Should you be engaged before relocating?

[misosoup]

Hi all,

I"ve been doing some thinking lately. I really would like to move to where my S/O lives... Its a little complicated because he wants to eventually end up where I"m living after he saves enough money and finishes school. He hates the area he lives in and would definitely not like to raise afamily there. However, he probably wouldn't be able to move here for like another 2-3 years. I have no problem moving there to where he lives because I'm a stir crazy person and love a new change of scenery. We talk about getting married frequently and he has made it very clear that he sees us getting married. Obviously not any time soon tho because of our age and financial situations.... (We are 23 and 24)

However, after talking with my dad.. he thinks that I shouldnt move anywhere for my boyfriend until I have a firm committment--- an actual ring on my finger.

My question is... what is your view on all this. I personally would love a ring before I move, but at the same time I would like to see how we fare living in the same city before getting engaged.. Do you think it is stupid to move for him without an actual engagement?


THanks

[squeeker]

I think if you move before you are committed, you need to at least have a back up plan, don't go and rely alone on your SO for everything, get a job, try and make a few friends in the area, and try and make a live that you enjoy. I don't think you have to be engaged to move to where your partner is, though it is nice to have the extra security of knowing your partner won't leave you - but this doesn't have to come in the form of an engagement ring and could just be where you are in your relationship and you two talking about it.

[Dezface]

I don't see an engagement ring as being any guarantee someone won't leave you.

I moved across the world without a ring and that's A-ok with me.

[Jazi]

I personally considered moving from Australia to England to be with my SO without us being married or engaged, I feel like whatever is a natural progression for your relationship is just fine. In the end me and my SO got engaged before living together - he proposed on one of our visits and we have since applied for a Fiance visa/had it granted/live together and gotten married.

I do feel now that being married is a little extra 'safety net' in a way, We have committed ourselves to this relationship legally - and for the person who gave up their life and moved to a completely new place that commitment and legality is an extra piece of mind - but in no way should you get married JUST for that reason, like I said, I considered moving without a proposal and it was perfectly fine with me.

[Hollandia]

I am torn about this one. I think it is a personal decision. I have been married twice before but I still have told my SO that I won't leave my country, family and friends for a BF but I will in a heartbeat for my husband. I know that marriage is no guarantee but it is a huge commitment to many that plan on making it permanent. If you are not willing to make that commitment to me then I don't think I could ever close the distance in my situation. I also feel that since my SO, and yours, do believe in getting married that means at some point or another you can either Sh#t or get off the pot. I don't wish to be anyone's stepping stone. I wish to be the final destination. If you can't promise me this then I can't uproot my life without it and at some point if you still can't I might have to break it off. This is just my way of looking at it. The idea of spending 5-10 years with him and then finding out he marries someone else a year later sickens me. I just have not decided what that timeline is but I know for a fact it won't involve me moving to him without a ring.

[Moon]

In your case especially, I don't really think engagement is necessary, but OF COURSE your father would think so You're only talking about a DC to NY move, it's not that far, relatively speaking. It wouldn't be a huge hassle to move back if you had to, is what I mean. People move to other parts of the country all the time just to check out what its like, you could look at it that way, instead of moving just because of him. Would your father be OK if you moved to, say, Virginia or Pennsylvania for a job? You aren't losing much by moving a few states away, there aren't a lot of reasons not to try it, really. Parents are always going to be over-protective of your heart, but that doesn't make them correct. Good luck.

[LadyDaemon]

In your case especially, I don't really think engagement is necessary, but OF COURSE your father would think so You're only talking about a DC to NY move, it's not that far, relatively speaking. It wouldn't be a huge hassle to move back if you had to, is what I mean. People move to other parts of the country all the time just to check out what its like, you could look at it that way, instead of moving just because of him. Would your father be OK if you moved to, say, Virginia or Pennsylvania for a job? You aren't losing much by moving a few states away, there aren't a lot of reasons not to try it, really. Parents are always going to be over-protective of your heart, but that doesn't make them correct. Good luck.

I agree with this.

[Zephii]

I don't see an engagement ring as being any guarantee someone won't leave you.

I moved across the world without a ring and that's A-ok with me.

Same here. I personally wouldn't want to be engaged to someone who I hadn't lived with or at least lived near. Because I wouldn't be engaged if I wasn't ready to be married, and I wouldn't be ready to be married in that situation

[lucybelle]

Engagement is not necessary.

[Schlafmütze]

I don't see an engagement ring as being any guarantee someone won't leave you.

Ditto!!!

So yeah, I also don't think an engagement is necessary.

[sarahjane1992]

I don't think an engagement is necessarily required but I can see why your parents would want that. Parents are always going to be overprotective. That's not a bad thing. Just means they love you I deal with the same thing, trust me!

My SO and I have another 9-12 months of being LD before we can be together for good. Since my SO is younger than me, I'm sure we won't be engaged by next December or so. I could be wrong. We have lots to accomplish before that happens. We have discussed marriage and the future several times. I'm super excited for the day I call him my husband! <3 But I'm moving with or without a ring. The commitment is there and it will happen when it happens. That's my take. As long as the commitment is there, go for it!
Good luck!

[MZVIRGO82]

I don't think an engagement is necessary either. What I do think IS necessary is to have some sort of job as well as savings (if possible) in the event things don't work out as planned. I personally wouldn't be too dependent on my s/o for everything.

People tend to think that just because one is engaged/married ect that that makes everything okay, when in reality engagements and marriages end all the time. Not to sound like a Debbie Downer, but make sure all of your bases are covered and you can take care of yourself I necessary. Otherwise, go for it! I am currently in the process of relocating to not only be closer to my s/o but because of a new job which so happens to be in the same city my s/o will be in ;-). Although I love him, I have to be able to stand on my own and wouldn't of made the decision to relocated if I couldn't take care of myself. As much as I think we will be together forever-you just never know what's going to happen.

[alittlemind]

As others have said, I don't think engagement is necessary. What I do think is necessary, however, is that there is a strong commitment, and that one day there will be engagement/marriage/etc. Also, I think it's important to have a back-up plan. Having a job, having your own savings, would be a good idea.

(Sorry if this post is a little vague and all over the place. I have to rush before work.)

Good luck to you!

[Tooki]

You don't need an engagement or a ring on your finger, you need a plan!

[Black_Halloween]

My SO moved in with me after only meeting once