Obsession with a Celebrity

[LadyDaemon]

I honestly feel like it is childish of his GF to be so obsessed. Especially to the extent of what he describes. That isn't healthy, and I could see it being hurtful to him.

It's childish to you,but it's not to her. I can understand becoming attached to a person in a band or a band in general,especially when something in their music really resonates with you. I had a phase for a long time where I was kinda obsessed with everything Evanescence. Not romantically and I didn't write poems or anything (I'm a terrible poet anyway haha),but Amy lee and her music really spoke to how I felt on many occasions. It's also not unhealthy,as long as she's not stalking the guy,showing up on his door step or trying to find every way imaginable to see or have contact with the guy then it's just a fantasy and most likely it will pass at some point. I've seen people who like bands enough to get them or their emblems tattooed on their bodies. Besides,getting all upset about something or in this case someone so out of reach is a waste of energy and time in my opinion. If she really thought all those things about him I highly doubt she'd be with him. It's merely fantasy. Most of us have one at some point or another. Besides,the OP even just admitted himself that he has a degree of insecurity which can be an ugly thing in even the smallest of matters if not dealt with.

[differentcountries]

I agree that she probably does not imagine herself to have a real-life relationship with her celebrety crush. And of course, if she were to; you'd be talking polyamory because she would still keep you, right? And would have to make two men happy, and now one is a fantasy and the other one does not feel loved, so clearly she is not doing a good job so far.

My advice is to stop trying to be so nice. She can not crave your attention if you are always there to cater to her needs. If you don't want to be seen as a too nice man, don't act like a too nice man. Strongly ask for something from her. What would you actually have her do (emotionally, in the bed, whatever)? Doe not be/act beige. It is easy to get lost in a fanasy when the person close to you is acting beige. Long distance is a trigger for making everything look beige (though is can intensify feelings as well). On the other hand; going all jealous and agressive is not doing you any favours, because unless you make agression "work" for you it just seems silly, like a raging child and not to be respected.

Ask her why she fell for you. Ask her how she misses you. Your personality, your looks, your actions, how you once amazed her and still do. All in details. Make it like a game. If you have already given her feedback for a lifetime, don't add more. Just say baby I need to know what it is that you see in me, I need your mirror to see myself properly. Clearly you don't think she loves you enough, or shows that she does in a way that makes you feel appreciated, which often accounts to the same thing. Make her work for deserving to marry you (without being cruel, just give it a slight change of focus). Forget about the band; this is about her not giving you the feedback that you crave.

[miss_jaclynrae]

If you read his first post, she is so far obsessed that she has told him she would cheat on him with someone famous.
Sure, it won't ever happen, but I think that is still mean and hurtful. If the tables were turned and my man was obsessed with a celebrity to the point of looking up everything about her, 1000% I would be concerned.

It is hurtful, I get being in love with a celebrity, but I also understand being thoughtful of ones partner. There is a healthy balance and she is tipping the scales.

To her it may not be childish, but to him it is hurtful and rightfully so... so why should he just sit back and "let it run its course." If the tables were turned and this was a man who was obsessed to the same exact point, I would never tell the woman that she is being insecure and that it isn't real so it doesn't matter.

It does matter, and he should sit down and talk to her about how it makes him feel, and she should tone it down if she REALLY cares about him.

[Tooki]

If you're uncomfortable with what your SO is saying to you about the celebrity, you need to talk to her about it and say how it makes you feel.

[Riyuki]

Well we've talked so many times about it. I've told her how it makes me feel but as of right now, I don't think she wants to let it go. One is probably, in part, my fault (though I don't' feel it to be such) One of the things she has "woman tested" me with was "If a witched turned me into a man with all the parts, would you still love me?" and I told her, "No".

So somehow her love for me has dropped because I said no to that. I don't feel I should lie to her but she told me that I wasn't romantic because I said no. I feel like if she were to become a guy through that impossible scenario, everything about "Her" would then change into something else. She doesn't see that or maybe I just believe that she would definitely change.

Any other situation like losing a leg, having feminine parts of her suddenly disappearing, etc...Unconditional love but because of that ONE question, it's conditional.

I asked her if she believed Hansi would and she said, "Yes, because his personality says that he would." *shrug* I'm at a total loss. Do I need to "lie" in order to be romantic?? I haven't lied before and I don't want to start lying now.

[mellif]

Well we've talked so many times about it. I've told her how it makes me feel but as of right now, I don't think she wants to let it go. One is probably, in part, my fault (though I don't' feel it to be such) One of the things she has "woman tested" me with was "If a witched turned me into a man with all the parts, would you still love me?" and I told her, "No".

So somehow her love for me has dropped because I said no to that. I don't feel I should lie to her but she told me that I wasn't romantic because I said no. I feel like if she were to become a guy through that impossible scenario, everything about "Her" would then change into something else. She doesn't see that or maybe I just believe that she would definitely change.

Any other situation like losing a leg, having feminine parts of her suddenly disappearing, etc...Unconditional love but because of that ONE question, it's conditional.

I asked her if she believed Hansi would and she said, "Yes, because his personality says that he would." *shrug* I'm at a total loss. Do I need to "lie" in order to be romantic?? I haven't lied before and I don't want to start lying now.

wtf lol @ her question
She seems to be acting kind of childish about all of this now. I always thought "women tests" and games like that were a bit silly. No, you shouldn't lie. Personally I've never been an advocate for white lies, especially for relationships. However, some people actually prefer that people tell them white lies rather than their actual opinion. Maybe talk to her about white lies and how she feels about them being used in your relationship.

