I'm afraid he'll never understand, and that's a problem.

[broken.strength]

My SO and I had been close friends for 3 or 4 years, and we started dating almost 6 months ago. I moved to Europe about a month ago to begin an English teaching job and he moved to another state two months ago to start his first year of law school.

Lately our differences in our personalities and differences in our own current experiences are magnifying. Since I don't know anyone here very well yet, I've been spending a lot of time by myself (I'm getting involved with other things but it just needs time) and I've been struggling with that. The stresses of being in a foreign country, learning a new language (I can already speak it but I'm in no way fluent and I'm trying to get better), trying to get my classes organized, being by myself and trying to make new friends, and generally experiencing a whole new adventure on my own has been weighing down on me. Not to mention that I'm homesick too. I've been so stressed that I've lost 10 lbs in the past 2 weeks without ever noticing, and I almost never have an appetite (which definitely is not normal, because I love food).

But lately, even though he claims he understands what I'm going through here, I don't think he really does. He talks about how he misses home and his family to me. As I'm still struggling, that's very hard to hear, and he knows better than to try to ask me to comfort him when I'm in the same boat, but add 4700 miles. He also asked me the other day to try to talk to his sister who's still in college because "she is feeling lonely and doesn't feel like she has any friends." I was surprised that he would ask this from me while I'm going through such a hard time, and I think it's really insensitive. He got pissed when I didn't want to argue about it again, but I'm just growing so tired of this. Usually we always work out together any relationship issues we have, but at this point I'm too emotionally drained to go through another long argument with him, and he's upset at me for that.

I've been giving him plenty of grace because I fully understand he's going through his first yr of law school (which is the hardest year) and being in a new place where he doesn't know anyone either. But my situation is still a little different, and I don't think he appreciates that. I need someone who does.

Anyone going through/have gone through something like this? What was the outcome?

[kacie]

Maybe talking to his sister, would help, if neither of you have many friends and feel lonely it could be an opportunity to get to know each other better and support each other in finding new friends. Your situations might be different, but both of you are facing the same issues, support each other though it all.

[broken.strength]

I'll have to disagree with you there. We're not facing the same issues. To be more specific, she has friends that she feels don't treat her very well. She goes to a very large university (the same one my SO and I went to) and she could easily find better friends that she deserves. This is a normal college experience; I had the same experience too. But I didn't need anybody to help me find new friends, and I know she's strong enough to do it herself. Besides, I'm not as concerned about making friends because I'm in the process of doing that already, with the other English teaching assistants. But there are still many times during the week I find that I am alone, doing things by myself. Not that it's a bad thing, but it's something that's just going to take a while to get used to. It could be good for me.

Besides, I want comfort from my actual SO, not his sister whom I barely know. That's just not right to me. I'm looking for comfort and support as I go through this, and I need him to truly understand and to help me. I've been doing my best to do the same for him.

[Chlo]

Hey.

I'm sorry you're going through a tough time at the moment, just try to keep positive! You wouldn't have made this choice if it wasn't right for you.

As for your SO, it's hard to change someone.. And I think we all know that.
If you feel you can't put the energy into discussing/aruging (whatever you want to call it) about the fact that you need his support, then I'm not sure what else to tell you. It will be difficult, but you need to make him realise how important it is to you. If not, I think you'll be stuck in this situation for a while. Sometimes people need things spelling out for them, maybe this is the case? Some people find it difficult to support others from a distance too, he might just struggle with the fact that you're upset and lonely and doesn't know how to deal with it himself.
I know you say you don't want to argue with him again, but you'll have to talk this out with him. We can give you all the fake scenarios in the world, but you won't truly know whats going on, unless you speak to him yourself.
I hope you feel better soon. Best of luck!

[LadyDaemon]

I honestly think you're being a bit insensitive yourself. You're carrying this attitude of 'How dare he ask me to comfort him while I'm going through what I'm going through.' and that's the wrong way to go about it. He's suffering and having just as much of an issue as you are. Granted you're many more miles away but the issue at the end of the day is still the same. As far as his sister is concerned,why does it matter if he asked you to talk to her and make friends? If you're going to be in a relationship with him you're going to have to get to know and get along with his family. Just because she's having the 'typical college experience' doesn't mean she doesn't need friends. Sure she can find them on her campus but maybe she's having a hard time with that. Some people have difficulty making friends in new places. All he's asking is that you be kind enough to talk to her and try to be her friend. There's nothing wrong with that. But anyway,you BOTH need to support each other and the reason he's probably arguing with you about it is because you're downplaying his situation and how he feels because of the way you feel and you're also being rather rude about his sister. If my SO acted like that towards me I'd have an issue too. So,I think you need to sit down and talk to him like him and his feelings matter and get it sorted out.

[Zephii]

I think you need to learn that problems are not a competition. I know there was a better way to say that, but I'm tired. So please take it in the spirit I mean it and not in the bare-bones critical way that it seems at first. I care, but I'm an arsehole when I'm worn out.

