My old friend, fear of commitment showed up again.

[Mellow]

Hey everyone (=


After meeting my SO for the first time, finally being with him, it's not like I figured it would be. I'm not as happy as I thought I'd be. Happy he was here, but it somehow scared me as well. And this feeling is quite a familiar feeling for me. It happened before, with say every love interest of the past. It made me run away from all those past relationships. If they ever got that far. I usually didn't even let them come that close. Fear of commitment. I have that with friends as well... in a certain way. It had always scared me when people tried to get close. My childhood was rather troublesome and that's what made me who I am in the end. One of those traits is rather distant towards other people. Another thing that gets in my way. (Must say it was worse a few years ago)

When I met my SO, it was different. I didn't feel the fear as strong as I felt that with other guys. Maybe it was cause he was on the other side of the world. Maybe it's because I really trust my boyfriend (Though I don't tell him all my worries, not at all. Hard for me to tell it and don't want to worry him even more.) and he's not just my lover, he is also a good friend. Really someone that balances.
He visited me last month for the first time.
It was a lot of fun, but it depressed me a little as well. It scared me. He was so close. Not only emotional, but physical as well. After a few weeks (yes, it actually took awhile before I'm over that. No one to talk to. Or rather, no one I wanted to bother with it) I got over it, kinda. Not thinking about it anymore, not feeling the fear anymore.

He'll be visiting me again tomorrow, this time for a longer time (a week instead of a weekend). I was kind of excited. A little nervous for introducing him to my roommates, but I figured that'd be alright.
Today he told me he told his mother about our relationship. No problem, only natural to tell her. He also told me he wanted me to meet her. And that is what makes me back off a little again. It's like it flipped my heart over and putting them in a uncomfortable place.
I can't concentrate on anything (even though I have exams coming up and should study).
Just keep wondering why it is so scary...
I just don't know how to cope with it. How to solve this commitment problem. I really do love him, but I cannot hold on if I keep feeling like this all the time ._ . when he's actually here and such. Just want to fix it it somehow... I mean, after over a year, shouldn't those irrational fears disappear?

Thanks for hearing me out. : <

Love,

Mellow~

[Fudgee]

You have to ask yourself "Do I really love him? Is he the one? The one I can spend my lifetime with? "
If yes then don't fear of being committed. If pain or hurt is what you fear then that is not love.
I've been through 2 failed relationships already until I've met my SO and even though we have never met ever in person I know that he is the one.
You just need to feel that mutual connection between you two and it's a matter of give and take. It shows that he is serious about you when he told his Mother about you. If you are still holding back, then maybe you're not ready to be in relationship yet.
Being in a LDR is hard you both need trust, communication and commitment. If you trust him with your heart then let it be. If you communicate well with each other and honest with each other then that is perfect! And last commitment you both must know and understand your responsibilities as a gf/bf or other half.
Don't over think of it and just enjoy the moments you're with him coz it won't forever last until he leaves again.
Good Luck to the both of you!

[OperaDiva]

It sounds to me like you know the source of your fears - your childhood. Have you been to therapy to resolve those issues?
In my opinion fears and anxiety are not something that you can just "fix" or "erase" in the current situation, they are a piece of a larger problem that has to be addressed.

[Kristin91]

I know exactly what you're talking about! I have a huge fear of commitment... There have been times where I want to run, and I can always tell when they arise because I start picking fights with my SO about stupid little things, and I can feel myself trying to distance myself. But I've worked hard in the last 3 years to stand up to myself and fight back against these feelings. Slowly and gradually they have started to go away, but once in a while (like when we're having really serious "in the future" talks) it comes back and I have to fight just as hard to prevent myself from pushing him away.