[Dezface]

She sounds incredibly immature. She's caught up in some fairy tale of what love is and she's decided this Hansi guy is the ideal. I'm not sure you can keep up with that, honestly.

[differentcountries]

Well we've talked so many times about it. I've told her how it makes me feel but as of right now, I don't think she wants to let it go. One is probably, in part, my fault (though I don't' feel it to be such) One of the things she has "woman tested" me with was "If a witched turned me into a man with all the parts, would you still love me?" and I told her, "No".

So somehow her love for me has dropped because I said no to that. I don't feel I should lie to her but she told me that I wasn't romantic because I said no. I feel like if she were to become a guy through that impossible scenario, everything about "Her" would then change into something else. She doesn't see that or maybe I just believe that she would definitely change.

Any other situation like losing a leg, having feminine parts of her suddenly disappearing, etc...Unconditional love but because of that ONE question, it's conditional.

I asked her if she believed Hansi would and she said, "Yes, because his personality says that he would." *shrug* I'm at a total loss. Do I need to "lie" in order to be romantic?? I haven't lied before and I don't want to start lying now.

Well, I don't appreciate women tests; I think they are both stupid, cruel and misinformed.

For most people, it is a very challenging situation if their beloved were to change sex. I have been in this situation. It works better is you are bisexual to begin with. Many relationships go soth in this kind of situation, because at the end of the day what people have between their legs will matter to most. It did not to me. But then again I am not most people. also such relationships are challenging because of mood swings due to hormones etc. It totally respect those who can not handle the situation. It think it is very disrespectful of her to hypothetically drag you into this cenario. Especially when SHE is so very specific about what she wants, aka this other guy.

Let me give you an example. I had someone dear who once asked me this "would you love me if I lost my legs and got in a wheelchair" type of questions. All I could do what to honestly say; I sure hope I would take good care of you. And that we would take good care of each other in that kind of situation (where many people split. and handicapped people who recently lost abilities are not always nice people to be around). That was not what she wanted to hear. Later she left me. I did not have any disabilities, she just fell out of love. It is as easy as that. Do not test love, it is stupid. Love will alway test itself in real life. It does not really matter what Hansi would say, or what you would say, because those challenges are about action and we do not know ourselves totally before we are there.

I react very much to the situation where you have to prove your love. Maybe that is her thing, but it is not working for you, and it is not bringing you closer as a couple. She should focus on YOUR personality. Perhaps she thinks you could suger-coat things more, but surely there must be things about you that she likes and could get detailed about.

[jbble]

Well we've talked so many times about it. I've told her how it makes me feel but as of right now, I don't think she wants to let it go. One is probably, in part, my fault (though I don't' feel it to be such) One of the things she has "woman tested" me with was "If a witched turned me into a man with all the parts, would you still love me?" and I told her, "No".

I asked her if she believed Hansi would and she said, "Yes, because his personality says that he would."

She sounds very immature. That woman testing bit is complete nonsense, and even more so because her response was that Hansi would still love her if she was a man. Hey, guess what, Hansi doesn't love her now!

Celebrity crushes affect everyone differently in relationships... some people are fine with them. I personally am not, and my boyfriend knows this and two little talks at the beginning of our relationship were enough to clear the issue up for good. Other people are fine with "hypothetical" celebrity relationships, but it seems like your girlfriend has taken things to a whole new level... she is acting like she believes her "relationship" with Hansi is real, rather than hypothetical.

Even setting all that aside, if she is making you, a guy she claims to love and care about, feel like a second-rate backup plan, this is something you need to seriously talk to her about and that she needs to work hard to understand and fix. That's not a nice thing to do in a relationship for any reason, celebrity crush or not.

In a nutshell she sounds incredibly immature, and I hope you are able to work it out or else realize that you deserve better in a relationship.

[Riyuki]

Thanks for all the opinions. We worked it out and wanted to focus on bettering ourselves for each other. In her defense, immaturity is relative. She has days when she is childish, days when she is mature, days when she feels old, days when she is bursting with energy, etc etc. Everyone has their days of randomness, including myself. In hindsight, we both learned something about ourselves and perhaps a new level of appreciation for one another from our conversations. Everyone is not perfect and we certainly are far from it. However, the ride to our own "perfection" is certainly an enjoyable one.

Again thanks for all the comments and suggestions. I showed her the whole post as well so that she knows I am not trying to hide anything from her. We really do appreicate it!

[loveknowsnodistance27]

Well I know I'm a little late to the party, but I want to throw my 2 cents in too. I adore Bruce Springsteen. I think his music is fantastic and I think he is so beautiful. My SO puts up with my drooling over him if I see something Springsteen related. It's just an innocent idolization, but I do understand when it can be too much. It sounds like she isn't trying to hurt you, but she just has her celebrity crush. We all have them. Hers may just be a little stronger. Usually the obsession dies down over time. As for the woman test, as a woman, I've used them a few times, but personally I am not a fan of them. They're like traps and it's just cruel. I really think you'll be fine! Nobody is perfect, but obviously she sees something special in you if she is with you, so that's something huge! She will most likely never meet this celebrity, and if she does, they are usually nice to the fans, but it won't go past a picture, autograph and hug. Hang in there! =]

[Riyuki]

LOL I can see her now getting a hug and then literally melting on the spot lol. But thanks for the response still!

[MadMolly]

I am not offering advice but I would just like to say, I have met Hansi and he is so lovely. That is all.

[Riyuki]

My girlfriend would love to hear that to be honest! You should share your story of meeting him one day with me so I can share it with her! lol