Am I expecting too much too early?

[Mumin]

Hello LFAD,

this is my first post here.
I am sorry if something is unclear in my post, I am really confused, sad and nervous at the moment.
I hope to get some fresh perspectives on this topic because it's driving me nuts.
I met my SO about 18 months ago, we started dating in the mid of january this year. We only live about 100 kilometers apart and see each other at least every weekend.

If everything goes well I'll have my bachelor's degree after this semester (about march 2014) and I kind of want to know or plan in which direction my life will go afterwards.
My SO is currently fulfilling his basic military service which lasts 6 months and will be over in march as well.

And that is where my problem starts.

He doesn't really know what he wants to do after his basic military service is over. He always wants to wait and see what happens.
Somedays he says he'll study at university 220 km away from me. (Going with him is not an option unfortunately.) Other days he says he wants to find a job and start working.
He also says he wants to have a future with me - eventually, but he doesn't have the slightest idea on when ( e.g. after he has his my bachelor's degree) he expects to close the distance.
I can't stand this uncertainty. I just want to roughly know what I can expect, if it would be 5, 6, 7 or 10 or 20 years.

I don't believe in fortunetelling but this wait and see thing is the extreme opposite in my opinion.

I know that he is scared of the future because he doesn't know what to do, I tried talking to him.
Not knowing anything is driving me crazy and I don't know how to cope with it.


Has someone experienced a situation like mine? Does anybody have advice?

[SJ22]

I really can't give you any advice but I know how you feel. I always like to know things sooner rather than later whereas my SO just waits& waits and repeats his favorite saying 'we'll see when the time is there.' (talking about his "maybe study in Korea" for instance )
I can however give you a virtual hug

Best you can do is tell him if it bothers you this much. Try to explain that this indistinctness is not making you very happy but doubtful.

[squeeker]

Hey, I think I can understand.. my SO and I have switched how and when we could close the distance many times since we first started talking about it. We used to have plans that I could study there (too expensive, my government would only give me so much student loans, and might not even if I don't pick a "designated school" plus I would have hardly any time to talk to him anyways) and then I had plans I could do the youth mobility visa for 2 years in the UK (though it makes it more difficult because his dad and him live in a house paid for my housing benefit and me staying with them for longer than a visit might jeopardize their situation) and the other fact that I was working at a part time job, and saved enough for a visit, spent it all, and had to start from scratch again, and we didn't have a hope of closing the distance unless I saved even better AND we couldn't visit for a few years so I could save up.. so we went through a lot of depressed states.. and then finally figured we'd have to go back to university. My boyfriend started last year because he phoned up a college for a university degree and they didn't have the one he wanted any more (the site wasn't updated) but they did have this other related course and they still had openings so he took the chance and went for it.. and I started my university degree this year. It'll take us a good few years before we can permanently close the distance, but at least we have more hope of doing so now.

I think my advice for you is, try and keep it in your mind he might want to go to university and get a bachelors degree, because then if he decides to just work and close the distance sooner, that will be a bonus. Plus, if he works first, he might want to take a bachelors degree later anyways, and you don't want to stop him from his dreams because then he might get depressed because he can't work in his dream field or because he feels like he should be working in a higher paying job but can't because he didn't get his bachelors degree and if he feels you stopped him from doing so because he felt pressure to close the distance, he might blame you in part. I think you might want to encourage him to get the bachelors degree if it's something he wants to do, and plan for a few years of you just working and saving up for when you can be together. Plus if you can find a job, you can probably go visit him at university, at least some weekends and holidays. Or you can pay for him to come back on the holidays, because that might be easier depending on your job..

Try not to worry about it. I know it can be unsettling having the future unplanned.. my SO and I are still in a place where we can't fully plan it.. my SO is more worried because he will be graduating before me, and so he's been worried about what kind of job he'll be able to get, etc. It's hard but keep positive.. you have hope of closing the distance sometime because you will have a job and he'll either get a job soon or go to university and then get a job. Though I don't know how the job outlook is in Austria so I don't know how soon you will.. but him having a university degree will probably help, especially if it's in something that is in demand.

I hope I helped or I hope you are able to calm down about this soon.

[Mumin]

First of all thank you both for your kind words!

I think my advice for you is, try and keep it in your mind he might want to go to university and get a bachelors degree, because then if he decides to just work and close the distance sooner, that will be a bonus. Plus, if he works first, he might want to take a bachelors degree later anyways, and you don't want to stop him from his dreams because then he might get depressed because he can't work in his dream field or because he feels like he should be working in a higher paying job but can't because he didn't get his bachelors degree and if he feels you stopped him from doing so because he felt pressure to close the distance, he might blame you in part. I think you might want to encourage him to get the bachelors degree if it's something he wants to do, and plan for a few years of you just working and saving up for when you can be together. Plus if you can find a job, you can probably go visit him at university, at least some weekends and holidays. Or you can pay for him to come back on the holidays, because that might be easier depending on your job..

