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    #1

    I need advice. Please?

    I need help. I don't know what to do. I've been in a LDR for about 15 months now. And we've never met. We really love each other though and we plan on moving in together. But that's not until years from now because we both have stuff to do first. So anyway, here's my problem...

    He hates his town and wants to move to a city. And he got to talking with an ex (they're still friends) and he found out she's moving back in 3 months. She asked him if he wanted to move in with her. He said "that's cool". Because she wants to move to a city too. So of course I'm not happy with it. But he said he wants to "go to new places and meet new people".

    I guess I just want to know what everyone else would feel if their long distance boyfriend moves in with an ex. And what you'd do. I'm just so lost. I don't know what to do.

    Thanks, everyone, for listening to me.
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    #2
    Have you actually told him how you feel?

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      #3
      I would not be okay with it either... But you guys should be able to talk about this kind of thing! I'm sure there are other options for him to move to the city, if he wants it that badly. You also have to consider that visiting each other might be expensive, and living in the city costs a lot of money so he wouldn't be able to save up as much. If you're already saying you want to move in together one day, I'd think he would want to save up as much money as possible to realize his dream later on, with YOU and not his ex! Why does he hate his town so much? For just standard reasons or is there something specifically bad?
      As we always say to basically every thread here, communication is the key! Let him know how you feel about it, talk about other options, discuss the finances, etc. I'm sure that if he loves you, he's willing to listen to your opinion and find a way that makes both of you happy.

      Comment

        #4
        I have. And he said he won't cheat on me and stuff. And he also said this, "You're not gonna like it. But if I get the chance I will. I want to go new places. Meet new people. Even if you don't like it." Then this, "I'm sorry. But I wanna go new places. And you won't be here for a while. And I'm 19. I don't wanna spend the rest of my life in one place."

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          #5
          We've never really talked about expenses. Just that it will be expensive. And he's not really saving up. He's just kinda waiting for me to graduate from college. After that, I think we'd talk about seeing each other again.

          Oh, and he just hates it for general reasons. He doesn't like the people there.

          Comment

            #6
            Originally posted by LFAREALLYLONGD View Post
            I have. And he said he won't cheat on me and stuff. And he also said this, "You're not gonna like it. But if I get the chance I will. I want to go new places. Meet new people. Even if you don't like it." Then this, "I'm sorry. But I wanna go new places. And you won't be here for a while. And I'm 19. I don't wanna spend the rest of my life in one place."
            I understand where he's coming from (you probably do too) but the reasons he gives you still have nothing to do with his ex. The fact that he wants to move there is fine, as is the fact that he wants to meet new people and see other places. But the problem is that it is his ex. They separated for a reason, probably, and it is not wrong of you to be concerned about him living with any girl in general. However, there is only so much you can do... If you've voiced your concerns and he's not listening to you, that's a real shame. I would suggest telling him that you're all for the idea, as long as he goes and finds someone else to live with. Does he work or study in the city? Maybe there's a guy friend who is looking for a room?
            If he's committed to your relationship (I don't know how far apart you live / how much it costs to travel) he should probably think about the finances. It's really expensive to live in a city, and if he can't afford it it's a bad idea in general... Just my opinion though! Good luck!

            Comment

              #7
              keep in mind, things can change in 3 months. She can move back and they be totally incompatibale. if you are only 19, is he the same age? So an ex from high school?
              I can understand him wanting to move. I hated where I grew up, wasnt happy till i moved away. But if he is moving away from home (asuming he lives with his parents now?) he will have to save up some money to get away to begin with. I have a feeling he hasnt really thought this thru and is just thinking about the idea of moving away and the ex making it seem like a shoe in.
              everything happens for a reason. We may never find out what that reason is/was, but there is a reason.

              Comment

                #8
                I wouldn't be ok with my SO moving in with someone he used to have feelings for, but that's me. I'm sure your SO wouldn't be comfortable if you did the same. However your relationship is in a stage of uncertainty and I can see why he wants to move. He sees it as an opportunity that at the moment is currently attainable compared to you two meeting. Hence why he is going for it. Do you know the circumstances of their break up? Does he still have feelings for her? Was it a mutual thing?

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                  #9
                  He said she's the only one she trusts who would pay rent in time and be neat around the apartment. Since they have already lived together before... He said he'd save up when he gets a job in the city so he can visit me.

                  And subeasley, yes! I was hoping and praying it wouldn't happen! We don't talk about money though. So I don't know how much he has. He's living with his brother right now and he mentioned before that he (his brother) pays for everything. And he doesn't work right now so... Fingers crossed.

                  And I don't know why they broke up. I don't know anything since he doesn't like talking about his exes. He told me they don't matter because he never loved them and that he has only ever loved me. Which is nice and all but I still want to know!

                  Comment

                    #10
                    That's fine that he doesn't want to talk about exes, because they aren't a part of his life anymore. This girl will be though, so you have every right to know the circumstances of their break up and their current friendship IMO.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      I got him to tell me and he said they were just too busy for each other and they lost interest.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        I don't like the "she is the only he trusts to pay rent and they lived together before". That is just an excuse. I would never in a million years be okay with my SO living with someone he used to bang/make love to on a regular basis. Never. He should want to live with you and not her anymore. It is a huge red flag that he just wants both of you and does not realize it yet. This is not about trust ,this is about boundaries. Are you okay with him coming home to her every night? They are still close enough to do this so she will cry on his shoulder when her heart gets broken by some other guy and he will vent to her about whatever fights you too have. Don't kid yourself they won't.

                        I hate to say it, but I would put my foot down on this. An LDR is hard enough, having your SO live with his ex when he does not have to would be my breaking point. You need to decide if it is for you or if you are going to be okay with it.
                        "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. "
                        Benjamin Franklin

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                          #13
                          He said they've never done it, if that makes any difference?

                          And I asked him the thing about him going to her for comfort whenever we fight and he said he won't. And I believe him because he doesn't really like talking about his feelings. Even with me sometimes. I often have to ask and ask and ask before he tells me.
                          Last edited by LFAREALLYLONGD; October 17, 2013, 02:34 AM. Reason: Adding something

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Originally posted by LFAREALLYLONGD View Post
                            He said they've never done it, if that makes any difference?
                            They lived together and never "did it"?
                            "Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. "
                            Benjamin Franklin

                            Comment

                              #15
                              They only lived together before because her parents abused her and she needed somewhere else to stay. They had separate rooms and stuff.

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