Problem in ldr

[Hkh8871]

So I have been dating someone I really thought was special in my life since Dec 2012. So we have been together around 9 1/2 months at this point. In the beginning (first 5-6 months) he was amazing. He was the greatest guy I had ever met- attentive, compassionate, loving, affectionate…just literally an amazing person towards me. He would do things, even if he didn’t like them, just to make me happy and I did the same. We are a long distance couple and up until this recent time together, long distance was working out for us. we are both young (early twenties) and he is starting a great career and I’m studying in grad school in Europe while he lives in the USA…we do our own things when we are apart and I’m not needy when we are apart but my last five weeks in the USA (after being there for 3 months) have been awful. We have only been fighting because he doesn’t want to make the drive to where I live because there is “nothing to do there” and his “friends aren’t there” and he just wants me to come to him and do what he wants to do with him. Everytime I tried to stand up for myself or tell him that I don’t want to go to his place (because he still lives with his parents) it turned into a huge fight and would result in me nagging and us not seeing each other that weekend until Sunday when he’d drive down to me. Even when we are in the same country/state- we live an hour away from each other by car and it does make driving a bit of a task but lately it has become very one sided (me doing the most driving). I have had a very honest conversation with him about our problem for the past 5 weeks and we both had opposite expectations in what should have happened…we both recognized we made mistakes but I don’t think he realized that my biggest problem is the fact that he only wants to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it where he wants to do it and with whom he wants to do it. It seems as though he wants me in his life in all ways, but he wants me to be a part of ONLY his life- not that he wants to be a part of mine also. It is true that there is very little to do where I live and more where he lives but it’s just hurtful that he doesn’t see being with me as enough. Then, as a cherry on the sundae, the weekend I had to leave back to Europe we didn’t see each other even though he was supposed to take me to the airport. I left on a Saturday and on Friday I thought he would come over and then we’d go to the airport Saturday. Instead he didn’t come over on Friday, so I called a car service to take me on Saturday. Saturday morning he calls me and is appalled that I would get a car service, etc. etc. A huge fight breaks out and then instead of coming to see me at the airport (which he was at too because he was flying out at the same time for a weekend of fun) he just takes his time and even though I told him and I was waiting as long as I could before going through security…we didnt see each other. i was so hurt and so upset…we argued until the plane took off and didn’t speak for a few days. He sent me a text apologizing and saying he realized how much he hurt me and then later i sent him an email explaining my feelings and he answerred with the same apology as before. We spoke for a bit longer last night and it once again became a one sided discussion of him wanting his life to be more fluid and me to be more integrated with his friends and his life and his activities because I’m the one that comes there temporarily. He is coming to visit me in 20 days but i harbor such resentment against him because of the past few weeks. Even because of the talk we had- it is always about what HE wants, what HE is comfortable with, and it seems as though i can either conform to what he wants or we fight. It just seems as though he no longer cares or really wants to be with me unless it’s on his terms. When we are together he doesn’t do anything for me really. He just wants me there as a “figure” in his life but he doesn’t want to do anything for me- no more flowers or dates or anything and i want that back. I just don’t know what to do because a part of me loves him and cares for him and wants nothing more than to go back to how it was but the other part thinks that there is just way to much that has happened for me to be able to let go and fully care about someone with a mindset like that. I want to be made to feel special also and it is something i do for him but no longer something he does for me. I don’t even get good night or good morning texts or any interaction throughout the day- nothing. I've said I love you once but he hasn't yet. He calls me his love though. The whole situation is horrible and I don't know if it's worth it anymore

[Lovebee]

That was quite a read, so I'm sorry if I haven't interpreted it properly. It seems that you are putting the effort in to the relationship and making all the compromises whilst he is perfectly happy to dictate all the terms of you being together. It also seems like he only apologises when you do make a stand and says the same thing to keep the relationship going.

To be honest, it sounds like he is using you. Consider if you are really satisfied with the way he is behaving and the way he is treating you, and consider if you are willing to continue with the state of your relationship indefinitely... because I don't really think he will change his behaviour, no matter what he says when he's apologising...

[kikidee]

That's crazy that he didn't visit you when you finally had the chance.
Even if it's boring, like that matters. It's not like when you're dating someone you do out and do something crazy every day. That would get tiring anyways. My SO is stationed in a place that to be honest isn't the most exciting (although I liked it) but it's fun just getting to do little things with your SO. Like, actually getting to hug and kiss. I loved just going out to eat or exploring with him.
I'm getting the impression that you may care about him more than he does you. Everyone knows relationships are all about compromise, AND being happy making your SO happy. Maybe you should talk more about where he sees this relationship going.
As for the dates and flowers, you definitely should have dates with him but don't expect too much anymore. You probably got past the honeymoon stage and that's why he doesn't seem like he's dying over you, but as everything else is taken into account, it might be more on his part.

[Hollandia]

I agree. Who cares what it is like where you are at? I asked my SO what he wanted to do for his visit and his answer was " I don't care what we do, I just want to hang out with you." This is how I feel about going to see him too. You don't visit each other for the sights, you do it to see each other.

