What Do I Do?

[Bex2804]

Hey all,

Things have been a bit rough with my boyfriend and myself for a little while now but things have hit rock bottom. Yesterday it was our 15 month anniversary and instead of video chatting me (we haven't had a proper long conversation in ages and the only conversations we have had have been just voice calls) he decided to watch tv with his mum all evening. It seriously upset me, who would actually do that? He said his mum would get upset if he didn't watch tv with her but he told her today what happened and she told him that he should have been paying attention to me. Because of that and a few other things I honestly don't trust him not to upset or hurt me anymore. Another thing is the fact that I haven't seen him since July and we talked about him coming here at the end of October back in summer but that fell through, and now I'm waiting to find out whether his parents will let us see each other over Christmas and new years (the plan was for me to go there for a few days and then us both fly back to my home for new years as last year I spent new years in spain and would like to be at home this year). It took him forever to actually ask his parents and now they wont give him a answer and I'm sure when they do it will be a no and even if they do, I've been looking at tickets for a few weeks now and just in that short period of time they have gone up in price and soon my parents wont be able to afford it. It's so unfair, because it would be my christmas/ good exam results present if I got to go and will probably end up not going because of his parents taking so long to make up their minds... To add more to the confusion, my parents are now doubting letting me go at all because of how our relationship has been over the last month, they are worried he will upset/hurt me again and then we will spilt up and they would have spent all that money on tickets for nothing.

So what do I do about it all? I'm really at a loss.... :'( Thanks

[maja]

mhm well, about the anniversary thing - it sucks yes, if it is a big deal to you guys. Me and my SO don't make a big deal about month-versaries, and maybe it doesn't seem that huge to him than it does to you, so maybe he didn't realise?
Him telling his mum about it does seem like he was concerned after and perhaps a bit sad as well....
About your lack of communication: have you adressed it with him? Is there anything going on in his life at the moment, that stresses him a lot or that he felt he couldn't talk to you about?
I think you should outright confront him about it rather than waiting on him to make a move, in regards to the next visit as well.
However, I don't think spending money on tickets is never in vain, even if it doesn't go well, you got to figure things out in person and break up in person, thus you won't be left wondering if it was just because you didn't see each other and end up hung up on him.
I do understand your parents doubts from the mere financial aspect and you should be glad they pay for your trips at all, but imho that does not give the right to get involved in your relationship like that.

[Tooki]

A 15 month anniversary sounds like little to make a fuss over, in my opinion at least. If it was a 12 month anniversary, I could understand completely. Perhaps it's not as important to your SO as it is to yourself.

Sadly, if you need to rely on your parents for the money for a plane ticket, they are free to do as they wish. It is their money, not yours, and they're not obligated to buy them for you. It would be a different story if it was your money.

What can you do? Insist that they make a decision ASAP. Show them that your relationship will improve.

[Bex2804]

Because we have only physically been together for one of our proper anniversaries so we like to do something a little special for the little ones, I wasn't expecting anything ott, just to be able to talk! We have now spoken about it all tonight and have decided to move on and learn from this experience, and he is going to ask his parents again tonight. I can and will pay for a ticket if I have to, it was just supposed to be a present for my good exam results over summer and also for christmas... hopefully this will get sorted soon..

[Anonymous2]

What about the idea of you guys (or your families) splitting the cost of a ticket? That way you're both involved in the decision making and neither family feels completely responsible...

Sometimes the trade off approach doesn't work because tickets are more/less expensive depending on the time of year.

[Zapookie]

Maybe rather than assuming he will video chat with you, you could plan it ahead of time and make it a date type thing? Communicating your needs to your partner is extremely important. How is he going to know you wanted to chat? He can't read your mind. I also think splitting the cost of a ticket would be a nice thing to do. My SO and I have done that before and we will be doing it for our next visit.

[Zephii]

I didn't read the comments so if I missed something I'm sorry, but the gist of what you do is: calm down.

You know who monthaversaries, or "month anniversaries" are for? People who don't think they are going to make it to any real anniversaries. (Just my opinion, of course) The "anni" in anniversary is derived from the word annual meaning "yearly". So the whole concept is bogus to begin with. You can't just chose a day each month and assume that your partner is always going to be there for you on that day, just because, and doesn't that cheapen the experience when you have actual things to celebrate? Ok ok, so my grumpy bias aside...

