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**snow_girl** · October 16, 2013, 06:03 PM

You can't expect someone to all of the sudden become Romeo if he never was. You've been together two years, you're not in the honeymoon period anymore. You have to learn to take the love he can give you. Some people aren't romantic and that is okay. He tells you he loves you and misses and you have to listen to what he says. Some people aren't good with doing that cheesy stuff and maybe telling you he loves you is the only way he knows how to let you know.
Has he actually made you feel insignificant, or did you feel that way because he doesn't know how to do the romantic things you want him to? What to do you tell him when you talk to him about it?

**angelamontijo** · October 16, 2013, 06:07 PM

The main thing that is annoying me is that he won't bother to wake up just a bit earlier to be able to talk. We have to deal with a 14 hour difference, so when I'm awake, he's asleep and vice versa. But if we just woke a little earlier we could make time to talk. He wants me to wake up earlier, but he's not willing to do the same. It's just unfair. I can't always bend over backwards for him. It's supposed to be a two way street here.

Also, whenever I mentioned something remotely pertaining to sex, he wants nothing to do with it. He always brushes off the topic immediately.

**snow_girl** · October 16, 2013, 06:15 PM

Originally posted by angelamontijo View Post

The main thing that is annoying me is that he won't bother to wake up just a bit earlier to be able to talk. We have to deal with a 14 hour difference, so when I'm awake, he's asleep and vice versa. But if we just woke a little earlier we could make time to talk. He wants me to wake up earlier, but he's not willing to do the same. It's just unfair. I can't always bend over backwards for him. It's supposed to be a two way street here.

Also, whenever I mentioned something remotely pertaining to sex, he wants nothing to do with it. He always brushes off the topic immediately.

Did he ever want to talk about sex when you were together? Is it to do with phone/cyber? A lot of people aren't comfortable with that, my ex and I never once did it the six months we were apart cause we both thought it was too weird.

How much earlier are we talking that he'd have to get up?

**Hollandia** · October 16, 2013, 06:17 PM

I hate to say this but if this is something you require and he cannot give you you might have been right to break it off. It will only get worse as you go down the road of life together. It is hard enough to keep romance alive with kids and bills and in-laws and in general... Life. You have to both want to work on it, and if he has given you his all and it is not enough then you need to decide if this is a deal breaker for you or not.

Did the two of you have sex when living together? If you did and he just does not like to talk about it, then he might just be shy in that way or feel it does nothing for him. If you did not, then perhaps he loves you as a friend but not as a lover.

**angelamontijo** · October 16, 2013, 06:27 PM

That's what I've been telling how a while now, that we might be better off as life long friends than as lovers because he's never been able to please me completely. When we lived together, at first we had sex a lot, but I think we got so used to each other that the sex diminished and only happened maybe one a week. And when I'd talk to him about how I feel, he'd take it as an attack to his performance when really I was just trying toe tell him that I wanted more. I feel like its a big part of any romantic relationship. Often times when I've got something going on, and I try to talk to him about it, he just doesn't get it.

Now that I'm conflicted about whether or not I should stay with him, he doesn't understand. Rather than handling it like a loving adult, he became resentful. I don't understand his thought process at all. It's like he's a stranger now, and this was my biggest fear with him leaving.

We said it would be most convenient if we both woke up at 8ish or 9ish so that we both have the time to talk in the morning since I have school and he has work. But he's not willing to wake up to talk.

**Hollandia** · October 16, 2013, 06:34 PM

Originally posted by angelamontijo View Post

That's what I've been telling how a while now, that we might be better off as life long friends than as lovers because he's never been able to please me completely. When we lived together, at first we had sex a lot, but I think we got so used to each other that the sex diminished and only happened maybe one a week. And when I'd talk to him about how I feel, he'd take it as an attack to his performance when really I was just trying toe tell him that I wanted more. I feel like its a big part of any romantic relationship. Often times when I've got something going on, and I try to talk to him about it, he just doesn't get it.

Now that I'm conflicted about whether or not I should stay with him, he doesn't understand. Rather than handling it like a loving adult, he became resentful. I don't understand his thought process at all. It's like he's a stranger now, and this was my biggest fear with him leaving.

We said it would be most convenient if we both woke up at 8ish or 9ish so that we both have the time to talk in the morning since I have school and he has work. But he's not willing to wake up to talk.

It sounds like you know where he stands. Now you have to decide if you would be happier with or without him as the way things are now. I don't think he will be changing.

**ThePiedPiper** · October 16, 2013, 09:02 PM

My boyfriend is incredibly cheesy, sometimes in a way that makes me roll my eyes and playfully tease him about it. He'll come out with something sweet, romantic, and Hollywood-esque, and my way of showing affection tends to be odd at best. I'm more physical than I am verbally romantic and affectionate, and I also have the tendency to do a lot more things to show I care than to illustrate it through language. It sounds like your boyfriend is the same way. By no means does this mean I love or care about my boyfriend any less. He's absolutely amazing and blows me away every day that we spend together, but I'm simply not a rom-com character in the same way he is. He can choose to resent me over this, or he can learn to believe it when I tell him I love him. Same goes for you.