Anyway so disclaimer aside, bad shit happens in life and sometimes it's going to happen to both people in a couple at once. The way you make that shit work is by putting each other first. You lay down your issues, and make him your priority, trusting that he does the same for you. I'm going to use an example from my own life because it's easier than making shit up. For us right now, I'm stressed because I'm the breadwinner but I earn very little and am barely keeping us afloat, when for 9 months I was a stay-at-home mum. I miss my baby terribly, I'm tired all the time from a health issue, and so it's very very hard for me to care that he's struggling just as much as I am from things like financial stress, parenting stress and depression due to being unemployed. But somehow we manage. Even though he feels like crap inside, he's making dinner, doing the duties I usually would, and trying to make me feel special. And even though I feel like arse and just want to sit down, I'm doing small things like bringing him a drink, staying up late to play a video game with him or letting him grow a plastic crocodile in my bathtub. No, I'm really serious. There is a plastic crocodile in my bathtub. My husband is 27.

The point being is that if you wallow in your own misery it only divides you when you need to hold each other up instead. He needs to turn to you regardless of if you think his problems are not as big as yours. Our own problems always feel more immediate than those of others, you know?

If you need something, tell him you need it. Tell him exactly what to do to support you. I'm sure he wants nothing more than to help, but doesn't know how to help you best with your individual needs.
Wishing you all the best, and hoping something in this made sense.

[Black_Halloween]

I honestly think you're being a bit insensitive yourself. You're carrying this attitude of 'How dare he ask me to comfort him while I'm going through what I'm going through.' and that's the wrong way to go about it. He's suffering and having just as much of an issue as you are. Granted you're many more miles away but the issue at the end of the day is still the same. As far as his sister is concerned,why does it matter if he asked you to talk to her and make friends? If you're going to be in a relationship with him you're going to have to get to know and get along with his family. Just because she's having the 'typical college experience' doesn't mean she doesn't need friends. Sure she can find them on her campus but maybe she's having a hard time with that. Some people have difficulty making friends in new places. All he's asking is that you be kind enough to talk to her and try to be her friend. There's nothing wrong with that. But anyway you BOTH need to support each other and the reason he's probably arguing with you about it is because you're downplaying his situation and how he feels because of the way you feel and you're also being rather rude about his sister. If my SO acted like that towards me I'd have an issue too. So,I think you need to sit down and talk to him like him and his feelings matter and get it sorted out.

Exactly this. Relationships are a two ways street and you need to support each other. Just because you're in a different country now doesn't mean his issues have lost their significance or that yours are somehow more important than his.

[Mims27]

I agree with everything that has been said by other members but I just wanted to add that I think you should be flattered that he asked you to maybe be his sister's friend. He obviously thinks you would be a good friend or help to her. And he clearly cares a lot about you both. I don't think he's was trying to help you find friends. I don't understand how that was insensitive of him. Maybe it's just me...

[Dezface]

You sound incredibly selfish. His problems don't cease to exist because you have some too. You CHOSE to move. As did he. You're both entitled to miss home. It doesn't matter who's farther away. As a couple who's experiencing similar things, you should be able to seek comfort in each other. But you've told him he better not DARE to ask you for comfort. What kind of supportive partner does that?

I'm not saying your partner shouldn't support and comfort you. He should. But it goes both ways. If you want support from him, try giving it first.

[temporaryuser]

agreed. You are both going thru equally tough situations. I have a feeling he is emotionally drained from school and doesnt have much left. His time and brain are now consumed with law and he is trying to get you to talk to his sister in hopes that it will give you someone to talk to.
Does it mean he doesnt understand what you are going thru? No. put the shoe on the other foot. Yes, you are in a foreign country. That is an amazing experience to get to go thru. Is it hard to adjust? Of course. new sights, new foods, new language, new experiences. Now look at what he is going thru - books - hours and hours of class, libraries and study time.
He may never understand your feelings on this because he is going thru his own turmoil right now. You can either accept that or hold a grudge against him

[silvermoonfairy3]

I'm with LadyDaemon and Zephii on this one.. Problems aren't "mine is bigger, so you need to support me and put your issues aside." It sounds like there's a bit of insensitivity on both ends.
I also think that your bf asking you to talk to his sister might be his way of saying you guys are in a similar situation (if not exactly the same) and maybe can commiserate and talk each other through it, in a different way than a guy can. Female-female friendships and discussions of things that are tough can be really terrific.

[broken.strength]

I'm very upset at your reactions, except for the second person who replied. I was trying to convey that I've been extremely supportive for him, but I don't get enough from him. You call me selfish and insensitive, but you all barely know who I am or what type of girlfriend I am to him. And because of that I tried to explain this situation as best as I can, but I guess I didn't do so enough.

I came to this website for support and understanding, and I'm very disappointed. If you truly knew me you wouldn't think of me as being selfish or demanding or insensitive. If you saw our relationship you would know that I love him deeply and am very appreciative of him. I've been so stressed with so many things here simultaneously that the last thing I need is negative responses from people who I thought could understand where I was coming from. I've broken down enough as it is, so thank you to you all for pushing me into another.

I don't think I'll be on this website much longer. Thanks for those who actually provided positive support and comfort.