HELP!! I don't want to lose my soulmate after 12 years

[Dot]

I'll try and keep this brief...

My SO and I have been together for 12 years, almost half our lives. We met when we were teenagers, have been through so much together, long distance and living together, and have always talked about the near and distant future with each other as a permanent fixture. We want to grow old together.

Three years ago he took a job in the Middle East. It was an excellent opportunity for him, but It almost destroyed us, repeatedly. I didn't want him to go, so took it really badly. It felt like everything was on his terms. Less than a year ago he came home for good, and it was wonderful, until time came for him to get a job... Nothing would compare to what he had out in the Middle East (there's no income tax out there for a start...)

After months of depression and arguments we have both admitted he would rather be back there and he has now put things in motion to leave again. As a result, we decided (agonisingly) that we must be a bad fit as we want such different things in life (namely i want to stay in the UK, and he doesn't).

We broke up last week and now are both so miserable it's unbearable, it's like someone has died.

Now that we don't have any future together whatsoever, I feel more willing to negotiate and make compromises I wouldn't have dreamed of before, in order to stay together. He feels the same. My concerns are:

a) am I kidding myself?
b) will it just be me making the compromises while he gets everything he wants?
c) what the hell will my friends and family say?! They were not happy the way it went the first time round!

I can't go and visit him when he goes, because we are not married and it is an Islamic country. The only way i can go there is to marry him first. I'm a stubborn romantic, I don't want to do that just to suit someone else's rules. Also it would mean giving up everything I have here (family, career, home) to live on an Ex-Pat compound thousands of miles away from my life in the UK. The rules for how women can live out there are far too restrictive for me and the only employment i'd be allowed to have would be as an assistant in an ExPat school on the compound. I work in Social Care and OT, so my career aspirations are a little higher than that...

I've spent months considering this as I could see it coming, but the last week has really condensed all my thoughts. I don't want anybody else. EVER. The thought of being kissed by anyone other than him makes me feel physically sick, its just plain wrong. I want to get married and maybe start a family one day but I don't want to do those things with anyone but him.

Can I find a way to make this work so we can live well together even though we'll be apart? Life without him looks miserable and bleak, i'd lose so much, too much.

HELP!

[dragonlady]

you already reply to your own question; you dont want anybody else then him so....
and what is he doing to make your future comfy over there? and maybe another country instead of there?

[Black_Halloween]

I'm so sorry that you're heart broken but after twelve years he's still not willing to settle down? You said it yourself that you both want completely different things. I know it hurts terribly, I can't imagine but maybe its time to move on and live for yourself and not for him. Do what -you- want, not what only he wants.

[Moon]

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, but you said you've been together since you were teenagers. Unfortunately, people change immensely from when they're teens into adulthood, and often that means your hopes, dreams, and wants are no longer the same, sometimes they become simply incompatible. I don't blame you for not wanting to be a woman, living indefinitely in Saudi Arabia. Normally I'd tell you about compromise, and how someone has to sacrifice, and move, but in this instance, I think that would be too extreme. You'd be giving up your lifestyle and career for an existence that's going to be too regulated for you to ever be happy there, I think. What he's asking of you seems just too much, if he was talking about somewhere else, like here, or Canada, or Germany, or something, I'd tell you to suck it up and go. The only think I can think of is asking him to find a country that's suitable for you both. Good luck.

[Hollandia]

If he loved you enough he should be willing to take a job in another country. It does not have to be UK and there are other regions of the Middle East that are more female friendly like Kuwait. I would say it is his time to make a compromise and do so and if he won't you need to say goodbye, mourn the loss and move on to someone that will love you enough to do so.

[Tooki]

Does he have skills that can only be used in Saudi Arabia or could he get a job in another country besides S.A?

[temporaryuser]

could it be that you only want him because you have never known otherwise? Not saying that first loves cant last, I know many cases that have. But he has seen another side of the world, where as you have never left the UK.
OK, he doesnt want to be in the UK. Can he find comparable work elsewhere, in another country as others stated? Would you be happy anywhere but the UK?
From what you stated, you would not be happy in SA. That would destroy your relationship quickly. why do that to yourself.
maybe the two of you need to sit down, separately and write down your life goals - where you want/expect to be in a year, 5 years, 10 etc. What you are willing to give up in life to be with someone (and him do the same), what qualities you are looking for in a soulmate (and be honest, dont just say everything about him). then share the lists with each other. Take it seriously. You may learn that you two are not compatible anymore, or you may learn to compromise.

[Dezface]

I agree with the others that moving to Saudi Arabia is a hard ask. As much as I love my guy, I wouldn't move there for him. If he's not willing to move somewhere where you have the possibility of finding happiness too, then I'm sad to say it probably won't work. It seems your wants are on completely different paths.

I know how it feels to have been with someone since you were essentially a kid. Life without them seems impossible because it's all you've ever known. But if you do decide this relationship won't work out, you will move on. Sometimes things we thought were definite don't work out, but that doesn't mean life doesn't keep on moving.

I hope everything works out the way it's meant to.

[Dot]

Thanks to everyone for your thoughtful replies. I have a lot of thinking to do!

In my So's defence, he doesn't want to live in the middle east, but the financial and career opportunities there far outweigh the ones here in the UK for him. Its more the leaving my family that puts me off than the culture restraints, If he was working in Germany or Barbados i'd still want to be near near my family... (Also I have left the UK many times, but was always glad to come back to see my family!)

Anyway, thank you all once again, i really appreciate getting some outside perspectives. I have nooooo idea what to do yet, but have plenty to consider.