I disagree with Fudgee. You don't have to know if he is THE ONE or if you want to spend the rest of your life with him... Take it one day at a time, or a week at a time... whatever works for you. For me, my fear of commitment stems from not knowing what the future will hold. All you have to know is in this moment, or this day, or this week, or whenever, is "Do I love him?" If the answer is yes then try as hard as you can to push those scary feelings away. And I know how hard it is, I really do, but I promise it gets easier and it's not so scary. In fact, I can actually think about possibly marrying my SO one day, when those thoughts scared the crap out of me 6 months ago.

Oh, and to answer your question, just because you've been dating for over a year doesn't mean you can't still feel insecure. My SO and I have been together for over 3 years and as I said, I'm still experiencing this sometimes.

Take it a day at a time, and if you ever need some extra support or advice PM me

[Ahava]

I've had a similar issue with guys in the past. When they started getting close and I knew they were interested in me, my feelings started changing. Even as far as feeling "eeewww"/disgusted and not liking them touching me (not talking just about sex). Or it could also be like that after I had slept with the guy for the first time (even though we took it slow and waited til I was ready) Afterwards or the morning after I felt really bad about it and regretful. It may be because of childhood issues/issues of trust. I don't know.

With my SO it is luckily different. He's the first one I have felt good about in bed and really wanted sex with. Also I think that the fact we are LD helps. I have had my space to heel and to adjust.
The relationship has evolved slowly (I have felt pressured by most other guys) getting to know each other etc.

Either it is that I am healing from what ever my "problem" was or the others have all been wrong for me and I haven't felt good with them/good about myself. Because for instance they started to irritate and bug me early in the relationship.

I am at the moment actually happy that we aren't closing the distance anytime soon, as the thought would probably freak me out.

I think it also could be a fear of falling in love deep and then fearing losing the other person.
If you don't let them too close, you can't get hurt.

[Mellow]

Thank you guys for your replies. I really appreciate that! Just reading your opinions gives me the feeling I'm not alone in this, and that it is not weird or anything to feel like this. Thanks

I know why I have that fear.... and to a certain point, my SO does know about what happened in the past as well. Therapy might be a good idea. For now, I'm going to tell my SO exactly what is going on in my mind. Or at least attempt to, without leaving details that might be important out.

[Deleted]

Hi Mellow~

I'm so sorry that you're feeling this way! Love and commitment can be scary things...

I have to second everyone here, and add: be open with your SO about what you're feeling. Communication is key in any relationship.

You're right in thinking about talking to somebody. If you think it's something you want to seek professional help for, go right ahead. Those people are there to help you. ^_^

Above all, treasure the time you have together, and have fun!

Lori <3

[differentcountries]

Sounds that you are experiencing commitment phobia. Have you read the book "Men who can't love?" It explains very well how commitment can trigger phobic reactions, almost like emotional clastrophobia, and what can be done. I had one ex acting really strange (distancing soon after marriyng me) and another ex being very back and forth/emotional roller coster type. I used to be very upset about that, now I realize people who do this have real emotional issues that they don't know how to deal with. Therapy maybe a thing to consider, anywow I belive in working with oneself. If you know you have a problem, you are one step closer to solving it. Perhaps you should take closer look at why closeness frighten you; is it because you experienced that those close to you were in a position to hurt you?

Of course everyone thinks it is a bit scary to meet their SO's mother - potensial mother-in-law and a potent symbol of what the future might hold. Hell, even those of us who ENJOY planning the future with our SO's think their mothers are scary.... There are lots of expectations connected. There will be other meetings, and how will they go? and so on and so on.

Remember that your SO cannot MAKE you do anything. It is you who decide if there should be a meeting, and when, where and how. Perhaps it is easier to just meet her for a coffee somewhere instead of meeting at her house. Perhaps you should put of the decition for some time. There are lots of options.

Also, it seems that no-one has mentioned that you actually have a lot of emotional work to do with your FRIENDS as well. That may serve you in the long run as you will be able to shoulder some of the relationshop anxiety with your friends. And how about you telling your SO about your problems with trusting your friends? You seem like a person with a lot of secrets, even if those secrets are pretty banal, like trust issues that everybody has to one degree or another.

Wishing you the best of luck