we are just spending time with friends, playing games and enjoying our time together and BAM the whole month of September just flew by us.

When it comes to feeling like it's unfair that your friend gets to see her SO much more often than you it is all about perspective! Comparing will always make someone look better/worse than the other, so don't do it. Be happy that you have someone to look forward to meeting again! That is the most important thing! It doesn't matter if someone else is meeting their SO more, be happy with what you have
There's people here who met once within 3 years and will probably have to wait another year to see their SO and most of them handle this situation really well, never complaining about it anywhere - they could feel it's unfair you meet your SO so often. It's all perspective. As long as you view your relationship as the most important, who cares how often someone else meets their SO? You get to see yours every other month, that is great!!

Feeling jealous of the people around him is something I never truely understood, so there is not really anything I can tell you. I was always happy when he had a good time and told me about it! You said it's hard for you not to be there when he is going through a rough patch and there's other people who can help him, but there is nothing to be jealous about here. My man goes through hard times sometimes and I am honestly happy that he has his friends around him to help him through as I can't be with him. Try to see it from this perspective - it's not that they get the best of him, they can be there for him when you can't!

[Moon]

Snow just gave you some pretty good advice there.

Listen, the worst thing you can do is dwell on distance and time, and the next worst thing is to try and compare your relationship to anyone else's. It sounds like you just need to get out and find something you enjoy doing to distract yourself. I don't know how long your relationship is, but the longer it lasts, the more used to it you get, and it usually takes a while to find that balance. You'll be fine if you can just keep your jealousy in check, in both examples. Good luck.

[milaya]

No need to get your panties in a knot. I disagree that jealousy is healthy, its a sign on insecurity. I also never had any issue with the distance and because I trusted him I had no worries when he was out or felt like I was missing out. He had his friends, I had mine. You look forward to the things you'll do together, not the things you are missing out on.

I agree with snow_girl.

Jealousy is just not a desirable aspect in a long distance relationship. I really don't see the reason to be jealous about the people being with your SO everyday, because they're not together with him as you are.
And being jealous about how often other people see their SO's are not healthy either.
You're too focused on the wrong things, which sorry to say, can put a very negative turn on your relationship. If you really wish for this long distance relationship to work, you need to put some of this overwhelming jealousy behind you. Sorry to be blunt here.
I'm just not the jealous type myself.

[Rugger]

No need to get your panties in a knot. I disagree that jealousy is healthy, its a sign on insecurity. I also never had any issue with the distance and because I trusted him I had no worries when he was out or felt like I was missing out. He had his friends, I had mine. You look forward to the things you'll do together, not the things you are missing out on.

I agree with snow. Jealous is not healthy. It's an emotion that nothing good ever comes from. I have two friends that were LDR after college while I was doing mine. Both of them got to see their SOs a lot more than I did and closed the distance long before I did because of the distance. Sometimes it made me sad, but I was happy for them because I knew first hand how hard it was to be separated from someone you love. No it's not fair, but where did you ever get the idea that life is fair? Life isn't fair and it never will be, so stop expecting it to be.

You need to work on yourself in order to be less insecure. Work on your self esteem. Once i did that, I found that I didn't get jealous anymore and my life is so much happier.

[oxytocinbite]

I am honestly the same way about the whole jealous thing to an extent..but I think that mainly had to do with me being pretty depressed about a whole flood of things. I know when I have no drama with my family that then I was a whole lot better. I think you should be more happy for him when he has fun, and try to be as hopeful as possible about things you will get to do with him when you see him. That was the way I would survive just thinking about the happy times you are going to have. I am positive your so is going to want to spend all of his time with you when you see him again.

I would mainly do the whole "I feel sorry for myself thing" but it was never really about being jealous over my sister who saw her bf a lot. It was mainly because my so has nice friends and a pretty nice family. I was just wishing I had a better mom and everything and things to do (I live in a pretty vacant area). The whole mom thing may sound horrible but if you lived with her you would understand. (alcoholic with emotionally abusive behavior.)

Overall though, try to control the jealousy..it will make it a whole lot easier! I am still working on mine when I am long distance (currently living with so for a few months) hehe