Girlfriend spends less time with me

[DistanceLovess]

Hey
I have been together with my gf for 1 year now in a LDR.
We always had a great time, even though in the last time we had some small arguments.
The point is, that we always used to talk the whole weekend 24/7 as far as it was possible. We had this "system" the whole year and both were happy with it and we had lots of great moments together. But now she is telling me, that it's too much for her and she just wants to talk with me from now on , like max 4 or 5 hours on saturday and sunday..In the week 1 hour.
To be honest I was kinda shocked and for me it's not enough. Do you think it's enough time? I think it's not really. Because I enjoy this time with her very much and also this "long" weekends give me strength to continue with the relationship. I understand of course, that she also needs to spend time with othet people, but for that there is also the week. To be honest I feel kinda neglected.
Do you have any idea, how I should react?

Thanks.

[mllebamako]

For me, that would be too much talking time. When we were long distance, we talked about 30 minutes per day. Very rarely was it longer than that. And we preferred it like that. I wanted to have my own life and get out and do things or else I would just feel mopey and constantly thinking about how much I missed him. For me, I found that keeping myself busy and not obsessively talking to my SO was the biggest help in dealing with the struggles of an LDR.

If you really feel like you need more than 4-5 hours, talk to her and try to work out a compromise. But personally, I feel like 4-5 hours is already pretty over the top.

[USofSam]

How do you communicate?

Me and my SO use what's app so we text each other all day long or at least while we're both awake. But not constantly of course, sometimes we talk for 30min then we don't text at all for a few hours until one of us goes "whatcha doing? <3" and we tell each other when we're busy and won't reply and for how long and stuff like that, it's been working really well for us. As for Skype, we don't use it that much, maybe once a week for an hour, sometimes we telephone to say good night (via Tango) and that way we never feel neglected but we also don't feel forced to talk to each other and we can do other things (:

[RachelAnne]

I don't think you should be freaking out about her asking for less time to talk--maybe she just needs the space and feels like 4-5 hours is too much. Which is totally fine, she probably just wants more time to herself to go out and do things for her. Talk with her and see if ya'll can come up with a system that works for both of you, but you have to be understanding if she says she just wants more time to herself Good luck!

[mellif]

I think the amount of communication that is necessary varies couple to couple, there isn't really a set number that's good or bad. If the time isn't enough for you, definitely discuss it. You're a team that are supposed to work together to make the other person happy, and sacrafices are sometimes necessary on both sides. Also, have you asked her why she wants this sceduale change exactly? Is it because she wants more freedom to do things in her own time or because of a problem between you two? Just some things to think about. Good luck!!

[roosie]

We used to talk for hours as well at the beginning in our relationship, but later on we mostly talked for an hour a day and these days we Skype a few times a week and use whatsapp a lot during the day. I was a little upset about the change at first, because I really enjoyed spending so much time with him but at that point in our relationship there was just not so much to talk about anymore, which wasn't necessarily a bad thing, it just happened naturally. Doing other things also improved our time together as we had more to discuss. I wouldn't panic, there is probably nothing to worry about if she feels content in your relationship and wants some more time for herself. If it's really bothering you, of course it would be good to talk about it to make sure you both know where you are in your relationship at the moment - maybe you can come to an agreement that makes you both feel secured and loved.

[LadyDaemon]

I agree with the others. I don't think that this is something you should be stressing over. It's very possible that she just wants more time for her. I mean,honestly if you talk like that EVERYDAY then I'm surprised you two still have stuff to talk about (and I don't mean that in a mean way). Sometimes talking like that all of the time can get boring,repetitive,and doesn't really give either of you the chance to miss each other which is healthy. I will say what myself and many others have told many others in similar situations like yours. It's quality,not quantity.

[loveknowsnodistance27]

I'd love to talk to my SO half as much as you get to talk to your girlfriend. Honestly, I don't think you need to worry. It really is A LOT to spend the whole weekend solely talking to each other. Plus, you end up missing out on life around you. I know how hard it is, believe me, I've been there. Over time, you get more comfortable with each other and don't have to talk every waking moment. My SO and I have very opposite, busy schedules and we talk like once a week. I would give the world to talk more, but our schedules simply don't allow for a lot of extra time. I just focus on the times we do get to talk and the fun times we've had together. I re-read old letters from him and it makes me smile. Also, if you talk a little less, you won't run out of things to talk about. ^-^ LDR's are not easy by any means, but it's about finding a balance that works for the both of you.

[kayla_622]

I think talking that often would end up making things boring. And then you eventually get so used to spending so much time on the internet talking to this one other person that you lose touch with the outside world and the other people in your life. You both need your own time. Get out do something, let her go out, give her the space she needs and things will be fine. Since you are so used to this though it will be hard to adjust at first but, just give it some time.

[rubydissolution]

Honestly I think you are being selfish here. During the week she has to go to school or work and any other responsibilities she has to do. The weekend is supposed to be for fun. So, she not only should spend time with you, but the other people in her life. Friends, family etc. She shouldn't have to devote her entire weekend to you. You should take advantage of this and go out and do stuff on the weekend and stop being so dependent on her. Go have your own separate lives sometimes!! Its healthy!! Read a book, go out with friends, go to a movie, play a video game....distractions distractions distractions! But fun ones! =P

You should feel fortunate to get as much time as you do with her, because as others have mentioned they do not get anywhere close to that amount of time.