[Hkh8871]

Yes well the only argument I guess for that is that it wasn't really a "visit"- I was there for 3 1/2 months...which is still not an excuse for his behavior. It was like the first 2 1/2 months were amazing and then me being there just became status quo. :-/

[churchgrim]

Honestly, if I was in your place I would have a serious talk with him ASAP. You said that whenever you bring it up, it turns into a big fight between you two - that's not right. He should take your feelings seriously, especially if you've brought it up more than once. Don't let yourself get drawn into having an argument this time - if he doesn't talk to you calmly and tries to turn it into a fight, tell him you'll talk to him later, and make sure he knows that when you talk to him again you expect that he'll talk with you and take your concerns seriously. Then walk away from the conversation. When you return to it, stay calm and don't back down. For me, this is a major relationship concern.

Obviously you can't expect your SO to drop everything for you every time, but from what I've read he does it every single time - is this something you can put up with for the remainder of your relationship?

[Hkh8871]

We have had talks about it. He says he needs his life to be more fluid since I am there for 6 months and away for 6 months that it is unhealthy for him to break off all contact with his friends whenever I'm there because when I leave he is lost and isn't part of his group anymore etc etc. I told him we have to meet each other halfway that it isn't just about him and he agrees but I don't know if he really understands? And the day after we have this big talk that ends with I miss you and sweet dreams (he doesn't say I love you yet) he doesn't text me or contact me in any way. Which is what throws me the most. It's confusing because he won't let me go when I want to leave him and he always seems like he wants to work on our relationship and he sayswe need better communication and our fights stem from expectations and miscommunication blah blah but he also tells me we should work on it because of all the time we have invested and everything we have invested but not once because he cares for me or I'm important to him. Maybe that's the girly side of me that's being needy. I'm just so confused cause I care about him so much and when I try to let go or move on he doesn't let me

[AussiesPet]

Not to be harsh or anything but it takes two to make a relationship no matter if its CD or LDR.. There is an effort that both MUST put into any relationship or it just isn't going to work.. It sounds as if you do want this to work out. I know it's not easy at all to let go of the resentment, but that would be a start.. Find a time when you both can talk uninterrupted and come out and ask him.. Hash it all out with BOTH voicing feelings, concerns, thoughts, hopes...... Keeping it all in, even though you've vented here, is not good and can make you feel physically sick..
Even if some of the answers aren't what you might want to hear it's still better than going on as you are.. With everything on the table so to speak both of you can move forward and decide if putting the effort into the relationship is something you both truly want and are willing to do..

[Lovebee]

when I try to let go or move on he doesn't let me

This makes alarm bells ring for me - in what way does he not "let" you leave? You don't need his permission if you're unhappy... and it sounds like you've tried a few times to leave and move on...

It sounds to me like he doesn't want to let you go because he has an easy life right now. He says you need better communication, but he's not communicating any better - he's ignoring your messages and not contacting you! He says you should work on it because of the time investing, but he's not investing the time in visiting you!

It's not girly or needy to want your SO to make you feel like you're important to him. You should feel important if your relationship is working, which is obviously isn't.

[Hkh8871]

I don't mean that he physically doesn't let me leave. It's every time I bring up us not being good for one anther he claims it's a "rough patch" or "miscommunication" or "opposing expectations" and that we are good together and it works etc etc. I don't want to break up with him it isn't something that is easy and when I have resolve he says everything to break it so we stay together. It just doesn't make sense to me- why would someone want to stay with someone when they don't? If that makes sense

[Hkh8871]

It's very confusing and frustrating for me

[Hollandia]

We have had talks about it. He says he needs his life to be more fluid since I am there for 6 months and away for 6 months that it is unhealthy for him to break off all contact with his friends whenever I'm there because when I leave he is lost and isn't part of his group anymore etc etc. I told him we have to meet each other halfway that it isn't just about him and he agrees but I don't know if he really understands? And the day after we have this big talk that ends with I miss you and sweet dreams (he doesn't say I love you yet) he doesn't text me or contact me in any way. Which is what throws me the most. It's confusing because he won't let me go when I want to leave him and he always seems like he wants to work on our relationship and he sayswe need better communication and our fights stem from expectations and miscommunication blah blah but he also tells me we should work on it because of all the time we have invested and everything we have invested but not once because he cares for me or I'm important to him. Maybe that's the girly side of me that's being needy. I'm just so confused cause I care about him so much and when I try to let go or move on he doesn't let me

We are fairly close to the same way, I stay there with him every 3 months for 3 months, so 90 days in and then 90 days out. We had some talks about how this is our life now and how when I am there it should be no different. The way it worked out last time I was there was a month of 8am-10pm overtime followed by two bachelor parties and one guy's night out. I spent a lot of time alone but that is how life is sometimes. We lost three other potential weekend nights to weddings and anniversary parties. When he asked if I minded if he went out again the week I was leaving I told him I preferred he spend that time with me and he did. During all three of his nights out he texted me he loved me and the night he stayed home he said he was glad he did. Relationships need compromise and understanding each other's feelings.

If you two are not at the point where he tells you he loves you, I am shocked you are spending so much time together and it might be a case of too much too soon. This is a complicated situation to deal with and you need to be fully vested to fully make the compromises work. I also don't understand why he has to "lose contact" with his friends when you are there. If you are to close the distance at some point, would he give up his friends for good? Why? My SO sees his circle of friends whether I am there or not and sometimes I spend time with them too. I would suggest a dinner party next time you are at his place and invite all his closest friends so that he can learn to merge his two worlds instead of thinking he needs to choose between the two of them.