People remember bad things. For some reason, they hang on to that more than good things. So if your parents repeatedly see that you're upset due to small things in your relationship that don't actually matter of course they are going to form bad options against it. The best way to avoid that is to keep your private life private unless you honest to god need help. If you want to vent but it's not an unsolvable problem, turn to a mate who knows you're just letting off steam, or a blog, or here. It will save you in the long run from people thinking you have lots of problems when you don't.

And finally, the best relationship advice I have for anyone - Pick your battles. If it's not really that important, don't get worked up over it and don't turn it into an issue. Stop and ask yourself "Why am I upset? Am I being reasonable?" And if something is going to be important to you, warn your SO beforehand. For example, I celebrate a lot of holidays that my SO doesn't. Instead of being upset that he didn't remember, a week for so before I'll be like "<This holiday> is coming up, I would appreciate a small gift and a date" Or "<different holiday> coming up, it would mean a lot to me if we could pick flowers and bake bread together, make time for me please".

You've stated that you don't trust him not to upset or hurt you, but I think honestly you might just need thicker skin. If you're easily hurt or offended and not able to brush those feelings off, of course he is going to repeatedly make mistakes. But sometimes we get upset over things that aren't worth the energy, and it's key to be able to talk ourselves down from those moments.

Good luck

[Hollandia]

LDR's are hard. They play tricks on our minds sometimes. What might be an inch feels like a mile when LD from the one you love. In order to work through problems I would always prefer to do it in person. You want to be able to be real person and not that far away loved one.

On another note, some guys don't like to feel pressured or smothered. A 15 month anniversary sounds like an excuse to celebrate and a bit of a rationalization that will do exactly this. Are you going to want to do this every 3 months? That would get old fast for me. If he wants to watch TV with his mom, look on the bright side. This means he loves her and believes in treating women well. He is not out partying with his buddies, he is sitting home with his mom. As long as he does not put her first all the time, mamma's boys are not always a bad thing.

[LadyDaemon]

I agree with Zephii and Hollandia on this and I think they both gave you some solid advice. Try not to get so worked up over it. Just sit down with your SO and talk to him about it and let him know that you want all of these things from him. Maybe next time he'll remember. He doesn't know if you don't say anything.

[mellif]

Month anniversaries actually mean a lot to me and my SO-- we haven't had very good experiences with dating, and value each other a lot. Every day together counts and holds meaning. Maybe we are a little afraid of losing each other, but does that make anyone lesser of a couple if it's mutual? Given, we're only 2 months hehe, we're little honeymoon ldr noobs-- and with benefit of the doubt, maybe after the 5th-6th month, monthversaries would get old. But I wouldn't say monthversaries have a complete loss of meaning like some suggest.

I can see that maybe you're taking monthversaries too seriously though-- if you're going to celebrate anything once a month, theres a chance that other interests will take over the event eventually, like family. Which is ok. My SO and I often sacrafice time we'd usually spend with each other to enrich(for the lack of a better word) ourselves outside our relationship. Sometimes it makes him sad, sometimes it makes me sad. It's a give and take. Sure, message him "happy 15th month babe" and talk about memories and enjoy the day for what it is, but if you're going to be together for a long time and many more months (which is the goal right) then yes, some monthversaries are going to be spent apart.

For the ticket, I hope it's sorted soon! D: I know the sick feeling you get from missing an opportunity to be with your SO, but don't be too hard on yourself if it doesn't work out. Sometimes things just happen. Lots of sad things can happen in good relationships-- just work through it together as a team, and everything will be alright.

[Bex2804]

Thanks to all that replied, we don't usually bother with monthversaries, but as I said before, we haven't had a chance to talk properly in ages (because of doing other things and school) and we did talk about talking the night before. I was just a bit peed off that he didn't talk to me, after I clearly expressed how upset I was. We have spoken about it now and did end up having our conversation - as for tickets, the plan was for me to go there for a few days and then for us both to come back to my country for a few days so we would both be buying tickets.