[Fretboard_Magic]

I agree with Mellif and Ruby especially on this.

Now, after 6 months into our relationship, my girlfriend and I probably talk A LOT, aided also by the fact that we each have an iPhone with Skype installed. I know we talk way more than some(most?) couples in LDR's do just because we can, but that doesn't mean we get in each other's way of living our own lives either. We have this saying(actually, she said it first) between us, "you go do your thing, and I'll do my thing" when one of us needs to leave the other for a while to deal with whatever task that needs to be dealt with at the time. For us couples who generally talk super often but also have other things to do in life, I think this is a great approach to take.

As Mellif said, how often a couple should talk depends on each couple. You and your girlfriend need to really discuss this, and come up with some sort of plan that would work for both of you. As for the weekdays vs. weekends thing, Ruby's totally right. Do not keep your girl from spending time with her friends, or do her own things, on weekends just because you want to spend as much time with her. You should encourage her to live her life while being in a long distance relationship with you.

Also, be flexible! I think that, in any relationship, sometimes "systems" like that should be flexible. In other words, don't get too caught up in the fact that you two have to talk only up to an hour on, say, a particular Wednesday even though you both have like 3 hours of free time to talk to each other. On that particular Wednesday, I think you two should just go right ahead and talk for 3 hours in that scenario for instance. Or, if she has a plan on a particular Saturday and can't talk at all that entire day and night, then allow her that time away from you. "You do your own thing while she's off doing her thing". But don't make your "system" so solid and unbreakable. If you do that, it'll turn into pressure on her part and that wouldn't be good. At all.

In any case, communicate with your girl and really discuss this matter with her. Good luck.

[differentcountries]

Talk through the whole weekend? Are you crazy? How is that even physically possible? How much of her life did she put aside that is now waiting to be picked up, after a year? And what about your own life? There are so many things you can not do if somebody else is there all the time. The week is often spent just working/studying, going to the gym, grocery shopping and doing the laundry, weekends are when many people are with friends because their friends are also doing all those things during the week.

Even talking for 5 hours every weekend day is A LOT! I usually talk with my SO on Skype 2 hours every day. It takes a whole lot to even press that into my daily schedule, and some hectic days it is not possible to talk that much. Sometimes I am away on the weekende to do a course or away to pay someone a visit, like friends or familiy. I do not lead an especially hectic life. You have been living in a dream buble where it is possible for the two of you to "live together" every weekend. But even people who live together does not usually spend that ammound of time being together, always, all the time. They have other people and hobbies and other things that matter. I see that the physical distance would compensate for at lot of that sharing your girlfriend. But it is really not possible to ask of her to continue to give what was nearly impossible to begin with. Proably she has do do this change to even still HAVE any friends left. Think about it. You are far away, and she is trying to get comfort from those near her - and still make time to be in your presence 1/3 of her wake hours. She is making you a priority.

Probably you have been getting something out of your long hours together that you fear that you will miss if you spend less time with her. But if you think about it, giving her space to pursue other things might actually benifit your relationshop. she will have other people and other interests to keep her life interesting. She will have time and space to miss you. You will have time to lead an interesting life of your own, that you can talk about with her, and hence make your talks also more interesting. You have had great moments together, you can still have that and also she can have great moments as an individual - and you too. Moments that the two of you can share, to create new great moments between you.

[princessmaria]

Wow, that's a lot of talking time. On average, my SO and I talk 20mins-1hr per day, and sometimes we only have time enough to say goodnight to each other at the end of each day. We talk even less on weekends, honestly. It's really important to have a life outside of your SO. I doubt she loves you any less because she wants to talk less, it's just a matter of quality over quantity like some others have said in this thread. What do you really have to talk about for that long? More importantly, if you two are serious you have so much more time to talk to each other. It's not pertinent that you cram it all into 2 days

[Hollandia]

My SO works and goes to school and I have my business to run. I have somewhat flexible hours but he does not. We speak about an average of 2-3 hours a day during the week and 6-8 on the weekends. We don't feel a need to speak the whole time while online together but we do watch something together almost everyday. He hates smartphones and does not want to spend the money on international texting on his end and so we rarely speak when he is not home. He works the normal 8 hours days on Mon-Wed and Friday. He has school most of the day on Thursdays until about 10pm my time. He works every few Saturdays too.I am owner but it is medical company and so whenever I am needed I need to jump off from him and deal with work. We both find a way to make each other a major part of our lives no matter where our physical bodies happen to be.

There are times after a few weeks apart it feels like too much and so we will cut back for a day but funny thing is, we cannot seem to be without each other for more than that and then it just hurts too bad and we have to find a way to talk again. This is just what works for us. We are used to being together because we live together for half the time, the other half we spend 3800 miles apart and going out of our way to be in touch as much as possible. I don't think I could deal without much less, but that is just my situation. Everyone is different.

[Dezface]

It'll be an adjustment since it's less than you're used to. Even though it seems like a lot to most other people, every couple is different. And I'm sure hearing that she wants to talk to you less hurts a bit. But just look at it the way other people have suggested-quality over quantity. You're still getting to speak to her, and it's not a minimal amount either