That said, it sounds like there's a lot more going on than simply your boyfriend's lack of romance? I think your boyfriend needs to learn to compromise more, but you also need to learn to let go of resentment, and at this point, it sounds like he's reached his max for what he's willing to do. The only thing I can recommend to you is telling him that it's not fair for you to have to wake up earlier 100% of the time and that you're willing to do it occasionally but not everyday, and follow through, whether that means you talk to him or don't. Don't keep giving in to his every wish and whim, and maybe he'll stop taking it for granted or letting the hard work fall on you. In the same line of thought, you need to not resent him for choices you're continuing to make, no matter how much you wish he would be the one doing the things you're currently choosing to do. It sounds like he needs to put in a little more effort, and you need to learn to appreciate the effort he does put in, but with that said, it also sounds like there's so much resentment and so much you wish you could change and so much thought you've put in to not being compatible that you actually might not be compatible anymore. :/

**aniay** · October 17, 2013, 03:59 AM

My experience says: Don't expect a guy to change.

So you have two options. Accept to live with a guy who doesn't give you things you need or give the relationship up and search for someone who will.

I agree that some guys are just not romantic at all and it's ok because they try to show their feelings in different way (Honey I painted the kitchen!) but if you don't feel loved and cared for... there is something wrong. (Especialy if you talked with him)

In my opinion NOONE should beg to get what they need.

**OperaDiva** · October 17, 2013, 04:12 AM

Distance may make the heart grow fonder (sometimes and in some ways), but it does not change the heart or the person completely. I think you had certain expectations for a change in his behavior that are not based on his character. The question I see here is - do you love him, the way he is, the way he has been? Or do you love the idea of being in a relationship, with some "Hollywood" love sprinkles on top?

**Rugger** · October 17, 2013, 06:32 AM

Originally posted by aniay View Post

My experience says: Don't expect a guy to change.

So you have two options. Accept to live with a guy who doesn't give you things you need or give the relationship up and search for someone who will.

I agree that some guys are just not romantic at all and it's ok because they try to show their feelings in different way (Honey I painted the kitchen!) but if you don't feel loved and cared for... there is something wrong. (Especialy if you talked with him)

In my opinion NOONE should beg to get what they need.

I agree with this. You can't expect a tiger to change its strips. If he wasn't romantic before, why would you expect him to be romantic now? Either take what he can give you, or move on.

Obviously you are unhappy with the lack or sex, but did you talk to him about it now that you are LDR? My SO and I were LDR for 2 ish years and we never had cyber sex. The most we did was send a couple sexy pictures because the rest was weird to us. We saved all our physical stuff for when we were together. We moved in together a year ago and sex was constant, Now it's only about 2-3 a week, which both of us are good with. It happens with majority of relationship.

Hollywood relationships are bullshit. They are made up fabricated garbage.

**snow** · October 17, 2013, 06:57 AM

Yes, I agree, the OP should not expect her SO to change, just because they are LD.
But also, the OP's SO should change, because they are LD.

Living a LDR is hard and we all know that. Being romantic, or atleast attentive and trying to uphold conversations, as well as trying hard to be there for your SO because you simply can't touch them is very important and your SO should try to understand that. While he could have been like that while you were together he should try to get closer with you while LD and you should voice your opinion and tell him that it's the little things that he cant do due to being LD that are missing and making him feel even further away.

Then again: I was in a relationship with a very unromantic guy, who over the course of 4 years that we've been together withdrew sex more and more until it was 3 months in between, so I do know what that feels like. It all depends on him now and if he wants to put in some extra effort to make this relationship work. He can't just expect you to get up early, but then not do it himself, that's simply unfair.

**silvermoonfairy3** · October 17, 2013, 10:27 AM

I agree with most of the rest of the comments in this thread.

There's nothing wrong with your need and desire for a more traditionally-romantic guy, who'll bring flowers or leave send cute notes or whatever, but there's also nothing wrong with your boyfriend for not being that guy. It may simply be that what he is comfortable giving, and what you want, are simply incompatible.

Playing the "I wish he was" game usually doesn't get anywhere. You may wish he was X, Y, or Z, but he's not.
So you're either going to be struggling to try to change him to become like that, or you're going to be settling a bit. Personally I don't recommend either route, and it might be best for you guys to give it some time apart and then see about being good friends.

I think it's particularly hard with LDRs to not think that one day it might be different, because we're all focusing already on how things will inevitably be different when we close the distance. But there's a huge difference between wanting to change circumstances, and wanting to change your partner fundamentally. It sounds like you want the latter, because he's never been overtly romantic. That wasn't something that changed when he moved.

And not getting up earlier, etc.. he's obviously a bit inconsiderate, or just doesn't care. You can try to prod him into it, but is that really going to go well, long-run? Do you really want to be constantly pointing out that he should make more effort? Do you even want to be with a guy who is that inconsiderate of the feelings of someone he says he loves?

In LDR, I feel like it's so easy to say "once THIS happens, then we'll be happy", but the problems come if "this" isn't moving, or other circumstances. It shouldn't be "once he becomes more romantic, I'll be happy." That, to mean, indicates some bit of incompatibility.

I love M right now, as he is, for the man he is. Not the man he could be, if only he were a little more X, Y, Z. No one's perfect, but he is perfect *for me* and what I need and want. His expressions of romance aren't always the "traditional" but that works for me because it makes me feel special, like he put thought into it, and I feel the love behind them.

It sounds like this guy just isn't the "perfect for you" guy, even though he may be wonderful and there may be deep feelings there. So that's something you might need to sort out.. if you're willing to 'settle' for the idea that he will probably never give you the type of traditional romance you're craving, or if you should look for a more fundamentally compatible match.
Good luck!

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