I think it may be helpful if I added a few more things.
I already have a job (only part time because my field of study is only available as full time) but I just make enough money to support myself. We both made schools that left us qualified in a certain field with a complete education (I am a chef and he is a computer technician) so going to university is just some kind of "extra".
He just said he realised in the last three months (he stayed at home between finishing his school in june and starting his military service in october) that he isn't that interested in what he wanted to study in the first place. He could also study his field in the city where I attend university. He just doesn't seem to inform himself on that matter and doesn't want to plan at all because he is scared. I already researched if I could study for my master's at the university he favored, but they don't offer my field. :/

I really want to encourage and help him with his desicion, no matter what it will be. If only he would make a desicion.

[Laurenmb]

Hi Mumin, I am going through almost the same situation. It's so similar that I had to check and make sure that I did not write your first post myself. Unfortunately, I can't give you much advice hut I can let you know that you're not the only person to have to go through something like this.

My boyfriend is also in the army and we live about an hour away from each other. I get to see him every weekend, hate being away during the week. We have discussed getting married several times. He is getting out of the army in December. At first his plans were to stay in this area instead of going back to his hometown in Kentucky. Suddenly, almost of out nowhere, his plans changed and he decided to go away to school. He was looking at colleges all over the US before finally settling on a university in Pennsylvania, about 5 hours away from me. I would love to move with him but according to him it's not really an option.

I have asked him repeatedly what his plans are, when he thinks we can finally be together but I can't seem to get a straight answer out of him. I like to plan ahead and the anticipation of him leaving is making me worry about the future more.

So like I said I can't offer much advice but I can tell you what has started to work for me. I learned that the time waiting for a relationship to go LD is nerve wrecking and many often feel that the anticipation is worse than the actual separation. If you are anything like me than this anticipation is probably what is making you freak out the most. I have come to just be grateful that he is willing to do LD and try my best to support him. Like another poster said, guys may come to resent you if they pass up an opportunity that could benefit them in the long run.

I also began to plan as much as I could with the little information that I had. With each new school he mentioned, I looked up job opportunities in that area that I would qualify for. It is still unknown if we will be closing the distance sometime in the near future, but just to know that if we do decide to do so that I can get a job there makes me feel better for some reason. I even looked up different ways of traveling to see him (closest train stations, airports, and bus stations)

I also learned that this is a very scary time for my soldier. Getting out of the military can be a very hard transition for some, and I don't know about Austria, but in the US many military personnel can have a hard time finding jobs. I know this is a big concern for my guy and the main reason why he decided to go to school and choose something he loves doing. Your boyfriend may be feeling the same kind of anxiety. Being patient and showing that I'm willing to support him helped my man open up and share his options with me more.

I also look at it like this: if he stayed in the army he would have to deploy. At least this way I know he's safe. I need to do my best to support him now just like I would do then.

Sorry for the novel and rambling. Hope this helped.

Lauren

[Malaga]

I understand your position all too well, I was like that too for awhile. In the end I realised that you have to seize opportunities as they come to you and make your own goals happen - then your future together will shape around it. Your boyfriend seems at a turning point in his life, he has to make a decision about his future and for whatever reason at the moment this doesn't come easily to him. What I've learnt is that when you're unable to make a decision, something must change in your circumstances and then new doors will open for you. Now you can't change his circumstances for him, you can only change your own.

What do you want to do after you graduate? Do you want to go back to school or work full time? Which school do you think is best for *you*? Where do you want to live? Set up your own goals and go for them. This doesn't necessarily mean you're giving up on your future together - on the contrary, you're making it easier for both of you. Because while you're waiting for him to make his decision, maybe he's also waiting for you to make your own?

I hope this makes sense. Stop anticipating his choices and make your own. You'll see how things start to change.

[Mumin]

Thank you sooo much for your support everyone!
Your words have really helped me to calm down a little bit.

I wish the best to all of you and hope you will find a solution for your circumstances as well.

I don't know how, but yesterday something like a miracle happened.
He talked to me and said that at least this college 200 km away was not an option anymore because he doesn't like to be away from his friends, his family and me and that it would not be worth it because he is not that interested in this college anyway.
My SO also said that he now has to wait for at which college he will get accepted (there are several possibilities half way between our hometowns) and if he finds a good part time job moving in together would be possible.

I did not expect to solve this thing so easily and fast but I am very glad it went like this.
Now I can work with this information and be a little calmer about our future.

Thank you everyone!